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Thread: From a concerned mum

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    From a concerned mum

    Hiya all. I am a new member and have been pointed to this site for help and support. I do not know if I am in the right section so please understand. I am a 32 year old single mum with a 13 year old son called mark. We live in a small flat in Winchester and have settled well since mark’s dad left us 5 years ago and the divorce in 2002. mark is happy in school and I have a steady job. My reason for posting this meassge is that I have a suspicion that Mark is taking my clothes and I am looking for advice. Things have gone missing for short periods, some for longer, over the last 18 months and I have a stronger feeling now that things are definitely not right. You know the kind of thing I guess. My undies are not in the same place as I have tidied thenm away. Shoes knocked over or moved. Creases in skirts and dresses when I know I have not worn them since washing and ironing them. Female intuition. Lol. I don’t want to confront mark until the right time. I know it must be him as we live alone and I only let him have friends around when I am home. I really don’t know what to do and in such a pickle thinking about all of this. A friend of mine said I should buy Mark some things for him, undies, nightie, blouses and skirts etc but I am not sure if that is what is right for mark. Wil he want to wear all the time? That would be impossible of course. Why would he want to wear women’s clothes? I wonder if the divorce is to blame. Or me in some way. Is he wanting to get closer to me? I really don’t know what to say to him. Do I confront him even though I know he is helping himself to my undies and other clothes? my friends have said leave alone but I am not happy not knowing what is happening while I am out at work. Should I even be bothered? One friend even said I should pop into a lingerie section when he is with me shopping and offer to buy him some! But I am not sure the shock treatment would work the right way. What if he said yes! If anyone can help me you would take a weight off my mind. Fran xx

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    Smile

    buy him some and leave them in his room and see what happens then have a talk with him

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    Hi Fran, Welcome to the Forum.

    Mark may be at that stage where he is doing nothing more than experimenting, not every boy, or girl for that matter, who tries on their mothers clothing goes onto become a Crossdresser. He is a young adolescent, just going into puberty and finding his feet in a whole new area.

    Direct confrontation is not the answer and neither is a "shock treatment". You will know when the right time will be to talk to him about your concerns/suspicions, no-one else can tell you that, he is your son.

    You or the divorce are not to blame, I believe that every boy at sometime in their lives go and try on some sexy undies or mums clothing.

    If you are able, try to get him to talk to you, maybe ask his opinion on a new skirt, or a pretty blouse.

    One question you should ask yourself, If Mark is doing this, how do you feel deep down, can you support him, or will you just try to ignore it? Get clear in your mind and heart on how you will deal with the possibility that Mark is a crossdresser, then go from there.

    Many more members here will also offer advice and encouragement, some will have been in the same situation as you. This is a delicate situation and I wish you well.
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    GYPSY EMELDA urban gypsy's Avatar
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    Hi I have to agree with Nigella at his age he probably experimenting, and he may never become a crossdresser, but it might be his way of escaping stresses and strains of being a teenager. For the time being I would let sleeping dogs lie, and give it another couple of months and see if it settles down or stops. as confronting it now could cause alot of embrassment and possible resentment.
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    Feel free to message me.x Natalie tv's Avatar
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    I agree with the above, Mark is young and his body is going through changes, he will expeiment and that doesnt make it wrong. I did the same when i was younger as im sure do a lot of people. Dont use the shock treatment, that could push him away. Let it be for now, if he wants to confide in you at some point, then you can be prepared for it.
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    Member AnnaMaria's Avatar
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    Fran,

    First you have to know that in all likelyhood nothing that you have done or not done has caused what you suspect is going on with your son. At least that is the general consensus. If in fact he is a transgender then there is nothing that you can do that will change who he is or what he will eventually go through as a result of this fact. I know that sounds really scary for you and for him but the truth sometimes is.

    I am a father of two wonderful kids and I am also a TG but my kids don't know about me. If I found out that one of my kids was doing the things that you suspect your son to be doing I think that I would have to confront the child with the information but not without making sure that I have some kind of written resource to give the child that could help them understand what they are feeling. There are a number of good books on the market that are aimed toward adults about the subject but I am not really sure about ones that would be good for a 13yo. But above all you have to be gental with him because right not he is just starting to discover a part of himself that will more than likely be a very strong influence in his life for the rest of his life.

