Feeling like a fraud

[danniUK]

It feels like I need to always preceed my posts with a brief history:
I spent most of my adult life as a "bedroom dresser", stockings and lingerie alone or with a partner gave me a thrill and made it oh so easy to pretend there was nothing more to it since "it was just a sex thing". Now in my late 40s I finally accepted that there is and always has been much more to it than that. Dresses, skirts, women's trousers and tops - as soon as I started wearing them I found a feeling of completeness that I've never felt before.

But this has all happened in the last year. During this time there's been one item I've avoided wearing: stockings. Hold-up stockings.
These where what started me off dressing when I was a teen and have been there all through my adult sex life. I've avoided wearing them this year because I know exactly how sexy they've always made me feel, and since I started dressing "properly" this year it's almost felt like I've needed to prove to myself that this isn't just a sexual thrill but rather a "real" part of who I am. Does that make sense at all?

So this week I felt a huge urge to wear.them and so I did, a few times. God, the feel of them against my skin, the tightness around my thigh, the act of sliding them from my foot along and up my leg... it's instant arousal as soon as I put them on.
Though weirdly it's not that they've provoked that "physical response" but rather they've made me feel incredibly aroused in every way besides that, and then eventually I've done "that thing" that does both provoke the physical response and also satisfy it.
(Sorry if this is too much information!)

But while it feels great for the moment, 10 minutes later I feel like a complete fraud. I'm back to feeling like it *is* just a sex thing and dressing is surely just something that gives me a thrill and of course it's not "part of who I am". In that moment the clothes I'm wearing start to feel "silly" and I go back to dressed drab.

That feeling passes eventually. Post coital brain chemistry of some sort? Eventually I'm back to feeling normal about dressing. I *know* it's a part of me, of who I am. But damn, those stockings.
Maybe I just shouldn't wear them.
But the thing is, nothing makes me feel more feminine than wearing them.

Does anyone else ever have feelings/cycles like this?
Sorry - bit of a rant! But felt I had to share.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Danni , That is an Interesting story,

It is funny how a piece of clotheing has that affect,

[Sabine7]

Hi Danni, I used to avoid being provoked and to face the risk of a physical response. A pleasant warmth in my whole body and girly arousal is all I need. To be honest, I used rather to fantasize about not having this funny and stupid male thing at all. If in rare case being failed with this and having reached the coital experience for some incidental reason I used to be rather disappointed but not guilty and can continue being en-femme.

[kimdl93]

Feeling like a fraud kind comes with the territory for some of us. Perhaps it comes from hiding a part of oneself for a lifetime. The male presentation can feel fake, because its not how you want to be. The female presentation can feel contrived, given the effort and apparatus involved in achieving it. It’s possible that sexual thing is just a variation on the self doubt. And we are conditioned to associate sexual gratification with guilt.

Of course, a connection can develop between a garment and those early years of sexual discovery. That’s pretty strong positive reinforcement. But one also has to ask where the attraction to stockings or any feminine attire began. For some it begins in adolescence but for others much earlier, before any real thought of sexual gratification emerged. I think of cross dressing and sexuality as traveling companions into early adulthood. Then, as life goes on, they may part company.

It doesn’t have to be an either or situation. You can be allowed express yourself as a woman and also be allowed to experience some sexual arrousal from those deeply embedded positive experiences. One doesn’t invalidate the other.

[SophiaRose]

Danni, I'm right there with you. I'm at the point where I want to dress without any arousal and I feel like it's a big win when dressing satisfies my desire to be a woman and nothing else. The feeling like a fraud piece also resonates with me. It makes all of this very confusing at times and makes me wonder if dressing is just a fetish or if I'm actually transgender. Our "maleness" sure does get in the way at times and makes it so difficult to find our authenticity. The struggle is real.

[Marketa]

Danni, stockings are indeed incredibly sexy in several ways. The look off them on legs, the feel of nylon when you put them on/off or when legs rub each other. It might be one of the reasons you react like you react. It's important to realize they were actually designed to do that by multi billion dollar industry. How can one single weak person resist such a giant?

Don't feel as a fraud. Enjoy them and if they make you, let's say happy, so be it. CD doesn't have to be either sexual or not, but it can be and very often is something in-between.

Learn to not get guilty, but take it as another layer of your CD.

[Genifer Teal]

Our brain imprints on those exciting moments i think it's intended we imprint on our partner, or at least that mating is a good thing. It's necessary for our species to carry on, so it makes sense that doing it make us want to do it more. It also makes us focus on the trigger. You've just reinforced whatever feelings you have towards those stockings.

