Thoughts on coming out to parents

[JenniferMint]

I moved out of my parents' house earlier this year.

My mother has been saying that she misses me a lot, and expressed interest in visiting me (I'm in Vancouver; she's all the way in the USA).

I kind of miss her too, but... if she stayed at my place, she would see my femme clothes, and my estrogen pills. Based on my past interactions with her, I think that she is ignorant, possibly even hostile towards gender-deviant behavior.

Probably I should give her a chance? She does miss me, after all. Surely she'd rather have an M2F child that she sees all the time, than a "son" who she never sees?

Thoughts?

[Scotty]

Ask yourself a question:

Who would it benefit to tell her?

You've already said she's kind of old school, so I'm thinking it won't benefit her, or you.

I'd say you'd have to make a sacrifice and put stuff away, tuck the hormone pills away (Like I do wh en company is over for any length of time) but dont' stop taking them....

Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor (Heard that somewhere).

[JenniferMint]

Who would it benefit to tell her?

You've already said she's kind of old school, so I'm thinking it won't benefit her, or you.

Sometimes I get tired of the hiding. If I go full-time, what then?

[AmberTG]

Well, it's certainly more dificult to hide that way.
I keep thinking about that also.

[~Dee~]

i have a TG friend who is constantly anxious when her parents come and visit .. even forces them to stay in a hotel nearby so that they wont find anything they shouldnt.
she doesnt enjoy the visit .. she doesnt get to relax and have a good time with them at all.

Kitty and i go over my parents house every saturday for a lovely dinner and to catch up .. i get to enjoy that time with them .. i dont have to pretend or make sure i keep up appearances .. i can be myself .. learn something to polish up my cooking skills and silly things like that ..
i know which example id rather.

my parents can be very closed minded about some things. i know that my dad just doesnt really understand and i know that its hard for him to deal with at times ... but when i went to their swearing in for citizenship, they stood there and were proud of their daughter.
so its worked out for me.

my parents can be hard to deal with at times .. in fact they can be truly infuriating .. but they are still my parents and so i still love them no matter what they do .. and i expect the same in return.
afterall .. as time goes on and i keep up my hormone treatments, then its not like i can hide it forever... is it?
id much prefer to know now whether or not i have someone else i can lean on and count on for support as things come up ..

discretion is a wonderful thing .. i agree with that 100% .. which is why i wouldnt flaunt it in front of your mum .. be discrete and use a bit of tact when you sit her down and explain things to her.

[BrendaB GG]

I have to assume that since you posted this in the TS section that you are in transition or planning to be at some point living full-time. So yes, there is a great benefit to telling your mother. You get to stop hiding and she gets to start getting to know the real you. It will be SO much better for her to find out from you directly rather than through the gossip grapevine.
As a mother myself, I can't imagine not supporting my children in a situation such as this. I'd like to think that a mother's love has no boundaries, but I know that there are some out there where this is not so. You know your mom the best, maybe she is ignorant because she just doesn't know. But beyond that is she compassionate, empathetic, loyal, do any of these virtues describe her? She may end up being your biggest supporter.
If you are going to tell her, do it tactfully and give her time to adjust. Give her a book to read such as True Selves, write up a personal account of your TG issues for her to read. We have done this and it has made coming out to people so much easier.
I wish you all the best whatever you do decide.
Brenda

[Helen MC]

I can see absolutely no benefit for you or your mother if she visits you but can see a lot of problems and unhappiness. If she has to visit you, put her up in a hotel.

[SusanTL]

Hi Jenn.

If you are serous about srs and really start hrt and changing your body. There will be apoint that you can no longer hide what you are. I have reached that point myself. I can not hide any my feminine changers. It became very aparent what I am, and what I am doing.

I wrote a letter to my parents and told them everythng in the letter. By writing a letter if was a buffer to telling them in person. It also gave them time to react and adjust.

They are not happy about what I am doing, but they said they still love me.

That is all I can expect.

Susan

[Nyx]

I agree with both points of view.

You should indeed come out since you seem serious about this.

However, coming out right before your mom come sees you may not be the best option. If you can find a calm moment to speak to her alone when she's there, you could take the opportunity... But you may also prefer to send her a letter after she's gone... Your pick!

[Scotty]

OK Let me step back for just a minute......


How far along are you on hormones? Under 1 year?
Over 1 year?

I would say, if over 1 year and you ARE 100% transitioning, then fine , she will need to know.......but if you are not at that point yet, maybe hold out a bit......

I am not going to transition with SRS, and I stay in the closet but perahps one day.......I suspect my mom knows a little already by the shaved legs and arm pits (Sleeveless shirts)......

You have to know these things and your parents to know when the time is right.......

[JenniferMint]

I've been on HRT since June 2006.

