Do you ever get to this point?

[azure]

I find myself wondering, Im trapped inside this body which I despise, and I continually experience feelings of incredible jealousy and unfairness when I see women and crave to be female. I think its when I face the reality that this is a male body and how difficult it is to pass confidantly and realistically.
Meeting a girl isnt really realisitc, because these thoughts arnt going to go away, I have tried ignoring them, but they come back as strong as ever, and most girls I know of just want to meet a tall dark handsome successful blah blah blah etc etc and not a a person who experiences overwhelming feelings of being female and have a sexuality which isnt buried deep into the heterosexual side of the division. So the question revolves around ; Im not meant to be male, but the process of becoming female is flawed and requires the inner resources and willpower of a super hero, so what am I actually doing here, whats my purpose, what am I, if I become the woman I am I face a life of acute problems and trauma, if I live as this demoralised dissepowered, disintergrated person who lives in a constant torrent of gender dysphoria, this isnt living. Sorry Im not making much sense.
I think I'd like to know do any other girls on here experience these type of thoughs, how do you deal with them.
thankyou.

[~Kitty GG~]

Its ok to not make sense.

Sometimes you need to bounce all your non-sensical thoughts off someone else to find answers.. or at least clues to answers.

From what you say, you're totally unhappy as things stand. So I'm wondering why you think that going for the female body would be any worse?

Considering the options that are available now, do you have any ideas of what is the best one for you? I know that short of miraculously waking up female.. there are drawbacks and limitation. But we're living in an amazing time. Imagine how much more is available today as opposed to 100 years ago.

And if going for a female body is worse than staying male.. what can be done to make you happier in your current body?

As far as finding a girl.. I personally think that we need to find ourownselves before we can find a mate. Because if you haven't found yourownself and hook up with someone.. they might not fit later when you discover yourself.

I also believe that there are mates out there for all of us. And not just one perfect match made especially for you. But a diverse range of individuals who share the same goals and ideals as you, and would see someone special in you.

Sometimes those people can't find us because we're hiding.. and they can't see us. And sometimes they need the finding, but we are too afraid to look.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[livy_m_b]

Azure - these thoughts come, and go. In a way your life choices are a calibrated response between your positive thoughts and your negative thoughts. It's not a universe that is all or nothing. You get to pick the place that is most comfortable for you. That place is not going to be perfect, but no one's is. It is not helpful to be envious of where you think someone else is - often they are not where you imagine them anyhow. All families are happy in family photos, but we know better. Sometimes it's time to back off a little, sometimes it's time to hunker down and wait for the storm to pass. But thoughts always do pass.



Olivia

[~Dee~]

i looked at it as .. the thoughts are there for a reason.
if you ask Kitty, she'll tell you that im always going on and on about fear being our first and foremost instinctual tool.
i believe that sometimes we give this fear a voice.

im transitioning, going fulltime next year, and i know that i will have problems and i keep telling Kitty that i fully believe that i will meet some kind of physical conflict soon enough ..
but i know that no matter how much people laugh .. or how hard people hit .. they couldnt hurt me anything close to how i was hurting before i accepted myself and chose to go down this path.

it is easier for me, because i have Kitty to support me .. but i know several girls who are very much alone in their transition.

listening to the thoughts can be overwhelming.. which is why sometimes its a good idea to use the old tricks that we were taught .. things like writing down a list .. marking out all the pros and cons ..
its a good way to make sense of whats going over and over in your head.
to me i look at it as though i was sketching out a design idea.. so... i get all muddled in my head and start to get overwhelmed .. so i take out a pad and start to sketch, write and detail all that i can about what i have in my head .. i find that as soon as ive put it to paper - it empties out of my head.
and then once i have a nice empty head (no comments please) i can look at the tangible page and try to work it all out from there .. sorting out the actual ideas from the fears and making sense of what ive had just floating around for all that time.

therapists can also be helpful in helping you to sort things out .. essentially they will be able to help you make sense of what it is that you are worried about .. or thinking about .. and then you may be able to get to a point where you will feel more secure in one choice or another.
and if nothing else, you should be able to understand your fears better .. and with any luck, be able to put them to rest.

i know that it can be very hard .. torturous even .. but please keep in mind that there are ways to help that.
thats what i think.

