From a concerned mum

[fran]

Hiya all. I am a new member and have been pointed to this site for help and support. I do not know if I am in the right section so please understand. I am a 32 year old single mum with a 13 year old son called mark. We live in a small flat in Winchester and have settled well since mark’s dad left us 5 years ago and the divorce in 2002. mark is happy in school and I have a steady job. My reason for posting this meassge is that I have a suspicion that Mark is taking my clothes and I am looking for advice. Things have gone missing for short periods, some for longer, over the last 18 months and I have a stronger feeling now that things are definitely not right. You know the kind of thing I guess. My undies are not in the same place as I have tidied thenm away. Shoes knocked over or moved. Creases in skirts and dresses when I know I have not worn them since washing and ironing them. Female intuition. Lol. I don’t want to confront mark until the right time. I know it must be him as we live alone and I only let him have friends around when I am home. I really don’t know what to do and in such a pickle thinking about all of this. A friend of mine said I should buy Mark some things for him, undies, nightie, blouses and skirts etc but I am not sure if that is what is right for mark. Wil he want to wear all the time? That would be impossible of course. Why would he want to wear women’s clothes? I wonder if the divorce is to blame. Or me in some way. Is he wanting to get closer to me? I really don’t know what to say to him. Do I confront him even though I know he is helping himself to my undies and other clothes? my friends have said leave alone but I am not happy not knowing what is happening while I am out at work. Should I even be bothered? One friend even said I should pop into a lingerie section when he is with me shopping and offer to buy him some! But I am not sure the shock treatment would work the right way. What if he said yes! If anyone can help me you would take a weight off my mind. Fran xx

[suezeq]

buy him some and leave them in his room and see what happens then have a talk with him

[AnnaMaria]

Fran,

First you have to know that in all likelyhood nothing that you have done or not done has caused what you suspect is going on with your son. At least that is the general consensus. If in fact he is a transgender then there is nothing that you can do that will change who he is or what he will eventually go through as a result of this fact. I know that sounds really scary for you and for him but the truth sometimes is.

I am a father of two wonderful kids and I am also a TG but my kids don't know about me. If I found out that one of my kids was doing the things that you suspect your son to be doing I think that I would have to confront the child with the information but not without making sure that I have some kind of written resource to give the child that could help them understand what they are feeling. There are a number of good books on the market that are aimed toward adults about the subject but I am not really sure about ones that would be good for a 13yo. But above all you have to be gental with him because right not he is just starting to discover a part of himself that will more than likely be a very strong influence in his life for the rest of his life.

I would say that the first step would be for you to find a book for yourself so that you have a better understanding of what he is going through. I say better because unless you are a tg yourself you will never completely understand what he is feeling. Then sit him down and talk to him about it at a time when you are not upset or tired from work or something else that is going on in your lives. Gently explain to him about what you have read and that you know that he has been wearing your clothes. Then let him know that this is unexceptable and that if he wants to continue to dress as a girl that you will get him he's own things. They don't have to be expensive but it would probably help if you let him pick them out. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of taking him shopping with you take notice of the things that he has been borrowing from you. That might give you some indication of the types of things that he likes.

The other possibility is that he is simply exploring his sexuallity and that he will grow out of this before long. Though I doubt this one very much sense you mentioned in your post that it has been going on for some time now.

But above all you have to realize that he is not broken and you can't fix him so don't freak out thinking that you can or that you have done something wrong. I realize that the society that we live in does not allow for such behavior from our "males" but it is something that is more pervasive than you think. One way to look at the situation is that you are not loosing a son, you are gaining a daughter that you will be more able to communicate with and share with. Once he is aware that you are not going to freak out and reject him because of who he is he will probably open up to you more and you will be able to talk to him about what he is feeling more easily.

I know that this is a lot to take in right now especially considering your circumstances, but believe me it is better that you deal with this now than to just forbide him to do this and find out later that he is doing it behind your back and that he is holding on to some feelings of anger as a result of your rejection of the situation. The other thing is that you should not tell his father about it unless you have no choice because the average father is more likely to instantly reject this behavior and the person involved than a mother is. Unless you know for sure that the father will be understanding. But I would say that you should allow your son to make the choice as to when to tell his father about it.

Another option would be to find a counsler that has some experience with such things for you and your son to see. That may take some doing but in the long term it will be helpful to both of you. But don't take him to just anyone because the average shrink will want to fix him with meds and such and that will only create more problems. You will have to find someone who specializes in dealing with transgender related issues.

I hope that something that I have said will help you and him. If you have any further questions or concerns please feel free to post again or you can contact me directly if you would like. I can put you in touch with my wife also if you would like and I might be able to even put you in touch with my mom who knows about me as well. I am sure that she would be more than willing to talk with you about the subject. Just let me know if I can help any further.

