Stepson taking my uw...how can we help him?

[Daphne Renee]

10 is a difficult age.. well heck I am 37 and its still not easy..
everyone so far as given you some great advice.. Its great that you are being so accepting of this... Its not something that comes easy to talk about with your parents at any age especially as a child. I will agree with some of the other in just getting him some of his own girls clothes. Letting him pick it out is a good idea but going to the store might be a bit much for him at this age. Its taken me years to realize that the cashiers really dont care what you buy. Perhaps on one of your regular shopping trips to buy him other clothes you can pick up a few girl things. I know its been said before but I think it bears repeating.. dont treat him any differently than you would if he werent wearing girls clothing..
Its good that your trying to find out so much more about this. I know many cders probably wish they would have had understanding parents when they were children.

[sarahjan]

10 is a difficult age.. well heck I am 37 and its still not easy..

It doesn't get any easier when you are 50

[MJ]

you have some real good advice i think the best thing is to try and get him to open up to you oh and the fact you are here tell me you are the best mom in the world

[Jolene]

I am not much for giving advice, but based on my experience, as a crossdresser and being caught many times, maybe your stepson is a bit scared to talk to you about his dressing. I know, when my mother talked to me about my dressing, i was embarrasssed and scared. And i didnt want to talk about it. I was even asked if i wanted to go to school in girl's things (i said no, but secretly, it would have been nice.)

Its not an easy subject to face, either as a child or an adult. I have heard much advice, that a parent should just go out and buy some "things" and lay them out for him.

Heck, even today, i can't tell you why i dress, except that it is relaxing and comfortable. So, if i were you, i'd buy him the items, and just be there for him, for when he is ready. Besides, there is alot more worse things he could be doing

hope this helps

Michelle

I think many of us feel this way. I say get your stepson a few things. He may outgrow all of this but if not he will end up not feeling as ashamed about this as many of us did growing up. ............. Jolene

[Paula Thomas]

Justamom - The only piece of advice that I would offer (since you have already been given a lot of good advice), is that if you look for a gender counselor for your stepson, you look for one who has exprience with young adults (i.e., pre-teen and young teen).

Dealing with "young adults" is different than with "adults" - they speak a different language, are more prone to "freeze" when questioned, and have less ability (vocabulary and insight) to describe their feelings.

You certainly appear to be the mom we all wish we had (and some did have).

[Jodi Lynn]

Justamom, I can't say much more then the others have said. What I can say is that I started around the age of ten, taking my mother's underwear too. She found me dressed a few times she never yelled at me or spanked me for it. She would just tell me to go change and to please not do it again. That didn't stop me from doing it, just got more carefull not to get found out. I also allways had a thing for makeup too. Yse to use those little lipsticks the she got as samples from Avon. I am so happy that you and your husband are not going overboard trying to stop him, because he won't stop he will just find another way to do it without you knowing. Belive me I have tried to stop many times over the many years I have been crossdressing, and I allways end up dressing again. My best to you and your family,and I hope that you will come to understand what your stepson is going through.

[LaFem]

This is a wonderful forum. I'm so glad you found it. The advice you received was compassionate, thoughtful, and right on the money. I am very proud of my fellow members.

I don't think your family or your son has anything to worry about. You guys seem to have plenty of LOVE.

[tall_brianna]

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but that initial reaction you had and your mum (more likely) had are the likely reason why he is in denial. There is more than enough peer incentive for him to keep this closeted - I doubt he'll bust out in a dress one day to be off to school.

You are not making him a cross dresser - he is one. There is little you can do except make him feel ashamed of it.

You need to tell your mom to STFU on the subject as she is very likely trying to exert her influence on this matter when you are not around.

Other than that, I think you are doing a wonderful job and I would have traded my parents for you any day. Keep up the good work!

[princessmichelle]

Dear Justamom,

Perhaps sharing my experience will be helpful to you: the benefit of supportive loved ones was invisible to them but huge to me.

I'm a male to female crossdresser and When I told someone close to me and they were supportive, I didn't talk to them about it much after that. What their support did do was keep me from worrying myself to death. Knowing that their support was there if I needed it left me free to worry about bigger things: how I actually felt about my crossdressing issues: is it a fetish, is it sexual, is it gender, is it something else?

