Beware the little things

[sandra-leigh]

A few minutes ago, I was putting away groceries, re-arranging things in the fridge. I moved the bottle of lemon juice, and noticed that there was a big sticker on its label saying "TESS".

Quick panic -- how had my wife found out my name, let alone my dressing, and why would she put it *there* ??

A few seconds later I recalled a certain potluck CD'ing BBQ I'd attended a month ago and had taken my own supplies for, carefully labelled to be sure I'd get them back. Obviously I'd missed de-stickering that one.

Somehow, my wife didn't happen to notice the sticker in the course of a month!

Lucky this time!

[Butterfly Bill]

You go to CD BBQs, but your wife doesn't know you CD? Where'd you tell her you were?

[uknowhoo]

Tomato extra-sweet sauce - T.E.S.S.

[Wombat]

Out with the girls

[Bernadina]

I think I'd be more concerned about the BIG things. Like your wife finding out for herself.

Isn't it time to let her know your secret?

From what other have said, it seems that their most wives have been more upset about the secrecy and deceit than the CDing.

[nancy58]

That's good for a chuckle, but I think you need to level with your wife. From what I've been reading here, and from discussions with my own wife, wives who find out by accident are much more likely to go ballistic than the ones who are told by their husband.

Nancy

[Billijo49504]

Mine told me she was cool with it before we were married. But she also said I could have ended up un married if I had kept it a secret from her. Her thoughts were , if you can't trust your wife, who can you trust. And if you can't, maybe you shouldn't be married....Her thoughts ..BJ

[Barb Valentine]

You just got lucky THIS TIME

[swiss_susan]

Looks like you were lucky this time.

Odds are you will eventually get caught, and its probably better coming from you than as a surprise.

Susan

[sandra-leigh]

You go to CD BBQs, but your wife doesn't know you CD? Where'd you tell her you were?

She was on vacation at the time. (She goes to help her parents.)

[sandra-leigh]

Oppsie...

I have occasionally worn light-coloured polish home on one or two nails, for a day or two until I chicken out.

About 3 weeks ago, I started wearing clear nail polish 24x7 -- first just on a few nails, then on all my toes, then on all nails.

Well, tonight my wife noticed my polish and asked me about it! She wasn't upset or anything, just wondering about it. I said it was nail hardner -- not really untrue, as it is Sally Hanson "Hard As Nails (with Nylon)". She asked where I'd applied it, wanted to see the bottle. "I think I left it at work." (part true -- the bottle I used for the first coat on the fingers and for all of the toes is at work, but I touched up the fingers with a bottle that happens to be at home right now.)

I also happend to have done one nail in a light coloured polish. She notice that too I didn't even try to explain that. (It's a longish story as to why that particular colour.)

She was amused and laughed a bit, said something about it being alright since they are selling cosmetics to men these days.

So far she hasn't made the connection to cross-dressing... even with me wearing womens' pants and jeans.


It took several weeks, but she did eventually notice. Guess the lamp light happened to reflect off of them or something...

[angelfire]

Tess, if your wife had found out, just say you were invited to a BBQ, and you had to bring a few things. Then say you must have grabbed one of the wrong bottles when you came home.

You were at a BBQ. Just skip out on the details.

[laurie_f_ca]

Ssometimes I think we have a deep seated subconcious desire to out ourselves. We do this by little slip up's here and there.. Have you?

The best bet is to explain your situation to your wife, rather than go through the pain and confusion that wi,, uneveitabley happen if she finds out on her own.

[sandra-leigh]

Ssometimes I think we have a deep seated subconcious desire to out ourselves.

Datapoint:

I took a stress day today -- and of course I went shopping. I went sort of half femme -- half-hidden earrings, subtle lipstick, womens' pants that are borderline, long-sleeve stretchy top... with size 4 foam forms underneath held by friction. Those aren't huge, but in that configuration they are visible (and sexy) to anyone who looks.