    I would say that the first step would be for you to find a book for yourself so that you have a better understanding of what he is going through. I say better because unless you are a tg yourself you will never completely understand what he is feeling. Then sit him down and talk to him about it at a time when you are not upset or tired from work or something else that is going on in your lives. Gently explain to him about what you have read and that you know that he has been wearing your clothes. Then let him know that this is unexceptable and that if he wants to continue to dress as a girl that you will get him he's own things. They don't have to be expensive but it would probably help if you let him pick them out. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of taking him shopping with you take notice of the things that he has been borrowing from you. That might give you some indication of the types of things that he likes.

    The other possibility is that he is simply exploring his sexuallity and that he will grow out of this before long. Though I doubt this one very much sense you mentioned in your post that it has been going on for some time now.

    But above all you have to realize that he is not broken and you can't fix him so don't freak out thinking that you can or that you have done something wrong. I realize that the society that we live in does not allow for such behavior from our "males" but it is something that is more pervasive than you think. One way to look at the situation is that you are not loosing a son, you are gaining a daughter that you will be more able to communicate with and share with. Once he is aware that you are not going to freak out and reject him because of who he is he will probably open up to you more and you will be able to talk to him about what he is feeling more easily.

    I know that this is a lot to take in right now especially considering your circumstances, but believe me it is better that you deal with this now than to just forbide him to do this and find out later that he is doing it behind your back and that he is holding on to some feelings of anger as a result of your rejection of the situation. The other thing is that you should not tell his father about it unless you have no choice because the average father is more likely to instantly reject this behavior and the person involved than a mother is. Unless you know for sure that the father will be understanding. But I would say that you should allow your son to make the choice as to when to tell his father about it.

    Another option would be to find a counsler that has some experience with such things for you and your son to see. That may take some doing but in the long term it will be helpful to both of you. But don't take him to just anyone because the average shrink will want to fix him with meds and such and that will only create more problems. You will have to find someone who specializes in dealing with transgender related issues.

    I hope that something that I have said will help you and him. If you have any further questions or concerns please feel free to post again or you can contact me directly if you would like. I can put you in touch with my wife also if you would like and I might be able to even put you in touch with my mom who knows about me as well. I am sure that she would be more than willing to talk with you about the subject. Just let me know if I can help any further.

    Good luck and all my best

    Anna

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    I wouldn't push anything. I'd ask his opinion on certain things when the time was right, but I'd never confront him. Chances are he's embarrassed and would feel ashamed. It would be more likely that he'd lie than admit to it at this stage. Just let him be himself and try to guide him in his life and choices, and he'll always know your there for him. When he's ready, whenever that may be, I'm sure he'll let you know, somehow. :winking:

    It is possible he does do this for stress relief, but that won't be his main motivation for it.

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    Personally I believe that, if he is crossdressing at age 13, then he probably has some gender issue. I was never aware of too many young teen males who cross dress merely to experiment - maybe I don't get around enough. Young male teens are very much concerned about appearance and being different - but this is possibly cross dressing in secret - not flaunting some Marilyn Manson look with his mates.

    I guess you have to look at what else is happening in his life - is he shy? becoming more withdrawn? not mixing well with other teen boys? seeking out more time alone at home? These are some of the signals for deeper gender dysphoria and a pre-occupation with cross dressing.

    If all is well in his school life and general social life then there probably is not a lot to worry about.

    So far as broaching the subject with him - I'm not sure - the direct approach is likely to get a defensive response - that is true. But maybe that's your answer. And, to be honest Fran, I'm not sure what result you're after - well I think you you're hopeful that he isn't TG or a CD-er. And, if he is, he won't be cured by shock tactics. Indirect approaches usually miss the target or he will find them easy to evade. Coming home unexpectedly is a pretty good way to find out. I know I'm out of step with the others but I think kids are a bit more resilient - plus if there is a gender issue best to deal with it out in the open.

    Fiona xx
    Last edited by FionaAlexis; 05-15-2006 at 06:53 AM.

