Why me?

[Jessie4u]

Well my horror store began 4 weeks ago and continues on, when I was young I told my mother and it went to hell in a hand basket for 7 years. I hid my feelings and desires through 2 failed marriages and many unhappy times.
I am now remarried to my true soulmate, so after 4 years I trusted enough to tell another person to whom I thought alot of and respected.
Fights and more fights, lost trust on both sides, pain beyond anything i expected, now i go back into the closet to avoid hurt her anymore. Though she said to me no more hidding and no more lies. The very nature of what I do to avoid her pain causes me to hide and lie to her. If I tell her that do not want to stop I lose the best friend I have ever had. I trusted her to be here for me and top love me no matter what came along like she said many times before.
Is this possibly just a time issue? she no longer wants anything to do with learning about it or reading about it. PLease can someone give me some advice. I am lost inside to minds one for her and one for me.

[Kate Simmons]

Well my horror store began 4 weeks ago and continues on, when I was young I told my mother and it went to hell in a hand basket for 7 years. I hid my feelings and desires through 2 failed marriages and many unhappy times.
I am now remarried to my true soulmate, so after 4 years I trusted enough to tell another person to whom I thought alot of and respected.
Fights and more fights, lost trust on both sides, pain beyond anything i expected, now i go back into the closet to avoid hurt her anymore. Though she said to me no more hidding and no more lies. The very nature of what I do to avoid her pain causes me to hide and lie to her. If I tell her that do not want to stop I lose the best friend I have ever had. I trusted her to be here for me and top love me no matter what came along like she said many times before.
Is this possibly just a time issue? she no longer wants anything to do with learning about it or reading about it. PLease can someone give me some advice. I am lost inside to minds one for her and one for me.

Most women are concerned about just where they will fit in. They have to share you with another person (your femme self). Some gals just cannot tolerate or handle that. Ericka/Rich

[Jodie_Lynn]

Sorry for the grief you are going through Jessie, but I have to ask.....

Aftre so after 4 years I trusted enough to tell another "soul mate", you finally told her? Did you wait as long to trust her with your bank accounts?

You are wondering whats going through her mind? She is wondering what other secrets you are holding back; she is wondering what happened to the person she married.

My wife knew of my femme side before we were married, and thankfuully, she accepts it. She still doesn't fully understand it, but then, neither do I, but I'm glad (and she is too) that I had enough faith and trust in her to reveal my secret.

I'm not saying that it has been a bed of roses, but at least the thorns have been minimal.

I suggest that you give her some time to accept the "new" you, don't bombard her with questions or data, and keep the dressing to a minimum. At least until she reaches a point where you can both discuss it without screaming at each other.

[Jessie4u]

Like the colt the power of the creaming died down but when she noticed me shaved legs it went back up now I am not allowed to do that so I have to let hair regrow or I am not allowed back in the bed. Ok I understand that we have had many talks over the last 4 weeks.
And as to the bank account this is not the same....

[Janice Ashton]

I fully know how you feel, I came out to my ex wife and she led me along to find out all about Louise, once she had the full story even though she supposedly accepted it at first? she closed the door and would have nothing to do with my Transvetism. It's very difficult because as you are now struggling with this dilemma and trying to come to terms with a decision to stop doing what you love doing and retaining the one you love or continue (maybe hiding) what you love to do.
I found that after my ex dismissed all my TV leanings I tried to stop dressing. It didn't work to the point when we were shopping if I even glanced at a womans cloths shop window she would pass some comment about was I looking to buy. Christmas and birthdays were very difficult because for what ever I bought her if it had any female connection she would say did I buy it for her or was it because I wanted it. It so bad I became paranoid about our relationship and dressing. Eventually we divorced and since then my life has been so much better as I can follow the path of the real me and what I want in life. I hasten to add my ex wife and myself are now better friends than when we were married and I am open about what I do, but she she will never accept me being a TV / CD.
You have a very difficult decision to make which will not be easy but one way or the other you will lose one or the other as I feel compromise is something very few women will take and those that do? I believe it's very limited. Anyone who's SO accepts and supports them in being a TV / CD they are very lucky people and should cherrish what they have.
I hope you will be able to resolve your problem and wish you good luck, but from experience I feel it will be tough times ahead.
Best wishes Louise.

[MJ]

hi girls you are not alone i too had the same problem with my wife. yes we love them deeply but when she found out .. she wanted nothing to do with me in fact she ask me to leave after 20 years married.. over just like that and even now wants nothing do to with me or even see me .
i hope single CD tv ts read this thread and find the courage to tell there SO before it's too late for them ...
my worth here i think you should give her a little time and then talk to her make her listen you may have to say... it over between us unless you listen it may come to that anyway sorry .. but she is not dealing with this issue it's not going to go away try to talk to her set limits try to find a way to make it work good luck... hugs

[Brianna Lovely]

You can't make her like or accept you. You also can not live a lie, by hidding your CD / fem side. So I guess you should seriously think about ending the relationship. I really can't see you waisting the next 20 or 30 years hidding in the closet, waiting for her "approval".

