HELP - caught - decision time

[michellecd9999]

It's about 10am on Wednesday. I was caught this morning. I thought my wife had left. I got up an put on one of ther nightgowns. Left the hanger with a few other nightgowns out in the closet. All of a sudden, she appears! She had not left and needed to go into the attic (through the closet)
She sees the hanger with the nightgowns out. "Why is this out? Did you take take this out?"
"No" I lied - but she knew. She was in the closet 20 minutes earlier getting dressed. So she knew it was not out then. She HAD to know I took the hanger out. She did not say anything, but I know she knew something was up.
I was laying in the bed in one of her nightgowns. I was under the covers. I quickly pulled the nightgown down and kicked it to the bottom of the bed. She got some boxes out of the attic and left. I acted like all was normal. I know she knew something was amiss, but not that I was wearing her nightgown. I have to come clean tonight. I don't know if I should just tell her I was wearing her gown and sometimes I do that OR should I come out totally - tell her I dress fully (wig and breast forms) and have had makeovers and been out in public. HELP! What is your advice? I need to hear today as I have to tell her something tonight. Would especially like to hear from GGs. Feel free to email me with your advice!
Michelle

[jamiepabicd]

jamie here,

take it from someone who knows all too well about keeping this from your so.
my advice is to tell her about it fully. i wouldn't be "all dolled up" while telling her, that should come later, slowly at first.
be open and honest about the "whole nine yards". she may accept, she may not, as my wife chooses not to. she knows i dress up in private and under my clothes and chooses not to accept or encourage but atleast she knows and i'm not keeping secrets from her.

jamie

[Emily Ann Brown]

Hun, start by telling her you lied about the hanger and that you are sorry you did that, that you did have it out because you had put on one of her gowns and that you do it often. At that point you will have a pretty good idea if you should have put on a bulletproof vest or not. Be prepared for full disclosure although you may or may not get the chance tonight. Go slow and answer all questions as they are asked. Withhold nothing....transparency will be key now. Don't be surprised at any question, no matter how off the wall it sounds to you.

Welcome to the club....there is life after discovery. I'm here on Yahoo IM (in invisible mode) or email if you need to chat more.....ltbemily@yahoo.com.

Emily Ann

[Sandra]

Spill the beans and I mean everything, totally honesty. Be prepared for all hell to break loose but try to keep calm and answer all questions as honestly as you can, listen to how she feels and explain how you feel and why you dress. It might be an idea if possible to get her to join here and talk to the other GGs .

Good luck

[Talon DeRojo]

Michelle - I agree with Jamie and Sandra. If you don't come clean, your wife will be suspicious and that can poison the relationship. Be ready for her questions - Are you gay? Bi? Do you want to become a woman? Have sex with others while dressed? Why haven't you told me this sooner? Don't you know that your public activities while dressed might affect me and my relationships with others like friends and family? What else have you kept from me?
I don't know other details about your relationship such as how long you've been married or if you have children or what size/type of town you live in, but these facts may affect her response. And remember, she's probably having a day as anxiety-filled as you are right now. It's not going to be easy, but getting it all out in the open is the place to start. Good luck.
Talon

[Megan G]

Since I have been recently outed by my wife I can only give you this advice...... come clean with her!

I had hidden by CD'ing from my wife since the day I met her but what I did not know was that she knew about it for a long time (before we were even married)before she came out and told me she knew about it. She was waiting for me to tell her but that did not happen.

Thankfully I have a very wonderfull and understanding wife and things are great, she knows about this side of me and accepts it.She has yet to see me dressed but that will happen in time. She was upset a little that I could not find the courage to talk to her about it but givin our current situation she understood why.

Life is great now, I no longer have to worry about getting caught, no more keeping an eye out the window.

[Anita Mae GG]

Ditto to what Sandra and Jamie said!

YOu have to tell her EVERYTHING, if you don't that is just more secrets and when she finds out the whole truth she'll be even more upset.

Just come clean, be calm and expect her to flip out (she may not) but be prepared for that. It would also be helpful to have some reference material reayd for her IF she is intersted in learning more about CDING.......

Good luck Hon!!!

[Trisha]

come clean tell her all i did and it was the best thing i ever did now im just sooo happy

[Tracy_Victoria]

I think you might be over reacting, if your wife really suspected something was wrong, she would have removed the covers from your bed, to reveal what you were wearing and probably hung around making excuses not to leave.

