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Thread: Does Crossdressing=Selfishness??

  1. #1
    Proud Wife of Danielle65 Anita Mae GG's Avatar
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    Does Crossdressing=Selfishness??

    I am curious, in light of a recent thread I really began to think about a lot of things I read on here.

    There are threads/posts about not getting caught. About blaming the wife when she won't except. About the wife or SO coming home early or staying home sick and ruining "dressing time" .

    All I seem to hear is "me me me". Please tell me I'm wrong and the majority of you are selfish and aren't ALWAYS thinking about dressing and how/when to do it and who gets in your way etc..................I never really hear empathy that much.....is it part of being a CD? Trying to do WHATEVER you can to dress? I am honestly trying to understand if this is part of it all. IS it that much of an obsession that is clouds your vision to reality sometimes???

    This is a serious thread. I am in no way trying to put down anyone. I am honestly curious if this is connected to crossdressing and if it is some sort of obsession or something.

    To dream of the person you would like to be is a waste of the person you are.

  2. #2
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    See taking away from my dressing time by making me respond to your thread. Typical




    LOL seriously it's not about dressing for me and i can do it whenever i want to. Eexcept when kids are not in school and i have no problem with that. I'll just wait until they go to bed if i'm even alert enough to do it.
    Oh and i don't have an SO so that isn't an issue.

  3. #3
    Gender whatever Megan72's Avatar
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    Tammy:
    I very seriously hope that these issues are not part of our alter ego. I can't remember ever doing the things that you are taking about, however I am prone to fixating on my next out of town trip for some "me" time. While I do dress at home occasionally, I take many trips out of town and dress exclusivly on them.

    Maybe it is selfish but I do not harbor any ill feelings or resentment when I desire to be alone and my SO is there with me. I cherish that time as well.

  4. #4
    No You're Not
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    Being in the closet breeds selfishness, duplicitousness, and resentment. And ultimately, really, it's not anyone else's fault except for the one who makes the decision to live the lie.

  5. #5
    Junior Member michelle-h's Avatar
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    I don't feel like I am being selfish. I try and wait for times that it is OK with my wife, and I always ask her if it is OK. Last Friday was the first time I had dressed in about a month. I knew my wife would be gone most of the evening, so I made arrangements for the kids to stay with my parents. I told my wife that I would be "relaxing" while she was gone. She was OK with that. I want to dress more, but it just doesn't work out most of the time, and I can deal with that. So I don't feel that I am being selfish, but that I am being as accommodating as possible given my needs. Just my opinion.

    Michelle-h

  6. #6
    Canadian in Transition Jenn2716's Avatar
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    no more selfish than anyone else

    I would like to think that there are crossdressers out there who may be selfish and that there are crossdressers that are very empathic (sp?). It's just like any other selection of society. I know personally, I can be selfish at times about my crossdressing. But I can also be selfish about other things. (like not wanting to share my desert, sorry honey!?)

    Perhaps you are seeing more of these threads simply because this is a crossdressing specific board and its only logical for them to vent here if they have a complaint regarding their cding. In fact, it may be the only place that they can release their frustration so that it does not build up and impact their real life relationship with their SO or family and friends.

    That's just one person's opinion. I'm no expert.

  7. #7
    Member Bernice's Avatar
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    Gosh, Tammi! Certainly if anyone on this forum has earned the right to put us on the spot, it is a supportive and helpful angel such as yourself.

    Uhm... Uhm... as I struggle to form a meaningful reply...

    I think selfishness is a common (an unattractive) trait in all humans. I don't feel qualified to generalize about whether or not CDrs are more selfish than the average person. I do think I see what you see in many of the remarks here on the forum. Some people seem to feel "entitled" to dress with little to no regard for how it may make others feel. I don't share that perspective. I think that such at least borders on selfishness. I try not to be selfish.

    I dress at almost any opportunity, even now. For the moment, the house is to myself. Before my younger brother returns late this afternoon, I must change. He is recovering from a traumatic brain injury, and in my view he is unable to handle the revelation that I am a CDr, and I would fear that he would approach mother to rewrite the will should she discover that I did not simply "grow out of it" as she hoped.

    Is it selfish to want my half when the dreaded day comes? (She is post stroke at age 84)

    Is it selfish that I persuaded my brother to live with us for awhile after his violent assault, and after his apartment was burgled, and his bicycle was stolen, knowing this would have a major detrimental affect on how much I could dress? I think I just digressed off topic.

