The idea is to give the woman advice..Not get off on your own fantasies.Originally Posted by tess-leigh
And that goes for a few others too. It's a real child you're talking about, not some fictionmania plot!
:mad:
The idea is to give the woman advice..Not get off on your own fantasies.
And that goes for a few others too. It's a real child you're talking about, not some fictionmania plot!
:mad:
I can say that crossdressing was not sexual for me it was comforting I always felt more my self in panties and girls clothing
mom always wished for a girl little did she know
Dear JustaMom--I am a married parent of two. One has been easy and the other is still difficult (but totally lovable) after 25+ yrs. I empathize with your desire to be a good, nurturing parent who simply wants a happy, healthy child.
It is most unusual for a child to be so "focused" on such a behavior at such a young age. At the age of 6, it clearly was not for sexual gratification. At 10, perhaps it is heading that direction, but perhaps not. You clearly need an unbiased alternate opinion well beyond what you are receiving from anyone here. We are all biased; we are all CDers. As a few others have suggested, talk to a specialist who may be able to see things from your son's perspective. The questions you raise are well beyond our collective anecdotal experience and require an expert.
Wishing you and your family well,
Mary L.
I was the person addressed in that remark. I know it to be completely incorrect characterization of my thought processes in this thread.
I do not mind that Julie York disagreed with me or that she thought that my remarks went noticably further than were useful to the situation: I am sure we all have much to learn from hearing multiple viewpoints.
I am, though, rather disappointed by the manner in which she choose to express her disagreement.
Having swapped several PMs with you on this subject I now understand that your motives were not how they may have read. But I do think that you and a couple of others maybe got "carried away" with your helpful advice.
If you feel you were wrongly tarred by the brush then I apologise.
I am not much on advice but I went through much the same when I was young but atleast you are being understanding and loving to him I sug. buying the items and give him all the support you can
"It is most unusual for a child to be so "focused" on such a behavior at such a young age."
Mm where's the evidence for such a comment? Or is it just an opinion?
I started my "need" to wear girls clothes and especially lipstick and foudation garments from the age of 4 ..
"You clearly need an unbiased alternate opinion well beyond what you are receiving from anyone here"
er .. this is a CrossDressing forum .. so the originator of the thread obviously WANTS our opinions ... mine will follow
"talk to a specialist who may be able to see things from your son's perspective. The questions you raise are well beyond our collective anecdotal experience and require an expert"
Actually some "experts" arent experts at all - they may have read a lot and even be a Doctor, but that doesnt equal expertise.. and WITHOUT the understanding of being a crossdresser, may have No Idea at all what the lad is going through.
It is a bit rash to say "The questions you raise are well beyond our collective anecdotal experience" ,, sorry but how the heck do you know what our collective experience is?
Anyway .. to get back to the thread. the most heartening thing is that a caring and loving parent is seeking to do the very best for her child.
My view is .. follow your instincts .. your heart and spirit of love and care will probably indicate what is right for you and yours in this circumstance.
My experience was that I KNEW (from the age of 4) that what I was doing was "wrong" and "shamefull" and I must never get caught.
That feeling of shame and embarrassment is one hell of a mountain to climb - but a continued caring, loving and accepting ethos is the best anyone can give.
Justamom .. you are doing brilliantly - I wish you and yours the best.
"The Greatest Thing in all the world
Is to Love ........ and to Be Loved in return."
This may be redundate to what the other members have said, but let me share my thoughts...
While I was growing up, I was like most cd'ers who would "borrow" items from my mother and sister. I'll admit the thrill of it was great, but the guilt I felt afterwards was not worth it. I didnt like going behind my mothers back, or my sisters for that matter. I felt like I was violating them and their trust, which I was.
But I'll say this too. I would much rather not had to sneak around. I was caught twice, and both times I swore up and down I would never do it again. And both times, I did it again. The desire is to great. I believe your son will continue with or without your help. I dreamed of telling my mother that I still dressed, and that she would accept it, and take me shopping, or buy me clothes. But it never happened.
The secrecy is very painful and is part of the reason why so many of us struggle with this lifestyle. I wish everyday, that I could just be myself and not have to worry about losing family and friends because of something like this.
Your son is very lucky to have a mother who cares this much about him, that she would consider catering to his need.
Take Care,
Emily
I am not convinced that I got carried away, but I accept the possibility as being reasonable and worth consideration.
Thank you. Your concern for the well-being of the stepson is a good thing. Children can sometimes be very fragile... and sometimes mostly need room for growth.If you feel you were wrongly tarred by the brush then I apologise.
Put it this way, if Justamom's son showed a persistent interest in whittling, it would be a bit premature to go out and buy him a full woodworking shop, yes? Maybe he does want to grow up to be a cabinet maker, maybe he just likes whittling....