Got home, talked to my wife for a couple of minutes, and she looked over and with a laugh in her voice, asked if I had eyeshadow on :redface:

I'd remembered to remove the lipstick and everything else, but totally forgot about the mascarra! (I remember eyeshadow, but I tend to forget mascarra.)

Now, I didn't have eye-shadow on, so I could say no... and soon thereafter escaped long enough for some cleaning.

BTW, I picked up a few nice items, cheap... a braided leather belt that's not so Male; mid-length gold skirt that matches a gold blouse I have; a leather-looking mid-length skirt; and a see-through black cover-over with a nice metallic glitter to it. I'll have to be a little careful because the gold skirt is not too thick -- the shadow of my legs shows through easily (so I'll have to be conscious about panties.)
I also got to try on a few real leather skirts, the kind with a bit of a bubble for your butt and then thin down for your legs. I loved the effect, but unfortunately their size 14s were not even close to fitting (14 is my usual skirt size.) I'll have to keep looking for sure, now that I know that the effect I wanted is out there (I didn't want the simple drape-down non-shaped effect.)

[krisybryant]

Tess,
I'm new here but it sounds like your wife is starting to get suspicous. If the rest of the ladies here are like me we're reading this thread with baited breath - it's like a soap opera - will she or won't she come clean.

My story - I was dying to come out to my first wife. She never caught me, but I think she suspected I was a little 'weird'. Recently, I wanted more fem things, so I bought more. But my draw started filling up and it's a real pain to hide your delicates in the wash from a roommate. So, one day, I said in a round about way that she doesn't buy enough satin panties. And that I like the feel of them too. (hold my breathe)

A few days later I showed her my stash of satin panties and bras, and she's been supportive ever since. We wear close to the same size so that helps. And, yes you can share things, just be careful. Like someone else said on here, dress to feel good, dress to look good, but try not to look better dressed than your spouse or significant other.

[DAVIDA]

Tess
It seems to me that your wife knows more than you think!

[sandra-leigh]

Tess
It seems to me that your wife knows more than you think!

Finally :-) The panties weren't enough to clue her in. But I don't know if she's thinking "crossdressing" yet.

For those of you following the soap opera, a small bit of background:

I am "out" in the sense that I go out in various states of femme, including what some would call "genderf*cking" -- e.g., male attire but bulge from the forms, or male attire but wearing a skirt. Or I'll go all the way femme, makeup, wig, dress, purse.
So I'm "out" in that lots of people have seen me, and a small but growing number recognize me either way. I don't attempt to hide anything from sales assistants, and I try to go to our local club monthly meeting, even if I can only stay 10 minutes.

On the other hand, I'm not very "out", in the sense that I haven't told my wife or family or friends (or work). I've told (or told by example) a few friendly acquaintances, all of whom took it well. My direct next door neighbours found out accidently (they recognized me when we happened to meet several miles from home), and they've been cool about it.

[melissacd]

It is a terrifying thing to do, however, I feel that the best course of action is to let her know. There will be pain, hurt, anguish but also relief. The rest is lots of honest, true to yourself, from the heart communication.

Your relationship will be changed forever, perhaps in subtle or perhaps in profound ways. That is the price of deception. The question is can the marraige survive those changes. Only time will tell.

In my case I have accepted that there is a good chance that my marriage will not survive this disclosure, however, I have gained a new sense of self respect for finally being truthful and not hiding this anymore. I don't want to lose the relationship, however, losing myself for the sake of the relationship is even worse. At the end of the day to be authentic human beings we must be true to ourselves.

[sandra-leigh]

however, I have gained a new sense of self respect for finally being truthful and not hiding this anymore. I don't want to lose the relationship, however, losing myself for the sake of the relationship is even worse.

Before a few years ago, I did so little crossdressing that I wasn't even aware what I was doing was crossdressing. It wasn't something I consciously thought about -- it was just yet another way to self pleasure, quickly forgotten about.