FWIW, i've closed the closet door a few times and walked away from this for a few months at a time (back in the day). I always came back. I eventuality decided I wasn't trans in the dysphoric way but I don't care. I'd still rather do the girl thing. I'm ok with that.

[Helen_Highwater]

Danni,

Many of us started off dressing and having a sexual element to it. How many have written about self pleasuring bring an end to their dressing session. Thing is, just as many write about how things move on. As you dress more and get ever more comfortable doing so the desire to have a sexual release diminishes.

As you point out, you're only really been fully dressing for a year so in the great scheme of things early days. They say familiarity brings contempt so perhaps the answer is to dress in holdups more often, acclimatise to, nomalise their wearing. Set out to break the cycle, set yourself a day when you'll wear them and not respond to the desire for more. Or perhaps put them on first thing in the morning knowing that you'll be wearing them through to bed time, under dressing if necessary. It would be a shame to deny yourself a dressing staple.

[il.dso]

All very true and challenging.
No easy answers for many of us.
Struggles, pain, guilt and such remarkable, essential and profound pleasure.
Best wishes to you with it all...

[chrissy111]

I feel that wearing them everyday or as much as you can the, (feeling to do that thing) will eventually fade to a feeling of feeling and looking sexy. I imagine many of us have been through it with some article of clothing we've worn.

[racquelr]

Personally, for me, if dressing doesn't lead to arousal, I don't see much point to it.

[NancySue]

Interesting post to which I can?t relate. Stockings, in my youth, were my initiation into our world and have remained #1 or tied with my bras. Since retirement, I wear some form of hose most days. Sadly, I had to give up pantyhose however thigh highs have been a perfect replacement. Slipping on my HSR thigh highs daily is something I fondly look forward to with no regrets or guilt trip. I find them incredibly comfortable and a joy to wear. As gorgeous as you are, don?t waste your time denying yourself the pleasures you enjoy. Life?s too short.

[Amy Randal]

I used to get aroused by certain clothes and went through the same thing you described. Now if I get aroused when dressed its because I have needs like any other woman. If I do pleasure myself I feel like a satisfied and fulfilled woman.

[docrobbysherry]

Danni, I can relate. For the first 10+ years I dressed sex and guilt was a major part of it!

Then, some cd.com folks here got me to start going out to meet, hang out, and party with them! That was nearly 20 years ago. And, in all that time whether I'm prepping to go out, when I'm out, or when I'm home dressing for a shoot? I've never once thot about sex!
And, the guilt is long gone. Even if I occasionally partake after a private shoot at home.

I don't connect dressing with self sex anymore. Maybe u should try that, Danni?

As for "feeling a fraud"? I'm obviously a man in a dress. A CD. What's fraudulent about that?

[Sometimes Steffi]

For those of us who started crossdressing in our teens, or perhaps even younger, getting an arousal was par for the course. The brain is not fully developed until about age 20. I strongly believe that the teenage arousal pathway gets built into the developing brain. For us engineers, consider it built into the hardware or firmware, not software. It will never go away. IMHO.

[Sabine7]

I would like to share more from my perspective. I believe my sub-conscious had to be aware of my hidden or to say built-in femininity already when being a toddler. However, it was my self-eroticism experience when growing up as a teenager that I discovered and explored my feminine sensitivity and nature. Now, I used to feel just a natural pleasure and experience of self-accomplishment when being on the female side. Of course a pleasant arousal when dressed remains but it is just a bonus for being a female. In time I learned to ignore my male part and ceased to complain on its mediocre size and if only given a chance to switch into a real female body I would not need even 5 minutes to make a decision. I don't feel myself guilty about all that but I am afraid of being disclosed because my family and friends would hardly accept me as a woman.

[alwayshave]

Danni, I love stockings for the same reason you do. I see nothing wrong with having an object of sexual gratification. It doesn't hurt anyone.

[CarlaWestin]

My mornings start with a nice Rago six strap garter belt, Rago longline bra, heels stocking and a nice soft house dress.
Along with that nice feminine glow and feeling. Coffee and email then down to the playhouse for either makeup and maybe an outing or just into
man clothes if I want to do other stuff. You don't really need to over think it with residual guilt trip neurosis.

[audreyinalbany]

not sure how that makes. yo fell like a 'fraud' You mean you don't feel like a 'real' crossdresser?

