Played the honest card

[Maria 60]

Yesterday I spent the day with my wife clothes shopping because of all the winter clothes clearances. When we were leaving she thanked me for the wonderful day together and how much she appreciates having me as a friend to go shopping with. I must admit I have become more comfortable in stores to a point of asking each other if the other likes something or will it suit me, I guess girl talk.
We get in the car and then she asked me what would have happened if she didn't accept my situation when I told her. This is a little of a red flag for me because I could lie and tell her what she wants to hear or tell her the truth and maybe discourage her and loose some ground.
I started by apologizing for not being honest and that I threw all my fem stuff out a week before we got married but then a few weeks into our marriage and I put on her pantyhose that morning was the day I realized its power and that wasn't fair to her and was the day I knew I had to come clean.
Being careful of my words I told her if she was going to be totally unaccepted I don't think things would have went well for us and stating she sees the power it has over me.
She instantly asked me that I was going to choose the dressing over her, oh boy I'm starting to drown.
I told her if she wasn't going to try to make any effort after I spilled my whole life struggle and make no attempt even to a point of she didn't want to see it then she wasn't being fair either and I believe things weren't going to end well. I told her there had to be a happy medium and that I never would have imagined it would have got to this point of fully dressing, I was only into slips and pantyhose at that time and that she bought me my first bra a skirt. The red flag came down when she told me she was happy she made the decision to give it a chance because she would have regretted it and missed a life of our beautiful children and grandchildren and having a best friend.
At this point I was very emotional and happy that nothing negative came out of this but I choose the honest card and when playing cards you just don't know what the other person holding. I believe I took a safe and honest approach and it did work out. I wanted to share the pressure we have when it comes to this situation how I'm so scared to push to many buttons and not wake up any breast. Just another day in this crazy life.

[Stephanie47]

Happy the "honest card" worked out for you and your wife. Unfortunately, there are too many stories on this site and others of a marriage dissolving at the mere mentioning a husband is a cross-dresser.

[bridget thronton]

You and your wife have a great relationship - I think your honesty and her love for you made it strong.

[Maria 60]

Yes Stephanie it is very sad when we read those post. When I first joined here and being so uneducated at that time because my wife was so excepting I just thought every wife felt the same. I was totally in shock and started not taking my wife for granted when I realized not all women were accepting. That's why I wrote this on how fast a great day together and maybe a wrong word being said could have thrown everything bad.
We must be one step ahead of the game at all times and think twice before we answer or make a comment.

[Gillian Gigs]

There have been many times I have gone shopping with the wife. Then once she is finished, I make a request to pick up something also. I then get her best help possible. Why, maybe because I made sure that she was first? It is always great fun when we can both go into a store and both walk out pleased with something for the both of us. That is a true win-win situation.

[Cheryl T]

Glad being honest worked for you.
It doesn't work for all too many of us. I too was one of the lucky ones.
She "discovered" me a long time ago. It was the wrong time for us and even though I was honest I knew I had to return to the closet to keep our marriage. Then about 20 years ago I couldn't handle the secrecy and lying anymore and I came clean. I had made the decision the this was so much a part of me that it either had to be part of us, or there could be no us. In the time since her discovery our love had grown, we knew each other better and what we wanted together. She was willing to talk, learn, try to understand and see what happened. As I approached her I said, "We have a problem". Well, we worked out that problem and now things are even better in our marriage.
As for your shopping adventure, we do that all the time whether I'm dressed at the time or not. We shop like two women all the time. Always discussing the fashions, the home decoration or kitchen items. We are more open than ever and it's as natural to discuss panties and bras in the store as it is to discuss a microwave.

[DianeT]

The Great Dictionary for Crossdressers (extract):
girl | BrE gail, AmE gerl |
noun
Futile being mainly interested in discussing fashion, makeup, cooking, decorating homes, and lingerie.
girl talk: discussions revolving solely about aforementioned topics.

(Printed in 1950. All rights reserved)

[VanessaV]

"Had to come clean" is the key word & the hones approach is a must! I had a similar situation, also threw all my fem stuff when I got married to my current wife and only kept the thing I could not get rid off in one of my tool box. I occasionally wore some of her lingerie but not often since she is size way smaller size than myself. Five years later, I had to come clean and gave her the news... it was not a good reaction, her replied was: "women clothes were created for women, I wear a bra because I have breasts!" Two weeks later she bought my first bra, fit perfectly and is my favorite up to this day! Now days is good shopping, girl talk best friends! Just another day in paradise!

[Aka_Donna]

Glad it went well but don't think it's the honest vibe but more the intimate sharing that did it. Words matter, but feelings shared are often trump card

[DAVIDA]

I'm on the side of always being honest.
I told Jean when we started dating, that if she didn't want to know the truth, then don't ask.
I did tell her about me before we were married because I couldn't Not tell.
She had to be the one to decide if this life was for her or not.
It was the hardest, scariest thing I had ever done.
Lucky for me, I hit the jackpot for my honesty.
She is the one who got me to understand that I'm not an aberration.
I am in no way trying to call out those who did not.
That choice is up to the individual to decide for themselves.

[Genifer Teal]

The part where you got rid of everything and gave it up for marriage sounds all too common as does the realization that it doesn't go away. I wish everyone here could know how hard that is BEFORE marriage. It could save a lot of trouble down the road.
What I've learned from TV sexologists over the years has taught me how the brain imprints during arousal. It it understandable important for the survival of a species to make more. As humans we remember what we enjoy during those moments of excitement and program ourselves to want more of that same exact thing. Apparently this programming can be changed (I have no real information on this). I would guess it's not easy once you know something excites you, that's what you want again and again.
I'm guessing many of us formed some kind of bond with an idea or maybe with an article of clothing at an early age. That bond is very hard to break. It was designed to be that way so we would continue to reproduce. Since reproduction is paramount to preservation of a species that bond is very difficult to break.
So you could say it is and isn't our fault we can't give it up. I love to hear from anyone who may have found a way to modify this learned behavioral preference.

