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Thread: Confused, don't want to go there!

  1. #1
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    Confused, don't want to go there!

    Hi guys, I'm glad to have stumbled upon this forum via Google!
    I am a 20 year old female who is having a totally difficult time with an issue in my current relationship. I don't know if this is the place to bring it up, but I've like hit a wall!
    I have been dating a girl for about 8 months now, it is my first relationship. Though we have had some great times and spend most of our time together, we fight alot. I usually give into her most of the time because that is my nature. Lately, she has been pestering me to change my gender to a male.
    She is having issues with being in a 2 girl relationship! I am totally happy with being female, I have accepted my homosexuality and have come out to family and friends. I don't know what to do, I love her and I believe she loves me, but how can she really love ME if she wants me to be somebody else?! Like somebody I would be uncomfortable being. I kind of realize the problem is her's and her own issues of identity, but she wants me to be the one to change!! I don't know what to do right now because we have talked and argued about this so often! Maybe we need time apart so she can figure out what her own issues are?! does anyone have any ideas? Thanks, Robin

  2. #2
    Part time girl Cherry Lynn's Avatar
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    Sounds to me like you need to move on if she does not like you as you are. What if you change your gender and she decides she does not like you that way?
    Danielle

  3. #3
    Fire what fire. mistunderstood's Avatar
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    I agree with Lex. Talk some more. Ask her why she wants you to change and what she hopes to see happen if you would change. Talk it out.

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    Thanks for your support Lex and Danielle. I really do feel that I should move on but am scared that I won't find another relationship. I know that sounds stupid, but I don't really know anyone in the gay community, we really kind of just see each other.
    It is so nice to have somebody to love me and I find it such a horrible thought that I'd have to leave my girlfriend and be alone.

  5. #5
    Bandit Keith sparro's Avatar
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    You should really have a talk with your girlfriend. Same sex relationships can become confusing with gender and sexuality ( I know). Is something underlying her squeemishness? Confrontation and communicating is really what it sounds like your relationship needs (seeing as you're coming here rather then talking to her about it in the first place). And, in the end, if you can't reach an agreement, then that's that.
    If you feel you should move on, though, what should be stopping you. There are tons of others people like you in the world, and seeing that you are 20, you're still very young and you'll have many more oppertunities in your lifetime. *hugs* fear not.

  6. #6
    The Dude privateperks's Avatar
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    Moving on aint easy if that's what you have to do. But you can't just up and change your gender. To begin with, it's not something you can do overnight. And if you're not inclined that way to start with, you'd probably be pretty unhappy. Talk it out, but keep in mind that if it doesn't work out - you're young and you know what they say about fish in the sea.

    0.02

  7. #7
    ~Dee~s GG always&forever ~Kitty GG~'s Avatar
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    Since she knew this was who you were up-front. Then in my opinion she's asking for you to NOT be you. In the end this will cause more probs for the relationship.

    If she is uncomfortable in a 2 woman relationship.. how about if she plays the role of the male..?? Yes, that's an over simplified solution. And I'm sure she'd be totally against that. But pointing this out to her may give her a bit of insight about how you feel.

    Could be that there is a compromise. If you can both communicate what your needs and your fears and your wants are. Then you may find that its really some small easily fixed thing that's coming between you rather than the large issue of gender. Figuring that out takes lots of honest communication and possibly the help of a third party, a counsellor of some sort.

    Hope that you can work through this either together or have the courage to go your separate ways. Its really unfair to everyone when a couple stays together but are unhappy and resentful.

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  8. #8
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    Change your gender to male!:?

    I do not think so.

    Most of us here are fighting to be female or as close as we can get to it

    Trust me you would not like being male at all..
    If she feel's this way i would move on

    No way would i ever ever change to male if i were already female.

    Hey if you do find a way to change me into female i would welocome having a relationship with you as one female to another it would be oh so much better then any male female relationnship ever could be

    Oh well that is my opinion on this!:

    Jay Suzy!:

  9. #9
    Senior Member Jennaie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by robink
    Hi guys, I'm glad to have stumbled upon this forum via Google!
    I am a 20 year old female who is having a totally difficult time with an issue in my current relationship. I don't know if this is the place to bring it up, but I've like hit a wall!
    I have been dating a girl for about 8 months now, it is my first relationship. Though we have had some great times and spend most of our time together, we fight alot. I usually give into her most of the time because that is my nature. Lately, she has been pestering me to change my gender to a male.
    She is having issues with being in a 2 girl relationship! I am totally happy with being female, I have accepted my homosexuality and have come out to family and friends. I don't know what to do, I love her and I believe she loves me, but how can she really love ME if she wants me to be somebody else?! Like somebody I would be uncomfortable being. I kind of realize the problem is her's and her own issues of identity, but she wants me to be the one to change!! I don't know what to do right now because we have talked and argued about this so often! Maybe we need time apart so she can figure out what her own issues are?! does anyone have any ideas? Thanks, Robin
    Yes, I have an idea, forget about her. Your happy with who you are and you have no desire to be a man or be with a man. Your dating the wrong person dear. You deserve to live your life as who you are, not who someone else expects you to be. Drop her and find some nice girl that loves you for who you are.
    [SIZE="3"]Jennaie`[/SIZE]

  10. #10
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    I would tend to agree with Jennaie, unless you can make her realise that this is an utterly unreasonable thing to ask, and actually quite hurtfull as it makes you feel unwanted and question your relationship. You could be right that she has issues being in a same sex relationship, but I would be gentle about getting her to discuss that.

