Symptoms of Gender Identity Disorder??

[maggie]

I would like to know whether any of you share some of the symptoms that have been driving me crazy.

My life history fits neatly into the pattern of the majority of male-to-female transgenders I have read about or spoken to. I have been obsessed with cross-dressing thoughts since about age 5, started wearing dresses privately at age 12, progressed to full drag privately around 30, got married, had kids and repressed it for 30 years, and then have been heavily into crossdressing, both on stage and in public, for the past 3 years. My wife knows about my cross-dressing but doesn't approve and doesn't want to see it.

All my life I have had the following symptoms, which have gotten progressively worse for the past 3 years: extreme generalized anxiety, depression, chest pains, and trouble focusing on work. Furthermore, I have never been able to function sexually unless I am cross-dressed or fantasizing about being cross-dressed. I have consulted a cardiologist about the chest pains and confirmed that they aren't heart-related but probably related to anxiety. I am on an SSRI, but it isn't helping much. I have seen psychiatrists in the past and am currently seeing a social worker as well as a psychologist who specializes in gender disorders. I also belong to a TG support group.

When I am en femme I feel wonderful - all of my anxiety, depression, and chest pains disappear and I am able to focus and work productively. It is only then that I feel like the "real" me and I don't want it to stop. I make a reasonably good female presentation in public. Returning to my male mode is painful and depressing.

However, once back in my male mode I do not consciously want to become a woman; intellectually the whole idea seems stupid. I would like to be a real man for my wife, if only I could stop feeling so anxious, depressed, miserable, and sexually dysfunctional. When I am in my male mode, I feel hopeless to the point that I would almost rather die and I can't imagine how being a woman would make me feel any better. However, whenever I am en femme, I feel totally optimistic and euphoric.

In particular, I am wondering if any of you have experienced the following:

1. Chest pains related to gender dysphoria;

2. Not consciously wanting to be a woman while you are in your male mode - even resisting or denying the idea - but being very happy to be a woman once you are en femme.

Thanks for any advice you can share.

Maggie

[Sierra]

Hormones help me,seven years of them help me feel like the woman I'am inside also physically and that helps bring innerpeace ...But many other things to deal with like breast too big to conceal and consequences .I'am married with kids and still take care of my wife sexually.Most the people that talk about hormones have very little experience with them or none[MHO].

[SilkenPrincess]

Maggie,
I've felt all of the things you've described except the chest pains. But I have had stomach aches and loss of appetite from the anxiety. And unlike most people, who get insomnia as a result of anxiety, I am tired a lot, sleeping for long hours. A major difference between us is that I ALWAYS want to be female, regardless of what I'm wearing or doing. It's a constant. And the feelings of hopelessness don't disappear when dressed, they only get displaced temporarily. I recognize the occassional dressing as a masquerade, because it's only occassional and I know I have to return to drab. I want it to be the norm, 24/7.
Love,
SilkenPrincess
aka Steph

[Joy Carter]

Can't add to anything here because I'm 99% the same, can't give any reasons for it because I have been this way since four years of age, the only time I didn't do it was when I was a teen. The increase in wanting to so puzzels me but of late I have settled down some, no physical reactions aleast for now. So if anyone gets an answer to this please PM me imediately I gotta know !

[vikki]

wow never thought some 1 could say what i felt apart from the chest pains . hardest part for me is being so depressed and alone ive got to the point ijust dont enjoy being around people that dont know me and theres only 2 . scares me to think only thing that makes me real happy is being me and funny thing is i dont have to be dressed fem altho id love to but just to be around people that know who i am in side would be somthing . glad im not alone but would not wish the pain of being different to how i am inside on anyone . somtimes just want to scream out loud and say im not who you all think i am please get to know me . guess thats a very loud cry for help i dream of there seems to be more m-f than f-m i wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that at 1 point we were all female be for we were born anyway

[Sarahgurl371]

Hi Maggie, you feel pretty much as I do. I do not have chest pains however. I do have serious anxiety as of the last several months. I have always been depressive, and had what I would call a social anxiety. Never really understood that until lately, going thru all this with a gender therapist. I do have physical symptoms of anxiety. I get terrible headaches, lose sleep, have pretty bad acid indigestion most days, lately it seems to be panic attacks. I seem to be getting those even when doing or going somewhere or something very familiar. Its not getting any better that is for sure.

