How many have been crossdressing before starting a family?

[Jessica G.]

As the title states, I have had some thoughts in regards to cross dressing going into starting a family.
I have been doing this for almost 3 years and I am going to be 32 in April and my wife is 31. We have been together for 14 years and married for 2.

If you ask me my plans years ago, I wanted to have a child around 27 but things change. My wife is a type 1 Diabetic, and also sufferers with arthritis sadly making it tough.
We have been talking over the past couple years about having a child in our early 30s maybe in the next year or two.

I told my wife I would love to have one, but also think about my cross dressing. How am I going to be able to do what I love while trying to figure out how it will play out in a early family setting. I told my wife I am not trying to sound selfish but she knows how much it means to me to express my feminine side and she understands. If anyone is coming up with concerns its me.

Mainly how do I go about dressing? How would I introduce this to my child? I want my child to pursue what they want in life but I don't want to be the direct influence.
How would I keep this a secret from the people I don't want to know, such as going over to family and worrying if my son or daughter will say Daddy dresses like a woman and them not understanding that it is something not 100% accepted in todays world.
Then there is also the possibility of my child getting bullied at school if they find out Dad dresses like a woman etc.

What I don't want is there to be conflict with how I dress and feel, making me question should I have a child if its going to complicate or ruin my inner femininity.

Has anyone else continued to dress and present as a woman while going into starting a family?

-Jessica <3

[Stephanie Michelle]

I told my ex wife before we got married. She was OK with it. We had fun even when the kids came. Although we kept it from the kids. There were times when I didn't dress up, busy with life. I didn't go out except for a couple of Halloweens. For me it was a good mix of dressing. It could always be more though.

[JulieC]

Jessica, excellent questions. I faced the same issues. I've been crossdressing from 8 or 9 years old without self acceptance. I reached a level of self acceptance at 23. I dated someone for a long time with whom I was very close, and she was almost the complete package but...she was very undecided about having kids. I have always known I wanted kids. We gently broke up for that and other reasons. Some years later, I met my now wife. I let her know about my crossdressing a couple of months into our relationship. She took it well. Before we married, we both understood we wanted to have kids, and we started having them immediately after getting married. So, that's how I got to the point of having kids.

How did crossdressing work in with that? It didn't, mostly. That's the short answer.

Long answer; My wife and I had some discussions about it. Since I'd always known I wanted to have kids, I knew that at some point I'd have to compromise on crossdressing unless they were brought up knowing all along. We decided that we did not want to tell the kids, because kids attempting to keep a secret adds burdens to their lives they don't need. Kids can be very cruel at school, and if someone found out their dad crossdresses, it'd be a permanent marker on them and it would follow them all the way through their senior year in high school. Asking them to keep a secret from extended family members would also add a burden. It would also teach them habits towards family members we didn't want to think of as the normal go-to solution for everything. It would also leave them knowing that dad was living a false life, playing the role of a man but not really fully being a man. We wanted them to live an authentic life, not encumbered with these burdens or perceptions. So, that was the general approach. We figured we'd revisit it some day after they were adults and on their own, so they wouldn't have the burden of having to live at home with a crossdressing dad if they didn't want to. We're not there yet, but we're getting close.

In handling it this way, it has severely limited my ability to crossdress. The kids never saw me crossdressed past 24 months of age. One caught a brief glimpse of me in heels, but it was very brief and they were three. It's likely forgotten. Certainly it's never been spoken of. Having to be so hidden has meant a lot of underdressing, but even with that I have to be careful of how I underdress, lest they detect. I've also taken opportunities when they arise to crossdress away from home. Example; I have a doctor I go to that's a bit over an hour's drive. I have a "jump bag" as I call it, with crossdressing clothes in it for the day. I'll leave home underdressed, complete dressing at a secluded location, make the drive, and reverse the dressing. I'll do the same on the way back home. Occasionally, I've taken a day off when the kids are at school to spend the entire (school) day dressed. In all though, my opportunities to crossdress have been very limited.

This was a compromise I was willing to make to have kids. I valued (and still value) having kids over crossdressing. The two, in my opinion, are mostly incompatible. This isn't the kids' fault, it's not my fault. It's our discriminatory, hateful society's fault. If being trans were acceptable across the spectrum, it wouldn't be an issue.

My kids still don't know. Though, my youngest has inadvertently recently handled some slip shorts of mine, but thought they were mom's. That kid may have also rifled through some drawers and happened across pantyhose of mine. Though, my wife and I share that particular dresser so this one probably thought they were mom's.

