Anyone transgender been able to rein it into just crossdressing?

[Samantha51]

Hi. It's been ages since I've been here as I've been exploring my gender and I'm confident I'm transgender. Being confident doesn't man I'm happy though. I've almost given up fighting it by looking for reasons that I'm not. If I'm trans then the only solution I've found is transition. Is crossdressing enough? It doesn't feel enough.

Has anyone realised they're transgender but found a way to stop entirely or just scratch the itch with crossdressing? I'm seeing a gender counsellor every week and journaling and I now have money to buy clothes and start HRT if I want.

I'm keen to start HRT, it feels right, but I risk losing so much. I'm pretty scared TBH.

My wife loves me and we'd probably stay friends but we'd probably not stay together. I've intellectually accepted this may happen, but the emotional reality is something else that I can't foresee.

Maybe one of the sober voices here can open my eyes before it's too late? I've had a lot of support on reddit trans subs but an alternative voice would be good.

Many thanks,
Samantha x

[Sandi Beech]

It is complicated for many of us. We are so varied, I do not know that any of us can say what is right for you.

I suspect many of us have pondered this question. If I am not tran, why am I so driven to crossdress. Certainly some of us would be happier to transition, but like you mentioned at what cost.

I know someone who MTF transitioned and lost her job, ended up divorced, and other family members would not speak with her for many years. She told me she did not have a choice. Are you at that level? Only you can know.

My dad once told me sometimes you have to settle for half a loaf. That is what it is for me I think. Not Tran, but somewhere in between and I have to be happy with what I do have.

Sandi

[Kris Burton]

As for me, I know I have received much psychological benefit from crossdressing alone, but I am also quite sure I am not transgender. You clearly have strong inclinations in that direction so it is not surprising to find that it is not enough for you. An issue of such complexity and personal importance can really only be decided by you. You are already seeing a gender counselor and that is good. I believe that is right before you embark on HRT and your journey into transition.

[Maid_Marion]

What do you mean by transition?

I have a feminine voice, walk, and mannerisms. As well as a petite hourglass figure with long hair that reaches the middle of my back.

But, I have yet to start HRT. I'm now retired though I transistioned on the job to wearing female clothes, shoes, and nail polish.
The GGs started wearing really casual clothes to work so they put in a dress code. I started wearing skirts allowed by the dress code!

Most MTFs report a loss in strength and height when going on HRT.

Marion

[MarinaTwelve200]

I personally think that Cross-dressing people who IDENTIFY with the opposite gender are actually transgender. Indeed it's a definition of transsexuality. And they would , logically have a tendency to cross-dress. A "Crossdresser/Transvestite does NOT identify with the opposite gender.

[Britney Summers]

I don't know what you say during gender counseling, I use it as an opportunity to see if I am comfortable saying things a female would say, I am slightly uncomfortable, but at least its much less now then previously. I also find myself in that rut some times in trying to pull it back to crossdressing, I have been unsuccessful so far, she wants more and I can't do that right now, I am limited. I won't take hrt due to health concerns.
This is some thing you have to decide on your own whats right for you.

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

I did my best from the 60s up to 2020. It was pretty quick after starting HRT that the regret over all that waiting kicked in.

[Karren H]

Not me but have been following Girl time with Paola on YouTube and her on and off transition situation. She has some good content on transitioning and De-transitioning though she did go silent about 11 months ago.

[Brianne_M]

One thing I have realized is that even though I came out to a very select few as transgender many months ago, transitioning is not a requirement. I still mostly look male, but try to have a feminine look. I wear clothing that suits me and my ideals. I have yet to start HRT, and surgery is something very far away. Everyone has their goals, but also their own path and capabilities. I'm working on my appearance with what I have naturally, and eventually will start hormone treatment. Some days the desire to progress is strong, other days it's not there. Only you know what needs to be done for you to feel whole. If it makes you feel happy, then that's the right thing to do.

