Telling My Adult Children?

[Mercedes]

Over the past few months I have been thinking about telling my adult children (all in their 20s) about my crossdressing. I ask myself if it something they need to know or is it something I need to do? Are these opposing thoughts?

Our family is very progressive and accepting of everyone so I hope there will be positive reactions. Having said that, my wife is accepting of others but when it comes to her husband, well, she would rather it was not part of me. The whole NIMBY (not in my backyard). I asked her if she thought I should do this and she said why would I? Conversations around CDing with my wife are normally kept pretty short. Does she have a point, would it be something they wanted to know?

My thought is that one of my children, who is Bi, would welcome this with open arms. The other two, I feel will be fine but not sure it changes how they feel / look at their dad.

A few additional points; Two of my kids live at home while attending University, Very few people know about my CDing, I have only lately been wearing my new skirts and dresses in the main part of the house when the kids are out and my wife has been home, I would like to spend more time as Mercedes.

Any experiences or thoughts that you ladies can share would be appreciated.

Merci, Mercedes XOXOXO

[JulieC]

Mercedes, this is a personal choice. You'll get lots of answers here. I can't say whether my answer will help you or not, but here's where my wife (who is accepting and supportive) and I stand on it...

My kids don't know and won't know for the foreseeable future. There's a multitude of reasons.

First, coming from a military background I embrace the idea of "need to know". My kids don't have a need to know. Like you, two of my kids (adults) are at home. Even if they knew, it's unlikely I would ever feel comfortable dressing in front of them. So, it wouldn't increase the amount of time I get to dress.

Second, I'm concerned about what impact it might have on my relationship with my kids. I love them dearly, and would do anything for them. I am close with them. I don't want to do anything that would potentially harm that. We've raised them to be open minded, accepting of ways of living, cultures, and backgrounds. We've exposed them to all sorts of walks of life, and have never shied away from talking with them about complex social issues. Hate has no quarter in our family. That said, there's the NIMBY effect. I know how accepting they are of others, but would that translate to at home? I don't know. The question becomes "why find out?" and back to "First" we go.

Third, I also know from military background that the more people who know a secret, the possibility of exposure goes up at the square, not a linear function. We are not yet retired. There are potentially severe negative impacts to our jobs if something were to get back to our employers. I don't want to risk that, nor do I want to place the pressure of having to keep a secret on my kids.

Fourth, I feel that telling them at this time is more self serving than anything. It doesn't stand to benefit anything by telling them, and so doing so serves only me. I don't like that.

My wife and I have talked about this many times. She's much more open to the idea of telling the kids than I am. Our agreement, after discussion of all our concerns, is that we won't be informing them until they are out of the house, living on their own. Even then, it will only be if they are living local and might pop by. We're never going to tell them they can't just come in. So, we'd rather discuss it with them so they don't suddenly show up at home while I'm making dinner in a dress and heels...most especially if they show up with a date. Telling them then does serve a purpose; it will allow me to be dressed at home whenever I want to be dressed. Telling them now wouldn't change that.

I do crossdress for bed every night (usually a nightgown or two, bra and forms, and pantyhose). I'd like to crossdress more at home, but that's enough. I do get to crossdress out of the house from time to time (most recently last week). It's enough.

Best of luck in trying to figure this out!

[Aka_Donna]

Perhaps it would help to think of circles of importance to you. I would think the nearest, circle #1 would be wife; circle #2 children; circle #3 extended family; circle #4 people you come into contact with; and circle #5 the rest of people.

You are thinking about circle #2. I would start with circle #1 and only expand to other circles as/if wife is comfortable with it, after all this is the person you spend the most time with and you want to extend your good times.

[bridget thronton]

My wife insisted that I tell our adult children (and their SO's) in case someone saw me dressed and told my kids. It was scary - but my kids love me and are not surprised to see my dressed at home. This was a good thing - because when my daughter divorced 5 years ago she and her daughter moved in with us (and still live here). My granddaughter thinks nothing of talking to me about fashion or video games.

[Genifer Teal]

The fact that you've hid it for so long and are still hesitating shows how you feel about it. They will likely sense this. If it was something normal, it would have been explained already, or they would have just known from lack of hiding it. I don't know if you can overcome this hurdle while trying to explain it now. If you can still have it come across as a normal, okay, everyday activity, that just not everyone engages in, then go for it, but I really don't see that being possible. On the flip side, kids often already know or just don't care. Reactions could go the other way too.

[kimdl93]

In this case I would suggest that you respect your wifes preference. Should the day come when she is more open to your cross dressing, then maybe you can revisit the subject. Either way, your kids are embarking on their own lives, so this won’t be on the top of their concerns either way.

[Kris Burton]

My adult children are now grown men,35 &38 respectively, and have not lived with us for more than 15 years. I did not CD actively when they were young and lived with us. My wife is accepting and supportive, and have discussed this question at length. For us, we came to the conclusion that there is no reason for them to be made aware of my CDing at this point. It is our business. We do not and never confronted them about their private lives, especially as adults. In the event that they do somehow find out I am prepared to offer a matter of fact explanation. We would owe them that, but we also figured that as adults a dramatic "Sit down,I have something to tell you" reveal would bring an unnecessary amount of gravitas to the situation. Of course, this works for us, and should be viewed as unique to our situation.

[CynthiaD]

My adult children are all aware of my cding. I never came out to them, I just showed up. I don’t believe in coming out because it’s too much like making a confession. Making a confession implies that I’m doing something wrong. There is nothing wrong with my clothes.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm a CD. So, I'm never "coming out", like trans do.

I hid my dressing from my family as they didn't need to know. Until my 18 y/o daughter moved in with me full time. After she also caught me dressing a few times I had to tell her. So, I had to tell her adult sister and my ex.