One more thing: it seems normal to be uncomfortable about sharing clothes. Even women who are supportive of crossdressing are usually uncomfortable with sharing clothes, especially without permission. So I agree that this part of your stepson's behavior is simply a problem and needs to stop. The challenge is making it clear that the uw otherwise is not a problem. And that is a challenge.

Good luck.

pm

[Vivian Best]

Hello,

This is my first post here. I apologize in advance for my ignorance and the length of this post. I am writing for advice for helping my stepson. He is 10 years old and has been “stealing” and wearing my underwear since he was 6. This started within a few weeks of meeting me so basically the entire time we’ve known each other.


We thought he was just curious? Or maybe it had something to do with the separation from his mother and then moving in with me? Is it just a comfort thing? We really don’t know what to think.

We went to see a family therapist, she suggested buying him some of his own girl’s underwear. We asked him if he’d like that and he didn’t want to talk about it. He gets really tight lipped and will not talk at all. He would promise to never take my things again without permission.

So here are my questions…my mother claims crossdressing is a sexual thing. Since stepson is so young, she doubts this is a sexual thing. We don’t know if he is really crossdressing or what he is doing, or why. He will not talk about it at all. He may not even know or understand himself what is going on. My mother feels we are going to push him into being a crossdresser or even becoming transgender (?) by buying him bras and panties. We also live in a very conservative state so we all worry if others found out, he would be tormented.

Whatever he is or is going to be, we want him to feel loved, be happy and know we accept him. We don’t want to do anything to damage his self-worth. So what do you think? Are we jumping the gun on buying him the bras and panties?

I really don’t want him wearing my under garments because 1) I need them, 2) it sort of makes me feel violated, and 3) they are dirty and that seems yucky to me. So we need to find some solution so he does not need to take my items.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and share your insights. I apologize again for my ignorance, I hope I have not offended anyone. I know very little about this subject, I am trying to learn more so I can help and support my little stepson.

Hi Mom, you are a saint!

I can only relate my experiences and thoughts to you. I too started about the same age as you stepson. I have absolutely no knowledge how crossdressing can into my brain, it was "just there" and still is! At five or six years old I had absolutely no idea what sex was and neither does he. I'm sure he is just like I was, driven to dress in women's clothing. Driven to do it, not knowing why and at the same time feeling profound guilt and shame. Could I have talked to my parents at that age? NO WAY JOSE!!!

I firmly believe most crossdressers are that way from birth. There are several theories about why but that is for another time! Yes, a very few crossdressers have been "cured" (personally I don't believe there is anything to be cured of). They were highly motivated to stop and they were very young when the intervention occurred.

I have been crossdressing for almost sixty years. During the early years of my life I was in constant turmoil. Feeling compelled to dress then the guilt and shame just became a continuous cycle that continued for year after year. Yes, I could quit and did a thousand times! And, it just came back, maybe ten minutes later, hour later, days or even months but it came back as sure as the cycles of the seasons of the year. After reaching a point in my life in my mid fourties I had to stop the cycles before it killed me. I had to decide whether I was going to try to quit again or accept myself for what I am. I made my decision and I'm still here.

My feeling is by supporting him in his need you won't push him into being a crossdresser if he is already one and you won't push him into being one if he isn't already. Also Mom, by understanding his needs, providing for those needs, hopefully you can avoid him experiencing a lifetime of sheer agony if he is a CDr! He certainly needs love and understanding right now.

What if he is a crossdresser? There are certainly worse things in life! I personally had a wonderful career in management and have retired and no one knew but my wife. I've always kept it private for obvious reasons. By your and your husbands actions with your stepson you can choose to be a part of his life or you can condemn him to a life of shame, secrets, hiding, or even worse things.

[DonnaT]

I agree that getting him his own things is best. Be prepared to buy him a skirt or two as well.

I can remember getting caught and feeling to scared to talk about it. My mom now knows and is fine with it.

Make sure he knows that him being open and honest with you is the best route to take.

Telling your mother is an iffy proposition, but don't let her derail you from your current plans. Spanking sure isn't the right way to go, as it only leads to more deception.

