Coming out to my oldest and closest friends

[danniUK]

Apologies for the long post!

The short version is: in April I'm planning on coming out to my best friends, and I'm wondering how this went for other people.

A bit of background - we all turn 50 in the next year or so, we've all known each other since junior/comprehensive school (that's UK, think this'd be from middle school if you're in the US).

We're the kind of friends that can go a long time without seeing each other but then pick things right back up when we do as if there'd been no gap. And during the late 00's and 2010's that was prety much the case, families and careers meant we rarely met up, life just got in the way. One good thing that came of the pandemic was that we started to have regular Zoom calls, catching up and doing things like group movie viewings together. Once covid died-down we agreed we should have a regular meet up of just the guys at least once a year.

There's six of us, but one moved to a different country so regular meetups are tricky (we went to his surprise 50th birthday party last year) and one has slowly distanced himself from the group over recent years (I think his wife doesn't approve of us for some reason).

That leaves the four of us. We've booked rooms at a country hotel in a nice scenic part of England at the end of April - a two night stay from lunchtime Friday til Sunday afternoon with the plan of going off on scenic walks during the day and good food and drink in the evenings. Yes, we're basically middle aged

You'll never meet a more enlightened group of guys in your life. I think. One of the guys recently said, after having seeing a comedy routine on the subject, that he didn't "get" how identifying as a different gender "works". Which was the first time I think anything trans related had ever come up in conversation and was a bit of a surprise. In contrast one of the guys, who's a big-wig at his company, is a (straight) LGBTQ advocate.

I want to come out to my oldest, dearest friends because if I can't be myself with them, who can I? Though I currently only dress in private - I've never been out in public before - I think this could be the nicest, safest first time for me. And I'd be in a place where the only people who know me are them.

I was thinking of having "the conversation" with them during the day while out walking, which should be a private enough setting for it. I feel a bit nervous because I've been dressing since we were teenagers but have kept it from them... it's wierd because it feels like it could be a hard conversation to start, but they're my closest friends and I know we can talk about anything. After the reveal I thought I'd suggest that I might turn up for dinner wearing clothes that I feel more comfortable in and leave it at that.

I'm pretty sure their first immediate response will be laughter, but that's ok. If any of them told me something about themselves that was completely unexpected I think I'd laugh first - and that's exactly the kind of friendship we have, we laugh about everything. So I imagine I'll tell them, there'll be a laugh and maybe some jokey questions about bra sizes or some such and the conversation'll be over until the evening.
I'm 100% sure that nobody will object to what clothes I wear for dinner.

I've already decided what I want to wear - I've got a favourite long sleeve top which looks good with or without a bra. I don't want to overload them for my first time so think I'll go bra-less. My favourite boot-cut high waisted jeans go lovely with that top. Then my cat-eye glasses (in contrast to my men's letterbox type spectacles) with some subtle eye makeup - eyebrows, liner and a little mascara. I've never been a fan of heavy makeup! I've just started growing my hair but it won't be particularly long by then, and I'm not going to wear a wig - rather I'll just see what I can do with it when the time comes.

I'm positive it won't change anything between us, but I'm still a bit nervous.

I still need to run this past my wife - she's the only person who knows so far and although she's been completely supportive I'm not sure whether she'd want my first time in public to be with her or not.

Does anyone have stories of how they came out to their closest friends they'd like to share?

I plan to post back to this thread after the event with how it went, if anyone's interested.

[kimdl93]

My suggestion is that you address this with your close before the get together. Talk with your friends individually before hand. I think they will appreciate the courtesy of not having this dropped on them as a group.

I have come out to several friends that go back to elementary school, not to mention some former colleagues, neighbors and folks that I met more recently through volunteer activities. In each case, I took an individualized approach. Not to say that is the only way, of course.

[ronny0]

I totally agree with Kim....
IMO you shouldn't 'pop' this on everyone at once w/o a warning.
My fear would be, that if you open up to everyone w/o any warnings... People might join together to accept or most likely reject w/o pondering the situation.
IMO if you want to share your situation. You should do it on a one on one so each person can voice their opinion rather than a group event.
One on one, you most likely will find some that are OK and some that are NOT OK.....
I came out to many of my friends via e-mail & a few selected photos. Some are OK, some are not.
The ones that are not, just don't want to know or see me as anything other than what I have always been (to them).
The ones that are OK with this aspect enjoy seeing me in another aspect of life.
Most of my friends didn't really care, a few saw it coming, and a few just don't want anything to do with the change.