If you can't find someone who accepts you for who / what you are, then live alone. It's a heck of a lot better then living a lie, hidding, sneaking, fearing, every single day.

[Significantother GG]

From a GG

Over and over I read on these threads that 'if she loves you enough'.....'if the love is deep enough'......if the relationship is based on love'.....etc then all will be ok.

What you HAVE to understand is the love you all readily refer to is for a person (or persona if that fits better) that now no longer exists in her eyes.

She will grieve for that person as if they have actually died, she will go through the whole grief cycle of anger, disbelief, shock, leading eventually if you are lucky to re-building, including re-building her love for this new person she is now married to.

YOU may not be different but for her you ARE different to the person she fell in love with.

I agree with the previous posters that you should tell her before a commitment is made. It's just not fair to expect her to stick around when you out yourself after a few years of marriage. In my opinion it's emotional blackmail.......if you really loved me you wouldn't leave. Well, she probably did really love you....it's just that you're not you anymore in her eyes. Now she has to grow to love the new you if she can.......do not expect miracles.

[Jodie_Lynn]

by that logic significantother, if we were to suffer a life altering injury, we " wouldn't be the same" and therefore less deserving of love?

From my time here, and time spent searching for the reasons why I am the way I am, I have learned much. Not necessarily the reason WHY I am like this, but a lot.
On this site alone CD/TG-ers range from the fetishist, to Post operative transexuals. We come from all walks of life, and every possible skin tone, financial state, and religion. For many of us, this is not a choice, but a drive, a compulsion, an unavoidable obsession. The reason many of us choose to hide what we are is for the very reasons you state: That the person we love most will reject us.

Soooo, we take a deep breath, and spill our guts and await the firestorm.
Or, we take a deep breath and cower in the back of our self made dungeons.

It seems, either way, we are bound to draw criticism from the GG's here.

We either expect too much, or don't trust enough, or don't understand enough.

So tell me oh enlightened ones, what the hell are we supposed to do?

[MJ]

Jodie quote
So tell me oh enlightened ones, what the hell are we supposed to do?
Today 09:59 AM

i can try and answer that from a ts point of view. i too have learned much since i discovered this site. honesty right from the start before you marry the one you love ..
that said before you ask her to marry you and before you buy the ring you should tell her that you are a crossdresser then after the shock wave has passed if she still loves you well you go a winner go get the ring...
it's way too late for me but i get it now... from a gg point of view YOU ARE NOT THE MAN I MARRIED and now that poor girl does not know what to do .. do i stay or should i go. now she is burden with your secret and you passed on your guilt to her because now she has to keep that secret and live your lie...

OR try to em brass you cding and help you and be there for you and enjoy it together

[Jessie4u]

Maybe I am not giving enough information, you see when I was a young boy I told my mother and she reacted close to what I am going through right now but it lasted for close to seven years. My own mother turned her back on me, so I closed the door and put feelings aside and let the desires of my heart wallow in what I was led to believe was Bad, Disqusting, filth, inmoral, oh the list goes on.
When I was courting my wife I had not dressed in 8 years but still had the desire to look, touch and dream about the clothing. I thought it was out of my life.. But like it has been said it goes back worse then it went away.

Right now I sleep on the couch until my leg hair, shoulder hair back hair grows back. No matter how I feel about it all (i don't matter right now and nor do my feelings) this is how I feel. This morning i woke up very angry withher for the way I am being treated. I kept getting asked "whats wrong" how do you tell this person that "&^$$ing h&ll i am mad at you, I know I should not have told you and you would have never known but I hated keeping a lie from you. Now you treat me like I am worthless you dont even say good night to me anymore. you say you love me in a text msg but you have been showing anything but"
I know I hurt her very deeply and I know that trust on both sides is gone, but now something more is gowing and that is my respect for her.

She was studing how to be a shrink and it was going very well I supported her desire but now I feel as though now that I have seen this horrible side to her I could not support this wish of hers due to that her caring nature was just a front and all the words she said to me were just words no meaning no love just words. I do love her and I am willing to forgive her for the way I am being treated but I need help and understanding to stop the erosion of trust and respect for her.

SO if you know of a way to help me then please do.

[Sheila]

Soooo, we take a deep breath, and spill our guts and await the firestorm.
Or, we take a deep breath and cower in the back of our self made dungeons


So tell me oh enlightened ones, what the hell are we supposed to do?

Tell us before we commit to you seems pretty straight forward to me ----- I am sick of being slapped (figuratively) for trying to understand, for asking the questions to try and help me and others.