Some good links have been offered. You might also want check out http://www.dcchildrens.com/dcchildre...der/guide.aspx

Seek professional help if your child becomes anxious, depressed, angry or hyperactive in spite of your efforts to be supportive.

[justamom]

I want to thank everyone for their responses. I don't have much time to write a lot now, but I will be back later in the weekend.

I just wanted to let you all know I have read your the responses and I feel much better now. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to share your insights with me.

One quick thing, we do not want to "fix" him. I totally agree there are much worse things than him crossdressing. I just don't want to make his life harder than it needs to be. He has enough self-inflicted guilt and shame, we do not want to cause more.

Anyway, thanks again. I have a lot of reading to do and I will be back

[psdibe]

As a 52 year old cross dresser who had an aunt who would buy me my own cloths, I truly think this is a good idea. She would buy me items but would never discuss or talk about the dressing when I would wear some thing around the house. My advise is that you continue to communicate with him. both you and his father may want to slowly allow him to expariment with other types of clothes and see where it takes him. At a very young age we know that wearing womans cloths is something we will continue to do. Many wish we had the chance to talk and dress with as much exceptance as we could have. To be able to open oneself about this part of you can be a very emotional and at the same time a feeling of relielf. To be able to dress if you wanted and have it be excepted and if need be incouraged and shared is wonderful. Let the family grow together. I know you have had wondeful responces, from many cds who have gone through this.

You are wonderful parents, parents that all cds would want to have. Your help and understnading will make his life much more complete.
we would love to hear from you as you grow together.

Best wishes
Deb

[Cristi]

I think everything has been covered pretty well by all the posters before me, but just three additions:

1) Bless you!

2) On the quesiton of 'sexual' or not, I started getting the desire to wear feminine clothing as early as 5 years old, at least 7 years before I reached puberty, so at least in MY case, the sexual aspect of it came much later. I really don't know what it was earlier... curiosity?, jealousy of the fancier colors and patterns?, a deep desire to be more feminine? I still don't know.

3) With the guilt that he probably already has inside him about his feelings, it would probably be a miracle to expect him to ever come out and say 'Yes, I want you to buy me panties and a bra'. IMHO, the best thing you could do for him is just add panties and a few bras to the 'regular' mix of boy's things in his underwear drawer. You don't even have to ever mention it to him, he will know where they came from. I also agree with one of the above posters that said that if he is curious about panties and bras, you will almost certainly be missing pantyhose or tights soon, so stick a few pairs of tights in his sock drawer as well.

Maybe later, once he has time to really feel 'safe' with your acceptance of him, he will feel more comfortable interracting with you about his preferences when it comes time to replace the items.

One of my best memories of being that age is one of the only times I was 'caught'. My mother never confronted my about finding one of her slips in my bedroom, but it did get laundered, folded and returned along with the rest of my clothes. It said a lot more to me about her acceptance than any conversation ever could!

[Amy Hepker]

If you tell him it's wrong and disapline him, he'll just find another way to get some. Even if you lock you UW up he will get it even if he has to steal it. You are doing the right thing in buying the him the UW. Place it in his room and don't say a word. He will take it and hide it. I would let him know that he should never do it outside the house, and tell him why he shouldn't do it outside and in front of other people. Let him know that you understand and you will help. I find a lot of times when I get depressed I revert to Crossdressing. It gives secerity and comfort. Have if help with stuff in the house like cleaning and let him know there is more to dressing like a girl than just wearing the clothes. Have him stay clean and have him take care of his body more and more. Let him know it will not be easy and is a lot of work to be a girl. Let him know there are expectations. Don't just let him do it by himself, try to get involved. This may take sometime, take it slow, show him you do care and you will help. Make sure he knows other will not approve and will harrass him if they find out. Kids can be so cruel to each other.

[shavedm64]

Way to go mom... from the replies you have received, I think you are pretty much aware that most feel you are to be commended for wanting to learn and not just give a knee jerk reaction.

In addition to the replies you have I would only add that I feel you should set down with him... just you and him.. and do some shopping. I think on line or in a catalog is by far the best way.