I am sure my situation at home is contributing. My wife and I are on the verge of divorce, because of all this TG stuff. I was diagnosed as gender dysphoric by my pdoc. I thought that would help me, just knowing that I am not crazy. That it would sort of give me liscence to feel the way I do. Hasn't made me feel any better though. It hasn't helped my wife either. She thought this was all a fetish, and that as such I should be able to take a pill to get rid of it. Now that she knows its not going away I am not sure what else can be done to save our marraige and that is weighing on me heavily. Having made a decision to tell all to my best friend, my companion, really my only friend, and have this kind of result really makes you question if you could ever be true with anyone else.

For me dressing does not help very much. I used to view all this as a fetish when I was younger, that is how I dealt with it all up into my late 20's, Once I started questioning this all and looking back upon my younger days is when I began to understand the depth of these feelings. I used to dress and then hate myself for allowing it, or not being able to control it. Now when I dress I see my shortcommings, and also feel that feeling of despair. Despair because I am trapped. Despair because I do not think I am strong enough to live my life how I want to - female. And anxiety that someone I know will show up at my house and see me. I am not out to anyone other than my wife. My parents know I CD but do not know the extent of all these feelings. I also feel despair because I feel that I am hidding from the world, alone in my house. The last thing I want is to be alone. I seem to be caught in this very vivid and scary world of depression and anxiety. Feeling like the only thing that would make me feel better is to purge it all, or move far far away and start my life over. I know that purging all the stuff won't help because it is more about the thoughts than the clothing anyway. And moving far far away seems like something I wouldn't have the courage to do either. For me what everyone else thinks is so freakin' important. Everyone elses' approval seems paramount to my own happiness. I know this is wrong, and hopefully with therapy I can get over this unrealistic expectation I have on myself.

I have all these feelings and have only once gone outside for a drive while fully dressed. Its like I have no real experience with the world veiwing me as Tammy, but that is what I want most in my life. I have so much anxiety about it know that I am afraid to go out dressed for the fear that I will have a panic attack and pass out, and the last thing I want to do is draw attention to myself.

So you are most definitley not alone in your anxiety and depression. It just seems to manifest itself differently in us all. Yet another wonderful aspect of this whole transgendered thing.

[Bobbie Lee]

Hi Maggie, I think we all have felt most of what you explained to some degree or another. The chest pains could be from depression and/or just the stress of hiding and/or repressing your feelings. Depression is an ugly thing, it can kill you. I had and still do have depression but have been seeing a therapist who deals with gender issues to try and get my act together. It has helped a lot but I still have a ways to go. I did recently come out to my wife, which also helped. Now we are working on how to fit my dressing and other gender side into our lives. She has helped so much and without her I would most likely be over the edge right now. Don't stop seeking help and talking to others.
Good luck,
Bobbie.

[Danielle1960]

Yes I feel this way all the time. At peace when enfemme and at odds when drab. Plus and occassional depressing look at me (male mode) makes me feel stupid for considering a transition.
I"m so confused....

[michelle19845]

i have some kind of anxiety,i function better when seeing myself as a female mentally or visually.i am not having chest pains these days.i feel real good about myself everytime i go out,but after a while i don't feel as good if i haven't outed dressed lately.i hesitate what the route would be like,but am leary of it.


michelle19845

[Kimberley]

Hi Maggie,
I have to agree with the majority here in that depression and anxiety can manifest itself with physical symptoms.
As to the meds, maybe the pdoc needs to have a second look at either the dosage or the med itself. It is my experience that most docs tend to underprescibe the dosages for antidepressants (with good reason) That said, you have to remember the meds will only alleviate, not remove the symptoms. It is not like taking an aspirin for a headache.

As to your gender feelings/issues you probably identify with some strong TS traits but do not have that screaming desire for transition. This is not uncommon so I wouldnt fixate on it but if I were you I would try to find a balance between your needs to dress and social acceptability. I guess what I am asking here is have you considered a more androgynous look? It might be an avenue for you to explore. Just a suggestion mind you.
Another option of course is to go on HRT. Most of us will verify that a certain calm does occur. However, if this is an option for you please do it under strict medical supervision. Self prescribing can be very dangerous even deadly.

As Tammy said not all of us have supportive spouses and that too can complicate things. Is there any room for negotiation with her? Does she realize how much all of this is affecting you in negative terms of both physical and mental health? Again, as Tammy pointed out this can become a very serious relationship issue that can have either positive or negative results. I believe that a "gender aware" counsellor for both of you may help. At the very least it will allow you to get your feelings on the table in a safe environment.

I hope some of this can help you.


Kimberley