[Fiona_44]

The group of friends I've come out to are all ex co-workers who I've known for 30 - 43 yrs. We are close, meet for lunch or dinner whenever we can, laugh and joke around a lot and good-naturedly razz each other all the time. I've surprised each and every one of them in revealing myself, nobody had advance warning, and everything went well. I knew them all very well and knew that this type of reveal would go over well with them and it did. No one knows your friends better than you so if you think your plan is a good one then by all means proceed. My friends all accepted my new lifestyle and I'm sure yours will as well.

[mykell]

ive never liked the "ta da" method whenever anyone proposes that especially when they want to come out to SO.

as for them accepting....never know and some may need more time than others....some may have suspected and this will be a conformation.

if this will be your first time in public you may want to test that water also....if your comfortable being out in the wild when you reveal to them it will certainly put them at ease that you are confident in yourself already. these are my opinions your mileage may vary.

as far as them knowing....way back we were hanging in a friends basment drinking and hanging around when one of the guys comes downstairs dressed in a tutu with the cheech n chong song playing (earache my eye)

we also did zoom calls during covid....i was having trouble connecting and had a black screen....couldn't see the players but could here the audio...the guy who ran the call i heard say i wonder if i will come out in 2023 1n 2022.... when youve been outed by these other events why should i.

also summer of 2022 one of the guys died....always had snarky comments to me....didnt go to the service but the guys met up after....some of the wives were present and i shared that i may have been intersexed which went well and shocked them. i never told anyone but they figured it out some how so your friends may have clues....hope some of this helps you and how you plan this event....

[Di]

ive never liked the "ta da" method whenever anyone proposes that especially when they want to come out to SO.
....

Please please please DO NOT do the “ta da”
I-have NEVER EVER on here all these 19 years heard this going well.
If you have known them all these years and they do not know THAT also figures into it .
Please reconsider and figure something else out …..group emailing, or meeting and talking and wearing gender neutral clothing.
I get you being excited to show your true self but do this in steps and consider them besides you if you want a good result.

[Helen_Highwater]

Danni,

You've told us one of your group is pro LGBTQ so my suggestion would be to before the weekend away, get in touch and talk about it with him.

Being high level management he may have experience of workers coming out to colleagues and how that was handled. That may provide useful insights and practical ideas as to how to proceed.

One thing I would say is you need to consider that you'll be in a hotel restaurant surrounded by complete strangers and you have no control over their responses. Hostility from one of them puts your friends into the firing line as well. If one of your friends is unsure of how to process your news, being in a confrontational situation might just leave a bad taste and sour your long standing relationship.

Now all of that is worse case scenario, everything may very well go swimmingly. I've dined in many restaurants enfemme while alone and never had a cross word said, but, PPPPP. Proper Planning, Prevents Poor Performance. In as much as you've a lot to gain, you've also potentially much to loose.

You might also wish to consider that you, by virtue of it being your first time in public, will be as nervous as hell. Butterflies the size of vultures so you will be putting a lot of pressure upon yourself. Opening that hotel door to step into public gaze will be a momentous moment. Give consideration to talking a few baby steps in advance of the weekend. Going for a drive dressed, initially at night but then in the day. Get a drive through burger while enfemme. Walk 50m from the car to a postbox or across a supermarket car park. Small things to build your confidence.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

My opinion (not from experience but from putting myself in other peoples' shoes) is this: Go ahead and talk to your best friends about this as you've planned, but be prepared to shelve the topic if their reactions are too negative. Then leave it alone, dress normal for dinner and don't bring it up again until they do. Who knows, they might want to see you dolled up later during drinks, or they might not want to have anything to do with it. But I definitely wouldn't "ta da" for dinner.

[GretchenM]

The "Ta Da" approach can be viewed as inconsiderate of the other person's feelings. Feelings are often more consequential than facts. I have found the best approach is to approach each person in a person to person way in a comfortable neutral environment. A group reveal may not be the best approach as different people may react in very different ways. It is not very predictable no matter how long you have been friends. Be gentle as the other person may be shocked or pleased or otherwise. They have formed an image of you based on something that is not fully representative of the real you NOW. People change but forcing is rarely accepted in an understanding way.

Been there, done the "Ta Da" approach a few times. It doesn't not work very well. Most were more or less accepting, but I lost some very treasured friends that way. BE CAREFUL.

[Di]

My response was to gasp because I have heard so many times members being crushed at the response they got .If I came off as harsh I am sorry but was trying to tell you this method does not usually go well ( never that I know of)
Please read above GretchenM post she put it perfectly.
I think it’s great you want to come out ….dont get me wrong just not the “ Ta Da” .

