Non-CDing Outlets

[CharlotteCD]

My wife and I have had a further discussion about "the gay question", and my wife is apparently satisfied that I am not gay, I am not bi, and I don't want to experiment to be sure. I think she understands and accepts that she is the only person I want in my life from a physical or emotional POV.

The discussion has also been had regarding the clothes making her feel uncomfortable, and I have agreed that I will get rid of the clothes provided she is willing to support me as I when I face any future challenges, and that she accepts I will need an outlet of some kind.



One suggested outlet I have discussed with her is that she be more willing to go shopping for clothes with me, and will allow me to pick things out that I think she would look nice in.

Having the opportunity to browse and buy clothing will be extremely satisfying, moreso when I see how amazing clothes look on her. I simply don't like dressing any more. I dressed last week and felt bad before, bad during and embarassed afterwards.

We do have a stumbling block on this outlet however which is that my wife is seeing it in a positive and negative. On one hand she gets to add freely to her wardrobe, but on the other hand she is looking at it as "When C buys something for me, it is because it is something he wants to wear", which then puts the image into her head of me wearing womens clothes.

I don't know how to get around that, so what other outlets satisfy the need to CD?

[Gillian Gigs]

What I have read over the years here is this. It is only a matter of time before you will be dressing again! My experience of purging and then starting again showed me that I was not alone.

Try just underdressing, she will not see anything, yet you will enjoy the wearing certain articles of clothing. The underdressing might provide that outlet which you seem to still need, or want.

The embarrassment, and guilt are both so typical, yet I doubt they are enough to keep you from not dressing again. Why, because you are already looking for an outlet!

[CharlotteCD]

Please can I request that there are no more posts saying you'll just start doing it again.

This forum can be like going to a pub full of alcoholics and saying you're going to stop drinking. They'll all tell you you won't and you can't.

Same with an eating disorder or smoking.

The simple facts are that as with any other addiction, you simply need to value something else over the addiction, and you need to find other outlets for that energy.

I want constructive advice as to outlets should that need return. Considering it hasn't returned and I only restarted recently to see if it would return, I know it is dormant. I have also discussed with my wife that the desire is dormant, and I will discuss with her should I start having issues.

[char GG]

Do you have hobbies, sports outlets, and/or gym outlets that perhaps you could do together? A popular one right now is pickleball. There are tennis, volleyball, softball groups, spin classes, just all kinds of activities that you could do together or by yourself. We took sailing lessons long ago and still sail together every summer. You have a toddler so you could do stroller walks together, go to parks, rock climbing places have areas for toddlers to climb their own courses, playgrounds, outdoor swimming pools or indoors at a YMCA type of place. Many public pools have toddler shallow areas with water toys.

It seems that clothes shopping would be a stumbling block because of the nature of the beast. I would not suggest clothes shopping together because there may always that little inkling in the back of her head that you are shopping for yourself and not "together" (as you already explained). (In my mind, shopping is the most boring activity ever, so that would never be my suggestion.) CDing is not always a joint activity. If she doesn't want to participate or you don't want her to, don't push it. Turn the conversation to other daily activities.

Ask her what she has always wanted to do but never had a chance. You may be surprised. Don't limit yourselves to shopping

[StephanieCD]

I think the fact you have given up cross dressing forever and yet you are here looking for advice actually says a lot more than your post. And you reply to advice from the experienced members in a not very nice manner. I think you need to stop, think and listen.

[Laura912]

What Char suggested.

[kimdl93]

I would suggest that you follow the tried and true techniques of cognitive behavioral therapy. When a thought/inclination arises, be prepared to tell your mind to stop, even going so far as saying stop aloud. The point is to derail the train of thought. And have some alternate activities readily at hand. Read a book, take a walk, call a friend, work out. Any such diversion may put the moment of desire out of your thoughts for a time.

Another technique is to simply commit to one day at a time. Today I will not cross dress. If you fail tomorrow, that is ok. Everyone has setbacks. Just commit to another day. eventually you may string two, three or 300 days of abstinence in succession. You may still have a desire, but you will also have the confidence that you can defer gratification of that desire.

If all this makes cross dressing sound like an addictive behavior, well, for some people it may very well be. Addiction is often defined as a behavior that leads a person to experience emotional distress, adverse economic impacts, and/or relationship difficulties. You can decide for yourself if any part of this definition applies to you.