[GretchenM]

The usual definition of transgender is so broad that it basically says that if you self identify with the gender identity of those of the opposite sex even once in awhile then you are transgender - period. This generality can be a problem but it is really about the only definition that is very workable. Essentially if you dress as a member of the opposite sex the question becomes, "Why would you do that if you do not identify with that gender expression at some level?"

It is not a shameful thing to be like a member of the opposite sex; in fact it is refreshing to see a male that can be feminine when the situation is appropriate. But is that transgender or not? Hard to say for sure as identity and a need or desire to express are so intricately linked in complex ways, some of which are not even conscious. Not everyone who is transgender has a deep, burning desire to transition to something akin to the opposite sex. So I tend to agree with Marina that transgender is more generalized than the old term of transexual. Many CD'rs are trans whether they admit or not. It is now well known that everyone has some of the behavior traits of the opposite sex - pure masculine or feminine really does not exist and it is a bit of a distortion of the truth to think they are unique.

I know I am mildly transgender and at one time I explored transition and finally decided it was not for me and did not fit my total identity. But I can just as easily identify as female/feminine as I can male/masculine. Most people can't do that comfortably. If you are comfortable in the feminine mode then you are likely to fall in the transgender category and THAT IS FINE. It is not wise to deny the deeply fundamental you that drives you to behave in certain ways, even just occasionally. If you are going to deny something then perhaps you should deny the existence of a gender binary, at least in yourself. In a lot of ways men and women are more alike than different in terms of gender behavior, but when you put sex into the equation things get garbled. That is the case probably because sex and gender are very different creatures functionally and when mixed into the same category they are like oil and water - they don't really mix well.

Before you transition be sure you really are behaviorally far more female-like than male-like. And I am not talking about how you dress but what exists deep in your mind. It is entirely possible to be happy as a transgender person without transitioning, even if the "other" expression is only occasional. Think in terms of continua or spectra instead of distinct sex/gender categories that really don't exist as distinct categories but blend into each other in unique and often beautiful ways to produce a really unique and special type of person.

[Samantha51]

Thank you for all your comments.

I know that only I can decide and TBH I've nearly exhausted my resistance, hence asking if anyone can manage it. I feel like trialling HRT at the very least, for a month or so. Plenty of people do trial it even if it's officially frowned upon. I am confident that my depression and general malaise is rooted in repressing this from my teens - hence trialling HRT to see if it's a figment of my imagination. I have tried many things in the past.

TBH it no longer feels ridiculous me being trans. Why do I think I am trans (I know no single thing proves it)?
1. Euphoria when I see myself dressed (not always)
2. A quiet voice saying "you're a woman" when I stripped away all the female clothing, mannerisms and behaviours and asked myself "why".
3. I enjoy the comfort of wearing a bra - most days - it's like a hug. That could just be lack of mothering.
4. I am enjoying wearing a blouse in private. OK, just CD.
5. A yearning to start HRT.
6. I like feeling my boobs (just pecs and fat!) through my bra - there's a surge of relaxation and calm. I know cis women don't go fondling themselves!
7. Other things like loving women's clothes, wanting to look like women, wanting to walk down the street arm in arm with other women, wanting to be in women's company, disliking toxic men.

With all that I still say "yes I could be trans, but..."

If I accept I am trans then I either need to transition or control it somehow with CD but I have only heard of transition working.

I do wish I wasn't trans, and that I hadn't opened the door with CD, but it was probably inevitable as I was utterly exhausted, suffering poor sleep and depression so wasn't working. I think I can't repress it any longer.

[Genifer Teal]

Everyone is different. I'm not sure where you draw your line. For me I never felt my gender was wrong just that given the choice I'd chose female. I don't have to transition I just really want to. After carefully analyzing both sides (transitioning or not) I decided being somewhere in the middle was working well enough. Transitioning would present new issues and likely help solve others. Someone who transitioned gave me some advice to not transition unless there was no other choice. For this reason and others I decided not to. For the past 20 years it's been a good ride. I still think transitioning is in my future.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Not me but have been following Girl time with Paola on YouTube and her on and off transition situation. She has some good content on transitioning and De-transitioning though she did go silent about 11 months ago.