As Always Honesty is the best policy, and to me this reads as much as you have a need to tell her, about Michelle. maybe even more than you realise yourself?

None of us like hiding things, it like a betrayal to the one we really love, but don't rush in and break her heart. think about your next move, test the water, and move on slowly, like all woman shes not stupid, she will probably noticed things like this a 100 times, but never registered it, to warrent investigation, so treading carefully seem the way to go!!!

how many times have you put a pen down, only to not be able to find it, she probably thinks, "I'm sure I put them away this morning, but clearly I didn't" hence I would wait for her comments on this moring before cleansing and emptying your soul to her.

IMHO I think you have a need to tell her here (which is a good thing) but do it slowly, in small stages, maybe ask her opinion on famous crossdressers, ie Ru Paul, etc, just test the water, but deep down even now you will know most likely what her reaction will be already here when told. if you fear a bad reaction, then you need to be prepared for that, but what ever you say, you must be prepared for the worse, if you do that it can really only get better,

However if it clear you have been busted, like above, you need to be totally honest! just let here lead you'll know if something is wrong or not, and if she is not herself, then you know she is already wondering what is going on, and it's time to face up, and be honest, and tell all.

Good Luck

[kathy gg]

Michelle

It sounds to me like you have made up your mind and you want to tell her. So my advice is based on what you are stating, this is not advice saying "to tell", but advice to a person who has made up their mind to tell.

I dont' know if I would tell her tonight. I mean does she work?..... you could be up all evening talking. You did not mention if you have chidlren....will they be around to interupt and cause you to only get half your thoughts out or get interputed many times?

I would do it when you know you have the time and energy to stay up for a long time. Most coupels I know have all night gabfest on the night of disclosure. If things go well, she might have a zillion questions, you coudl be up for ages. if things go bad she might feel like crap the next day at work. Not a good way to start yoru day, having a rugh evening. Soon as you are both able to sleep late or can take {if you have any} kids somewhere else for the night. You need to be fully attentive and ready for anything.

Also, write down what you want to tell her. Almost a script so you dont' let your emotions or nervousness dictate the converstation. Be ready to sound firm and sure when she asks you the questions we all ask "bi-sexual?/gay?.....srs? .....do you want to live this way?...blah-blah....." If you waver it never looks good. Solid firm answers are always better.

I think starting with " I am a crossdresser" is best. I think explaining that you used one of her nightgowns and then proceed slowly, giving her a few moments to absorb each piece of new information. I think if you hold back on how much you dress it will not soften the blow. Most women jsut get mad that they were "talked down to" with info, almsot like a child.

Also, rather than making this 'coming clean' try to focus on honesty, love, repect, and sharing yoru whole self with her, and that she has deserved the truth. When you start to make it sound like a Catholic confession it sounds full of shame/guilt/and just horrible stuff. But this is not horrible, not in the grand scheme of life. So giving it as much of a positive slant upon introduction will help in the long run.

Also you need to have some 'thought' in your head as to how you percieve her fitting into this new role of 'knwoing about you'. One complaint I get often on my list is " he told me, but had no idea how I fit in with it. He is looking for me to lead the way. But I am still figuring it out. How can I know what I am doing is right when he won't even say what he wants from me now?"

And please, no matter what you have to remember, you have had your ENTIRE life to figure this out....please use patience and empathy and realize that just because you are out of the closet....well now she is in one.

This board has a great gg section, at least ler her know when she is ready that she can talk to other women who are also married/dating cds.

Well....I hope you can gather your eggs quickly.

good luck and please update us when you have had your talk.

It's about 10am on Wednesday. I was caught this morning. I thought my wife had left. I got up an put on one of ther nightgowns. Left the hanger with a few other nightgowns out in the closet. All of a sudden, she appears! She had not left and needed to go into the attic (through the closet)
She sees the hanger with the nightgowns out. "Why is this out? Did you take take this out?"
"No" I lied - but she knew. She was in the closet 20 minutes earlier getting dressed. So she knew it was not out then. She HAD to know I took the hanger out. She did not say anything, but I know she knew something was up.
I was laying in the bed in one of her nightgowns. I was under the covers. I quickly pulled the nightgown down and kicked it to the bottom of the bed. She got some boxes out of the attic and left. I acted like all was normal. I know she knew something was amiss, but not that I was wearing her nightgown. I have to come clean tonight. I don't know if I should just tell her I was wearing her gown and sometimes I do that OR should I come out totally - tell her I dress fully (wig and breast forms) and have had makeovers and been out in public. HELP! What is your advice? I need to hear today as I have to tell her something tonight. Would especially like to hear from GGs. Feel free to email me with your advice!
Michelle

[Megan G]

I agree with alot of what Kathy said, if you are going to have the big talk with her make sure that she does not have to get up early the next day. When my wife and I talked we were up all night long (3am?!?!?!)