[Sandi Beech]

Danni,

Correct me if I am wrong please, but from what I read it sounds as if you have not ventured out in the wild crossdressed, and you only dress up at home. Unless you plan to be in public crossdressed often, I am not sure it would benefit you by coming out to your friends other than getting it off your chest so to speak. The burden to accept or not is shifted onto your friends.

I have been out many times, but because I am not full time, I see no need to involve family, friends, neighbors, or even coworkers. I do not have many long time friends, so I am not going to risk losing them. I they were to become aware somehow, I would own it. Also, If I had a need to be full time, it would be different.

Just adding another perspective. Please weigh the benefit vs risk. If I were you, I would try to make some new friends as a CD first and see how that goes. You have little to risk with new acquaintances.

Sandi

[CarlaWestin]

My BFF. I went into the nearly tearful, "Promise you'll always be my friend, OK?"
Dude said, "I've been wearing panties for as long as I can remember. They're so sexy and make me feel so good!"

[Cheryl T]

One friend I would like to come out to is the one who most likely would react the worst I'm afraid.
If not then I know for sure he would sit there and analyze me. He's a psychologist and never stops being one, LOL.

[chelyann]

i think this is a really bad idea, i would go to your get away and have fun, and bring up the subject of trans/ crossdressing in general ( NOT ABOUT YOU ) and see their feelings on the subject. like others have said do it 1 on 1 later when you know how they feel about the subject.
==== im not trying to throw water on your plans , i want you to have a great experience, and enjoy your life out and about. ====

[Andrea_cd]

I am new to the forum but please don't use the ta da method idid it went horrible and now i have 4 friends who wont even talk to me at all the individual way is the best , best of luck going forward

[JulieC]

Count me in the "1 to 1" vote column. This is a special trip for all of you. Even if you're 10000% certain they'll respond well, it hijacks the get together for your own purposes. That can come off as selfish. Do it 1 on 1.

[alwayshave]

Danni, Don't do it with a group. Split them from the herd one-by-one. While you'll have to have a the talk a few more times, it will be much easier.

[Jillcder]

Danni, lots of great advice here I agree with the one at a time method. You have me thinking about the responses I would get from my friends unfortunately I can only think of two that would be accepting I never plan on finding out but it is a troubling thought.

[Angela Marie]

I would love to come out to my friends as trans; but circumstances, age and family considerations, make that unlikely. Since you have known these individuals so long is there any one in particular that you think may be more understanding of your situation? If so I would contact that person and ask his opinion. I do agree with the majority of posters here; showing up and announcing without any, for lack of a better word, pre planning is not advisable.

[JulieC]

Jillcder and Danni both....

I know there are times (even all the time) that we'd like the ones we hold most close to be fully aware of all aspects of us, and love us for all of our entire selves. But, that's exceptionally rare even if you didn't have the crossdressing component of you. The vast majority of people you interact with do not know everything about you. Remove CDing from it. How many coworkers know everything? Do any friends know everything about you? Family members? In many cases not even spouses know everything about their spouse (which I find sad). We each present a particular facade of ourselves to a particular person depending on a number of factors. These facades aren't "wrong", they're just incomplete.

I don't think it a troubling thought that friends don't know you crossdressing. It's perfectly normal.

Among all the people who I think of as knowing me well (friends, family, coworkers, etc.) there are only two people who know me completely, including CDing. They are my wife and a very dear friend of mine whom I used to date many years ago and with whom (with wife's approval and support) I remain exceptionally close. I informed my friend about my crossdressing some years ago. She was confused by all of it, not least because she didn't understand why I was telling her now and why I didn't tell her when we were dating those many, many years ago.

Danni, I think your friends might ask the same question; why now? You say you want to be yourself with them. But, you are being yourself...you just haven't presented this aspect of yourself to them. Do you need them to know everything about you? What drives this beyond wanting them to know? Are you prepared for the possibility you lose on or more of them as friends? Of the possibility that it breaks up the group of friends? I'm not saying it's likely (you've said it isn't), but it's something to consider. That said, don't be a prisoner of your fears. To quote something many times quoted by people throughout history; "I've lived through a great many terrible things in my life...most of which never happened."