I never was one of those who knew instinctively that I should have been female.

Hence, in a sense, I only have about 2 years invested in crossdressing. I could possibly put it aside if I really needed to. But it is one of the few things that naturally calms me down and clears my head; and I'm enjoying talking to all kinds of people after years of little social interaction (job pressures + introversion). And I'd probably miss the panties: they are more comfortable. Can't say I wouldn't lapse from time to time, but small lapses.

Analogy: I read a fair bit, mostly science fiction and fantasy. I was a member of the local science fiction society when I was a teen, and went to a couple of cons. But these days, although I still plow through books, I think much about going to the cons or joining the local science fiction society here or hanging around the numerous science fiction forums. That makes me a "fan" (lower-case F), not a "Fan" (upper-case F). Being "involved" in SF&F Fandom is not part of my identity.
Just so, it's too early yet to say that crossdressing is part of my identity. It is something I enjoy doing, but I am conscious that "this is just me" -- and I have a lot of experience in "If the World doesn't like me the way I am, that's it's problem!". I am less shy when I crossdress, but it doesn't feel like a distinct personality has come to the forefront. Though, I do feel a bit different when I'm completely en femme and trying to "pass" -- trying to be treated as a female. I'm not sure what's hiding back in that corner, as I seem to get "read" relatively easily, and people mostly just don't seem to care.

[~Dee~]

im not sure if im missing things .. or if im selectively blacking out as i read posts today.

is it that you are saying that you havent told your wife because you dont know if this crossdressing thing is really you yet?
is that what you are getting at?

just a little confuzzled at this point...

[Frances1]

Sounds like you are pretty good at covering up your activity. However, everyone except your beloved seems to know. If she discovers this she will be shattered and really pissed off with you. Bring her into the loop now!

Frances

[sandra-leigh]

Ssometimes I think we have a deep seated subconcious desire to out ourselves. We do this by little slip up's here and there..

It's fall gardening time, and somehow or other we had to do a bunch of interior house cleaning before we could garden. (If I work on my femme side long enough, will I eventually understand that logic?)

During the cleaning, my wife moved the box I had strategically placed over the hamper I often use to store my things in. A little while later, she opened the hamper to remind herself of what was in it, and looked right into it and even poked her finger at the top bag in it -- the bag containing my things! Somehow that jogged her memory of the clothes-to-repair we keep there, and she was satisfied and closed up and didn't think any more of it!!

A narrow escape indeed, as I had a skirt, and 2 bras, and small foam breast-forms in there, along with two tops (one unisexual enough but the other not). There might have been a lipstick too.

I re-hid my stuff not long afterwards!

[Nigella]

Tess

You are fooling no-one but yourself. Anyone finding out the truth will be hurt. A marriage, or partnership for that matter relies on trust. It is built up over a period of time, but there is a point when there is no more trust to build up. When you reach that point, tell, or be prepared for armageddon, because that is what it will feel like if she finds out from anyone else but you, or she suspects but you have not told.

[sandra-leigh]

It is a terrifying thing to do, however, I feel that the best course of action is to let her know.

I don't have a philosophical objection to her knowing, and I think if I emphasized certain aspects she'd agree it was good for me.

Unfortunately our communications styles are very different, and I have a lot of trouble bridging the gap.
My conversation style tends to be more essay style, sort of "There's this consideration and there's that consideration and if we balance them this way then we get this result, but if we choose this other way then this problem would occur and we could try to fix that this other way but that would cause this other problem, so the first approach makes more sense...". But when she's listening she only wants to hear the conclusions, and she wants them fast (it's common for her to interrupt after even just one moderately sentance, and to explain that "But you're so slow!".

[Lanore]

Hi Tess
One question? How would you feel if you found out that your wife was dressing as a man and going out with the boys? And you found out her name was Danny. Just a thought.

Lanore