Also make sure that you are ready for any and all questions that may be asked of you, gay, bi ect. Even though my wife did not ask these of me I openly volunteered this info and this really helped as she was too nervous to ask.

Good luck, we are all pulling for you.

Trish.....

[Debbi]

you mentioned telling her EVERYTHING. while i beleive that being upfront and honest is the best road, there times that certain things should be told at certain times and in certain ways. mainly to lessen the load of information that most likely is going to be VERY overwelming. Your mentioning about your getting makeovers and ESPECIALLY going out in public should be discussed at another time. OR if you really feel the need to get those out, at least do in a way such as, " I woul dlike to get a makeover someday" " I would enjoy going out in public dressed someday"

you are not lying about thos two topics, and at the same time you are getting those points out in the open, so that she will have an idea of how far along you are. I just don't feel that her knowing you have already been out several time is going to garner a favorable response/reaction from her. in fact, the idea of you going out dressed, is most likely going to open up a whole different aspect of the whole 'shock' of your dressing and just add more confusion as well as possibaly a different kind of 'trust' issue.

as for the rest of your revelations, i feel you are already at the gates of getting it out and in the open to her. so, like the previous post have stated, be prepared for the expected list of Q&A's.

I came out to my wife 2 months after i started dressing. This after a 13 year major supression of my fem side. I didn't start the night dressed. just my usual guy like and told her that i needed to tell her something that had been on my mind for several weeks. what i DIDN'T tell her was that I had already purchased several outfirts, a wig, heels, ect. I just let those slowly trickle in a little at a time. a month into the 'disclosure', I let her know that I bought some new things, and always made sure that i threw in a few of the previous items i had bought. Some may call that decieving, but I just felt it was best to go that route as to not make the initial coming out more earthshattering then it had to be. everything has worked out well. the weekend after i i came out to her, we went shopping for makeup for both of us. a few new clothing items, accessories, ect.

it has been 2 months now and anything that i had before i told her, has already been moved from my hiding place in the rafters in the garage, to the closet we both share.

i wish you the best in your discussion tonight and hope you'll gain some help from the wonderful support here.

Debbi

[bobbipoet]

this is your chance - turn something that appears to be bad luck into something that is good luck - open up completely and be honest - and be patient - we know the reason that you hid this side, but she does not - she very likely will be hurt that you couldnt share this before - you need to reestablish trust now - it takes courage, but all other alternatives will be ultimately unhealthy, i think - good luck

[Bernice]

Michelle, you knew this day would come. Hopefully you have been preparing for it.

The GGs here have the best advice. They have been through it. Tammy Marie is an Angel - her sainthood is "in the bag".

I avoided all this anxiety by bringing it up before we engaged, but that is not helpful to you now. Except perhaps, that my wife seemed to think the whole thing just wasn't that big a deal. She asked "do you hurt anyone when you do this?" and of course I believe no-one is harmed by crossdressing per-se, only by lying about it.

Of all the advice I have read for people in your difficult situation, perhaps the best explanation for not telling her before is that you love her so much that you felt you could not risk losing her. This crossdressing is something about yourself that you cannot change, and thus if she cannot accept it, you both lose. If she can learn to at least tolerate it, you can both win.

Be willing to abide by any limits she places on this. Perhaps point out that if she only this morning found out, your crossdressing does not have to affect her life all that much. And, don't go into this expecting that you will be allowed to dress more or dress out in the open. This revelation is for her, to save the marriage, and not for you. Any rewards for your bravery can come later, perhaps much later. If the anticipated reward is your only motivation, the marriage is doomed.

Finally, get your own clothing! Come on... have some respect!

I wish both of you the best.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Kathy did a much better job of saying what I was trying to say earlier....that from my own experience tonight's conversation will last several days, and have almost a mind and path of it's own. Be ready to tell all, but don't just "unload the dump truck" on her.....be sensitive and willing to let her ask for the information she wants. I remember on day two we were out and she went to the restroom....and came back wanting to know where I went to the restroom when I was out dressed. We then discussed just that one portion for almost an hour. Then for days she didn't want to use public restrooms because a CD might be in there. Just don't get in a hurry, and give honest answers. Being out is the beginning of a deeper relationship.