[Kris Burton]

I think many if not most women's clothes - both underwear and outerwear - are designed to be sexy not only to the observer but to the wearer as well. Why shouldn't we enjoy those feelings?

[danniUK]

Thanks everyone for the comments!

not sure how that makes. yo fell like a 'fraud' You mean you don't feel like a 'real' crossdresser?

Yeah pretty much - I had a realisation last year that my dressing wasn't just about the arousal and I that I feel like femininity is part of my identity... but when I "revert" to dress-up-for-a-sexual-thrill-mode it makes the idea of that feel ridiculous. Like I've made this whole thing into something it isn't: "you're just a guy who gets off on wearing stockings" instead of it being something deeper than that.

[Cheryl T]

Ah the age old conundrum.
We love the feeling of dressing, the excitement and the emotional high. We love the tease. We love the eventual satisfaction.
But ... then we deplore the guilt, the shame, the "why do i do this" that follows all too frequently.

Yes, as the saying goes, "been there, done that", far, far too many times.
Then oddly enough I began to accept that there is more to this than just that. That I am more than just that and this is a huge part of who I am. I began to accept Myself. Once I reached that point and understood that this is not something I do, but something I am it changed. No longer do I have that regret when those feelings of elation come over me. I understand that I can feel sexual, I can feel sexy, I can feel attractive all as a woman and there is nothing wrong with that.

[Wendy James]

Danni I go through the same experiences occasionally. For many years it was strictly sexual, but more recently it has just become second nature to wear women's clothing and I feel like part of me is missing if I am not wearing women's clothing. I do not go out in dresses or skirts, but I always wear a bra and panties with no arousal at all, although it does make me feel good. With that as background sometimes when I get all dressed up at home the feelings take over and I get too excited. The only thing that has changed is in the past when that occured I immediately changed into drab but no longer. Now I stay dressed and have no regrets, I just enjoy it and consider it a part of life. Just enjoy those times, I have learned by doing that the whole experience of dressing is better than it has ever been

[Stephanie47]

Danni, is it not possible for a more-than-a-crossdresser to also have a fetish? Google, and read some articles on the percentages of men who engage in self pleasure, even though they may have a very satisfying sexual relationship. A copy of Penthouse or lingerie? It gets the job done. It isn't a teenage "thing" to do. I'm 77 and still am haunted by the disgust and self loathing I experienced in my youth. Why would a guy, who lusted after unattainable starlets and neighborhood/schoolmates, be driven to wear his mother's clothing? It does not compute! Society expects conformity and can force conformity, if it so chooses. Although I have been comfortable and accepting of myself I do confess my life would have been a lot more simple if I was not compelled to express myself as a woman. I do ascribe to the position my former PTSD counselor puts forth: each person, man and woman, has some dna of the opposite sex within their genetics, in some it is more than others. Once you accept yourself, then you only have to deal with non-acceptance of others.

[Heather76]

When I was in the 13 - 15 year age range, the few times I could be alone wearing my mother's bras was definitely a sexual arousal thing. As an adult, the 8 - 10 times I put on my wife's panty hose (last done maybe 30 years ago), I experienced immediate arousal and subsequent release. Yes! It was sexual. However, when I started cross dressing 4 1/2 years ago at age 74, there were no sexual feelings involved. I thought there would be based on my prior experience, but at that age it didn't happen. I started out wearing panties. Then I moved on to fishnets and HSR thigh highs. I've been going full out with bras, forms, dresses, nighties, hose, makeup, and wigs for 3 years now. Fortunately, my wife has given me a lot of latitude to dress at will at home. She prefers not to see me in makeup and a wig which I respect. When she goes to bed at night, that's when I finish "getting dressed" which means wig and lipstick. If I know I'll be up another 3 hours or so, on goes the makeup, too. I now spend 14 - 16 hours a day (including sleeping at night) dressed assuming I'm not going out. If I'll be out, I wear hose, panties, and, if wearing a jacket or windbreaker, a lace bralette & small forms that aren't obvious. None of it is sexual in nature. It is simply how I feel comfortable and complete. I often times wonder if I had realized Heather was a part of me when I was 25 if I would have chosen a different route in life. Because of the era I grew up in, I doubt it. If I were 25 in today's world, I suspect I'd be giving life as a trans woman a lot of consideration. Am I a fraud? No. I'm simply a 79 year old MIAD and I'm happy with that. Fortunately, I've never felt any guilt about my life as a CD. I've not hurt anyone. It's not illegal. And, most importantly, it's oh so very fulfilling and satisfying.