    Quote Originally Posted by eleventhdr
    I do not think so.
    Most of us here are fighting to be female or as close as we can get to it
    Uhm, this is the FtM forum.

  11. #11
    The Wayward Wren's Avatar
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    This does not sound like a healthy relationship. And I aggree with Perks, you can't change your gender on a whim. This is something that is born of someone after some kind of inner turmoil, not outer turmoil.

    As to not finding someone else...you don't have to have both feet in the gay community to find someone who loves you. There are plenty of people everywhere who will love you for who you are just roaming around.
    Realistically speaking you're 20, and this relationship could fall to pieces for other reasons, if she's not being considerate of your idenity and feelings than she's probably not going to be considerate about frivolous things. (Imagine yourself choosing walpaper for you house.) Breaking up may be hard but considering your circumstance your relationship right now is far from a bed of roses.

    Out of curiosity, because you are on the female to male crossdressing forum I'm wondering are you somewhat male-like now and is your girlfriend wanting you to become more male? Is this the issue or is it something else?

    Confront and communicate your exact feelings to her about this issue, listen to her aswell though, your relationship is a two way street and you've got to keep those communication lines open.
    Two monks were watching a flag flapping in the wind. One said to the other, "The flag is moving."
    The other replied, "The wind is moving."
    Huineng overheard this. He said, "Not the flag, not the wind; mind is moving."

  12. #12
    Swishy Pirate CaptLex's Avatar
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    Hi Robin and welcome: We have a Wren and a Sparro, so I think you'll fit right in.

    You've gotten a lot of good advice here and I hope it will help you. I'd like to add that nobody has the right to tell you who you are or who you should be. It's your life, it's your body and the decisions are yours to make - or, as I like to say, I'm the captain of my own ship.

    I would say try to talk to your girlfriend one more time and make it clear that what she wants for you is not what you want for you and if that leads to a break up, please know that there is someone else out there for you who will love you and want you for who and what you are. It may sound cliche, but if the right person is out there waiting for you, she won't be able to enter your life while you're with the wrong person - so you have to make room in your life for her.

    Breaking up is terrible, but it's not the worst thing that can happen to you. Trust me, once you've been through it enough times, you may come to realize that. The worst would be if you did something you knew you didn't want to do in order to please someone else and then ended up regretting it and resenting her.

    I hope everything works out for you. In either case, we're here if you want advice, need to rant or just want to chat.
    Last edited by CaptLex; 06-17-2006 at 03:09 PM.
    But why is the rum gone?! - Capt. Jack Sparrow [SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl[/SIZE]

    Why is the rum always gone? - Capt. Jack Sparrow [SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest[/SIZE]

    Why is all but the rum gone? No, the rum's gone too . . .
    - [SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: At World End[/SIZE]

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  13. #13
    Swishy Pirate CaptLex's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by eleventhdr
    Trust me you would not like being male at all . . . .No way would i ever ever change to male if i were already female.
    That's a big assumption, hon - there's no way for you or anyone else to know if Robin would or wouldn't like being male. Just because you wouldn't do it, doesn't mean someone else wouldn't want to do it. Look around this section, babe, there's plenty of people here who would.
    Last edited by CaptLex; 06-17-2006 at 04:25 PM.
    But why is the rum gone?! - Capt. Jack Sparrow [SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl[/SIZE]

    Why is the rum always gone? - Capt. Jack Sparrow [SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest[/SIZE]

    Why is all but the rum gone? No, the rum's gone too . . .
    - [SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: At World End[/SIZE]

    [SIZE="3"]Lex on the Beach[/SIZE]. . . [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    Wren says: Out of curiosity, because you are on the female to male crossdressing forum I'm wondering are you somewhat male-like now and is your girlfriend wanting you to become more male? Is this the issue or is it something else?

    What do you mean by "somewhat male-like"? do I have a penis?
    I am just a person who is not overly feminine, as in dress or makeup wearing. I want to be accepted for who I am, not who I am not.
    I just want to exist as a person in the world. I get the feeling that my girlfriend is insecure about being gay and therefore is putting the pressure onto me (because I am usually happy to please her) to become male.