  9. #9
    Out for a walk EricaCD's Avatar
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    Well the others have pretty much said it all:

    1. First, he may or may not be a CD. At this point he may not even know.
    2. If he is, it has nothing to do with you, the divorce or anything like that. Not only should you not blame yourself, but I think you are to be commended for taking the time to reflect/learn/understand before immediately approaching your son.
    3. I would not confront him at this point. I would, however, suggest that you continue your own reading on this forum and on other support sites. The best thing you can do for your son is to prepare yourself--if you are really in a position where you can accept him as a cd, then it will make life much easier if you do "happen in" on him while dressed.

    Good luck!
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    Raksha's My Dreamboat Tracy_Victoria's Avatar
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    Wow Fran what a wonderful mum you are! Well done for not diving of the deep end.

    I think if you confront mark, his pride may lead him to deny it, maybe another way forward, ir clearly you have internet access, why not browse the site, whiles he is about and broach the subject if he raises it, if he asks why your looking just say your curious and (if you really see it as no big thing, then tell him!)

    the fact as simple really

    If he is crossdressing then he probably won't stop just because you confront him.

    If he is wearing your clothes (dresses, skirts, etc) then this is not just a panty growing up (maturing thing) so it's a case of finding how far he really wants this to go.

    I don't think we should be saying to you, encourage him, as some boys do this and grow out of it others don't but I think you should make him away your clothes are off limits (but some of your cast off are not) How ever that might not stop him from using them.

    If it happened to me (and My SO has mentioned this as well!) and being a cross dresser myself, I'd give them some cast off, maybe a dressing up box with some thing from charity shops in his size, show him it no big deal but explain it something he need to be aware that not all people understand this need. it may help you to read this as well which is my bio, as you can see from this sometimes there is more that just dressing up to this.

    http://crossdressers-forum.com/forum...pic.php?t=6527

    Every word in that Bio is true, I've left a few bits out, but nothing is made up, I have no need to make things up, but my desire to go out dressed started when i was very young, and has been there ever since!!!

    My advice is let him play, but don't take your interest to far, he is still young, he is testing his sexuality, all you need to do is be a friend, make sure he can do this if he wants and if not, he will stop by himself, or carry on and have a real cool mums support hopefully?. to give you the best example I can, I have never Smoked, Both my Parents, and my grand parents did, but when I was nine, my father told me, " if you want to smoke son, Smoke, I don't give a damn, I started at nine, and if you want to, do so, but you don't need to hide it" Hence, I never started, as it was something I had free access to, as it was not Taboo, or off limits and i made my own choice. Which clear is what mark needs to do here!

    Maybe you could sort a big box of your unwanted stuff in to a box, tell him it's going to a charity shop, but never take it, he can dress and then throw it all back in, and not have to try to cover his tracks with you, which at the moment, he clearly is not doing well anyway.

    basically let him lead, but be there to answer, and certain feel free to ask us for advice, but always get the views of several people over one, then go with you gut feeling of which one is right!

    Good luck. feel free to PM me if I can help in anyway.
    Last edited by Tracy_Victoria; 05-15-2006 at 09:52 AM.
    Cya

    Tracy

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  11. #11
    Raksha's My Dreamboat Tracy_Victoria's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FionaAlexis
    Personally I believe that, if he is crossdressing at age 13, then he probably has some gender issue. I was never aware of too many young teen males who cross dress merely to experiment

    Fiona xx
    I have to give and quote my Example here, I was certainly crossdressing as young as 8, dressing fully by the age of 12 to 13, and passed out, for the the thrill of it, ie dressed as a woman at the age of 15. I have no gender issues (i'm a TV not a TS), and my action were purely for the fun of doing it.
    Cya

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    Silver Member Billijo49504's Avatar
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    Hi, I know what I wished my mother would have done. I wish she would have offered to buy me some things of my own. But no, she accused me of stealing her things and tried to shame me out of it. From then on, I left her thing alone. We had a few neighbors who left their laundry on the line over night. So I went shopping at night. Good luck.. .BJ

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    Senior Member Lawren's Avatar
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    Speaking strictly from my own experience, I was crossdressing at 13 because I was not very popular and was compensating for the lack of a girlfriend. Had I been confronted about it I would have reacted very badly. I would suggest being very subtle about confirming his interest in CDing before taking any overt action.