    I do not impose my dressing on other people, not even my SO anymore, not after an unpleasant incident in 1977.

    Do I sometimes arrange time to myself, or even look forward to it? Yes. I've gotten dressed when I thought I had as little as 10 minutes to enjoy it. Does this make me selfish? I'm not sure I can answer. Not everything in life is black and white.

    Good question Tammy!
    Hugs,

    Bernice

  8. #8
    Senior Member Lilith Moon's Avatar
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    I would tend to agree with Jenni...this is a forum for those with an interest in Crossdressing and many of us come here for support. Part of that support, for many of us, consists of a sympathetic shoulder to cry on..or to use a less sympathetic way of putting it...to have a selfish winge.

    On a more personal note...I didn't ask to be a crossdresser, I just am. That means that I have intense needs that are currently difficult to reconcile with the expectations of those around me. I spend most of my time conforming, just to keep everyone happy...while at the same time counting down the hours/minutes/seconds until I can dress without upsetting anyone. Yes, I do think about it a lot and I do consider much of what goes on around me as an obstacle to my crossdressing. Label me selfish if you want, but my "selfish" feelings are a reaction to the conflict between this constantly nagging need and what I'm actually allowed to do.

  9. #9
    Girl in disguise Emily Ann Brown's Avatar
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    Well stone me again girls.......you are right Tammy, we are some of the most self centered persons on the planet. I am constantly amazed at how we want it all OUR way. Frosts my cookies sometimes, okay....a lot of times.

    Now on my mark start the stoning!


    Emily Ann

  10. #10
    Proud Wife of Danielle65 Anita Mae GG's Avatar
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    Thanks gurls for the honest replies. It is very insight to see it from your eyes as I could never see it (obviously being a GG) Thanks again. This is very interesting

    To dream of the person you would like to be is a waste of the person you are.

  11. #11
    Gold Member Julie York's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenni2716
    Perhaps you are seeing more of these threads simply because this is a crossdressing specific board and its only logical for them to vent here if they have a complaint regarding their cding. In fact, it may be the only place that they can release their frustration so that it does not build up and impact their real life relationship with their SO or family and friends.

    That's just one person's opinion. I'm no expert.
    That's an excellent post. Sums it up well. It is a CD forum after all so the posts will have a bias.


    Also, what is often overlooked is the fact that if there are TWO people in a relationship....and one of them is saying YOU can't do something! No middle ground. No compromise. No discussion. You can't do it BECAUSE SHE SAYS SO.

    So a lot of Cds think..."Why should she have her own way? Why is she being so selfish? Why is she being so unsympathetic.".etc when this is a part of that person's personal expression and gives them pleasure.

    Imagine if you love art and your wife forbids you to ever paint. Or you love music and your partner says they hate it, and you must never play music EVER. Or...you can't have a bacon sandwich!......It wouldn't be long before you sneaked off somewhere to paint or listen to music with a bacon butty, because you'd feel that your partner was being unreasonable in their demands when it seems such a simple and harmless pleasure.


    So it's no wonder they do it secretly and feel resentful and angry and come across as being selfish.

  12. #12
    Sandy-NC Sandy2628's Avatar
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    For me I think if only of myself in dressing. I told my wife last year and it broke her heart. I was only thinking of myself when I told her, so maybe I could dress more. I did not think of how it would hurt her or her response. I was only thinking of myself. Yes I think I am very selfish.

  13. #13
    Dixie Darling Dixie Darling's Avatar
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    Tammy,

    I would think that this depends on the individual and each person’s particular situation. There is no doubt that, yes, some crossdressers are selfish and way too obsessive with their dressing. I can understand this a lot more with those who DON’T have acceptance or even tolerance from their wives, but for those who DO have acceptance they’re flirting with danger by going too much into “overdrive” with the whole thing. If all they ever want to do is dress, talk about dressing, think about dressing, anticipate dressing, etc, it’s easy to see why a lot of wives who were otherwise accepting of this part of their husband’s personality to get fed up with it in short order.

    There’s another side of the coin, however that bears mentioning here. Many of us have come out to our wives/girlfriends only to have been met with rejection or a flat-out immediate refusal to even TRY to understand the need we have. Most of the time this refusal to try to meet their partner half way results in a certain amount of resentment in the CD. He may not even realize it, but this rejection of a part of who he is sometimes creates a resentment of that PART of his significant other that is just as strong as her refusal to try to learn about crossdressing. This can obviously be viewed as selfishness on her part and this is ESPECIALLY true if she goes out of her way to see to it that she eliminates any and all opportunities he might have to dress (post-disclosure). This may sound far-fetched, but believe me- it DOES happen, All it serves to do is drive the crossdresser further into the closet and makes him take more precautions to do what he’s going to do anyway. We all know that sooner or later he’s GOING to grasp an opportunity – no matter how minute it may be – to fulfill his need to dress.