[NonbiNancy]

Hi Danni,

I'll just share my experience. Over the course of a year, I came out to my family and all my closest and dearest friends (some since high school) one by one and it has gone very well. And, as has been shared here, everyone had a different reaction. Some are totally excited about it and see how happy I am as Nancy. One female friend even shared that she's turned on a bit by Nancy. :-) Some are accepting and kind but still struggle with it, because the person they "knew" turned out to not be the person they knew. For me, the one on one conversations were so wonderful. I got so many excellent questions. My favorite comment was from a dear male friend that simply said, "Shine on you crazy diamond!"

[Krea]

Danni, after giving this much thought, it's difficult to offer you advice because only you know your friends.
Just for comparison, i went for the "easier" way by coming-out remotely on social media. I used my account privacy to divide it up into three groups, who do not know each other, over several months: colleagues, friends & relatives. There was less "in-the-moment" pressure on me and them. Some have been amazing. Others have been notable by their lack of response, but there haven't been any awkward face-to-face moments.
Whatever you decide, i hope it goes well and they turn out to be truly accepting friends. Best wishes.

[danniUK]

First of all, thank you for all the replies! Definitely a lot to think about.

I guess I hadn't really seen it as a "ta da" moment, but on reflection that's exactly what it would have been.
Though I'm not saying that that would necissarily be the wrong thing to do, the dynamics of my friends group being the way they are.

There were a lot of suugestions that I talk to each friend individually first. While this'd probably be the ideal aproch, it's really hard to get 1-on-1 time with them; either we meet up for family get-togethers or at group meets like the upcoming one in April, and there's never the privacy nor time that'd be required in private to have this kind of conversation. The alternative would be a phone/zoom call, but I think this is the kind of conversation that definitely needs to be had in person. Geography means it's just not possible to have a quick impromptu meet with any of them.

Helen mentioned the position that I'd be putting my friends in, while we're in a hotel surrounded by strangers. I'd genuinely never considered this, and it's a really good point. I'd only been thinking about my friends' reactions and not those around us. To be honest I imagine the worst would be that I'd get some funny looks, but you really never know, do you?

One question that came up was: "Why now?"
The truth is it's take a loooong time for me to reach this point, years and years of feeling "I'm a wierdo" and should only dress up in private, but I want to be myself with my closest friends and being dressed is (I'm finally ready to admit) part of me. So the answer to "Why now?" is simply "Because I'm finally ready."

I think the best (for me) suggestion was:

My opinion (not from experience but from putting myself in other peoples' shoes) is this: Go ahead and talk to your best friends about this as you've planned, but be prepared to shelve the topic if their reactions are too negative. Then leave it alone, dress normal for dinner and don't bring it up again until they do. Who knows, they might want to see you dolled up later during drinks, or they might not want to have anything to do with it. But I definitely wouldn't "ta da" for dinner.

I'll start a conversation on the subject and see where it goes. I might watch the comedy routine that my one friend had seen about trans issues so I can start with "Hey, I saw that show..." No expectations of where it'll lead and once I've started the conversation I'll let them carry it further (or leave it). I defintely won't plan to dress for dinner but will take a few clothes and some makeup incase, like you say, they might be interested and at a more private point I can maybe just wear some eye makeup or something.

I honestly don't think any of these 3 will reject me over this. We've know each other for 35-40 years (depending on which friend we're talking about) and I honestly beleive I know them well enough. They're real friends.
You know that saying, right? A friend helps you move. A real friend helps you move a body.
There's been no bodies, but we're at that level - there's nothing any of them could tell or do that would break my friendship with them, and I think it reciprocal.
Plus I know there's not a biggotted bone in any of their bodies. The one friend I mentioned who "didn't get it" about trans people is the most accepting person you'd ever meet.

So - there's "a time and a place", and as it turns out there's a "way" for these things too! Thanks again so much for all the comments and suggestions. I'll definitely not be doing a "ta da", and I'll definitely report back with what happened at the end of April.


Oh - one last thing: I went to the shops dressed up this week - though it was jeans rather than a skirt/dress, but it was from head to toe. I still don't have feminine hair (it's currently growing) and refuse to wear a wig, but I wore lippy, eye liner and mascara and I did my eyebrows! To be honest I was mostly covered by my coat, but it was a big step and it felt amazing!

[Sherry Ann Evans]

I agree with what Sandi wrote: if you only dress in private, then what's the point of coming out? And if you want to dress in public, then do that first and get some experience, before telling your friends.

[Fiona_44]

Danni,

First of all, congrats on getting out to the shops dressed.

Second, as I wrote in my previous post, no one knows your friends better than you do. After reading both of your posts and getting a sense of what kind of people your friends are, I think everything will go well.

All the best,

Fiona