    In any case, I do not think that this is the result of the divorce or anything you have done.

  14. #14
    T-something Marla S's Avatar
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    Hello fran

    you seem to be a great mum.
    Don't blame your divorce and absolutely don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong.

    From my own experience as a young boy it is a very delecate situation.

    First I'd would assume your son isn't happy about the situation. He most likely has guilt feelings and struggels with his desires to dress and knowing it is seen as a "wrong thing". He most likely feels left alone with this issue.

    On the other side he might not be willing to talk about, because he feels deeply ashamed.
    Steeling mom's clothes is something he most likely feels bad about on its own (not to talk about wearing them and being excitet). Therfore there is no need to tell him.

    Try to be a friend, try to accept him, but don't force him. This is absolutely no situation for "shock treatment".

    Find a way to have him his own clothes. This will disburden him from the guilt feelings to stealing your clothes and might make it more easy for him to talk about this issue.

    Maybe you could go shopping with him and point him to some more unisex girly clothes at first, which will give him the chance not to loose his face, and might open an opportunity to talk about it.

    Loosing his face is the worst that could happen to him right now. He probably feels uncertain, guilty, and ashamed anyway.

  15. #15
    24/7 knicker wearer Helen MC's Avatar
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    Fran, I agree with the suggestion given earlier. Buy him some panties to begin with in his size and the same or similar style as yours and leave them as a present in a bag on his bed and see what happens. If he does come out to you over this you can say that you do not mind him wearing girls' undies instead of boys' underpants, and even outer clothing such as skirts and dresses although the latter only at home I would advise at least until he is old enough and confident enough to go out en-femme if that is what he wants to do. However you can also say that you do not want him to wear YOUR clothing. Once the ice is broken by this you will probably be able to discuss the matter objectively. However let him come to you and don't force the issue from you to him.

    Good luck to you both and I praise you for your open-minded attitude. I started to cross-dress when I was 12 , that was 41 years ago now but in 1965 such tolerant attitudes were simply not known.
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    Lady in Waiting carol ann's Avatar
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    Thinking back to my youth, i know that I would have found it wonderful to have had the support of my mother but i know I feared retribution not understanding.

    On balance I think I agree with others who suggest that confrontation, unless dicovery is absolutely inevitable on both sides, is not the best option, However, trying to get closer to your son in conversation, hugs and overt affection may be helpful in bringing up the matter at some time in the future, After all, you don't realy want him messing with your clothes.
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  17. #17
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    If you want to avoid a confrontation, what you could do is write a note or a short letter and leave it somewhere where he will find it if he is going through your clothes. Address it to him so he knows you know and he will read it. Then you can say what you want to say and give him time to respond. Let him know that he can come and talk to you when he's ready, maybe let him know that if he's not comfortable verbally responding to your letter that he can write down his response and leave it in the same place. You will probably need to talk eventually, but this could be a good place to start.

    I started cross dressing around the same time, it wasn't all that long ago that I was 13 (I'm 21 now) so I can sort of relate to him. I was caught by both my parents on a number of occaisions and the initial confrontation was quite embarrasing for me.

    First of all you need to establish that he knows the details of what he's doing - for example how others might react if they find out, and why he's doing it, if it's just a phase he's going through, etc. The answers to some of these sorts of questions might not come out for some time so you may need to be paitent. I didn't know myself when I started if it was just a phase or what. (As it turns out I'm a transexual, but everybody is different so you need to keep an open mind because there are many possibilities)

    You should talk to him before you decide if you're going to buy him anything. You need to know that you're not wasting your money - if it's just a phase will the things you buy get that much use? Will he even like your choices? etc. Plus shock tactics is probably not a good idea in such a delicate situation. If you're not comfortable with him going through your things though you need to let him know that. (I rmember my mum putting it to me once, "How would you feel if it was me going through and trying on your clothes?" That put things in perspective for me, but she never offered to buy me any of my own things sniff*)

    You also need to think about the extent of his cross dressing - if he just wants to do it in private, if he wants to dress up around the house only when you and maybe close friends are there, or if he wants to cross dress full time. Obviously the more people that need to know, the more difficult it becomes. You need to listen to him and his feelings about it, but at the same time he's your son and he should also be listening to your feelings and respect what you're willing to accept so at the end of the day only you two together can decide and come to an agreement on these things.

