Wife has suspicions I am gay... Standard for a crossdresser I guess?

[CharlotteCD]

She asked me last night if I was gay or bisexual. I used to question if I was bisexual, but I am happy in the knowledge that I am straight and I am not interested in a relationship or sex with a man.

I have spent 9 years trying to get her into bed with me, but because I enjoy certain things we can't discuss, there is an assumption that said bedroom activity + crossdressing = I must be gay or bi and questioning myself.

We've exchanged a few messages and I asked if that was a genuine concern for her, and I had the following response:


no, a suspicion. I want you to be you, so if that were to turn out you are gay or bisexual I'd accept that and deal with it the best way I can.



I have reassured her that I am not gay or bisexual, and I don't have any physical or emotional attachment to men.

It's so frustrating that crossdressing is still so intertwined with the idea that it means you are gay.

Has anybody else faced this repeated questioning that you're gay, almost as if they think that you're lying, but eventually enough questions will get you to be honest and admit you are?

[crobeson96]

Same here. When I shared my interests in crossdressing that was her first reaction. The idea that only gay men crossdress seems woefully unsophisticated to one who's spent decades thinking about their hobby and why they pursue it.

My wife's worried all our marriage that I might run off with another woman. Now she's worried that I might run off with another man. Perhaps my little hobby has given me a greater acceptance and understanding of persons who find themselves attracted to other members of the same sex, men and women, but now when I indicate even tolerance of such things it reinforces her fears and doubts, etc.

I very early on felt empathy with society's growing understanding of the transgender phenomena - I knew that wasn't me but the fact that someone could feel that way seemed well within the realm of the possible.

For the record I consider crossdressing a behavior. People evidence behaviors for an infinite number of reasons - you don't have to read many of the posts here to understand that. One benefit of Crossdressers.com is that most here understand that each of us has a different background and emotional backstory and therefore a wide range of reasons we find ourselves here.

-Camilla

[Natalie5004]

Are you gay? You must be.

I heard it all before. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I am not gay. I don't even like it when I see men kiss in the tv shows or movies. I block it with my hand. I just don't like it.

But I can doll up like hell. I don't go out looking for men. I am pretty sure you don't either. It took 3 years for my wife to finally stop asking me that question.

Show your wife some facts about the men who cross dress. She will be shocked to see the percentage of straight men that engage in the practice.

[MonikaCD]

"Are you gay?" and "Do you want to transition?" are two universal questions and it doesn't surprise me at all.
You should better ask who has not heard them yet.

Best regards,
Monika

[Debbie Denier]

I have come across this before. It is a dated stereotype .Women see Ru Pauls drag race etc and perpetuate the myth.

[Genifer Teal]

We all know that gender and sex are separate concepts. Many parts of the world are still catching up. It is understandable to think if you dress a an attractive woman you must be looking for male attention. Women know if they dress a certain way the get more make attention. It is reasonable to think we would do it for the same reason.

[Sabine7]

When in male mode, I am completely straight. The thing gets complicated when en-femme. I still don't have an inclination towards men but I used to have fancies about the way women make love.

[gina shiney]

Yes, heard that from my ex at different times over the years we were married. Even though she understood my fetish as she called it.
It is complicated at times when in certain styles of dressing (and in the moment as it's said) but its not my drive or intention for any "presented" as a male involvement.
Females also dress to compete with other women just for looks not always to snare their man.

[Stephanie47]

I do not know if that thought ran through my wife's mind as she never asked those questions. Maybe, it was due to the fact lingerie had been incorporated into "bedroom" activity with mutual benefits for both. It was a nightie and hosiery. It wasn't until my interests started to go further; That Vanity Fair vivid red bra went a bit to far. I think actions speak louder than words. She was emphatic: "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!" I understand where my wife is coming from. She is a victim of female sexual assault.

[Cheryl T]

That seems to be the first assumption or question a woman has when she learns someone crossdresses.
My wife felt the same and we discussed it at length but the bedroom aspect is still a no go. Not because she thinks I am gay but because it makes her feel that she is and that angers her. I can understand her position. She wants a man in bed and while I love being that for her I would still love to have the intimacy that two women share and to share that with her. Maybe someday.