The only caution I would give is to continue to watch discreetly to see if he contines to take other peoples things, especially if it goes beyond taking just yours. If this happens, I would strongly urge professional help to see if there is something hidden deeper in his mind. No offense intended, but it could happen if not dealt with early.

One other thing you might consider is buying his boys underwear in smooth feeling material, not just plain old cotton. It could be he is much like me, and just enjoys the feel of how much different womens undergarments feel in comparison to mens.

Again, all of us thank you for being the kind of person you are, and wish there were a lot more like you.

[AmandaM]

You might want to consider just buying him some clothes on your own. Since he likes your stuff you could get him something similar? OR you could take him with you and pretend their for his "sister". He might enjoy that. He may feel weird about it in front of his dad. A "man thing" y'know. I'm thinking maybe he needs you to take the lead on this and show him it's okay. You could tell him to only do it in his room, if others are funny about it. And go from there.

Make it a natural thing, and he may chill out about it.

[sandra-leigh]

One other thing you might consider is buying his boys underwear in smooth feeling material, not just plain old cotton.

I don't know if they'd be available in a small enough size, but hereabouts the mens-wear department of the major chains sell cotton and microfibre mens briefs and bikinis and thongs. There isn't very much visible difference on the outside between those and plain womens' panties; they have a thicker front panel then womens' do.

If in time the boy starts wanting to wear panties outside the house, then
a) the above may prove to be a relatively acceptable substitute;
b) the above could provide "practice", getting used to the situation, knowing that if they were observed that he would be able to say without lying "these are mens underwear!";
c) the above may provide acclimitization on the part of others: if others become accustomed to seeing him in them (e.g., changing at gym class), then the general shape stops being "odd";
d) the above may provide a "cover story" -- once there is acclimitization, then if he sometimes wears fairly similar womens' panties, then they might assume they are just more menswear, or if there was talk, then the talk can be redirected towards the idea that what was observed was the (producable) mens underwear.

But that's all in the future, under the assumption that he does develop an interest in wearing the styles outside the house.

[sandra-leigh]

I would let him know that he should never do it outside the house, and tell him why he shouldn't do it outside and in front of other people.

I don't believe it would be right to teach him that he must absolutely hide it to within the home and never elsewhere. Not if he's a crossdresser or transgender: if he is, then wearing such clothes will become an important part of who he is all the time. Talk of risks and precautions, rather than teaching him that this is something too shameful or strange to risk the slightest chance outside the house.

Make sure he knows other will not approve and will harrass him if they find out. Kids can be so cruel to each other.

Well, I do agree that kids can be very cruel to each other -- but there is after-school and weekends and other times when the kids aren't going to be paying attention to him.

With a bit of care, the greatest danger outside of school might be in squating down and having something become visible at the back of the pants (a situation that used to be particularily associated with plumbers for some reason or other.) Yes, that can be a problem if what is revealed is obviously in a colour or image pattern not worn by males... so you mitigate risk with black or white solid colouring.

[Helen MC]

Like many here I admire your very tolerant attitude on this difficult matter.

I wish my mother had been of a similar open-mindedness and if she had found that I was secretly wearing my sister's and later also her panties , she had openly offered to buy me my own girls knickers to wear instead of the then Y-Fronts that most boys then wore. I would have jumped for joy at the offer and have accepted it with alacrity! This of course would not have happened in such a traditional middle-class English "nuclear" family in the 1960s . If she had found out that I was wearing Anne's and her knickers the consequencies would have been too terrible to contemplate. Thankfully and due to my being very cautious and observing a high level of security, I was never discovered.

At this stage (and no disrespect to Tess-Leigh), I have to say I feel that the substitute of the newer types of male underwear in whatever material , silk, nylon instead of cotton is a false trail and is doomed to failure and could make matters worse, don't even go there! Even at his young age he clearly knows the difference between male and female underwear and would feel short changed by such a substitute for the real thing, female panties. Nowdays, at least in the UK and Europe there are men's and boys' underpants which in many aspects are panties in all but name, as they have no fly, a double gusset (lined crotch), elasticated leg openings and waist and are in all types of colours and patterns but they are NOT women's panties and I will not wear them, and have been wearing panties now since I was 12 and only panties since I was 15 and I am now 53. I haven't even owned male underpants for decades now!