    Cross dressing isn't wrong, and I'm confident you understand that from your post. However it does come with one hell of a lot of emotional and social baggage! Thats probably the main thing you need to get across to him. Provided your happy with it, it could be an 'our little secret' kinda thing.

    As with the others, I also very much doubt you or your divorce have anything to do with this. Cross dressing is a surprisingly common thing (just look at the number of people on this forum!) and as far as I know, nobody has discovered any sort of reason for it that can be applied in the majority of situations. Every case is different.

    At the end of the day you need to find out his feelings, let him know yours, and come to an agreement about the situation, letting him know that you're there for him and what you're willing to do for him and what you expect from him as your son. So far you sound like you've started off well and are headed in the right direction, so good luck, and if you need any more advice, you know where to come

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  18. #18
    Lisa Scotts SO Cheery GG's Avatar
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    Hi fran, welcome to the site...you can certainly receive some good support on here.....it has helped me no end.

    I think as much as you can listen to everyones elses opinion, which is good, you know yourself as a mum what you feel, your the only one who knows your son....whats right for one person isnt right for another....so take on board what eveyone is saying, and then make up your own mind.

    However, my 2 cents worth is this. I have a son who is 11....we have a very open relationship, we talk about sex, girflriends...drugs....whatever he is concerned with he asks me and i tell him honestly....IF nad only if you have that kind of relationship with mark, then i would bring your concerns into conversation....not making a big deal about it,

    for example....you could be looking through the latest next catalogue, and you see a nice dress.,.....ask him if he thinks it would suit you...or ask him his opinion.....then try and bring up the conversation of womens clothes in some way, make it a chatty, light conversation...no sitting round the kitchen table and having a family discussion, it never worked for me !

    I also wouldnt assume that he is a crossdresser until he has told you...he will probably not understand his need....and will be confused....be his mum not matter what and tell him you love him, and you can learn about it and work it out together.....

    If your by his side and he has his mum unconditionally, he can work through anything.,....

    I wish you luck....

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  19. #19
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    As someone who is new to this and probably haven't steady our forum in detail, please realize that if he is crossdressing it does not tell you anything about his sexual orientation. He may be completely straight, many here are. Crossdressing is done for lots of reasons, so don't try to "understand" him, just love him and support him with whatever he is doing.

  20. #20
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    hiya fran, welcome to the site.

    the first thing that id raise is that it isnt your fault. i know that my mother thought it was her fault that im transexual, just because she used to say that she wanted a daughter .. believe me, sometimes the universe just forgets you are there and does stuff without you.
    i dont think its anyones fault, cause i dont think that its a bad thing... so who cares about blame?

    the way that i look into the issue is just thinking back and wondering about what i wanted when i was in that same position.
    a lot of people have said such things like dont rock the boat, confrontation = bad and the like ..
    but from what i read, you have been able to discuss this issue with at least a couple of your friends. so, personally, id say you are talking to the wrong person.
    sure, confrontation can be a hard thing and it can be tough.. but if you want to know whats going on, why not go to the source? it can be done in a tactful way that doesnt hurt mark or pressure him into feeling shameful.

    lots of people have said that it might just be a phase, but then, its been going on for nearly 2 years now and i know that when i started, i always hoped that it was something id grow out of too ..

    yes, you know your son better than anyone else, which puts you in a great position to be the one to support him in something that might be really difficult for him to understand himself. it might lead to you helping him get a couple of his own things .. but i think its a bit premature for that at the moment. afterall, you dont know whats actually happening just yet.
    but i know at that stage for me, id of really valued someone who would of helped me through things and been there to understand what i was feeling.
    i think support and communication is the biggest thing you have to offer with mark.