    Selfish? Maybe so, but it’s a selfishness that’s a two-way street, depending on how it’s handled with individual couples. The CD who has an accepting wife would do well to take heed not to overdo it and therefore preserve the liberty his S.O. has given him with her acceptance.

    Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

  14. #14
    Proud Wife of Danielle65 Anita Mae GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Julie York
    That's an excellent post. Sums it up well. It is a CD forum after all so the posts will have a bias.


    Also, what is often overlooked is the fact that if there are TWO people in a relationship....and one of them is saying YOU can't do something! No middle ground. No compromise. No discussion. You can't do it BECAUSE SHE SAYS SO.

    So a lot of Cds think..."Why should she have her own way? Why is she being so selfish? Why is she being so unsympathetic.".etc when this is a part of that person's personal expression and gives them pleasure.

    Imagine if you love art and your wife forbids you to ever paint. Or you love music and your partner says they hate it, and you must never play music EVER. Or...you can't have a bacon sandwich!......It wouldn't be long before you sneaked off somewhere to paint or listen to music with a bacon butty, because you'd feel that your partner was being unreasonable in their demands when it seems such a simple and harmless pleasure.


    So it's no wonder they do it secretly and feel resentful and angry and come across as being selfish.
    You are so right Julie, but then that brings up this point.....if she FORBIDS youto do, then why just sit back (like some cd's do) and complain and whine? If she isn't willing to compromise maybe one shoudl find out WHY etc.

    To dream of the person you would like to be is a waste of the person you are.

  15. #15
    Proud Wife of Danielle65 Anita Mae GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dixie Darling
    Tammy,

    I would think that this depends on the individual and each person’s particular situation. There is no doubt that, yes, some crossdressers are selfish and way too obsessive with their dressing. I can understand this a lot more with those who DON’T have acceptance or even tolerance from their wives, but for those who DO have acceptance they’re flirting with danger by going too much into “overdrive” with the whole thing. If all they ever want to do is dress, talk about dressing, think about dressing, anticipate dressing, etc, it’s easy to see why a lot of wives who were otherwise accepting of this part of their husband’s personality to get fed up with it in short order.

    There’s another side of the coin, however that bears mentioning here. Many of us have come out to our wives/girlfriends only to have been met with rejection or a flat-out immediate refusal to even TRY to understand the need we have. Most of the time this refusal to try to meet their partner half way results in a certain amount of resentment in the CD. He may not even realize it, but this rejection of a part of who he is sometimes creates a resentment of that PART of his significant other that is just as strong as her refusal to try to learn about crossdressing. This can obviously be viewed as selfishness on her part and this is ESPECIALLY true if she goes out of her way to see to it that she eliminates any and all opportunities he might have to dress (post-disclosure). This may sound far-fetched, but believe me- it DOES happen, All it serves to do is drive the crossdresser further into the closet and makes him take more precautions to do what he’s going to do anyway. We all know that sooner or later he’s GOING to grasp an opportunity – no matter how minute it may be – to fulfill his need to dress.

    Selfish? Maybe so, but it’s a selfishness that’s a two-way street, depending on how it’s handled with individual couples. The CD who has an accepting wife would do well to take heed not to overdo it and therefore preserve the liberty his S.O. has given him with her acceptance.

    Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

    Very well said and you are right on that part as Julie was.....

    To dream of the person you would like to be is a waste of the person you are.

  16. #16
    T-something Marla S's Avatar
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    Selfishness has to be an integral part of being a CD. It is the most natural thing.

    In the beginning your all alone, maybe for years or decades. Even if you came out to your SO or someone else you never can be sure that you are not rejected now or later because of you being a CD.

    Except for the very few that live openly, all of us live in a situation like this:

    Quote Originally Posted by deborah
    LOL seriously it's not about dressing for me and i can do it whenever i want to. Eexcept when kids are not in school and i have no problem with that. I'll just wait until they go to bed if i'm even alert enough to do it.
    Oh and i don't have an SO so that isn't an issue.
    You have to wait for the right time to dress, while dressed you have to think about when it's time to undress, you think about how it would be if it were different, you think about being read, you are at least suspicious of rejection, etc.