I think she is back if you haven't checked in a while.

[Samantha51]

I'm feeling a lot of internal pressure right now, she's waiting to come out. The other factor was the famous "red button" test - I would press it and be a woman without much thought. I now feel I should have been a woman. Of course I am probably over glamourising being a woman and it would be very tough with all the sexism, let alone trans-phobia.

I don't want to delay transition if I am trans - HRT has diminishing returns the older we get, and I think I want to live as a woman. I don't know about surgery but I won't say never, which I did a few months ago...

My bubble may burst at any moment - just put me in an all male grouping - like my choir's men's practice this evening. But that is just the shame of being TG (or CD) and nothing to do with the truth of the matter.

I liked Girl Time with Paola - it was a shame she was detransitioning - I suspect her marriage was struggling - I shall have to look again.

[kimdl93]

Being transgender is, as Gretchen and others have said, a very big umbrella term. And of course, only you can ultimately decide where you might belong under that umbrella.

That being said, I do have a concern. A person suffering from symptoms of depression can be susceptible to addictive behaviors, particularly those that evoke positive sensations. To that end, crossdressing may for some people be comparable to the dopamine reward the brain may receive from any variety of compulsive or addictive behaviors and certain substances, whether its food, sex, gambling or heroin. And its easy for the mind to persuade itself that positive feeling from cross dressing is itself a proof of gender identity.

My caution is that if you are prone to depression, try very hard to resolve the condition before reaching conclusions about your gender identity. Certainly, its possible that you may in fact be transgender, and repressing your gender identity may be depressing. But avoid jumping to any conclusions.

[Debbie Denier]

Samantha, I would not be too hasty in making such a big decision. Particularly transitioning. I decided many years ago it was not for me and CD is the best of both worlds. I saw a documentary many years ago called A Change of Sex. It documented the story of Julia Grant from the late 70s through the 80s and beyond.Her life was a struggle and lonely at times. I think it might still be available on the BBC i player in the UK. Well worth a watch. Way up the pros, cons and more importantly the consequences for your loved ones and family as well as yourself .

[Samantha51]

Hi Kim,

You are right that it's a big umbrella. You are also right that depression could cause those feel-good sensations. Or, as you also say, the repression is causing the depression - which is what I believe having looked at this carefully for months now. Without a doubt I have repressed a lot. This depression or low mood has followed me throughout most of my adult life since the teen CD/trans period.

Starting HRT is a good idea I think - if my mood improves within (say) three months then that's a slam-dunk to me, but if my mood doesn't improve then it's likely something else. I've read enough that cis man + estrogen causes dysphoria, but trans woman + estrogen reduces dysphoria, etc.

I shall continue counselling now and throughout any trial (which will take some time to arrange here in the UK). I shall also be experimenting being dressed en-femme in safer spaces. Journalling, etc.

Thank you for your concerns, honestly appreciated x

[kimdl93]

Samantha, I could have been more succinct. Ultimately, beware of the placebo effect.

[char GG]

I cannot to relate to your feelings of depression and gender dysphoria. However, just a couple of thoughts.

As I remember correctly, you were looking for a job. Since you now have more money to spend, I assume that you found a job. You mention that your wife loves you, but you probably won't stay together. If that is the case, do you think the reason is your difficult state of mind related to your gender? (I don't know you or your wife, so I am just speculating here.)

I will just make this suggestion as an outsider who doesn't know you. Please take it in the spirit of trying to get you to see another perspective. Perhaps try to stay off of social media (such as reddit trans sites), and any other sites that sing the praises of transitioning for now. Until you get a clear picture of how you really feel without outside influences, I would suspect that HRT is a step too far until you know for sure.

If you have a job, throw your mental resources into being a good employee and try to quiet the voice in your head that says you are trans and see how it plays out. If you are truly trans, that voice will most likely still be there after a period of down time. If the voice quiets, then you will know that you are patterning yourself to think a certain way.