[siantv2003]

That’s exactly my problem with Ru Paul .. we had this discussion when at dinner a couple months ago. We were between courses and an ad for ru Paul came on and so many around the table went straight to that. Was surprised so many still make the association, especially in a group of 5 friends (families) where 3 have children who have come out on the spectrum. Think the penny finally dropped when I asked the family whose son is gay if they thought he crossdressed, they said no, it’s his sexual orientation not his gender expression to which I said ‘exactly’ so on that basis why is it so hard to accept the statistical fact that many cross dressers are straight?
The debate moved on when we talked about the girls, one being bi and the other gay, and it was agreed that girls (gig’s) probably had more latitude cos no one bats an eyelid when they wear male oriented clothing.

[Dutchess]

This is for everyone not just Charlotte

There's something that a lot of you maybe don't know but should know . A lot of you have made it clear that you do not like social media or are not on social media at all but one of the reasons she( and others ) may suspect that, is something that is totally beyond your control and certainly not your fault , but sexual expression between cd'ers in pictures/videos is very common all across social media right now and has been for a good while. You never see them with genetic women .

Twitter, Reddit, Insta, flickr , Snapchat , Even Facebook etc etc etc is literally overflowing with full on dresser to dresser "engagement" pics/vids that they post themselves , plus literally tons of on the downlow CD to CD or male chasers hookup groups on all these platforms too so its hard NOT to get that impression ..

I do not know her of course but she or anyone around her that is on any social platform is going to see this currently that and shouts of I AM A WOMAN everywhere :/ .. It would discourage me also .

We even see that here in some posts - stories or wishes

For others who really are straight and for alot of the posters here who are not on/dont like any sort of social media , I dont think they realize just how prolific this is and they just think people are "behind the times ".

Both mine were bi ( despite ones protests to the contrary ) so I don't know . I don't know any 100% straight crossdressers in my private life .Only a few here . I have had several bi men in my life so it doesn't bother me , just don't waste my time if you are gay or bi and use me to hide it - that's the difference and yes you do know ( totally not directing this at Charlotte ) .

You all are barking up the wrong tree with Ru Paul, that show is tame and old hat compared to what CDers are posting themselves for everyone to see all over the internet

Females also dress to compete with other women just for looks not always to snare their man.

This is projection ^^^ I only ever see CDers and some T's saying this .. as far as I have been alive, 61 yrs , this is not the case in real life . You all seem to be very heavy duty into looks.

[Jessica G.]

I used to get some of those responses from some of my friends. Not in a mean way but they wondered if I was since I cross dressed.
I have only been doing this for 2 1/2 years and years ago I am not going to say I was proud of my mindset before I found myself, but I would of asked the same. (this I feel was a barrier keeping my inner Femininity hidden)
I had never had any interest in men and have been straight and love my wife. She has never asked that question but has asked if I was bi or curious. I thought about this one for a bit and came to the conclusion that while I have not done anything before I have some interest to an extent. I tend to think a little different presenting as Jessica. I feel like a woman and at time I wonder what it would be like with a transexual or fellow crossdresser as they both present the female form and features which I am attracted to. These are some thoughts I have never had before and come and go from time to time. My wife has no issue with it and we tend to keep honesty and faithfulness between us. Its nothing that I need in life, and I feel like I am lucky to be able to be intimate with my wife as woman. I asked my wife if she would have an issue as I can understand she married me as a man. To my surprise she responded that she married me for me, not because of gender.

Like others have mentioned, everyone is different and there are so many different stories, but as someone that was bullied in school and was called gay or for no reason other then to bully, it makes me mad when people automatically assume. I fallow Mark Bryan on Instagram after my wife told me she fallows him and he is a straight married male that wears skirts and heels (he gets custom designer shoes made just for him! Jealous!) and if you look on his post there is always someone calling him gay or something is mentally wrong etc. He does not care one bit and when he responds back the name caller looks like a fool.
Social media is a big problem for us, as its easy to get upset and bullied by someone that is a coward talking behind a keyboard.

[kimdl93]

Not so much repeated questioning, but it was the very first question. It does not matter how you answer the question. Some people have deeply ingrained preconceptions about gender and sexuality, and they are likely to doubt any assertion to the contrary.

[Stephanie47]

Dutchess, I have to assume your observations are correct as I am not on any social media. My cup of tea is this site and Femulate. Of course, if a woman enters "Crossdressers" into a search engine a lot of graphic material is going to pop-up. Chances of seeing a cross-dresser in the wild are remote unless one knows where to look. The same can be said of gays and lesbians. Look and you'll find! The same can be said of straight men and women looking to hook-up.