Good luck and all my best

Anna

annamaria_25@hotmail.com

[ShortSkirt]

I wouldn't push anything. I'd ask his opinion on certain things when the time was right, but I'd never confront him. Chances are he's embarrassed and would feel ashamed. It would be more likely that he'd lie than admit to it at this stage. Just let him be himself and try to guide him in his life and choices, and he'll always know your there for him. When he's ready, whenever that may be, I'm sure he'll let you know, somehow. :winking:

It is possible he does do this for stress relief, but that won't be his main motivation for it.

[FionaAlexis]

Personally I believe that, if he is crossdressing at age 13, then he probably has some gender issue. I was never aware of too many young teen males who cross dress merely to experiment - maybe I don't get around enough. Young male teens are very much concerned about appearance and being different - but this is possibly cross dressing in secret - not flaunting some Marilyn Manson look with his mates.

I guess you have to look at what else is happening in his life - is he shy? becoming more withdrawn? not mixing well with other teen boys? seeking out more time alone at home? These are some of the signals for deeper gender dysphoria and a pre-occupation with cross dressing.

If all is well in his school life and general social life then there probably is not a lot to worry about.

So far as broaching the subject with him - I'm not sure - the direct approach is likely to get a defensive response - that is true. But maybe that's your answer. And, to be honest Fran, I'm not sure what result you're after - well I think you you're hopeful that he isn't TG or a CD-er. And, if he is, he won't be cured by shock tactics. Indirect approaches usually miss the target or he will find them easy to evade. Coming home unexpectedly is a pretty good way to find out. I know I'm out of step with the others but I think kids are a bit more resilient - plus if there is a gender issue best to deal with it out in the open.

Fiona xx

[EricaCD]

Well the others have pretty much said it all:

1. First, he may or may not be a CD. At this point he may not even know.
2. If he is, it has nothing to do with you, the divorce or anything like that. Not only should you not blame yourself, but I think you are to be commended for taking the time to reflect/learn/understand before immediately approaching your son.
3. I would not confront him at this point. I would, however, suggest that you continue your own reading on this forum and on other support sites. The best thing you can do for your son is to prepare yourself--if you are really in a position where you can accept him as a cd, then it will make life much easier if you do "happen in" on him while dressed.

Good luck!
Erica

[Tracy_Victoria]

Wow Fran what a wonderful mum you are! Well done for not diving of the deep end.

I think if you confront mark, his pride may lead him to deny it, maybe another way forward, ir clearly you have internet access, why not browse the site, whiles he is about and broach the subject if he raises it, if he asks why your looking just say your curious and (if you really see it as no big thing, then tell him!)

the fact as simple really

If he is crossdressing then he probably won't stop just because you confront him.

If he is wearing your clothes (dresses, skirts, etc) then this is not just a panty growing up (maturing thing) so it's a case of finding how far he really wants this to go.

I don't think we should be saying to you, encourage him, as some boys do this and grow out of it others don't but I think you should make him away your clothes are off limits (but some of your cast off are not) How ever that might not stop him from using them.

If it happened to me (and My SO has mentioned this as well!) and being a cross dresser myself, I'd give them some cast off, maybe a dressing up box with some thing from charity shops in his size, show him it no big deal but explain it something he need to be aware that not all people understand this need. it may help you to read this as well which is my bio, as you can see from this sometimes there is more that just dressing up to this.

http://crossdressers-forum.com/forum...pic.php?t=6527

Every word in that Bio is true, I've left a few bits out, but nothing is made up, I have no need to make things up, but my desire to go out dressed started when i was very young, and has been there ever since!!!

My advice is let him play, but don't take your interest to far, he is still young, he is testing his sexuality, all you need to do is be a friend, make sure he can do this if he wants and if not, he will stop by himself, or carry on and have a real cool mums support hopefully?. to give you the best example I can, I have never Smoked, Both my Parents, and my grand parents did, but when I was nine, my father told me, " if you want to smoke son, Smoke, I don't give a damn, I started at nine, and if you want to, do so, but you don't need to hide it" Hence, I never started, as it was something I had free access to, as it was not Taboo, or off limits and i made my own choice. Which clear is what mark needs to do here!

Maybe you could sort a big box of your unwanted stuff in to a box, tell him it's going to a charity shop, but never take it, he can dress and then throw it all back in, and not have to try to cover his tracks with you, which at the moment, he clearly is not doing well anyway.

basically let him lead, but be there to answer, and certain feel free to ask us for advice, but always get the views of several people over one, then go with you gut feeling of which one is right!

Good luck. feel free to PM me if I can help in anyway.