[Philipa Jane]

Honesty.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
We put so much trust in our partners; hoping that we can live with the lie that we all have. Always hoping that we will never get found out but secretly wishing we had the nerve to come clean.
When you tell the truth or get found out it is often taken as deceit. Not many partners can see the struggle that we have lived with or the damage it does to mental health living a double life.
If only my wife could have related to me the way all of the ladies do that I have met since I transitioned.
I still find it troublesome that spouses cannot see the person that they have lived with and loved all of those years. When we come out we don't suddenly become a different person; if anything we may be a better version of ourselves.
Perhaps I am oversimplifying things. I'm sure someone will let me know if I am. LOL.

[docrobbysherry]

I may have missed it in your subtleties, Maria. But, your post is entitled: "Playing the honesty card".

So, she asked u if u would have chosen crossdressing over her? Speaking honestly, was your answer yes or no?

[Genifer Teal]

That's an ultimatum that wouldn't end well with any addiction. You know the best answer but could you do it?

[Melani65]

When I finally opened up to my X, in 2008. We had been together since 1995. She started out being very supportive. She even bought me a few things, mostly lingerie. In retrospect, she thought my dressing was more of a fetish. She soon found out, I was more into fully dressing, ie dresses, skirts, tops, makeup, wigs, etc. She quickly soured and just didn't understand how or why I felt what I felt. Once Melani was out of the bottle I couldn't put her back. We eventually broke up. However, we were having normal marital issues long before I came clean. Our marriage didn't end because I was CD/TG, but it didn't help. She never held it against me and we remained friends and worked well together co-parenting our kids into adulthood. I have no regrets. Maria I'm happy things worked out.

[alwayshave]

Maria, That is a lovely story. You have a great wife.

[JulieC]

Maria, you have a phenomenal wife! I know you don't take it for granted now, but you really do

The idea of "choose the dressing over her" is a very unfair question. I know your wife didn't intend it as such, but it is. Insert any other characteristic of you that you can not change and read it again. "Choosing<having brown eyes> over her", "Choosing <having two feet> over her", "Choosing <having lungs> over her". It obviously just doesn't work. For me, I 100% recognize that crossdressing is part of me that is never going to change. It's been part of me all along, and some of my earliest memories are wrapped up in crossdressing. I've tried lord how many times to repress it, make it go away, and act like it isn't me. I've been actively repulsed by the image I see of me when crossdressed and seriously question my sanity and what the hell I'm doing, leading to going back to male mode. Yet, it's always there, always part of me.

Before I met my wife, I finally got to a point of self acceptance (a never ending journey) where I decided to never accept a woman who didn't accept me crossdressing. I would give it a couple of months, then tell her about my crossdressing. If she didn't accept, I was breaking it off. I would have rather spent the rest of my life alone than live a lie, live in secrecy. I wasn't going to do it. I told my now wife a couple of months in, and two days later she bought me pantyhose. There was a bad patch a few years after we married, but we figured it out. Over the last few months, we've been temporary empty nesters, and I've spent about 90% of the time at home crossdressed (mostly fully). This doesn't bother her. She treats me the same as when I'm not crossdressed, though she does occasionally make a playful jibe about most women not feeling their husband's breasts in a bra pressing up against their own breasts, or that her breasts are real (neener neener), etc.

[rachelatshop]

Thank you all for your wonderful replies. It is so helpful to hear other married cross dressers talking about supportive partners. The key word here is Partner, as that truly is what my wife is to me and I try to be to her. Thanks to all of you again. You have just reinforced how I feel

[mbmeen12]

You did the right thing, I too "confessed" laid it on the table because she appreciated the honesty. It was also needed for me.

[Myra Thomas]

Similar situation to me in that when I first confessed to my wife that I crossdressed she was supportive to a degree and I tried my best not to push things, so much so that birthday and Christmas presents always included some female items of clothing and jewellery. However on one occasion when we were discussing my crossdressing, she asked me did I wish I had been born a girl, to which i immediately replied YES!! Nothing more was said after that, and unfortunate I am now firmly back in the closet �� Oh well.

[countrygirl]

Honesty is the best policy. When I have dated a guy I have told them. I don't want to have it be discovered 30 years later and then be asked why didn't you tell me. Being upfront is best. Some may not understand or accept but for.me this is who I am and that will not change.

[sometimes_miss]

The day that my wife found a slip that I had left out, I had two choices and had to decide in the next 5 seconds which way to go. She thought that I was having an affair. I chose honesty, and told her all about my life and why I'm a crossdresser.
At that point, I didn't understand that there are millions of marriages which survive an incident of infidelity. I didn't understand that finding out that their husband isn't the all male, masculine man that she thinks she married, can easily kill any attraction that she could feel for him. I truly thought that honesty was the best policy. And it doomed my marriage. Perhaps I could have hidden or suppressed my desire to crossdress from then on (many men have had to do that). I will never know. I chose wrong. I'm not saying that is the correct choice for others, but for me, being honest turned out to be the death of the relationship.

[Freddi]

Best thing I did was to be honest with my wife....she never caught me out I just decided it was time to tell her. She didn't seem shocked or against it,just said if you feel that way then fine. She's been totally supportive which in turn has helped me explore further with clothing and make-up. I always ask her if she minds me getting changed and she has never said she doesn't want me to. I realise how lucky I am to have her,especially when I read some others experiences on here.