    Anyway, I would like to thank everybody here for all of their good advice, I guess that I am isolated and can't really talk to anyone but my partner about
    this issue. Often when I do, she becomes angry and puts me down, and threatens with breaking up. She can also become violent, which scares me.

  15. #15
    The Dude privateperks's Avatar
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    All I can say is, sounds abusive.

    No one has the right to put you down or make you scared, and your girlfriend least of all.


  16. #16
    Swishy Pirate CaptLex's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by privateperks
    All I can say is, sounds abusive.

    No one has the right to put you down or make you scared, and your girlfriend least of all.
    I totally agree. And as I said before, breaking up is not the end of the world. It may feel like it for a bit, but then there will be better things ahead.
    But why is the rum gone?! - Capt. Jack Sparrow [SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl[/SIZE]

    Why is the rum always gone? - Capt. Jack Sparrow [SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest[/SIZE]

    Why is all but the rum gone? No, the rum's gone too . . .
    - [SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: At World End[/SIZE]

    [SIZE="3"]Lex on the Beach[/SIZE]. . . [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  17. #17
    Senior Member Felix's Avatar
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    I really feel for you hun, this is a terrible situation and I don't think anyone has the right to ask something as big as this to anyone. You are comfortable with who you are and I think she has issues with who she is that she has to deal with. You are young and there are many more women out there who are extremely comfortable with their sexuality.You sound like a passive soul like myself but if this is really what you don't want and she loves you she will respect who you are and who you want to be. Try talking it through again with her but if she is truely not happy with a lesbian relationship then maybe its time to make the break. Sorry if I sound harsh but don't put yourself through pain which ya don't need in ya young life. I lied to myself for years causing myself alot of pain thank goodness I sorted it and that ment a messy break up but Im so happy now after five years of being out and five years of happiness with my gf in a lesbian relationship. Don't sell ya self short hun ya only young! Good luck hun let us know how ya get on x

  18. #18
    Be your self! Alison Michelle's Avatar
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    I would jump ship girl. Like Capt.Lex said there are plenty of people who will love you for who you are. I think were coming up on six billion soon, so catch a new ship.

    I recently walked away from a situation that for years I was expected to put up with unsavory actions and more. Now I have a huge weight lifted, I am a much happier person and looking to the future.

    Run girl, you can do better and will. Any one who makes you feel bad about your self should be avoided. Besides look at all the cool people you can meet here, and we do get out from behind the keyboard.

    Gota run, Kohl's is having a sale!
    Love & Hugggs,

    Alison


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  19. #19
    The Wayward Wren's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by robink
    What do you mean by "somewhat male-like"? do I have a penis?
    I meant are you a Female to Male crossdresser. For example, I don't just not wear make up, I bind my chest, dress like a man, act like a man become a man in all senses of the word. While doing that, I spend most days of the year as a female. But I don't have a physical penis. I am "somewhat male-like".

    If you are a FTM crossdresser it would make sense that she'd want you to be male, this doesn't make anything she says right, it just wouldn't be out of left field.

    In my current relationship when my boyfriend came out to me as a crossdresser I was not told that I had to dress female, but it was implied that I would have to subdue my own crossdressing and take on a more female role. In my case this wasn't an issue though. I was not being asked to do something unethical, and in any relationship with a man I would have naturally drifted towards being more female like. My boyfriend's transition from female to male was accelorated because I was more attracted to men, if he had been with another girl he would have transitioned slower, and with another man he would have become a "gay princess-man"<his own words.

    In our situation this is how we felt more comfortable in presenting ourselves to the world. But again it was very different, I never considered myself a lesbian although I accepted that I liked individuals irrespective of gender or sex. My boyfriend is a man who considered himself a lesbian but never felt quite right in that label. He's a chameleon of androgynous types.

    Basically what I'm saying is that if handled incorrectly my relationship could have fallen into the poophole, but neither of us were compromising our situations so it was settled perfectly.

    Your situation unfortunately doesn't sound like this, so if it's as you've described you are in an unhealthy abusive relationship, but please if your girlfriend is reacting so violently then encourage her to seek someone to talk to, but don't put your body at risk for anybodies sake. Your safety is far more valuable to you.
    Last edited by Wren; 06-22-2006 at 02:06 AM.
    Two monks were watching a flag flapping in the wind. One said to the other, "The flag is moving."
    The other replied, "The wind is moving."
    Huineng overheard this. He said, "Not the flag, not the wind; mind is moving."

  20. #20
    Silver Member kittypw GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by robink
    Thanks for your support Lex and Danielle. I really do feel that I should move on but am scared that I won't find another relationship. I know that sounds stupid, but I don't really know anyone in the gay community, we really kind of just see each other.
    It is so nice to have somebody to love me and I find it such a horrible thought that I'd have to leave my girlfriend and be alone.
    Why is being alone so scary? I have found through my life that I need the alone time to sort out who I am and what I want out of life. You will find someone else when you are ready trust me. Kitty

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