Returning to your situation. I would make a serious and binding bargain with your step-son. Take ownership of the situation instead of flapping around as you seem to be on this matter. Go out and buy him some panties , (don't ask him again as you have done so already), sufficient panties for a clean pair every day, and if he wants one get him a trainer bra. Give these to him and explain to him that you do not mock nor criticise him for wanting to wear girls' panties instead of boys' underpants, you and your partner are quite at ease with this. However make it absolutely clear that you will NOT tolerate him wearing YOUR panties be they clean or soiled and that retribution will come to him if he does so. You can further explain that these are YOUR personal items and you would feel hurt if he takes them.

I also feel that you should explain to him that there are those who are not so tolerant as yourself, and that if the other boys in his school and the neighbourhood discover that he is wearing girls' panties they may mock him and give him a hard time and that if he has to strip off at school for games, and gym etc it might be wise for him to wear boys' underpants on those days and change back into the girl's panties he prefers when he gets home and only wear them to school on non Gym/Games days. I had to do this from the age of 12 to 15 when thankfully I was able to drop PE and Games for other subjects and have not worn male underpants again.

Now should you take him to a "Counsellor"? Only you and your partner can make that decision. I have the typical British scepticism and dislike for Psychiatrists and would never consult one but I understand that in the USA visiting an "Analyst" is looked upon as no different than going to the Dentist or Doctor .

Finally, is this a sexual or comfort issue for him? For me it was a bit of both. My sister's knickers were a lot more comfortable than the Y-Fronts that boys had to wear in 1965 but there was and still is a sexual aspect to wearing panties and other female clothing as far as I am concerned. Unlike some posters here Cross-Dressing, in my case indoors for female outer clothing although I wear women's panties 24/7, definitely had and still has a sexual arousal aspect .

Best wishes to you and your step-son and I hope the matter resolves itself and he will be happy wearing HIS panties and leaving yours for you alone to wear. Please keep us all posted on the outcome.

Love from Helen.

[Julie York]

If he kept stealing his Dad's tools and hiding them in his bedroom, you'd buy him his own toolkit. It's only society's expectations that prevent us from following such a logical path when it comes to clothing.

I started at 5 too. No idea why but I KNEW it was a secret and dangerous behaviour and would have been very embarrassed to discuss it as I didn't understand it. Being taken to a therapist would have made things worse as that in itself creates a stigma about the whole thing.

The simple solution is to buy some things, put them in a drawer in his room and let him get on with it.

Good luck. You're a very sensible and compassionate woman.

[carol ann]

How the position of you with your stepson reminds me of my own childhood! i used to raid my mother's underwear draw when she was out from the age of about eight.

After some years of being undiscovered (or so I believed) my mother found my little collection of those items I had not returned. She did not know how to handle it but wrote me a letter telling me what she had found; that she was worried about me and "Did i want to talk about it?".

I was so embarrassed - at that moment I just wanted the earth to swallow me up. I didn't know how to handle it, so I just pretended the letter hadn't happened. My mother didn't mention it ever again from that moment onward and neither did I.

For years afterwards I wished I had the courage to bring it into the open. I would have loved to share my feminine feelings with her and for her to encourage me to have my own clothes.

I do believe you have done the right thing but you will ahve to accept that he has to get over his own feeling of guilt. However if you do buy him some things he will love you for it and if you help him to buy some things of his own , he will love you all the more.

[nishababe]

I have read all the posts and agree with most comments .Love and cherish him and treat him as a special person .

Try to be relaxed about it all .Buy him some nice ,pretty girly panties ,a nice silky nightie ,bra's ,skirts and anything else he likes .Perhaps even take him shopping for some girly clothes if he wants to .Give him little girly treats like making him up and put some lipstick and eyeshadow on him ,perhaps even a nice pretty girly wig !!

Try to keep it relaxed and fun .Try to think of him as part girl ,part boy .
He will feel so happy and relaxed if you are accepting of the way he feels and acts ,try to explain to him that there are lots of men and boys like him ,its just that he's been born with a female type brain ,no ones fault .It happens all the time ,more than people think .