I am by no means an expert. However, my granddaughter thinks she is FtM trans. Her parents can't discount the constant barrage of internet confirmation she is receiving telling her that if she thinks she's trans, she IS trans. They don't buy it. According to their resources, it is possible that she is gay but not trans. Time will tell.

Anyway, I digress. Give it some time. Don't jump into anything. Weigh the risks vs the benefits. I wish you all the best.

[Di]

Only you can make the decision and glad you are seeing someone to help you.
On the other sites with them encouraging you?.are they aware in only two months ago you were freaked out about you possibly being a crossdresser ?
Slow down , I get you do not want to wait till older but you do not know yourself ?.most have lived this life for sometime ??decades even.Take your time .
I only say this because zero to 1,000 in mere months worrys me.
Nov you joined going to wear your first panties
End of Nov you want someone here to say you are not a CD but normal
Dec you think you are non binary
Now you are talking transitioning.
All this in a few months .

If in time with self reflection and a therapist who has expertise gender identity?.you will figure it out.
Please slow down , be honest with your therapist

Also it is not a given you will separate?.we have more GGs here that stay married than leave .
That also will be sorted out in time.
TIME
That?s the key

[Dutchess]

I'm around those reddit transgender forums a lot and those places are very down on your personal problems being anything but transgender.

I mean over there it's like you put on a pair of panties or a skirt and you better get to transitioning by 4:00 p.m. and get rid of your entire family cuz they don't matter anyway. I've been haunting those reddit forms for a few years now.Because of what happened to me , with both my husband that I lost to this and my fiance that I lost to this also . I like to see what their attitude is

You can talk yourself into it if you try hard enough and if you read enough reddit forms that's for sure, I know because my late fiance did it to himself.

He had the same emotional problems as you did and then of course when he started down the TG road to try to do this he lost his job which made it worse.He was also a victim pf multiple sexual assaults by neighborhood pervert when he was a teenager But the gender therapist totally ignored that. Just get them on that HRT and get them transitioned you know That's their attitude.
I'm pretty vocal about my dislike of gender therapists though because this one's advice directly killed my fiance, i don't like being so sour about it but i dealt with this one for years with my fiance and I just don't have a good view of them at all. I feel like they take advantage of guys like you all and you know you give them your money and they tell you what you want to hear. In the end transitioning didn't help him. He was still him with all the same problems only in women's clothes that's the only difference . You couldn't tell him that though They would make him very angry if I tried to ..... He was just convinced he was a girl ... And that transitioning was just the answer to all of his problems but he really wasn't . He was just a beautiful sort of effeminate man with a lot of emotional problems from a very rough life. I think my best counselor ever in dealing with this and the aftermath of it too was my grief counselor she told me the truth and not what I wanted to hear.

I know for a fact several years down the road now my ex husband does have regrets about this. He can go back to wearing male clothing and he hadn't done too much to himself that he's not just going to look like a weird man. But the collateral damage all around him is so bad that he'll never get back to where he was.
I don't want him in my life anymore and neither does our daughter because the way he handled things and the way he behaved. Now he's sorry, he sees you know, that he has other problems ( sex addiction /porn problems , neurodivergent etc etc etc etc besides that ) many people here have those same problems but they won't admit it .

You have to really take a lot of honest reflection for yourself that's all I can say, but I wouldn't get all involved with those reddit forms . Not at all, that's got to be one of the most genetic female unfriendly areas I believe I've ever seen in my entire life.

[JulieC]

Samantha, please always understand that what I (and I'm sure everyone here) say is meant with caring and support. With great respect...

being on HRT making you feel better isn't a slam dunk at all. I strongly encourage you to take your gender counselor's advice on this. Be utterly open with your counselor, in every respect. Making a decision to transition based off a few months of HRT and how it feels would, I think, be a serious mistake.