Another observation about addiction. A friend of mine has been an addiction counselor for a couple of decades. He observed that addiction is often a consequence of a person trying to ease an emotional pain. The endorphin rush at least momentarily distracts one from whatever that pain may be. The difficulty is in part figuring out where the pain comes from. The endorphin rush from cross dressing may serve a function similar to drugs (legal or otherwise), porn, sex, eating or gambling. Unfortunately, the momentary effect may yield a diminishing effect over time, leading to ever increasing the addictive behavior in pursuit of that good feeling. It can become a vicious cycle.

A good book on the subject is Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence, by Anna Lembke.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I went to several different therapists over the years. After the first session with one of them, she told me that I was gay, but that being gay wasn't a bad thing. I thought that she was wrong about my being gay, but I decided to play along to test out the theory.

I had a membership at a gym and I went there 3 times a week. It was pretty easy to glance around the locker room to see if I was attracted to any of the dudes there in various states of undress, It became clear very quickly that there were some guys that I wanted "to be" but there was no guy that I wanted "to be with".

[Raychel]

Just a randon thought I had after reading this thread.

Pick a thing that you and your wife like to do, When you get the urge to dress, ask your wife to do that instead

Urge comes along,
Hey, What do you say we go to the movies.
How about going for a walk.
Lets play cards for a while.

That will divert your mind away from the dressing and get you to spend more quality time with your wife.

certainly could be worth a try

[Cheryl T]

I wish you well.
Hope all works out for you and your wife to the satisfaction of all.

[CharlotteCD]

When it comes to doing activities together, sports are pretty much out. I cannot do anything impact, my wife no longer cycles and instead runs which excludes my participation, and my daughter blocks us from doing most activities because she's such a needy child.

It's hard not to resent my current situation given that my wife spends her time wanting freedom from my daughter, and her freedom involves time on own which excludes me. She seems unable to see that it's been to the detriment of our relationship.

I think that the CBT approach is a positive one, but right now it isn't even an issue.

Since this post I have actually sold all but two tops, some sports leggings and a nightgown. I have no outfits, no bras etc. I packed them all up and sent them off. I had no trembles, no issues with it at all.

This latest phase of my life has been on the wind down for 2 years. I know it'll come back, which is why I don't want people telling me it's just going to come back. I wanted suggestions as to how to manage it.

As for it being telling that I come here to ask, who else am I going to ask about managing the need to crossdress? Surely this forum and the people who are unable to dress for one reason or another are the best people to ask? I simply wanted constructive responses, not enabling and critique that I will fail.

If I fail, I will be ready for that, and have already prepared my wife that one day it may well become an issue, which is why I want to have ways to manage it.

[Natalie5004]

I agree that is might be the best place to ask for suggestions on how to stop. Clearly we all lost that battle.

Now regarding purging......

[Jackiefl]

You come to a site where like minded people want to dress and enjoy telling us you want suggestions on how to stop. Enough said!

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

Your analogy about going to the pub and telling the drunks that you want to stop drinking is spot on. Here you are in a forum filled with people telling you it's ok to keep dressing and you want our help to quit. I do believe you can quit if you truly want to, but I don't think many of us here will be much help. The fact that you're still here makes me wonder how much you really want to quit.

My life would be simpler if I didn't dress, but I like it, and don't plan on quitting. So I keep hanging around.

Good luck to you.

[docrobbysherry]

Charlotte, Char and Jackie took the words out of my mouth. If u can leave CD.com forever, cold turkey? You're cured!

[SaraLin]

When it comes to your original question:

so what other outlets satisfy the need to CD?

I think it depends a lot on just what it is that you get from dressing in the first place.

If it's a need to "feel like a woman" then you can try doing what you feel are womanly activities. Help around the house, cook dinner, offer to babysit maybe?

If it's to get some kind of thrill, then seek out some other activity that gets the adrenaline going. Just keep it legal, please!

If it's a sexual thing, maybe you and your wife can experiment and find something that you both enjoy.

If it's the feel of the materials, there are (some) male things that are similar.


Of course there's the "do the opposite" approach, which is to throw yourself into ultra-masculine mode and avoid anything "girly".

Since you say you're not feeling it now, why not just shrug, say "well, that was interesting" and move on with your regular life?
IF the urge comes back, deal with it then. There is no benefit in stressing over it in the mean time.
You have a marriage and a child to take care of. Focus on those and you'll be busy enough.