We really don't know what's going on in his head. (And odds are he doesn't either.) So just as I think it's foolish to pressure him to stop, I think it's equally foolish to do things that he might preceive as pressure the other way.
Lena
A dream? What is a dream, but a blueprint for courageous action.
http://www.adahlshouse.com
I have since become convinced that some of us are hard wired for searching out her pheromones . and clothes become a huge wick sucking these up . generally her clothes are soft smooth warm and smell better than chocolate chip cookies even if we don't concisely recognize we smell anything .
this I feel is like bait and switch but the program, not much off a gooses imprinting, is very hard to over ride or erase .
so may be he is missing you and needs a security blanket ? and your bras beat the ribbons on his sterilized blanket all to hell?
Thoughts ?
Dear Josie--I appreciate your taking time to express opinion about my suggestions above.However, you miss my point. Because I with to make sure that JustaMom does not miss it too, I am responding to you.Mm where's the evidence for such a comment? Or is it just an opinion?
I started my "need" to wear girls clothes and especially lipstick and foudation garments from the age of 4 ..
er .. this is a CrossDressing forum .. so the originator of the thread obviously WANTS our opinions ... mine will follow
Actually some "experts" arent experts at all - they may have read a lot and even be a Doctor, but that doesnt equal expertise.. and WITHOUT the understanding of being a crossdresser, may have No Idea at all what the lad is going through.
It is a bit rash to say "The questions you raise are well beyond our collective anecdotal experience" ,, sorry but how the heck do you know what our collective experience is?
Yes, JustaMom has requested our opinions. My point is that we are not neutral observers. We have no idea about the details of her son's behavior or even if JustaMom told us everything necessary to make an educated decision. If JustaMom is truly concerned, then a neutral third party with extensive experience in pediatric psychiatry, with specific expertise in the science of gender-related problems, should be involved.
The reason is simple: her son my not have a gender or clothing related problem at all. Can any of us speak to that side of the story? One piece of information about crossdressing that is glaringly absent from ALL discussions of the topic concerns the number of children who played with panties, stockings, etc. without becoming crossdressing adults. Yes, it is widely stated that crossdressers cannot really quit. But that is circular reasoning, as the inability to quit becomes part of the definition of being a crossdresser. This may not be the case for young children. Not knowing any better, kids play with lots of things when little. I don't have a fetish for mud, although I certainly played in it a lot before the age of 6. "Experts" are, in part, experts not only because they know a lot about the topic at hand, but because they have seen both sides of the story. In this case, perseverative behavior that might or might not be related to gender issues.
So, my comments are intended for JustaMom and I wish to reinforce the notion that if she seeks advice from us, she is likely to receive information derived from our own histories which may not be at all relevant to what her son is experiencing. I repeat -- a knowledgeable, neutral observer is needed.
Listen to him
Further to my previous post ,I think the most important thing is for this boy to be able to do what he wants to do ,without the guilty feelings that we must have all gone through when we all started secretly cross dressing at young ages .
I think as I have stated before that he needs to feel ok and accepted in doing what comes naturally to him .
He must not be told off and made to feel guilty ,to be forced to dress in secret ,with all the hang ups and guilt that entails .
That is why I think that if he wants to wear girls clothes then let him do it and help him by buying some for him and try to explain to him why he is getting these thoughts and feelings come into his head ,as he must be puzzled and bewildered as to why he is feeling like this !!
I would have loved it if my mum had made me up and had got girls clothes for me to wear when I wanted to !!
Love ''Nishababe'' xxxxx
I've been following this thread off and on for a few days, and finally feel moved to comment. First, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're not trolling us--this kind of topic often comes up in troll posts.
I can identify with your stepson--when I was about that age, I had a stash of my mom's old stuff (panties) that was ready to go to Goodwill, that I had "diverted" to a hiding place for my own use. As time went on, like many others here, I also "borrowed" (stole) from female relations and friends to maintain my habit--in my case, usually cousins, as I did not have sisters. I felt guilty about the dressing, and I felt guilty about the stealing. It took me a while, and some scary experiences I won't go into, to learn that dressing wasn't something I should feel bad about but that stealing definitely was something that needed to stop.
Whatever you decide to do about his apparent dressing, you need to make sure he understands that underwear is a highly personal thing, and stealing it is, well, wrong--not to mention, unsanitary.
As for the dressing, I'm not sure how I feel about this. Having been in that situation, I know that if he's dressing now, he will do it again, whether you support him, suppress him, or ignore him. What I wanted at that age was to be able to wear panties and not have to hide them, but I don't think I wanted my mom to help me out with it! (To be fair, I wouldn't have wanted my mom to be much involved in picking out my guy's underwear, either.) The kindest thing to do might be to buy him some (age-appropriate) panties and perhaps some other girly stuff, set boundaries on when he can wear it, and help him not feel guilty about it, but I'd be prepared for him to react as if you're embarrassing him, because he's a 10-year-old boy, and having been one, he will not want you "in his business", even if you're being helpful. I've often thought that if I had a son who turned out to be a CDer, I would refrain from supporting him in it, except to try to get him to take responsibility for his actions and buy and take care of his own stuff, because you don't want to be the subject of his conversations with his therapist down the road...