Emily Ann

[michellecd9999]

Thank you all for your comments. It's 2:45pm now. I have had quite a few exchanges in the chat room and via email. I especially appreciate the info from the GGs in here. Thank you all so much. I plan to take her out to eat then tell her when we return.
By the way, I am 49, been married 26 years, 2 kids in College so they are not home now. My wife is a teacher. We are active in church and community so outing to anyone else would not be good. I hope she can understand and keep it a secret. Tonight might be okay as the students last day of school is today and that takes off a lot of pressure. I need to check with her to see if she is under a lot of pressure at work. If so, I may have to delay it until she finishes up next week. (thanks for those whose advice made me stop and think about this)
I will keep you all advised!
Michelle

[ashlee chiffon]

you're TOAST *as in burnt toast" if you don't come clean now...as any GG here will attest, lying to a Woman is as bad or Worse then the actual breach of trust that's she's going to hit you with...It's going to be rough, but you need to make her believe you REally love her and this won't be a problem between you!
Sorry, but thems the facts, Mam!

[LucyTwitch]

Hi

Tell when you feel the time is right and I agree you have to be prepaired for a lot of questions.

Good luck

Love
Lucy

[Julie York]

Lie!....Lie through your teeth till you're blue in the face......!!








No wait , that's not right is it....

[michellecd9999]

It's almost 4pm. I was checking to see if any other info I had not thought of had come in. Thanks again to the GGs and gurls for all your help. I will test the waters tonight. I can't imagine her NOT following up again as to why her nightgowns were out. I hope she is feeling relieved with the kids gone, but I know she is also under a lot of pressure to get grades in etc. So I need to check with her when she gets home. I am prepared to be totally honest with her.
Michelle

[Carole/CCD]

You have received a lot of good advice and it sounds like you are prepared let us all know how it works out best of luck

[Krissi]

Be prepared for a backlash. Teachers, (I'm a former one) tend to be very protective of their public persona. I can tell you now that she is going to have a huge fear of being discovered. Schools, especially here in the bible belt south, are known for getting rid of those that don't conform to the highest of standards. That is going to be a big hurdle before you even get into the Church thing. I agree with those that said to write down responses, and on the gay, bi, thing don't be too anxious or too forceful with your answers. Still to this day, and my wife has known for over 6 years, her biggest fear is that I"m going to want to become a woman.

I kinda agree with Debbi, be honest, but temper what you say a bit. Sometimes I like to try on some of your things has a much more pleasant sound that every day when you leave the house I like to become a woman. You want this to be as calm as possible. You don't want emotion to take over, so try and stay away from topics and wording that will push her buttons. Even if she totally accepts everything you tell her, remember this is only the 1st of many discussions you will have on the topic, that I can promise you. Also remember there is a difference between tolerance and acceptance. Most wife's tell you its okay, I support whatever you want to do, meaning deep down, go ahead and dress just dont get carried away. Where as we hear support and get excited and think that she is going to drive us to the salon for our makeover and then go shopping with the girls. Get ready for some ground rules, and honestly you should be the one to suggest that. Give her the keys and the ride will be smoother, if she has to take them, it can be a rough get away.

[SherriePall]

Well, Michelle, you're only a couple years younger than I was when I told (read that Blurted Out) my wife. I was married about the same number of years as you.
I don't know why I told her. There were no nightgowns laying around as in your case. But I did. Well, I didn't sleep much that night. Not because we were talking, but because I was upset because she left the bedroom crying. Oh, she did ask a couple of questions before leaving. The usual.
A couple of days later we talked. That's nearly seven years ago. She's still not thrilled. She's still not seen me dressed. But she does allow me some room for my clothes and delicates.
She still loves me and I her.
So, life goes on. Always for the better (whether we can see it or not).
I'll keep you and your wife in my prayers the next several days.

[azure]

wierd!

Hi anyway, in summary of what Im sure I posted, see a counsellor, and be honest, truth isnt nice but its better than lies.

[Phoebe Reece]

Michelle, it's good you decided to come clean with your wife. It will probably take some time for things to settle down. Don't forget that if and when your wife is ready, there is a local group that can help. She can meet and talk with some other wives here in Atlanta if she wants to. Best of luck.