[Dutchess]

You know I'm sitting here reading this. I've read this read a couple of times and you're the same ages my middle kids are. I had both boys and girls and I had difficult kids and I had easy kids and I understand completely that the difficult ones can really really test a relationship and sometimes it can even make or break one, the stress can..doesn't mean you don't love your kid , not in the least , , but kids sometimes can really put a strain on on lots of things.

You may already have one and if so just disregard this, but I think more than anything right now you all need a regular babysitter. I think both of you all need a break.

Just a regular every week babysitter for you too to go hang out together. Try to do one day a week together if you can just you and she .
You both seem like you're in pretty good shape. I know she runs you cycle and you can't go on the run with her but I think you both can hike together. I do that alot at 61 and you guys are a lot younger than me and I'm good shape.

Hiking puts you back out in nature one-on-one you and her together where you can just talk and unwind. If not hiking just anything that puts you and she together one-on-one without a lot of outside distraction at first . Something that gives both of you peace and kind of work up to it because it sounds like you all haven't had a chance to have a do over and go back to where it was when you first started seeing each other and create a new path together, go back to that beginning i remember what it was that attracted you all to each other in the first place you need to bring that back again. And may be hard for one or both of you to get back to that place but if you work at it you can you can get there .

A lot of times I've seen people dress because of stress in their relationships. Some will deny that all day long but when stressful occurrences happen in families or relationships are at work even I see the dressing accelerate.

I've also wondered if maybe in time you might end up working in fashion somehow. Especially because you enjoy seeing how clothes looking fit on your wife on the female form etc etc i've often wondered if one day you might end up being a designer, merchandiser , owning your own boutique/store , working for some of the big fashion houses In the UK, even a costume designer .Sort of looking at it as an art form which it is, and of course the world's greatest designers ,most of them have been male.

[JulieC]

Crossdressing is not an addiction any more than the color of your eyes are an addiction. Treating crossdressing as an addiction is bound to have negative consequences. You can't 'solve' crossdressing by engaging in other behaviors when you think about it anymore than doing so when you think about your eye color will change your eye color.

I strongly suggest you find a therapist willing to work with you on a variety of issues, including crossdressing. This is not to say I think you're broken. We all need help from time to time, exploring the depths of our brains. From your posts, it seems clear there is animosity brewing in your marriage. Your wife being a factor in your stopping crossdressing is going to contribute to that. There's serious trouble ahead, and getting some professional help to learn how to manage and improve things will likely save your marriage. Act now.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Are You GAY ??? That seams to be the Standard question when some one tells someone that they are A ( CD )

[Snide_lobster]

I don't know what might trigger your desire to CD, and perhaps fashion could be a good outlet for that energy. But at least from my personal experience, putting myself in a place full of women's clothing just gets me thinking about trying those items on. To use your pub analogy, joint shopping for your wife might be like an alcoholic picking out a bottle of wine for a party they can't attend.

[alwayshave]

Charlotte, no other outlet has ever satisfied my need to CD otherwise than CDing. I have been at this for 58+ years and I have always been drawn to women's clothes. I don't see anything ever changing this.

[Karren H]

The only thing I know that would stop your crossdressing, get gender change surgery!

[CDMargret]

I suggest speaking with a trained licensed and the professionally qualified to help others with needs similar to yours. In this place we dress. Asking us how to do other than really is futile. I am sorry for your dilemma. Best of luck.

[Stephanie47]

After my wife and I had "The Talk" she told me to NOT buy her lingerie because she thought I would be thinking about wearing it. She mellowed after awhile. I think Charlotte's wife will see right through the ruse of tagging along with her when she buys her clothes. What will she think when you tell her the dress does not look good on her?

I freely admit one reason I watch "Wheel of Fortune" is to see what Vanna White may be wearing. I also appreciate what female weather forecasters and correspondents on TV may be wearing. Heck, Sunday after noon at Costco can be a visual treat after church is over.

When my wife and I were raising our son and daughter who are five years apart both of us had no extra time for hobbies. I do concur a husband and wife should develop a routine of adult-only time.

[Amy Lynn3]

Char GG got it pretty much on the button. It worked for me that way. I had a hobby for myself, and she had one for herself. Then we both had several things we liked to do and share with each other. Cding was worked in when I had alone time. I might add it (cding) has always just been about the cloths for me.