Will I ever tell them? Hard to say. I don't see a direct benefit to them knowing. If my wife should pass before I do, then I'll probably have to have a conversation with them, else they'll be cleaning out dad's things and find a bunch of femme clothes that clearly didn't fit mom and have no idea what it's all about. Alternatively, I could leave a note with the clothes. My wife is considerably more willing to talk with the kids about it. Me, I just don't see the point. If we get into a situation where we're living near enough to one or more kids that they might drop by unexpectedly (but always welcome!) and just come right in the house, then we'll have to have a conversation. I don't want them to burst into the house, turn the corner into the kitchen, and surprise! Dad's wearing a dress and heels.

[docrobbysherry]

No, I began when we were close to divorce!

[Jessica G.]

Stephanie like you my wife has been ok with it from the start.

JulieC, thank you for sharing your story.
In my case its not that I don't want my future kid(s) to know it trying to find a way to make both work. For me I feel like I have it too good then some members on here and sometime I hate to explain as I don't want to brag. I have the ability to dress around home whenever I want, and I usually do 7 days a week. I end my workdays with a shower and transform into Jessica, cloths, hair and makeup for the last 4 hours before bed. Days off I have the ability to for longer around the house if I choose but it has only been kept at home for now and I'm hoping to change that this year.
Like you mentioned in regards to your children stumbling on some of your cloths or seeing you. I have so many dresses, forms, shoes purses make-up that I don't want to box up and put in storage because I have to hide it.

While being this fortunate and the fact that I love expressing my fem side is what bothers me in regards to taking the next step in having kids. I don't know how I will be able to deal with sacrificing Jessica time.
My wife tells me that we can make it work or will find a way but I'm trying to figure that out. It was also a topic I talked to my therapist about and she told me "Why not" when I told her I feel like I wont be able to continue as I am now.
Now I don't hate manly things, I love to work in the garage on my classic cars an still like some of my male attire such as my suits but I have been liking my fem side more.
Underdressing will not work for me, I've tried it and I don't feel the same way that I do in a nice A-line dress, heels, make-up and hair.
I hate to sound selfish but it something I cannot hide for 18 years until they leave home (a lot longer these days) and fully pick up again in my 50's and my wife understands but I also don't want to regret not having children in my later life.
This has just been one of topics I have hanging over my head as something that can potentially take something I love away from me. Dressing is more then just crossdressing to me, it is part of who I am even to the point where I question my gender at times. Having to hide this I feel will put me back into my depression and that's not something I want.
Defiantly a difficult situation for me to try and figure out.

-Jessica <3

[bridget thronton]

My kids were not told about my dressing until they went to college. My wife insisted i tell them - before i stranger did. They may have had glimpses of me dressed before I told them, if they came home unannounced. They were both OK with my dressing. When my daughter moved home after her divorce with my granddaughter (3 years ago she is now 6) I dressed whenever I wanted and my granddaughter treats me wearing a dress and heels as normal.

[kimdl93]

My first wife was aware of my cross dressing, though it was limited to underdressing, before either of our children were born. She was quite tolerant of it for the nearly 2 decades of our marriage. Other matters contributed to the end of the relationship. The kids were not aware until the break up.

[Vale]

Hi Jessica, I did that, although prior to the kids I was a once a week girl. Not as regular as you. The short answer for me was to find other ways of exercising my femininity that did not depend as much on clothing. I focused on my nurturing and caring skills. Everything from burping the babies after nursing to volunteering at their schools. My clothing was just slightly androgynous (1980s). My small dress collection was rarely used during those years. There is a much longer story there, but rather than elaborate I just want to suggest that there may be value in broadening your vision of how you express your femininity. . . Vale

[Connie D50]

I started crossdressed around 10 years old. Also when I met my wife, however I didn't tell her until after we were married (a regret of mine). She did know before we had children. We have 2 daughters which I told them about my crossdressing in there teens. (both excepting and still are today)

[Dutchess]

Maybe you are just not ready for kids yet or maybe not ever . That's ok too .

When you have kids, that child must( and will) come first . Dressing or "gender issues" go to the back of the line you have to be able to put yourself last , even if only for awhile and that goes for a lot of things when you have kids . People with kids know what I mean .Dressing should pale in comparison to a child .

I also agree with what Vale said .

Our kids knew as it happened , his kids in Europe finally knew but do not want to see or discuss it .
Our kids now are resentful of it as adults but it was not so much the dressing but because he could not put himself last and his dressing caused my youngest and I to be homeless for a bit when I finally could not tolerate his dressing behavior and had to leave .. not because of the clothes themselves .

[Jessica G.]