[Tracy_Victoria]

Personally I believe that, if he is crossdressing at age 13, then he probably has some gender issue. I was never aware of too many young teen males who cross dress merely to experiment

Fiona xx

I have to give and quote my Example here, I was certainly crossdressing as young as 8, dressing fully by the age of 12 to 13, and passed out, for the the thrill of it, ie dressed as a woman at the age of 15. I have no gender issues (i'm a TV not a TS), and my action were purely for the fun of doing it.

[Billijo49504]

Hi, I know what I wished my mother would have done. I wish she would have offered to buy me some things of my own. But no, she accused me of stealing her things and tried to shame me out of it. From then on, I left her thing alone. We had a few neighbors who left their laundry on the line over night. So I went shopping at night. Good luck.. .BJ

[Lawren]

Speaking strictly from my own experience, I was crossdressing at 13 because I was not very popular and was compensating for the lack of a girlfriend. Had I been confronted about it I would have reacted very badly. I would suggest being very subtle about confirming his interest in CDing before taking any overt action.

In any case, I do not think that this is the result of the divorce or anything you have done.

[Nigella]

Hi Fran, Welcome to the Forum.

Mark may be at that stage where he is doing nothing more than experimenting, not every boy, or girl for that matter, who tries on their mothers clothing goes onto become a Crossdresser. He is a young adolescent, just going into puberty and finding his feet in a whole new area.

Direct confrontation is not the answer and neither is a "shock treatment". You will know when the right time will be to talk to him about your concerns/suspicions, no-one else can tell you that, he is your son.

You or the divorce are not to blame, I believe that every boy at sometime in their lives go and try on some sexy undies or mums clothing.

If you are able, try to get him to talk to you, maybe ask his opinion on a new skirt, or a pretty blouse.

One question you should ask yourself, If Mark is doing this, how do you feel deep down, can you support him, or will you just try to ignore it? Get clear in your mind and heart on how you will deal with the possibility that Mark is a crossdresser, then go from there.

Many more members here will also offer advice and encouragement, some will have been in the same situation as you. This is a delicate situation and I wish you well.

[urban gypsy]

Hi I have to agree with Nigella at his age he probably experimenting, and he may never become a crossdresser, but it might be his way of escaping stresses and strains of being a teenager. For the time being I would let sleeping dogs lie, and give it another couple of months and see if it settles down or stops. as confronting it now could cause alot of embrassment and possible resentment.

[Natalie tv]

I agree with the above, Mark is young and his body is going through changes, he will expeiment and that doesnt make it wrong. I did the same when i was younger as im sure do a lot of people. Dont use the shock treatment, that could push him away. Let it be for now, if he wants to confide in you at some point, then you can be prepared for it.

[janedoe311]

I suspect he could just be playing. He could be experimenting into his sexuality, having woman’s underwear can be a turn.

He is at the age where the hormones start moving and he is probably confused, but not necessarily gender confused. I suspect if he had female feelings you would have know by now.

Do not ask him about it he would be too embarrassed and not tell you.

Also there is a slight chance is a dare or initiation from one of his friends or a “club”. Just keep an open mind.

[kristine239]

I am not sure if you live in the US or UK. Your info does not tell me that.

If you are in the US there is a lot of resources that are available to you. Even if you live in the UK I suggest you Google PFLAG. They have a lot of information on Trans-Youth and parents of trans youth.

Kristine

[Forum Admin]

This thread has been closed until futher notice. This is due to some recent information regarding the poster.

[Emma_Forbes]

Hi Fran,

I'm afraid I can't agree with those who suggest buying something. Whilst it's a lovely idea, I think it's fraught with danger. First, you may be wrong. Second he may react very negatively. Thirdly, a gift might be misinterpreted and could be far more damaging in the long run. I think it is unlikely that it will prompt any kind of positive conversation.

Having said that, conversation has to be the best way of approaching it and I think the advice contained in the answers already given is very sound.

There will be plenty of time and opportunity for gifts later.

All the best

Em

[HaleyPink2000]

Maybe buy a couple of movies that are Cross Dressing based. There are many out there. Play one once and a while see how He reacts. Like a new one out is called Natural. A very good movie!!! 5 stars from me for that one.

He's old enough to have the sex talk with BTW. My Parents never did talk to me about sex. I had to figure it out myself. How do we learn, doing it wrong one or more times. LOL

Be His friend, Don't feel this is bad ever! Many children find it's a turn on to wear Mom's clothes, and then learn about Masturbation. Rather than having real sex with a GF.


He's a normal Kid and desirves your help through this time in His life. Many children are misunderstood during this.

I would have loved it if my Mother would have even of talked to me about men wearing womens clothing. But to them everything was perverted except what they did. Well what a better life I'd a had if my Mother would have been of more help to me when I was 13 and 14. Being sensitive to me and kind would have been a great help for one thing.