[Lissa Stevens]

Azure I know what you mean. It can be hard to put into words what you are feeling deep down. I feel this way every single day. I see a pretty woman and it almost makes me sick knowing no matter what I can only be a poor imitation. We will never know what a gg feels like growing up, living day to day as a gg, falling in love, or having children. At times I feel cheated or like I am being punished for something I don't know even know I did. I wonder how can a "Loving God" allow this to be.
All I can do is muddle through each day trying to keep from going out of my mind. Some days I think I can't make it and some days it is easier.
There are no easy answers. Maybe counciling can help, I have not availed myself of this yet as I am terrified of being found out, and losing everything I DO have.
All I can say is we will be here to listen and give words of encouragement. I hope things work out for you.

[Ms. Donna]

I still feel that way sometimes - not often - but sometimes.

The single biggest thing I did with regards to all of this TG stuff was to actually accepting myself for who and what I was - I had spent far too long fighting to be something I wasn't. I had devoted my life to proving - to myself - that I was a 'man' like all the rest. T'was truly a fools errand.

This doesn't mean that my life is all roses now: It's just better - more managable. It's taken a while to get here - but you can do it.

If you're interested, you can read my story @ this link.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Maria D]

Yeah, I felt exactly that too once. For me it was transition or death, standing still at that point ceased to become an option when I just couldn't 'be a man' for other people any more. I tried hard, but I couldn't.

Of course, transition itself isn't the answer, merely a road to the answer, iyswim, it brought it's own set of issues to deal with, and I'm certainly not over the 'black' moments yet; I still get depressed or upset sometimes, I still look like a bag of spanners, but the fact I'm moving in a direction that makes me happy is so wonderful, it's my way of finding the right life to live.
Flawed? Yes, I look awful, and srs is not something I'm looking forward to in itself, just the result (but that's a long time away yet), and being somewhere in between isn't much fun it's true, but it's probably not as bad as you think. It was simply the bed of hot coals I had to walk through to get to the prize. The prize btw was cold water for the feet . I coped, anyway, because I had to.
Willpower of a superhero? Not for me; staying male as long as I did took the willpower. Transition was the less painful option, even if it did involve high heels .

Whatever you do decide, I think talking to a psychiatrist will help, even if just to sort out what you want for yourself and others, and what you need.

Take care

[Sarahgurl371]

Azure you are making perfect sense to me. So you speak transgender huh?

It seems that only we can make sense out of another's post which would make no sense to those who have never felt this way.

Your words could have come right out of my head. Every one of them. It seems so many of us have these thoughts. For so long I thought I was the only one. Then I found you all. Thanks for being there BTW.

Self acceptance would be nice. I have often thought it would at least make some of this subside. Then what to do about the body. I know. I see all the part of this body that will never appear female. The hands, the adam's apple. The shoulders. The..... To be quite honest, it bothers me alot. If I decide that I wish to go forward, the fact that I cannot see myself being able to just blend in. That is upsetting. I think of all the surgeries I would have to have. About the financial aspect. Then what about making a living in my new body? Its hard enough out there for GGs to get equal pay and respect. I know that its got to be even harder for a MTF TS. Those that forge on ahead despite the odds have my respect. I know know some of what they have had to face, and yes at times it appears unconquerable. The at other times I believe I can do it. I just have to have faith in myself, I will survive. Then I think who I am I kidding. Yeah ... super hero.

And know the thoughts are banging around in there again.

[Kristen Kelly]

Many of us go thru cycles of ups and down with our feelings and acceptance. Myself I have been there, at this time I am in TOTAL acceptance of who I am, I am a transexual woman born in a male body, and my acceptance directs my actions in my life.

[SIZE="3"]Give me the strength to change those thing I am capable of, and the wisdom to accept those I can not.[/SIZE]

[~Kitty GG~]

Tammy

"So Often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key" The Eagles

I think we should pay more attention to our quotes.

I think the question might not be "should I be male of female?" or "will I pass?" but "how can I find happiness?".

Also, there are a LOT of women out there who aren't magazine cover material. I know women who's hands are bigger than any man's. Women with squarer jaws and more manly walks than any guy. .. Often when TG's talk about transitioning they aren't talking about being female but being supermodels.

There's a site posted in the Lounge, "transpicture slideshow, that's me, that's my reality". Its very inspirational I think.