I would like to find a way to incorporate both but it seems like that may be difficult.
I had a good friend that helped me when I came out to my wife about cross dressing. Him and his wife's house was one of the very few places I left home dressed to go there and have dinner. They have a child that is 2 1/2 now and mid last year when he was a little younger I would still go there dressed but I ask him if it was ok as I worried if his son would eventually get confused seeing me as a female and then seeing me as a man at times. He and his wife said they are raising their child to be accepting of other peoples expressions and gender identity. But I still felt weird as I did not want to be the influence especially if its not my child even if his parents said it is ok, so I stopped going there as Jessica.

For me this is a difficult situation. I have told my wife, cousin, brother (who I also found out recently that he cross-dresses to my surprise) that I wish I could present as Jessica all the time. I've told them if we lived in another state away from all my localized family that I would do this and my wife understands. I have even mentioned that I would love to have female breasts and even though my wife is ok with that as well, I look to the future and ask things like, how are you going to hide them, and what about the beach, swimming etc. Like I mentioned there are times where I question my gender. I know I am a male and always will be but I feel like its a 70/30 the 70 being my feminine side. Its not so much the clothing that makes it, but how I see myself in the mirror when I'm completely Jessica. There is something about it that feels so right and how I should be.

I know I would love if the situation was that simple and there was an easy solution, but I guess I am being a little self centered for the fact that I just don't want to sacrifice something that is a part of me. One of the reasons may be that now that I'm finally able to express myself I want to continue it rather than looking at back at all the time lost in my 20's to come out and do this. Who knows if that will change but I know as of now It will not.

Thanks Bridget, Kim, Vale and Connie for sharing your stories. I hope my future child can be accepting when it comes time to discus my fem side.

[Sometimes Steffi]

There's a whole other side to this. Just because you want children doesn't mean that you can have them.

When we got married, we had both decided that we didn't want kids. Then she changed her mind, but I stayed firm. I was almost 30 when I decided that I wanted to have kids also. She was 34. I had decided to make my decision a "Christmas present" to her. I told her about this a few weeks before Christmas. She wanted to "Open her present early" so to speak. I knew what her cycle was and I made her wait until after Christmas to open her present.

Given our ages, I expected it to take a while getting her pregnant. I was expecting months of wild sex with her chasing after me all the time. As it turned out, she got pregnant on her very first cycle after Christmas. It was way too easy.

About 3 years later, we decided to try for number 2. It was still very easy to get her pregnant, but is wasn't easy to keep her pregnant. Over the next 2 years, she had four miscarriages between to 12th and the 17th week. There were also some heave bleeds in the 4 to 6 week range that might have been unconfirmed miscarriages. All this was very emotionally painful. I still cry (like now) retelling it.

After the 4th miscarriage, we gave up. I would like to say that there is some happy sort happy ending to this. The happy ending is that we have one healthy kid. She just turned 40. It never worked again.

My wife didn't know that I was a CD at the time. I didn't even have to words to process it back then. She was not happy to say the least when she fund out later. She accepts it now, but prefers that it was different. My daughter doesn't know.

But, if you both want children, just do it. Now. You might not get the opportunity again. They don't call it "The miracle of childbirth" for nothing.

[Cheryl T]

Me.
Since I began dressing at about age 5 and had my own first outfit at about 14.

[Kitty Sue]

I have cross dressed for almost as long as I can remember. My wife and I agreed I would not dress around our daughter. To be honest I have never dressed around my wife either. Our daughter is 9. Perhaps when she is an adult she may understand cross dressing more idk.

[alwayshave]

In my first marriage I did not dress or present as a women when my children were young. I never told my ex-wife. I hid it pretty well. This had little to do with my kids and everything to do with my ex-wife.

[Jessica G.]

Steffi, thank you for sharing your story with me.
That is something that I also have to worry about give my wife's conditions. A pregnancy might not be as easy and we do run certain risks. Sometime we talk about kids, and how I would like to make my parents grand parents as well as they are getting a little bit older and I would love to have a child of my own and I look at the clock and realize the longer we wait then it may become difficult.

Kitty, Its not that my wife would have anything against it, I just want to try to figure out the right way to bring it up. I'm sure ill figure it out in time, its just a pending concern I have and I don't want that concern to change my mind in wanting children.

