..if her courage holds

[~Dee~]

hi. the ranting below has been rated (C) .. in that it just Continues on and on. we recommend not reading unless you have time to waste and the paint has already dried on your walls.

as some of you might know, ive got a fancy do to go to tonight.
ive spent all day fretting over it.
in fact ive given myself a migraine with the tension

its some kind of ceremony so that my parents can accept the thingy of being made Australian citizens.
so, since its fancy .. im going dressed in the only nice stuff i have left in my closet. girly stuff.

now, this shouldnt really bother me.. ive been out lots of time, i present as female to my parents whenever we visit them .. so it should be all easy and a nice spiffy evening.

but .. my parents have never had to admit to the people outside of our family that im TS .. theyve never had to go out with my all dressed up ..
and thats the issue.
im not nervous about being seen .. im nervous that my parents will be too embarassed to have me come.
we are meant to meet at their house first and go there together .. and im a little worried that my father will tell me i cant come unless i get changed.

dont get me wrong .. my parents are good people and they do support me .. but my father is a little shakey about it still .. i just dont know how shakey anymore.....
afterall, this is a guy who, when we were discussing this all for the first time, told me that maybe i should try being gay for a while instead .. cause its easier to hide .................and this was with my wife sitting there next to me.
gee ... thanks dad.


this probably sounds really silly to everyone else ..
but its just that opening sequence ... i dont know what will happen ..
if they tell me to get changed, then im not going to be able to go - i refuse to do something like that.
i know this isnt a hugely special deal for my parents .. i think they want to go mainly cause the govt. is going to feed us

but i think its another turning point .. i could lose the support of my parents tonight. its a testing moment, but its not testing me so much as testing them .. and i dont know how it will go. and i hate when i dont know how things will play out.

so .. im leaking out my thoughts here .. and rambling quite well ..
but .. its time for me to start getting ready ..
i have to make sure that i look good enough to not be a easy source of shame.

so i guess the main moral is:
wish me luck.
or wish my parents luck ... whichever needs it more.
i dont know anymore.

[GypsyKaren]

Well I do wish you luck Dee, I know it's a tough situation you're in. I'm a firm believer in "you gotta do what you gotta do", and "only you know what's best for you", so whichever way you go with this I hope it works out for you.

Karen

[RachelDenise]

Good luck in a difficult situation. I know you don't want to lose your parents' support, but sometimes you have to be true to yourself.

[Sandra]

Good luck Dee,

if they tell me to get changed, then im not going to be able to go - i refuse to do something like that

I totally agree with you here you have to be yourself.

[Makncheese]

Its this kind of situation that will make it clear to your parents that you aren't just playing games.

They shouldn't have to tell people you are TS, just their daughter. Perhaps a conversation about this very issue with them before you go might make it easier for them. "Mom, Dad; in case anyone asks about me, it would mean a great deal to me to call me your daughter, and if you can't do that, please avoid describing me as your son".

Personally speaking, I wouldn't go. I just hate to put myself in positions where I have to out myself, or be outed by someone else.

[AngelAshley]

I've been in a simular position. Last year, I wanted to go to the mayday celebrations in Cornwall as a female cos at that time I wasn't going out (and didn't feel comfortable going out) anywhere as a male any more, except work. All my family knew, but there were a lot of family friends in cornwall who didn't know. The difference here is that this was something that I wanted to go to myself, not something my family specifically wanted me to go to. I love it down there and I've not missed a single year since I started going when I was a kid. I very nearly ended up not going, but gave in at the last minute. I didn't enjoy it anywhere near as much as usual, but it was better than sitting at home sulking...

[CaptLex]

so i guess the main moral is:
wish me luck.
or wish my parents luck ... whichever needs it more.
i dont know anymore.

I do wish you luck. A question, though . . . since you say you present as female to your parents whenever you visit, wouldn't they expect you to do the same at this function? Personally, I would have brought it up beforehand instead of just showing up wondering if they were expecting me to appear as something else. I would have said something like, "I hope you realize that I will be attending as myself and if that's going to be a problem, then I won't be going." - just to clarify things up front and eliminate the awkwardness.

Hope things go well - please keep us posted.

[~Dee~]

Hi all ..
its 3am, damn cold .. so i will make this kinda short for now.

thanks for the tips everyone.
i did forget to mention that i did mention it to my parents .. i commented earlier in the week that it would be cold there and would have to find my warmer dress and that i had a certain one in mind ..
so i did try to test their reactions.

as for them expecting me to turn up female .. ok, i do present as female to my parents .. but we've never been out female. im waiting until the end of the year to start my fulltime because i still have remains of a beard .. and it will take until the end of the year to get rid of it.
on tuesdays we go auctioning and i dont go all femme'd up .. mainly because im vain and the shadow would bug me.
i still dress in my usual clothes, most of which are girly .. but i dont go there wearing a dress... so to me im not trying to say im female .. im just trying to be comfy.
so considering that, im certain that it wasnt a granted thing that id be turning up female.
but, like i said, i had tried to gauge their reaction .. my mum was the only one who heard i think and didnt say anything negative .. so that was good enough for me.