I'm not saying everyone MUST transition.. but I do think everyone needs to find happiness in their own skin.. but it doesn't just happen sometimes. You gotta find it. make it happen. Be YOU.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[GypsyKaren]

Tammy

"So Often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key" The Eagles
I'm not saying everyone MUST transition.. but I do think everyone needs to find happiness in their own skin.. but it doesn't just happen sometimes. You gotta find it. make it happen. Be YOU.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

Truer words were never spoken. So many of us spend our lifetime never being happy with ourselves, chasing our tails while looking for the holy grail of who knows what? I know that I'm happy with myself at last, and it's a wonderful feeling. Thank you so much Kitty, very well said.

Karen

[Sarahgurl371]

Kitty,


Thank you for pointing that out to me. I will check out the thread you mentioned.

As far as the quote, The reason I put it on my signature is because it is such a powerful statement. A reminder I guess of how I want to live. Free. Free from all the fears I have, be they real or perceived. So for now I am working on it. I am not there yet. I have yet to find the inner strength necessary to live by that quote.

As far as the looking like a beauty queen stuff, I think that most people see their own shortcommings. I think that even most normal people have things about their bodies that they would like to change or are unhappy about. Some even struggle to just accept and live with those things. How many times do we hear about the media and ad campaigns that make GGs feel bad about their bodies? Now imagine you are in a male body, wish it to be female, for yourself, and see how these perceived shortcommings stand out at you. I already feel like the spotlight is on me, I do not need anything grabbing any more attention. I already feel inadequate physically. And believe me, people (guys) notice these things. It isn't about being a supermodel, its abuot just blending in to society and no one giving me a second thought. Having obsessed about my body for so long, for obvious reasons, the things that I perceive will always be "male" will always stand out to me and give me some discomfort. Make any sense? Hence the passing thing. I guess its my percerption of passing I am concerned with.

You are right that women come in all shapes and sizes.

I know that vanity is not a very attractive quality. And yes there is some level of vanity here. But isn't it true that most people want to look their best?

[FionaAlexis]

Azure,

I think you have to separate the reality of your situation from the fantasy. And from what others can do. You have work out to how you can live your life and be satisfied with your lot most of the time. But you have to be prepared to live your life with less than the perfect solution and you have to come up with a solution that works for you.

If you are able to face the world dressed as a female and are prepared that you won't pass. And can accept and live with the fact that you will be different - then that is the start. If you can't get to get passed that stage - then, to my mind, any thoughts of transitioning etc. are pointless.

It often seems to me, in my own life, that these sorts of confused thoughts - and this overwhelming sense of great urgency to be female - were greatest when I felt hemmed in and restricted. When I made some moves, took some action even though it was far less than I would have ultimately desired - it relieved that pressure.

Fiona xx

[HaleyPink2000]

I know what your talking about. I'm not that femme and It's crap when I look at myself not dressed all the way. I hate it for the most part. The hair loss sucks and the getting old. But I cope, for now. I'm married and for Her sake and mine don't want to SRS now. But If I was ever on my own I would love to. But again. I'm not pretty and not a wonderful looking woman dressed. I don't even have the Idea that I would ever want sex with a Man. So as for being a normal female would be out as I'd not want to be with a Man even if I did SRS. I know I have many issues to work out. But that is why I come to this forum.

For now I'm happy loving and being with the Woman I have as my Wife. As of 26 years. She'd never understand feelings like I have. Ever! I have always admired the female form and always thought how ugly I was and feel I am. But you know what. I look back at my pictures from when I was younger and I wasn't really ugly. In fact not bad looking at all. But why do I even then, had and have feelings of not being nice looking unless I'm dressed. That makes no sense to me to try to rationalize it.

Would I SRS? As I said if I had the Money, time, health and was single. In a heart beat. But there are many things in my way right now. Family! For them I would not do it. I know maybe this does not make sense in many ways. But it never has to me. Am I crazy. I hope not! Wow, I hope not. I'd had thoughts long ago I was because of this and these feelings. So right now I CD and am starting a new life style as a retired person.

Being retired has done one big thing for me. It allows me to dress most of the time. But a little aceptance from My own Wife would make it all better. But No, thats not going to happen.