Perhaps, the big issue is the unexpected...revelation that a spouse is not who was originally presented or at least not 100%. Funny thing, the only gays and lesbians I know are in committed public relationships while all the unfaithful guys are fathering kids all over the place. Unfortunately, the political climate these days is driving a lot of men and women back into the closet.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

A few questions.
1 why did you question if you were bi? Seems to me there must have been some kind of attraction to men for you to question it. And now you managed to turn that switch off? Figure out how to market that and you'll be a billionaire.
2 You've spent 9 years trying to get into bed with your wife? I would have given up and moved on long ago.
3 "eventually enough questions will get you to be honest and admit you are [gay]?" Uh, only if you are. Are you?

Not that there's anything wrong with that. But if you can't be honest with yourself how are you going to be honest with anyone else?

[char GG]

Please re-read Dutchess' post.

My hubby's social media is full of CDers draped all over each other or dressed very provocatively - knowing what will attract men. His chat section also has men wanting to meet up and do things that can't be discussed here. Is it any wonder that a wife who sees these type of posts tries to guess what is going on? If I didn't ask him: what were these comments about? -I would probably think the same thing. Keep the lines of communication open and if a question like that comes up, talk about it. Wives aren't mind readers. We follow the clues. If you are gay, then admit it. If you aren't, then you aren't. Don't question the question when many posts point to the contrary.

Also, I can't just let this go:

Females also dress to compete with other women just for looks not always to snare their man.

Usually not the case. I never say never. But none of the women I have every known, dress to compete with other women.

And to the OP:

I have spent 9 years trying to get her into bed with me, but because I enjoy certain things we can't discuss, there is an assumption that said bedroom activity + crossdressing = I must be gay or bi and questioning myself

I know that you have a toddler but I think you should need to have a lot of discussions.

[Kitty Sue]

I told my wife I was bisexual. She new of my bisexuality before we married. Has not prove a problem at all. Yes, we are in a monogamous relationship. In saying that my wife had all kinds of questions for me which I answered as best I could. When I came out to her about CDing she had a lot more and again asked if I might be gay. I am not gay, but definitely bisexual. Also I did my best to reassure her that I was not seeking to transition.

[docrobbysherry]

I have no clue if you're bi or gay, Charlotte. But, if u haven't slept with your wife in 9 years u both need to see a therapist!

[GracieRose]

It seems that this is a standard assumption, that if you are a crossdresser, then you are gay. This seems to be from the assumption that sex and gender are 100% linked together. When I was young, I questioned myself as to whether I might be gay. I figured out that girls turn me on, and guys are yuck. When I told my wife that I crossdressed, the first thing that she asked was if I was gay. It seems to be expected.
I am saddened to hear Dutchess's post about the stuff on social media. I guess my limited social media exposure leaves me uninformed. Perhaps this is part of the reason that so many politicians are up in arms about transgender people. Maybe they are spending too much time on social media looking at this stuff.

[CharlotteCD]

I just want to be clear, I have been having regular sex with my wife for the whole 9.5 years we have been together. I commented that I've been trying to get her into bed for 9 years because I have a higher sex drive, and I would have sex 5-6 days a week if I could.

That's all I'm saying - I've been trying to get her into bed most days of the last 9 years, not that I haven't managed it at all in that time.

And no, despite the comments since, I am not gay or bi. I don't need to accept some part of me I am denying, or ashamed by. I'm not interested in that.

Regarding social media, I guess I just don't browse that sort of thing. The crossdressing content I see is far more wholesome and relates more to the acts of femininity like makeup or clothes styling.

I will discuss this with my wife - I don't want her having an opinion of me based on the online actions of degenerates.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Charlotte , That seams to Be the Standard Question, >Orchid**OO**

[Di]

Completely agree with Dutchess and Char
Wanted to add
Many new GGs have told us reading ( guests can read this section without joining )
When looking to understand were completely freaked out at SOME posts here bragging on wanting men when dressed and fantasizing about it and meeting men on the side.
Of course not all CDs are cheaters or gay ect but you have to admit it sure is written about on here a lot. Someone wanting answers might mistakenly think all CDs are like that.
If she might have looked to understand - this is everywhere even here.
Thankful the some members say that does not pertain to them but the big scary thing that is thought about CDs is all over .