also, usually when we go over there i just shave real close and leave it at that .. itd cost a fortune if i applied makeup all the time and to be honest - its a real pain and i dont like it. but they are family and therefore i feel comfortable for them to see me like this .. im not comfortable for the outside world to see me like this .. so it means layers of goop.

my main concern was my father .. im sure that my mum wouldnt of told him, and i dont know if he heard the other day with my comment about the dress .. though i didnt say it in secret .. it was open for them both to hear ..

anyhow .. we were late.
we were late because i was trying to keep myself under control .. not out of nerves .. but because for the THIRD time my pshrink called up and cancelled on me .. which means i have to wait over another month to see him for the first time .. and theres no guarantee that ill see him then either .. ack!
i should have seen him last year in Dec .. thats when my first appt was for ..
anyhow .. im getting side tracked.

thanks to my kitty, she helped me get over it and helped me with the makeup a bit .. cause its been a while since i applied it ..
so she helped me get ready and we headed off .. arriving late, there wasnt time enough at their place to even get out of the car - they were sitting in their car waiting for us to drive in so we could get going ...
so again, they hadnt seen me and i didnt have a chance to talk to them about it ..
but - onward bound.

we got there .. got out of the car and there was no reaction at all .. they took it in stride.
so - i was worried for nothing .. they passed their test with colours and im very proud of them ..
even my dad talked to me at times .. showing he wasnt ashamed to be associated with him.
so it was neat. after we sat down .. it was fine .. a bit boring, but fine.
no nerves anymore .. we went through the ceremony and then the dinner (finger foods) .. i kept an eye open and also made kitty keep an eye open for anyone who looked oddly at me ..
i didnt see anyone and kitty said that the coast was clear too .. so it seems that either no one cared or i blended in enough that it wasnt a big deal.

my mum did slip up once .. saying 'He' first .. and then correcting herself to "She" quickly.
but it was just between us .. so there was no problem at all ..

kitty and i even had the CEO of the city come over and talk to us .. so we must of looked approachable enough for that

so, we got back to their place at about 9:30pm .. its now (as i said earlier) 3am. long talks.
so they didnt seem unnerved at all ..
i told them about the pshrink cancelling on me and we all complained and talked about it all .. EVEN MY DAD got into the talking .. o....m.....g.....
offering advice how to go off and get hormones sooner ..
i mean come on .. how kewl is that?

they even complimented my outfit..

i must admit .. im not That surprised by it in hindsight .. but i am quite proud of my folks .. they really arent just putting it on for my sake .. they really do accept ... and thats just great.
i know i shouldnt of been afraid of it .. but i was .. im ashamed to say that i was worried of losing them for a bit there ..
but they have proven me totally wrong and come through as heroes in my book.
couldnt be happier.
(well i could be, if the stupid pshrink would actually see me!)

.....so much for keeping it short.

again.. thanks ever so much for the words of support and the offers of advice. i appreciate all of them.

[CaptLex]

Thanks for the update, Dee. I'm glad everything went well after all. It sounds like your parents are really trying to show you their love and support. And getting complimented on your outfit was the icing on the cake. :dancing:

[Julie Avery]

i am quite proud of my folks

I would be too, in your shoes. Glad this worked out, you've described a fascinating and realistic situation. And high fives to you for your courage and your steadiness in knowing how you like to be - to me, you seem surprisingly young to have arrived at such a solid and sustainable self-understanding, and that is near on to the highest compliment I know how to give.

[~Dee~]

you seem surprisingly young to have arrived at such a solid and sustainable self-understanding, and that is near on to the highest compliment I know how to give.

well thanks Julie.


i dont think im That young .. and afterall, ive known something was wrong since i was about 5 ... so its not like i just jumped up one day and said this was me
but i suppose the best way to put it is ... if you knew my kitty ... youd know how i can do this ..
she was the one who helped me through and helped me understand myself. shes a really remarkable lady and has the ability to turn a situation on its head and show you the real side of it all.
after id seen the real me .. how could i deny it?
then, its just about facing ones fears .. like last night.
i like to confront my fears so that they wont have control of me anymore.
yes, last night i was scared of meeting up with my parents .. but there is no way that i wouldnt have gone because i was scared of the outcome.
it has to be done sooner or later.
and id prefer sooner.
its easier to relax that way.. you arent always wondering. i hate wondering.
but as you can see .. i apparently dont hate ranting on and on ..
thats something i have to work at.

thanks for the compliment, i appreciate it.

[heather_nouveau]

Dee:

I wish you the best; I hope this turns out okay for you. This is a very difficult thing to do.

I'm facing very similar situations in my life right now and know how you are feeling.

You are in our thoughts,

Hugs,

Heather

[~Kitty GG~]

You looked gorgeous last nite.

I was very proud to be with you, and proud that your parents chose the two of us to come witness their occassion.

I think there are a couple factors involved with how well they accept and support. The first is that they love you of course. I always say.. if people really love YOU they'll still love you.