[Caitlyn]

Hi Azure.
The thoughts and feelings that you are having make perfect sense to me and probably most people who read it.
I used to have these feelings and thoughts an awful lot and I was becoming so obsessed that I was having major bouts of depression.
In the end I had no choice other than to seek professional help.
It was the best thing that Ive ever done.
I would suggest you have a few sessions with a therapist. The one I saw wasn't even trained in tg issues. They are there to help you gather your thoughts and as an outlet for your feelings and are probably the most important people you will meet when trying to sort out what is important in your life.
Good luck, and if you need to speak to someone here, feel free to message me

[Natalie x]

I just want to thank Azure for this thread, and everyone who responded to it. It is, as far as I'm concerned, the most revealing, helpful, warm and loving thread I have read (and there have been some wonderful threads here in the year that I've been coming here). And, yes, I too share your feelings and your fears.

[~Kitty GG~]

Kitty,


Thank you for pointing that out to me. I will check out the thread you mentioned.

As far as the quote, The reason I put it on my signature is because it is such a powerful statement. A reminder I guess of how I want to live. Free. Free from all the fears I have, be they real or perceived. So for now I am working on it. I am not there yet. I have yet to find the inner strength necessary to live by that quote.

As far as the looking like a beauty queen stuff, I think that most people see their own shortcommings. I think that even most normal people have things about their bodies that they would like to change or are unhappy about. Some even struggle to just accept and live with those things. How many times do we hear about the media and ad campaigns that make GGs feel bad about their bodies? Now imagine you are in a male body, wish it to be female, for yourself, and see how these perceived shortcommings stand out at you. I already feel like the spotlight is on me, I do not need anything grabbing any more attention. I already feel inadequate physically. And believe me, people (guys) notice these things. It isn't about being a supermodel, its abuot just blending in to society and no one giving me a second thought. Having obsessed about my body for so long, for obvious reasons, the things that I perceive will always be "male" will always stand out to me and give me some discomfort. Make any sense? Hence the passing thing. I guess its my percerption of passing I am concerned with.

You are right that women come in all shapes and sizes.

I know that vanity is not a very attractive quality. And yes there is some level of vanity here. But isn't it true that most people want to look their best?

I'm glad you're striving to live up to your quote.

I know all about the body image stuff. I've spent lots of time hating parts of myself.. I look back now at pictures of me in my teens.. I thought I was a real porker back then.. wasted all my time dieting and depriving myself of things. And I was so NOT fat! Its only been recently that I've come to appreciate my body as beautiful. Just as it is.

And yes I know about passing. Dee is transitioning and is having all the probs every other TS has in seeing a female in her genetically male body. Be she wouldn't ever get there if she'd never started! I'm very proud of her for making those first steps.

Ah, vanity.. we all have it. I'm sure you have a gzillion things to be proud and vane about. Think of the people YOU admire. How many of them are supermodels? And how many of them are far more beautiful for being who they are rather than just a pretty image?

In my earlier posts, I wasn't telling you to transition. I'm only saying.. focus on how you can be happy. Sometimes we're so busy worrying about externals.. about people and things that don't really mean anything to us. That we forget who and what is important.

If you need some encouragement.. pm me.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[CaptLex]

As far as the quote, The reason I put it on my signature is because it is such a powerful statement. A reminder I guess of how I want to live. Free. Free from all the fears I have, be they real or perceived. So for now I am working on it. I am not there yet. I have yet to find the inner strength necessary to live by that quote.

Tammy,

I've always liked your sig, because I've always liked that song a lot and that particular line is the reason why. I just take it as encouragement that we should try to be whatever it is we want to be (not necessarily related to anything trans), without depending on others to get us there. And it's true, sometimes we don't realize that our happiness likes in our own hands - we hold the key.

[azure]

I am so grateful to everyone who has taken time to share their thoughts and wisdom. Support and sharing the weight of this torrent of questions and confusion is really important, I definatley agree that becoming at peace with oneself and be true to our own path, and not look outside of ourselves and have such a high level of excellence in terms of feminity and womanhood. Coming to terms with the thoughts of "yes I am woman, and yes this is a mans body, and I feel strongly and constantly that I must change this" coming to terms and finding a mid point by pardon my langauge "not giving a shit what the world thinks, and more importantly not absorbing and internalising the supposed thought and opinions of all thise around us and simply living OUR lives and not the life of those around us" not easy, but it can be done by remaining grounded and reaching out to share and help and not be an individual, and as you can see I havnt practised these methods very well, but I would like to say thankyou to all the girls here whose kind words and care have helped me through a dark time.

Today I rang Dr.Curtis a specialist in gender reasignment,I have an appointment in June in London.