You mentioned 7 things that support your idea that you're trans. You may very well be trans. None of us can figure that out for you. I would like to note that while I consider myself on the transgender spectrum, I don't consider myself to be a woman. I also don't exactly consider myself to be a man. I'm somewhere in-between, and probably closer to man than woman. Also of note for this; I've been dressing full time at home for the last see weeks now, fully dressed occasionally outside of home, and underdressed about 50% of the time when away from home. This includes sleeping dressed (usually a nightgown, pantyhose, bra, forms). Clothing wise, I'm effectively living as a woman full time at home. With that said, I note my own responses to your 7:

1. I get feelings of euphoria at times when I see/feel myself dressed. This happened just the other night when I found a full slip I thought I'd accidentally donated, and didn't have anymore. I put it on and *bam* there was the feeling.
2. I don't get a quiet voice saying "you're a woman", but I do get an inner sense of affirmation when I put on women's clothes.
3. I love wearing bras (I started a thread about this last year), and enjoy the comforting tightness.
4. I enjoying blouses and all manner of women's more feminine attire. I don't respond to women's pants, jeans, leggings, etc. For me, it needs to be more feminine.
5. I don't have any yearning to start HRT, but I would enjoy having breasts.
6. I enjoy feeling my chest in a bra; my wife noted this too. I enjoy doing that too when I'm wearing forms, but I do it without forms too. When I do, I wish I had my own real breasts.
7. I love women's clothes too, and wanting to present as a woman. I enjoy women's company faaaarrr more than men's company, and I don't think anyone (well almost anyone) likes toxi men.

I agree with Char; get off Reddit or other social media outlets about this until you get a better handle on yourself through counseling, introspection, and sorting your life out. You're under a lot of pressure right now (I base that on other posts you've made).

I agree with Debbie too about the potential struggles. I think you need to consider the negative consequences of transitioning. For example; I know you've been having a hard time finding a job. If you transition, it's going to become a lot harder. Unfortunately, there's still a LOT of hate in the world. People out and about in public might not care enough about you presenting as a woman, but in a job there's a strong chance of negative consequences either to be hired or, if hired, retaining your job. That's just one potential negative impact. There are many others including, as Debbie noted, being very lonely. I don't say this to dissuade you, but rather than you need to consider these negative consequences as part of your decision process.

Short form; don't act rashly. There's no race here. HRT may be more effective the younger you are, but a couple of years isn't going to undermine your ability to move towards transition. In one post above you noted that just a few months ago you said "never" to surgery. Now you're saying "possibly". If you went on HRT now, and through surgery three months from now, you'd very likely regret it. Two months ago you noted being underdressed and in public and feeling a bit ridiculous. Now, you're fairly certain your trans. That's too fast, in my opinion. You noted just three months ago that being full on CDing is new to you. Again, to get to being near certain you're trans in three months is fast. Patience, even if hard, is a virtue here.

I'm curious (not critical!!!!); have you been out in public fully dressed en femme?

[Genifer Teal]

Do you hate being a man or hate having your male parts? I think there is a big difference between the two. Sometimes solving one problem only does that, solves one problem and all the others still exist. Someone told me about their depressed son who transitioned. Now they have a depressed daughter. I never fully appreciated the dysphoria because I don't really have it. Now I have a friend going through it. I understand it better now seeing it first hand. For me, losing some parts is not a big deal to me either way. That suggests I be ok with it but I still question is that enough? Ask your self some serious questions. Only you know how you really feel inside. If you are jumping to the conclusion that things will be better when you are a girl, you might be living a fantasy. I hope you make a clear well thought out decision while you are awake.

[Samantha51]

I don't hate being a man or hate my male parts. I don't feel dysphoria. For me it's a positive desire to be a woman. Odd to say the least. It's called gender incongruence for me, not dysphoria. I dislike my body hair, etc but that's no biggie.