[Vivian Best]

Hi Jennifer,

Many times in my life I have regretted not coming out to my mother. It's too late now since she has passed on and I'm a Lot older now. Why would I want to do that? I'm not really sure! I guess a lot of reasons, one is I think it would have calmed my fear inside which I no longer have. Also, I think it would have given me a definite since of freedom during those years and probably my life would have been completely different. Who knows, I might have really become Vivian!

Vivian

[cindianna_jones]

Jennifer,

It sounds like you have logically reasoned this through. I agree. Tell her. It might be tough at first. Continue contact and love no matter what happens.

But you might be pleasantly surprised too.

Yea.. tell her. That's my opinion. Of course, my opinion is free and it's worth every penny

Cindi

[Agles]

i came out to my mother, and though at the time i felt i was doing the right thing (which it is). i think i went about it very wrong. i started with an email (letter would have been the same). i did not go into much deatale. the 2 main points where to holler back after my father called me gay (i did and still do not like that word). and to stop her an her mission to get me married and out of the house. i then left it to her to come to me when she felt ready. this would have worked fine, still think it should have. but instaid she went to my sister who i was already out to. she spilled the beans. this was where i went wrong. letting her know my sister know. i had it all planned to come out nice and slow. though my sister forced my hand. i then sent a 2ed email. one with tons of links and info. an all things trans. still i dont think she has even read a single one. she has been very closed. she says she just does not understand, but she loves me. for now that's enuff.
she has stated that she wants me to go to theripy and that she too wants to speak to them. thow see feels what im doing is wrong. i still love her, she is my mother. nothing not even this can change that.

kinda what im saying is take it slow. let her no alittle. then come to you. that was my plan. being way for a year though hormones my do that for you. when was the last time she's seen you? she may ask about your looks. i would say put all the stuff way have her stay somewhere else if you half to. just be your self. that is one thing i have been told time and time again. and i have found it to be some of the best advice i have got.

[Michelle Ellis]

I can only say this is something that I think about all the time too, I've been trying to weigh the pros and cons to coming out to my folks, and I keep coming up undecided. Taking it slow seems best.

Oh, and once out I still don't know if I could ever work up the courage to let them actually see me, or is that what 'out' means? I've always envisioned being out as first (and maybe only) being that they know.

M

[Siobhan Marie]

[SIZE="3"]This is something that I'm thinking about a lot as well as its a path I've got to go down at some stage as well. The only thing I can do is take it one day at a time and see what happens.

Anna Marie x[/SIZE]

[MJ]

Dear Jennifer

Hi there i hope you are well. i think you should tell her BUT i think you should come out to all your family then friends at the same time because you know how fast news travels and shocking news travels faster. it was a little different for me. my then wife found out and after three days she went to tell her side of the family that i wanted to become a woman. so i had no choice i had to go and tell my side of the family. years of trying to find the perfect and right way to tell them. all i could do was cry and explain how i relay felt inside . it was awful has if my soul had died. my folks said they would be there for me but then most of them vanished leaving me all alone. so i then knew who would be there for me. was it worth it ?. yes it was i had to do this i am happier now than ever before..

fear is what stopping you Hun. once you get rid of the fear and tell them you will be a lot happier with your self because you won't be living a lie remember self matters and your true self matters even more...

hugs Marissa

[Priscilla1018]

I moved out of my parents' house earlier this year.

My mother has been saying that she misses me a lot, and expressed interest in visiting me (I'm in Vancouver; she's all the way in the USA).

I kind of miss her too, but... if she stayed at my place, she would see my femme clothes, and my estrogen pills. Based on my past interactions with her, I think that she is ignorant, possibly even hostile towards gender-deviant behavior.

Probably I should give her a chance? She does miss me, after all. Surely she'd rather have an M2F child that she sees all the time, than a "son" who she never sees?

Thoughts?

I recently came out to my family,every one of them dissowned me.I have lost them completely.It is one of the risks we take when we let our secrets out.I can live with it,they were bound to find out eventually.Good luck on your decision.

[Siobhan Marie]

I recently came out to my family,every one of them dissowned me.I have lost them completely.It is one of the risks we take when we let our secrets out.I can live with it,they were bound to find out eventually.Good luck on your decision.

[SIZE="3"]Thats the thing that worries me about coming out to the family, but if it happens I'll have to deal with it. I'll have to wait and see I suppose.

Anna Marie x[/SIZE]

[Kimberly]

be discrete and use a bit of tact when you sit her down and explain things to her.

I do think that explaining has to be done... and this is the best way. To prepare her -- sit down, cup of tea (or the American equivilant), and tell her. Tell her everything that you need her to hear.

I don't agree that it won't benefit either of you... it will open up a new dialogue between you. What you are asking for, unfortunatly, is her unconditional love - we're not talking petty here. What you say to her will change her life from that moment. But you need to ask yourself whether it has to be done.

Hormone pills, to me, mean you're already changing your body. Surely, the time is therefore inevitable to tell her that you desire to live as a women, most if not all of the time.