Most of us like this are not gay we just love females and everything female and would love to have been born as a pretty girl so help him to understand how and why he feels like he does .

Love and good luck from,

''Nishababe''xxx

[sandra-leigh]

At this stage (and no disrespect to Tess-Leigh), I have to say I feel that the substitute of the newer types of male underwear in whatever material , silk, nylon instead of cotton is a false trail and is doomed to failure and could make matters worse, don't even go there! Even at his young age he clearly knows the difference between male and female underwear and would feel short changed by such a substitute for the real thing, female panties.

Depends on the individual. Male bikinis etc. are my cover story! I bought a couple, my wife didn't object to the style, I let the tags float around a bit, and started mixing in womens' panties (brand identification carefully removed unless the brand was known for selling male and female underwear.) My wife sees me wearing womens' panties and they go through the regular laundry procedures, so she's put them away numerous times, but it's not clear that she understands that they are womens' panties. (She has referred to them as panties, but as her first language is not English, she might be referring to the style rather than the department they were bought in... and the times she has referred to them as panties, it has usually been one of the mens' that she has been holding.) (Incidently, the only criticism of them that she has expressed is that they are not cotton, and she feels cotton underwear is much healthier... but I love the feel and stretch of microfibre.)

[sandra-leigh]

Buy him some nice ,pretty girly panties ,a nice silky nightie ,bra's ,skirts and anything else he likes .Perhaps even take him shopping for some girly clothes if he wants to .Give him little girly treats like making him up and put some lipstick and eyeshadow on him ,perhaps even a nice pretty girly wig !!

Perhaps in future, but I'd suggest that with the little information we have now about how he really feels about such things, that such things would be "jumping the gun".

I would point out that he was wearing "several" bras underneath his shirt at age 6, and bras have been a consistant fixture in the problems. A six-year old doesn't need a bra, and a 10-year old usually doesn't either (though by 10 a "training bra" is starting to be a big thing.) What I'm leading towards is that if he is transgendered and feeling as if he really should be female, then he would (it seems to me) be concentrating on the trappings of girlhood, rather than on the trappings of adulthood. But he isn't imitating girls, he is imitating women -- and so to him, "girly" things might perhaps feel stupid and almost repressive. But right now we don't know: perhaps he'd love to be "girly" if given the chance (but the bras so early....)

That's why I've been suggesting starting with female but not cutesy or girly: if he is imitating adult women (whether his birth mother or his step mother) then "age apropriate" might feel completely wrong for him. We know that he is interested in adult styles; we don't know that he is interested in female-child styles. Don't "play dollies" with him until such time as he gives an indication that that is what he would like.


I was thinking, though, that when giving him a bundle of things to start, it might be good to quietly put a couple of tubes of lipstick in his room, one a "stealth" colour, and one more noticable. By "stealth" colour, I mean one that is definitely lipstick but is not noticable unless you are looking for it -- something that he could wear and know he is wearing and yet be fairly safe with even in public; for my particular skin colours, a good example of that is the Peach Blush shade of the NYC lipstick line, available very inexpensively at drugstores. For the other shade, perhaps a muted red that is a bit longer lasting and gives noticable definition to the lips; something that an adult woman might wear to enhance appearance without attracting attention. For this second shade, I'm possibly just "projecting": I know that for me when I wear most inexpensive red lipsticks, the colour just feels much too vivid and attention-getting to me, and too much like play-acting -- whereas a muted "office-professional" lipstick feels quite natural. (The particular one I use is by Lola, and unfortunately is in the Real Cosmetics price range, over $US20 for a tube.)

Also, probably not immediately but after a bit of a pause to establish that he is interested in "female" and not just panties and bra specifically, perhaps visit Claire's and obtain a couple of the magnetic "stud"-type earrings. The cubic zyrconium they have in that style are, to my mind, too big -- too much like young teens pretending to be grown up -- but the "genuine crystal" in the magnetic style are fairly small and unobtrusive, more of a "quiet elegance". I believe they are $US3 per single small silver stud; a larger gold-ish setting is sold as a pair for about $US4.50.