I should have added to my list that I wish I'd been born a woman. This has been hidden since I repressed it (I don't remember the details) as a teen. I woke up one day and accepted I'm a man. I didn't know then (90's) about any of this and I was living in a conservative home where I had to hide such thoughts. I've had low level depression and general "meh" since. Psychoanalysis for years (gender issues never came up, I'd buried them so deep) didn't fix my mood. Antidepressants, TRT, exercise, thyroid optimization (it was removed 20 years ago), diet, positive mental attitude, etc

[SaraLin]

Me.

I've always known that I was supposed to have been born a girl, but wasn't.
It's been a struggle for my whole life - trying to "fit in and be normal" while battling the dysphoria.

I stopped pursuing transition years ago, because:

My body is male beyond hormones' ability to fix.
A look in the mirror one day showed me that truth.

The male life I've constructed is a good one and there's so much I'd lose.
My level of "need" isn't high enough to toss it all aside.

I have an SO that would be devastated if I were to "switch."
I love her too much to do that to her.

I'm an "acceptance junkie." and if I failed to blend completely, it would crush me.
Giggles and hostile glares are daggers to my soul.

So - I limit myself to what little feminine expression doesn't upset my wife. (panties, nighties [not "too girly"], no other visible cues allowed).
Do I long for more? Absolutely! But I survive, living my otherwise good life.

All that said - only YOU can decide what you need, and what's best for you in your situation.
I wish you well Hon, whatever you do.


After writing the above, I read some more of your writings and now I want to talk about a bit more.
Your list of reasons for thinking you might be trans are troubling to me, so let's look at them.

1. Euphoria when I see myself dressed (not always)
Look closely at this. Why euphoria? Why not a "finally, this is what's right" sense of relief? Be sure it's not just about "the look" - which could be CD.

2. A quiet voice saying "you're a woman" when I stripped away all the female clothing, mannerisms and behaviours and asked myself "why".
Now, this one I can't and won't argue against. An inner knowing is just that - a knowing. Just be sure it's your voice in your head, not someone elses.

3. I enjoy the comfort of wearing a bra - most days - it's like a hug. That could just be lack of mothering.
Sorry, but this sounds more CD than T*.
There's an old joke that goes "a CD can't wait to get home and put on her bra. A Trans woman can't wait to get home and take off her bra."

4. I am enjoying wearing a blouse in private. OK, just CD.
You said it this time, not me.

5. A yearning to start HRT.
OK - but why? What do you expect to get from it? Have you weighed the pros AND the cons? This is where the counsellors come into play and I'll bow out and not say anything more

6. I like feeling my boobs (just pecs and fat!) through my bra - there's a surge of relaxation and calm. I know cis women don't go fondling themselves!
Again - this sounds more like CD than trans. Bras are (to women) primarily a "necessary evil" and not a big deal.

7. Other things like loving women's clothes, wanting to look like women, wanting to walk down the street arm in arm with other women, wanting to be in women's company, disliking toxic men.
About the only trans indication in this list it the phrase "other women", but even here it seems like it's based on a skewed vision of what women really do. I've only seen women walking arm in arm in commercials (or if they're intoxicated).

So - let's see...
four out of the seven reasons sound more like CD,
two that need some serious looking at (#2 and #5),
and number seven, which is a mixed bag.

I'd suggest that you step back, take a deep breath, and examine what you really need to do.

[ReallyLauren]

I've been able to keep it to crossdressing for a very long time. More recently however, I have developed a much stronger desire to exist in society as a woman and be in relationships as a woman. Coincident with this, my dysphoria for my body has gone off the scale and I want to have breasts, hips, thighs and all the other physical features that would allow me to see a woman when I look in the mirror. Considering all of this, I have concluded that I am absolutely trans. I want to at least start low dose HRT to see how it makes me feel and to see how I tolerate it. The issue though is that I have experienced health issues which could make HRT risky. This adds a whole different dimension to the problem. So in the meantime, while I assess the risks of HRT and my willingness to accept the risks, I am working out to reshape my body. I am also dressing more and integrating it into my daily life which in reality constitutes a social transition. This all makes me feel better but I still do want at least some of the elements of a medical transition. I don't know if I will ever get to where I want but at least I am taking some positive steps.