    So, it is no wonder that a lot of thoughts circle around clothing and oneself.
    Last edited by Marla S; 05-26-2006 at 03:05 PM.

  17. #17
    Pleasure activist Rikkicn's Avatar
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    Selfish or self care?

    I'm a cross dresser and I'm transgendered. I now live full time as a woman and my life has never been better and more joyful. I had to give up a lot to get here. I left a financially rewarding job, big cars, big house, expensive this and that, friends and family and my ex wife.
    Everyone of these choices and decisions was difficult to make and even harder to accomplish. The process took me 7 years and most of my savings. I moved to San Francisco from New England so I could be near a supportive, safe and caring community of GLBT folks as well as a spiritual community.
    It started with panties and evolved as I listened to my heart and intuition. I also studied and read most everything I could about being gender different. I came to realize and believe that all of us are the same in this respect. We were meant to be here just as were our TG ancestors before us, that have existed for all time.
    I've come to believe that It's critical to my spiritual growth and attainment to live my life this way. In deed, the more I honor who I am the better and happier my life becomes.
    At one time, in the past I wished it would go away, I wished my sexual desire would go away as well. I thought what was wrong with me? Why do I do this? Why can't I stop? Why Am I obsessing?. With time, patience, study and self care I came to know the answers to these questions and what I wanted and needed to do about it. I needed to be more brave and courageous than I had ever been and lovingly embrace this life's purpose. This IS a spiritual journey and path if we allow it to be so. It's not an obsession, it's determination and resolve. We don't call a flower obsessive for growing in difficult circumstances. We don't call a bird obsessive for sing all morning long. They are doing and being what they are meant to be.
    There have always been those that have been ostracized, hated, and persecuted for going against cultural norms. Some buckle under the pressure and some keep going and fighting because they know they are right and they know they are fulfilling their life's purpose and their spiritual purpose. I won't say that it's not a difficult struggle at times, but isn't that how we discover and learn who we really are?
    7 years ago I had business friends but no "real" friends. I had a wife but no intimacy. I had a brother but no brotherly love. I really had nothing valuable.
    Today, I have more real and close friends than I've ever had. I'm admired for my courage and resolve. I have a partner and deep intimacy. My sexual needs and desires are all being filled with love. I have support and encouragement from all those in my life. I am free to be me.
    I look back and see those that are still trying to figure it all out without help or support. I see us struggling with our partners acceptance, support and love. I see us willing to give up who we are to please others. I see us sacrificing our happiness and indeed our lives to keep peace in the family. I see contracts for CDer's with the rules we must follow and live by. It all makes me very sad.
    We have the right and the self responsibility to lead the lives we were meant to live.
    "Every desire of your body is holy. Did you hear what I said? Every desire of your body is holy"
    Hafiz "The Gift" Translations by Daniel Ladinsky

  18. #18
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    You know Tammy you are so right in many ways, and some of the things you say are so true, but don't you ever want time to your self? I think thats what dressing time is to a lot of people here, just time to there selfs, and if that means getting dressed in girlie cloths then thats what they do, beats having us run to the bar and have a cold one don't you think? What will you think when you got time to your self and some thing comes up and takes it from you?

  19. #19
    Junior Member rory's Avatar
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    Hi Tammie,

    I think sometimes in life our need of self survival can be easily taken for selfishness. I know for myslef that I went through some terrible struggles thinking that I was very selfish and uncaring.
    I have since learned that
    a lot of times in relationships when the issue if selfishness comes up I think that maybe its because someone themsleves may either be feeling neglected or is being negelected.

    In either case I think that there should be away to open up a dialogue and to fix the situation. Sometimes The overly sensative spouse may need to have their needs put first.

    If its the supportive wife maybe the dressing husband needs to be receptive to her anger or frustration and try to open a dialogue. I don't think it means that he should give up his dressing. But a step backwards to listen might be a positive thing to do.

    I also know this. That in my life it took a very long time for me personally to resolve all of this in my head. I can only imagine the same must happen to those we are close to.

    Patience is not always a virtue, sometimes its a body in need ;-)

    I hope I made some sense.