    again, it doesnt have to be done in such a way that its an accusation, or a confrontation .. but it can allow him to see that its not something he has to keep to himself. i was really close to my mum when growing up, and even though i knew i could come to her about anything .. there were several things that i kept from her simply because i didnt want her to feel differently towards me, or i thought i was protecting her from pain and hurt.

    if you are here to find a 'cure', then i think you might have a problem ..
    but if you are looking for a way to help mark so that he doesnt have to go through potential shame and guilt and a whole bunch confusion.. then i think that can be done.
    but again, it all comes down to whats going on when you arent there.
    before you know whats going on, then its hard to really plan out steps in order to help.

    communication can happen without having to ram things down ones throat.
    and it can be a really good thing.

    D.
    ~They say I'm different, well I'm not the same. - Sevendust~

  21. #21
    24/7 knicker wearer Helen MC's Avatar
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    Fran is that Winchester, Hants, England or is it a town of the same name in the USA?
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  22. #22
    Aspiring Member RenaCD's Avatar
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    Welcome

    Welcome Fran and it can't be said enough You are a Wonderful Mom!
    And Lord I Love these Girls and the answers they have given you. I don't think you will find a better support group anywhere in the world in my opinion, but there is alot more information out there.

    Hugs to a Great Mom Rena
    And one for Mark
    Last edited by RenaCD; 05-15-2006 at 01:22 PM.

  23. #23
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    Maybe just playing

    I suspect he could just be playing. He could be experimenting into his sexuality, having woman’s underwear can be a turn.

    He is at the age where the hormones start moving and he is probably confused, but not necessarily gender confused. I suspect if he had female feelings you would have know by now.

    Do not ask him about it he would be too embarrassed and not tell you.

    Also there is a slight chance is a dare or initiation from one of his friends or a “club”. Just keep an open mind.

  24. #24
    Member kristine239's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Pennsylvania
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    127

    Pflag

    I am not sure if you live in the US or UK. Your info does not tell me that.

    If you are in the US there is a lot of resources that are available to you. Even if you live in the UK I suggest you Google PFLAG. They have a lot of information on Trans-Youth and parents of trans youth.

    Kristine

  25. #25
    On the Capn's Ship Kimberley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
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    Between a Rock and a Hard Place
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    2,068
    I started as early as my earliest memories. Unfortunately my mother didnt have the same idea as you. Back then we were considered mentally ill. Believe it, that attitude has caused many of us some depression of varying degrees.

    The one common thread you will find is the terrible trio: Guilt, shame and fear. These things create a vicious cycle that can lead to further problems so having said that, let him pick his way with your support. As it was said he is probably experimenting but he may not be either. Adolescence is a very common age for CDing to start.

    You need to treat this very gently. I think I would like to ask how he presents himself normally? Does he have feminine characteristics of manner or dress otherwise? This could be a big clue for you. What are his interests? Please do not confuse sexuality and gender. They are 2 very different spheres.

    Another major problem is that of theft. Yes it is at home for now but what happens if or when he goes farther afield. Getting caught could be disastrous in more ways than you can imagine. Particularly if he ends up in the juvenile detention system.

    As you can see there are many many pitfalls and you really need to handle this with kid gloves. The one thing you must not do is embarass him in any way. It was earlier pointed out that you might want to enlist his opinions. While this may give you a clue to his tastes it doesnt do much to open the door.

    I might suggest that you rent a movie like Transamerica (among others) to begin an open dialogue with him. It is less confrontational and does give him the opportunity to express his opinions. Check it out yourself first. He may not have the maturity to understand it yet.

    While all of this is good, probably the best thing you can do for both of you is to get actively involved with the GG section here. As Cheery said it has helped her immensely and I know of others as well. These ladies have a unique perspective and a lot to offer both in guidance and support. Learn as much as you can.

    This could very well be a turning point for him and you need to prepare yourself as much as him. This life can be tough but also very enriching. Much of it will depend on how you and he go through this together.

    I wish you the very best in this, but please dont go it alone. Enlist the help of others as well as your son.

    Kimberley.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    www.transgenderlondon.com

    Venus and Mars are not aligned; Good thing.
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    I may not soar with eagles, but then weasels dont get sucked into jet engines...

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