Secondly, you didn't really give them the option of not accepting. You didn't whine and beg and act ashamed. So if they want to be a part of your life they must accept. I'm not saying that you were in their face with it daring them to not accept.

Thirdly, you are living this. You didn't put off telling them till you had no choice. You told them, then you presented as female to them. They weren't left wondering if you really meant it.

Fourthly, (hey its my post I can make up words if I wanna) You have been open with them. They know that its ok to ask questions. You keep them updated on what's happening. So they understand things. They can see how things are progressing and they know when things are tough, like with the cancellations. They get to support you by listening and offering suggestions.

Lastly, they can see that you're happy. That you're capable of doing this. And that you're a whole lot more fun to be around!

Love & Hugs & Kisses
~Kitty~

[Di]

So glad to hear the update......Just brought tears to my eyes.....And so happy you and Kitty have each other....hugs Di

[~Dee~]

You looked gorgeous last nite.

I was very proud to be with you, and proud that your parents chose the two of us to come witness their occassion.
Lastly, they can see that you're happy. That you're capable of doing this. And that you're a whole lot more fun to be around

aww, fanks.

i am very proud of my parents too, im glad that it all worked out.

yes, i know that ive changed ... i know that im a different person nowadays .. but what do you mean more fun to be around? ... are you saying i wasnt fun before?? hmmm ????

So glad to hear the update......Just brought tears to my eyes.....And so happy you and Kitty have each other

awwwwww .. dont cry ..
youll make me feel guilty and responsible
it all worked out in the end .. alls good and shiny and happy

though i have to agree with the kitty comment .. im just as happy that i have her too ..

[Clare]

[SIZE=3]Wonderful news Dee. It's great to see that you have the will to believe in yourself and your Family.

PS: I thought Citizanship cermonies where performed on Australia Day (Jan 26th) each year? As usual, I'm out of touch with my own Country![/SIZE]

[~Dee~]

PS: I thought Citizanship cermonies where performed on Australia Day (Jan 26th) each year? As usual, I'm out of touch with my own Country!

nope .. it seems that so long as they can get an official and they have about 20 or so people .. then they run it.
or at least thats how its done in our city.

id think that if they waited for australia day then there would be way too many people to actually sort it all out.

but .. could be different from area to area i guess ..
i dont mind it not being australia day .. it was a nice little night out.

[~Kitty GG~]

yes, i know that ive changed ... i know that im a different person nowadays .. but what do you mean more fun to be around? ... are you saying i wasnt fun before?? hmmm ????

You've always (make that mostly.. )been fun for me to be around. For some unexplainable reason you opened up to me back then. And mostly let me in. And so being together is always better for me than being apart.

But you didn't used to let anyone else in. Keeping them at arm's length.. not chatting about anything that might be remotely personal. Not smiling. Always polite and pleasant.. everyone respected you and liked you.

Now you've let me know all of you.. and you're letting other in as well. Now you're just more fun.

Love & Hugs & Kisses
~Kitty~

[tori-e]

Dee and Kitty,

You are an amazing couple. So cool to see so much love between you. We need more of this in the TG community. Actually we need it everywhere. Dee you are lucky to have so much support. Take care of that girl!

It's ironic that I have a son about your age. He is now having to deal with the situation your parents have (but in reverse); having his dad coming out as a TS. He saw a photo of me recently and it has been very hard for him. Hopefully I can get to that comfort level, that you are achieving, with my son someday.

Tori

[~Dee~]

Thanks Tori ..
is amazing what the TS thing has done for our marriage .. it truly is.

im sorry to hear about your son.
i can see how it could be hard on other people to accept something like this.
but i do think that most people just need time.
i had one friend who, when i told him, got a little bit shakey about the situation ... but given time he thought about it and settled down.

sometimes people need time to adapt to a situation .. especially one thats so unique and sort of comes out of nowhere.
i know with my parents they thought that this was a new choice that i had made .. that it was something that i just suddenly pulled from a hat .. they werent there for all the pain and frustration that was happening for the 20+ years prior .. they were just kept from all that.
it wasnt just an immediate cross over with them either ..
i remember after telling them my dad was the first one to see me all dressed up ... he had come around to drop off wood and i was working in my usual grubby girly clothes ... so i helped him with the wood and talked a very little .. and then he went home.
i asked my mum later if he had said anything, but he had actually given her the impression that nobody was home.
he couldnt deal with it at that time and was happier to ignore it than try to actually confront it.
now, they are fine with it .. i dont think that they even notice most of the time.

i wish you the best with your son.
but im sure that he will come around sooner or later.

[tori-e]

i wish you the best with your son.
but im sure that he will come around sooner or later.

Thanks Dee!

Brenda and he went out for lunch yesterday. His biggest concern is for his mom. Can't fault him for that. Brenda was able to reassure him that she is dealing with things well and that our relationship is not falling apart.

In the beginning, he was accepting at a conceptual level. But then the reality set in. I know he is going to be fine.

Hugs,
Tori