    Life is a roller coaster, might as well try and enjoy it 'Wheeeeeeeee'

    Rory

  20. #20
    Banned Read only BlueKat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rikkicn
    I see us struggling with our partners acceptance, support and love. I see us willing to give up who we are to please others. I see us sacrificing our happiness and indeed our lives to keep peace in the family.
    A CD should always put spouse and family first. Remember, most spouses/SO's didn't sign up for this ride. CD's can sometimes come across as the most self-centered, selfish, people on the face of the earth. That's what is sad...

  21. #21
    Do you have that in pink? Julie Avery's Avatar
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    It's easy to take a cheap shot at MTF CD's. You won't be publicly ridiculed for doing it. No one will threaten to tell your adult children, "She took a cheap shot at CD's". Etc.

    There's been more than a little CD-to-GG partner empathy posted here during my brief tenure.

    I wonder, if there were a forum for just GG wives of vanilla males, if you wouldn't find the same self-centered lack of empathy you criticize as allegedly being characteristic of mtf CD's - coming from the GG's, and coupled with them doing the same sort of whining you're engaging in.

    I am in no way trying to put down anyone. I am honestly curious if this is connected to being genetically female and if it is some sort of obsession or something.
    Last edited by Julie Avery; 05-26-2006 at 03:29 PM.
    "Inside of every old person is a young person wondering what the hell happened."

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  22. #22
    Member stephanie100's Avatar
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    I know Im one of the lucky ones My SO knows accepts and is fine with me as Stephanie at any time.
    She helps me buy clothes make up etc and enjoys Steph;s company Am I selfish Maybe but i dont think so
    Steph
    Spelling bad because the fairies make love on my keyboard.

  23. #23
    That's right, I did it Sharon's Avatar
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    Do you really think CD's are more selfish than other segments of society? I don't.

    Go to a sports forum, a mother's or wive's forum, or any real world gathering place and you will see the same percentage of selfishness as you find here. I read thread after thread where members say how they sacrifice their desires -- or attempt to -- in order to please their SO's, or to keep from hurting them. And there are the great number who dress in secret, often precariously, in order to keep the peace.

    True, we are all selfish at times, me no less than anyone else, but we are also, generally speaking, as giving and selfless as anyone else , if not more so. Maybe it would do well to consider the fact that it unlikely for someone to post how they didn't dress the past couple days because they wanted to be "non-fem" for their SO's, or that they complied when it was requested that they not dress for one reason or another.

  24. #24
    subversive azure's Avatar
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    Crossdressing has a considerable component in terms of egocentric behaviour, serving/ responding to a fetish driven compulsion. The reinforcement being the acquisituion of garments with powerful rule goverened social taboos. Whatever the answer is in terms of where cding originates :genes, an early stage of development, modelling. The individual A.experiences euphoric urges to acquire these garments.and B. rules of society shapes the intensity of the behaviour. C. The behaviour is experienced throughout the individuals lifetime with peaks and troughs of intensity.D. A large percentge of crossdressers experience feelings of alienation, depression, confusion in sexuality, discrimiantion and prejudice, divorce, and living a life on the edge of society. Gay and transendered communities whether cyber based like this or a social group provides a
    medium for relation and communication, however such forum can polarise and amplify the expressed views and attitudes. Lots of this is generalisation, common to all some of the time, and some all of the time.

    I think we all need a kick up the arse from time to time, a reality check to
    keep us objective and earthed, as I was cycling along at 3am I suddenly began thinking of the places in the world where being TG, cding, being gay, holding certain beliefs religious or political will guarantee that you are taken away be those in power, and you are held against your will, tortured and probably killed.
    Is there someone I can speak to, in customer services, I seem to have the wrong body, no I dont have a reciept, er maybe an upgrade.....hello..???

  25. #25
    Silver Member SherriePall's Avatar
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    Tammy -- I hope that I, and the others here, are not totally selfish. I agree with others that because this is a CD forum, it may seem that way. Your concerns about us sneaking every minute to CD may seem selfish on the surface. Yet, how many non-CDers play golf every chance they get, watch it on TV (you know which TV I mean), and then read the sports pages of the newspapers and sports magazines as much as they can. Apply that to hunters, fishermen, etc.
    I do hope that we show empathy and support to our loved ones. I know my family comes first. I have passed up many dressing opportunities to do something with my wife or family. Sometimes, I'll go weeks without dressing completely (full make-up and nails) for a couple of hours. I start feeling cheated, but I have for my family.
    Anyhow, thanks for posting a thought-provoking thread.
    Sherrie Lynn Pall

    Sometimes I make sense and that frightens me.

    Please don't let me be the last post on this thread

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