[QUOTE] Females also dress to compete with other women just for looks not always to snare their man.[QUOTE]
Also have to say something because it is a pet peeve.
You all tell each other such things even though we repeatedly (GGs) tell you differently …..sigh.

[GretchenM]

Our 3 wonderful GG's that have responded here make some excellent points about the impact of social media on the idea that CDers are gay or bi and that is why they CD. For some that is absolutely true whether they admit it or not. But I wish to also add that many of those who have fully transitioned in fact think a lot more like these three GG's with regard to competing and the standard perception of CDers.

Competition is more characteristic of male-like gender behaviors than it is for female-like gender behaviors. Among females the thinking is more dominated by seeking positive relationships, working together, and cooperation. Females do compete but it is usually not for mates as many males tend to think because they often think that way because that is what they were taught to think - competition is the path to success in life. Bull! Female-like gender behaviors are dominated by empathy, sympathy, and compassion rather than in the male-like world where competition, strong leadership, and dominance are the classic male gender behaviors (that is changing to become more moderated in many younger males today, thank goodness). (Note: if you want to read about the history of this thinking I recommend "Gender and Our Brains" or "The Gendered Brain," each by Gina Rippon.)

All of this differentiation of male and female and relating sex and gender as having a vast realm of overlap is a result of hundreds of years of Western Civilization accepting that concept as being a rule that has been cast in bronze and is the very nature of human relationships. Problem is there is a tendency to think that what we in the "West" think and believe is virtually fact and when we compare others to our thinking we conclude that if they view it differently they are wrong because we can't be wrong. Oops! That doesn't really work now, does it.

The overlap between gender (a social phenomenon) and sex (a reproductive function with some connection to social relationships) has been found to actually be rather weak. That kind of rather separated kind of thinking regarding sex and gender behaviors is most commonly seen in the wide variety of humans and their cultures. But in the West the connected concept is stereotypical.

To avoid the kind of misconceptions and the nasty influence of those misconceptions the thoughts, particularly that Dutchess expressed, need to become more standardized to replace the distortions created by historical thinking in cultures of the "West." Sadly, all the social media photos that these three point out are tending to perpetuate the idea that CDers are most likely gay or bi and dress to attract mates and maybe are sex starved or addicted people that need to be avoided or even eliminated because they are dangerous, especially to children. Isn't it interesting that female CDers don't often portray themselves in the same way that male CDers sometimes do? They don't usually get the impact of discrimination or "Lock Them Up" kind of thinking among some.

For me, Gretchen is an identity and she does not have a sexual orientation because sex is not important to her. It is important to her male companion, but not to her. She just wants to be a girl sometimes and embrace the compassion and empathy she most often sees in women. Gretchen can't spit out babies from between her legs so what is the point of being sexually female and seeking a temporary or permanent male mate? To Gretchen that simply does not make sense. But your way may be different and that is OK. But please give the hidden meanings in your presentation and whether that is maybe making an erroneous impression that perpetuates negative thinking about people like us.

[Bea_]

I'd like to take a second to thank the mods here on the forum for their keeping a tight ship that keeps this site from devolving into a place I don't want to be, much less a place that I'd be horrified for my wife to find. I am not social in my dressing and have no experience with the social media that Dutchess mentioned.

That said, I've faced the "gay" question more than a few times since I started dressing. But, the gay question came up more than once before I started dressing and I have never known why. I always knew that I wasn't the most masculine guy around but I was never aware of sending off a 'gay' vibe. I'm not gay, but my wife has had no context to help her understand why a man would be drawn to wear things expressly designed for women. She has always been more traditionally minded and I have always been more open to exploring the unexplored, within the confines of being straight and monogamous. I started dressing in my mid-fifties and most of what I wear around the house is femme and barely gets a notice these days.

But, she still balks at even the tiniest hint of mascara and she pulls away any time she feels my bra through my shirt. She knows my taste extends beyond her comfort zone and I try to strike a balance between her comfort zone and the need to be assertive in expressing myself.

On the subject of "competing", my two cents comes from being married to a wife who was always one of the best dressed women in any office she worked. She was complimented regularly and I took pride in the fact that she always looked both attractive and professional. I would never have called the way she dressed as competitive. She liked feeling good about how she looked and it showed. She dressed in a way that would more likely get compliments from women than from men, but there's no doubt in my mind that men thought she was attractive without feeling any invitation to pursue.