I assure you I am not a "troll"; you have no way of verifying that so I can understand your comment. I work outside the home part-time and have three kids plus a husband to care for so I am haven't been back to this thread much .
I just want to post an update and clarify a few things.
I did buy him some things (bras and underwear) and put them in his uw drawer. I was pleasantly surprised by the selection; it was actually a little overwhelming. I just chose items I thought were age appropriate. The plan is for DH to speak to him privately about what precautions he needs to take if he wants to wear the underwear out of the house.
Like I said before, this is a conservative area and he is only in 4th grade. Maybe in high school his peers will be more accepting, but right now it would destroy his chances of making and sustaining friendships. Academics would go out the window. Honestly, he would probably have to switch schools because the parents are so outrageous.
This weekend, my DH told me he enjoyed wearing lingerie as a teen. I was pretty surprised he didn't share this sooner, considering how we've been scratching our heads for three years trying to figure out how to help this kid. As it turns out, I was the only one scratching my head. DH knew what was going on.
We do see a family therapist. The focus has been on blending the families since it is no easy task. Also, stepson sees her individually because he struggles with anxiety, depression, and ADHD.
I don't think my stepson is taking the items to be close to me (though I what do I know?) because he really isn't crazy about me. I mean, he tolerates me and thinks I am okay, but he would much rather be with his father, mother, aunt, grandma, grandpa, or even my mom or sister. Basically, anyone but me. Since I am his primary caregiver, he is really in a pickle. He does love my 7-year-old and the new baby, so at least he has that to distract him when his dad isn't around.
He has a fierce loyalty to his birth mother who has hopped in and out of his life. The therapist believes he takes out his frustration with his mother on me. She also says that if he loves me he feels he is betraying his mother. Now, maybe he takes my uw because he misses his mother, which I could buy. Only time with tell I guess, if he continues borrowing my things even though he has his own.
I appreciate everyone who posted his or her opinions. I especially appreciate the kind words, telling me I am a good parent. I rarely here that here since the stepmother is always wrong. My ILs are so critical and his mother is so out of it. They view me as hired help. I am good enough to do all the work, but god forbid if I step out of place and try to parent.
I am not perfect parent but I love my kids and want them to be happy and heathy. I am doing my best to do right by this child who isn't mine and to be honest doesn't much care for me. I love him though and I do not want him to suffer or be harmed because of my actions. That is why I came here, to hear from people who have been through this.
So thank you again for sharing your perspectives with me. The only "real life" exposure I have to crossdressing was a friend of the family. Apparently, he was a crossdresser and no one knew, including his wife. He committed suicide because the guilt and shame became too much. This was years ago and I was in high school but I remember thinking, "they (his family) would probably rather have him alive in a dress than no husband at all".
So now that my stepson may or may not be dealing with this, I am a bit panicky. I would like to prevent it getting even close to that point. We love him and want him with us no matter what. If that means he is a crossdresser, fine. If that means he wants to go through gender reassignment, fine. If this is a phase and he moves on, fine. We just want him to be happy.
When the girls would argue with me about a decision, I would sometimes just say "Because the Mommy Handbook" says I have to do it that way". Worked when they were younger....
My heart goes out to you, there is no right answer and either course has potentially serious consequences.
Put faith in your spouse & son's relationship. Your spouse's experiences will undoubtedly help your son realize no-one is trying to label him as bad. Young kids will emmulate the behavior they see (not just are told to do). If your in-laws aren't treating you with respect, he could think that is the expected treatment of you. Can you get your spouse's help there as well?
May the pieces all fall into place for both you & your family.
it doesnt matter if he is wearing them or not,he is stealing them from you and needs to be punished for it.You need to take him to the store and pick out several matching pairs of sexy satin lace bra and panties.It is up to you weather or not to let the cashier know they are for your sissy son or not.Since your son now has his own undies he needs to begin wearing them immediatly,Explain that he steals yours so you have to buy his own and as punishment he has to wear them.I bet he will love you buying them for him and when you force him to wear them he will not fight you,
My first thought was to delete this post, that's how disgusting I find it. I'll just say that if this is how you truly feel, then I think you've got a serious problem.
Karen
This is scary I agree he need to stop stealing them.
But why even think of humiliating someone in the shop
Cindy I assume when you were a teenager everything perfect
Her son is a young crossdresser who may be feeling a little ashamed at that fact right now
Teenagers need to be helped not forced deeper into the closet due to forcing him do do things
Teenagers dont react well to being forced it is most likely to cause trouble
He needs love and support and to know that he can ask his Mom for help
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