Feeling like a fraud

[danniUK]

I don't connect dressing with self sex anymore. Maybe u should try that, Danni?

I think that's the root of what I'm getting at Sherry.
When I started - around this time last year - dressing regularly during the day instead of just "in the bedroom" I realised that becuase it didn't feel sexual then there was clearly something more to it than just doing it for that thrill.
To begin with I thought the "something more" was obviously that I was a crossdresser, though now the question of being trans does cross my mind sometimes.
But while I'm still not sure which, both are about femininity and when I accepted that that is a massive part of my identity it made me feel... complete? Or maybe a part of something, a community.
The guilt, or weirdness about what I'm doing that I feel "after the act" makes me suddenly question all of that and being honest it feels like a part of me is being torn away. Of course it eventually stops and I'm back to feeling "normal, but it's still a horrible feeling when it happens.

But wearing hold ups just starts the cycle going and although I thought this wasn't sexual any more, the reaction to those stockings shows that it is, at least in part. I thought that for me there was the disconnect between the two that you've suggested but there isn't.

[Ressie]

I'm too hooked on the sexual attraction to wearing women's clothes to give that part up. But I've found that I don't have those feelings so much when dressing in public.

I think we need to accept ourselves regardless of what we don't like about ourselves. It can be difficult, but none of us are perfect - so don't be so hard on yourself.

[docrobbysherry]

Danni, if it makes u feel any better? I think u r a crossdresser, like me. And, CD's r included under the trans umbrella!

And, here's why: I was a regular guy up until my 50's. Never even thot about trying on women's things before then. My only connection to women's things like undies, etc. was the excitement thinking that a woman had worn this!

Putting it on would actually have ruined that momentary thrill!

What I mean is regular men do not get the same thrill from women's clothes that CD's do. To them it's simply a connection to a woman or women in general!

You see this in movies. Where a creepy guy smells or touches an intimate clothing item. It's his connection to the woman. Wearing it isn't the same.

Dressers get a very different excitement by wearing the clothes!

[Aroara Xanthemae]

When I wear nylons and panties or a beautiful dress and stocking or all of it I have a sexual desire I love how beautiful I am and how beautiful I feel I fight the urge to self pleasure and I fight the urge to have an athletic hunk have his way with me (I?m not a gay man) but Dam I feel sexy and would like to explore more sexuality!! I fight the urge and wait till my wife will put out and fill my desire there

[danniUK]

Have an athletic hunk have his way with me?
LOL, speaking as a bi guy that always has an appeal, though it's not something I've ever done while dressed!

[audreyinalbany]

I think we've all probably been there...I"d say, get over the guilt/ Put on you stockings do your thing and get on with your life. Nothing to be ashamed about; nothing 'fraudulent' about it.

[Mercedes]

This is easy to type, harder to do, but why can’t you have / allow / accept both. One feeling does not have to negate the other. Please do not be hard on yourself for the very natural feelings you have.

Mercedes XOXOXO

[danniUK]

Thanks everyone for all the replies.
What I absolutely love about this place is how supportive everyone is!
I think I'm just going to have to accept that hold ups *are* damn sexy both to look at and at wear and if I can't get used to wearing them without doing that thang then I'll just have to keep them for a treat to wear in private only just like I used to

[Maria 60]

I believe for myself the more sexual part started to diminish in my middle fifties and did become more about just being comfortable wearing the clothing. But also things changed when the children left the house, I had more time. Before it was the kids went out for a few hours and it was rush and then not wear fem clothes for long periods of time and the rush and the arousel was at every occasion. I now almost wear something fem everyday and it does feel more normal and don't always let's call it "finish" just to say. I'm not going to lie just like yourself there are certain items that seem to light the fire, pantyhose, stay ups and slips are my weakness. I wouldn't call yourself a fraud but more some items take you back and have a connection to something that you really believe was sexy in your youth. I remember my first time seeing stockings was on a Benny Hill show, I believe I was about nine or ten years old. You just brought back a flash back of my youth, I wanted to feel that feeling so bad that I cut a pair of pantyhose and cut holes and tied strings to my underwear. It didn't work out very well but I believe it did the job to satisfy.

[GretchenM]

In my opinion, early on the stockings became a fetish - a somewhat habitual sexual release that may not actually have much to do with dressing itself or a female identity. It satisfies some very deep need and because the stockings are sexy women's items it does its job. But it is all sex without any gender identification.

(Keep in mind that gender has little to do with sex. Gender has to do with fulfilling a particular role in the surrounding social world. That doesn't mean that if you are identifying with a female gender you must only participate with female behaviors. Women don't even do that. We are all a blend of many male-like, female-like, and neutral gender behaviors. But if a vast majority of your behaviors are female-like then you have a female gender but not necessarily 100% that and nothing from the other two.)

Why do you feel so bad afterwards though? You feel shame. A part of a fetish is doing something you are not supposed to do and getting excitement from it. It becomes more than habitual - it is a bit of who you are. You really don't want that so you feel crappy.

But what happens if you don't wear the stockings but you put on a skirt or a dress without any women's underwear. Do you like the look of that and how it makes you feel but without a sexual element? In that case I think you have two sides. You have a bit of a sexual side to a desire of some kind to be a woman. (I used to get that, but now I am too damn old to feel that. ) If that works and the outer clothes make you feel female-like then slowly add undergarments (but not stockings) to see how you react to them. That way you can narrow down the kinds of women's garments that make your mind feel good and happy. Not necessarily satisfied, but that you feel acceptably female-like in yourself without a strong sexual element. You may later be able to add stockings without a reaction, but if you start to have a reaction stop immediately and get the stockings off - they might poison your who experience otherwise.

[Glenda58]

I used to but now that I'm transitioning not anymore. I dress every day it's no big deal.