I'm sorry about that Jamie, I hope everything is good for you now

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jessica , I am 81 and I have been in this program for over 77years Now, >Orchid**OO**

[Rachelakld]

I started around the age of 6.
The kids would have got lots of grief at school if it got out, so I waited until they were nearly finished before they were informed.
I now have to hide my stuff again as the grandkids (Miss 2 and Mr 3) turn up most mornings and afternoons (they live upstairs)

[Lacey New]

I was crossdresssing before I got married. I never came out to my wife after testing her reaction to the subject while dating and early on in our marriage. As a result, I carefully kept my small stash hidden and would,only dress infrequently when there was an opportunity. Now, many years later, I have pared way back both in the size of my wardrobe as well as when I dress. It is simply the compromise I have decided to accept. You may find that even though your wife is accepting, that for the best interest of your family, you might have to do the same.

[Jessica G.]

I can understand some points made. I know I have a rare fortunate situation with my wife that pretty much gives me Carte Blanche when it comes to dressing.
This is something that I have only been able to do for the past 2 years. Inside I am not ready to slow down at all. This is where I probably start to sound self centered. This is more than dressing it is part of who I am. I do not want to regret that I did not get to express myself as I wanted to by having to box my stuff up and revisit in 18 years. Ive read posts from the older generation wishing they could of done it more when they were younger. I look at my 20s and realize i really did not do much for myself. This has been the first time in my life i have been trying to put myself first. My wife does not expect me box up my stuff. She says there should be no reason I should have too. But I just have the concerns in my OP.
I also don't want to look back and regret not having children even though like mentioned above may not be as easy for us given my wife's situation...
I'm sure there is a way that both can correspond but I just don't know how to go about it.
I plan to bring this topic up with my therapist at my next appointment.
I just don't want something taken away from me, just as it's begun.

[Melody Rich]

I suppressed my desires for many years. I had never even heard of the term "transgender" until I was nearly 40, living in caves most of my life. When I finally read about it, things clicked into place and I realized that I had been trying to destroy a part of me. It was this self loathing that made me angry and depressed all along, because I thought there was something wrong with me that had to be stopped.

I did not accept myself until after my children were born. My wife has excepted things to a degree and in the understanding that I had an abusive childhood. Whether that is the cause, or was a contributing factor, I've no idea.

[Stephanie47]

Before kids my wife and I dabble in the bedroom with me wearing a nightie and hosiery. It wasn't until our kids were 8 and 3 that my interests progressed to "The Talk" stage. My wife is not appreciative of my desires, so I do not "rub her nose in it." It was difficult to find a "crumb of time" to don some feminine attire. Without reading other postings I do not know whether you are able to openly wear feminine garments around your wife; freely being yourself. If so, then a change in circumstances will damper your interests. Depending on the size of your wardrobe it may be easy to conceal it. If you live near a family member there may be the opportunity for kids to stay over at the grandparents or an overnight stay at a playmates house. Even if cross dressing was not in the picture a husband and wife need some adult alone time in a marriage.

Me? My wife took on a job as a nursery attendant at a church and took the kids along to Sunday school. That gave me a mere three hours on one day a week. Not nearly enough. When both kids were in school and my wife took a job at the school I took off a "therapy" day from work. I cannot offer advice as to the deep negatives that may occur as I do not openly express myself. But, being a father and grandfather is rewarding, but also many times totally frustrating.

[Phoebe Reece]

My wife and I were married for 6 years before we had our first child. I was crossdressing during that time with full acceptance from my wife. We discussed what to do when we did have children. We decided that it would not be a good idea to try and keep my crossdressing a secret from our future children as they would likely find out one way or another. If we tried to keep the secret and they found out, they might think it's OK for them to keep secrets from my wife and me. We wanted them to grow up feeling they should be as open and honest with us as we would be with them. That discussion was around 50 years ago. We had a girl and a boy and they grew up with full knowledge of their father's unusual "hobby". They are in their 40's now and my crossdressing has never been a problem for them. There were periods of times when they were teenagers and always had friends stopping by our house unexpectedly that I refrained from crossdressing at home so as not to cause them any possible embarrassment. It worked out fine for our family. Everyone has to make their own assessment of what is likely to work in their own situation. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Jessica G.]

Stephanie I am able do anything around my wife. I present when I am off from work or have a free day around the house. My wife is never bothered by it. When she sees me dressed as Jessica, she sees me being myself. We have a great understanding. My main post was to see if anyone else has continued to present themselves how they wish going into starting a family and how some people deal with some of the concerns I mentioned in the OP.

Phoebe, your story is what I hope I could accomplish when the time comes for my wife and I to start a family. I know that Jessica will never go away. There is bound to be a slip up and then you have to explain. It seems like if they are going to find out in the end, why not start early and be truthful just as you mentioned honesty is best. Your story gives me hope that it is possible, and I think I will need to assess the situation when the time comes.

[Sabine7]

I started long time before being married and it was more than 4 decades ago. It's funny I didn't even know I was crossdressing.