Unless you're going to come out or r worried about getting caught? Why do need to tell them now, Mercedes?

[Fiona_44]

Personally, I would follow your wife's wishes on this. You cannot know exactly how each child would react and it is possible there could be real problem with one of them. Is that something you are willing to risk? You know your kids best but it is a tough decision to make.

[DanielleDubois]

I don't know if I can add much to Kris's viewpoint. My son is 43 and my daughter is 40 so at this point in all of our lives I cannot think of a positive reason I should now reveal Danielle to them. I cannot see how them knowing would improve the great and close relationship we have currently. Like Kris if they were to find out I would be honest with them about Danielle.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Mercedes , See Line #4 in my Signature , >Orchid**OO**

[Mercedes]

Thank you all for your thoughtful words and insights. You are a very wise group of ladies! I am truly impressed with the responses and am heavily leaning now to the not sharing position.

You answered the question “Do they need to know” and it is a simple, not really at this time.

[Sometimes Steffi]

There is one reason to tell, IMHO. If you have a stash, your children will find out about it, at least while they are cleaning out your house after your death. Then, an explanation would be in order, but you won't be able to provide one, unless you're really good speaking from the grave.

While I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, I'm working on a plan. This is very important in my case because of my wife's cognitive issues. She may outlive me, but her brain may not. I think it will be important to tell my side of the story even if my wife can't or won't. Since she is pretty much in the dark due to DADT, she won't have too much to say. Why should I let her spoil a lifetime of good times and good memories for my daughter.

[SophiaRose]

Steffi, your post makes me wonder how many sons found out their father crossdressed, after their passing, and were shocked because they ALSO crossdressed. Some believe this runs in the family. If a crossdressers son, or daughter, is struggling with gender and/or sexual identity questions it might be a life saver to have that in the open.

I've been very open with my kids concerning my own mental health issues so they don't see it as a stigma and will seek help when necessary. Kids need (IMO) to know some of their parents health histories to be prepared as they develop into adult hood.

I'm not advocating you tell your kids. You know your family and situation best. I just think there is another side to consider which could yield a closer relationship and help them along in their own journey.

[Steph_CD_62]

My 2 kids and my 2 step kids all know that I wear women's clothes. How they found out? I'm not completely sure. All 4 kids are in their 30's.

I did have a heart-to-heart talk with my daughter one day while taking her to see a doctor over 100 miles away. I knew she already knew about my desire to dress in women's clothes, but I wanted to talk to her a little bit more about it. The only people in the car were me, her and her 6-month-old baby. I just wanted to make sure she wouldn't get a big shock when my wife die and she would have to clean out our house. It wasn't a long conversation, but just long enough for her to understand what she would be finding in our house.

The reason I didn't talk to the other kids is that my wife's kids don't have much contact with us if at all. I didn't tell my son is even though he is an adult, he has a rough childhood because of medical problems at birth, he does good by sometimes I just don't know if he could handle talking about me wearing women's clothes mentally.

In my opinion all of us need to have somewhat of a talk with our adult kids. How many of you would want them to be shocked by what they find in your house? Or do you plan on getting rid of all of your women's clothes before you pass away?

I do NOT dress in front of any of my kids or grandkids and I never plan on it, but they need to know what is in our house when we pass away.

[Mercedes]

One the reasons I thought I should tell the kids was that, if something were to happen to me then my wife would not have to be the one to share the news. She did not seem concerned by that. She may actually just get rid of everything and not bring it up. We are both healthy 50 somethings so there is nothing currently for us to worry about.

But . . . Wait, is that a bus!?!?

[Sometimes Steffi]

I'm not advocating you tell your kids. You know your family and situation best. I just think there is another side to consider which could yield a closer relationship and help them along in their own journey.

I can't tell my daughter or let her find out accidentally. One of the boundaries I agreed to with my DADT wife. I would have to renegotiate the boundaries.

My 2 kids and my 2 step kids all know that I wear women's clothes. How they found out? I'm not completely sure. All 4 kids are in their 30's.

I did have a heart-to-heart talk with my daughter one day while taking her to see a doctor over 100 miles away. I knew she already knew about my desire to dress in women's clothes, but I wanted to talk to her a little bit more about it. The only people in the car were me, her and her 6-month-old baby.

In my opinion all of us need to have somewhat of a talk with our adult kids. How many of you would want them to be shocked by what they find in your house? Or do you plan on getting rid of all of your women's clothes before you pass away?

I do NOT dress in front of any of my kids or grandkids and I never plan on it, but they need to know what is in our house when we pass away.

I figured out how all your kids know. You trusted the 6-month-old baby to keep your secret. LOL.

One the reasons I thought I should tell the kids was that, if something were to happen to me then my wife would not have to be the one to share the news. She did not seem concerned by that. She may actually just get rid of everything and not bring it up. We are both healthy 50 somethings so there is nothing currently for us to worry about.

But . . . Wait, is that a bus!?!?

Yeah, I worry about the bus.

[Brynna M]

The two questions are how does it benefit them? and how does it benefit you? If you wish to dress more at home and want to talk to your kids first that seems reasonable. 20 something's are not so young that they need to be protected from everything. If it's just because you think they should know but nothing tangible will change that doesn't really do anything for anybody.

[JulieC]

Mercedes; yes, it's true you could get hit by a bus. I certainly hope that doesn't happen! But, a little planning... Write something up that explains everything and put it into a sealed envelope. Put it in with your crossdressing stash. If you should pass away, and your kids find the stash, now they have an explanation.

[Glenda58]

I told my daughters about me coming out. And said what took so long. My ex told them 35 years ago when we split up. They been great about it. To the point of tell me they know of a support group for me.