Every time an other cdr has a go at us GG's I just get . If we don't jump up going great when we find out, or if we ask for bounderies so that we can have time to take all this in we are seen as being unaccepting and the usual advice from the cdr'd who don't have any level of accepting SO is leave her --------- it seems to me that many of those who have an intolerant SO or don't have an SO at all, would much prefer that all cdr's did not have any level of accepting SO's therby making them feel better

So tell me oh enlightened ones, what the hell are we supposed to do?

perhaps give to us the tolerance,patience, understanding AND SUPPORT you are expecting from us

Jess

[Sheila]

I do love her and I am willing to forgive her for the way I am being treated but I need help and understanding to stop the erosion of trust and respect for her.

I am now remarried to my true soulmate, so after 4 years I trusted enough to tell another person to whom I thought alot of and respected.

Well I have to say that is really big of you and I really don't get where she is coming from with all her hurt and anger when it only took you 4 years to trust her enough to tell her, some women are just so insensitive to lies and deceipt

Jess

[mecloset]

Being she is studying to be a shrink maybe you can approach it from that angle. What I would do is say look honey I want to sit down and talk to you without yelling screaming ect. All I want is some goodhearted conversation. Then when she is calm enough and accepts this then you can start by stating to her some of the facts that you have here on the message boards.

1. I did this when I was younger and had thought that I over came it but the feeling have re-arrisen and I wanted to share them with you not hide and sneak around you.

2. Just because I put on en-fem does not mean I am a different person, I may look different but deep down I am still the same person whom you fell in love with. And maybe in someway if you come to accept it I can not only be you confidant in male body but also in enfem. Sometime I have found out that vision plays a big role in our lives, you can also mention how this en-fem has given you more insight and respect toward a GG.


3. This has nothing to do with you, the fact that your here does not make the feeling to do this stronger or weaker, it is something that is ingrained and would have surfaced with or without you present.

4. I wanted to tell you about it before it really happened so as to get your opinion on you so we could talk about it and get it out in the open and who knows because of your field of study it may help you in future clientele when you become fully licenced and such.

Make sure you always tell her how appreciative you are of her sitting down with you, make sure you always tell her how you love and feel about her, and just tell her that you are trying to be honest withyour self and her. These are things that GG really want to know they want to know that you are not going to go out and loose old willey the one eyed wonder worm in favor of a vagina, that you are not going to want men more than her, if you can get her to accept the fact that you are still whom she married, even if the appearance has changed, and that your feelings for her stem from both your male and female psychie (sp?) Once you can get this line started and show her your factual self that will put your foot in the door and I wish you luck.

[Victoria Anne]

I must agree with mecloset, you have to tell her how much you appreciate her sitting to talk ,how much you appreciate her and love her. It is important for her to know that though your appearance is different you are the same person as it is a part of who you are and if it were not then you would indeed be a different person.Tlking this through will help you to regain that which you have already lost and can help you not only rebuild you marriage but your love for each other and strengthen that love.Good luck, I hope all will turn out okay.
p.s. I believe it was said earlier, you do need to concider how she views this and try to be understanding of her feelings. Remember for you to surrender and hide this you will only be miserable and will build recentment for her and it could eventually lead to a nasty divorce so becareful of her feelings ,do not discount them and stay true to yourself. Good luck

[tall_brianna]

2. Just because I put on en-fem does not mean I am a different person, I may look different but deep down I am still the same person whom you fell in love with. And maybe in someway if you come to accept it I can not only be you confidant in male body but also in enfem. Sometime I have found out that vision plays a big role in our lives, you can also mention how this en-fem has given you more insight and respect toward a GG.

Make sure that this is really true. I may be the only one, but I know I'm guilty building up my drab persona as well - and over doing the "drab" to cover up. Some things like being a jerk at times, can be good to loose. Other things like you're scruffy appearence she may have loved about you - although I have no idea why. No doubt there are things from your feminine side that show through the layers and yes, she loved those to. But it's like taking a puzzle of a Jackson Pollock painting, mixing up the pieces and saying it's still the same painting. It may sorta look the same, but it's not really.

[Janice Ashton]

There has been some very interesting posts to this Thread, However, I feel you are no more enlightened for them than when you first set out.
Try walking away and see what reaction you get? as many have said on this thread this may be thrust upon you anyway and she may dump you.

I agree with the GG posts we (TV's / CD's) are not the person our SO's fall in love with when we come out to them, they consider we have been deceitful and are concerned what other secrets we maybe hiding or revalations we may throw up next. So think about your situation as it stands now? consider if it will ever get any better? if not, walk away. The short term pain, could provide long term gain, speaking selfishly of course.
Whatever decision you make it will not be easy,
Good Luck Louise

[Sandra]

There has been some very interesting posts to this Thread, However, I feel you are no more enlightened for them than when you first set out.
Try walking away and see what reaction you get? as many have said on this thread this may be thrust upon you anyway and she may dump you.

I agree with the GG posts we (TV's / CD's) are not the person our SO's fall in love with when we come out to them, they consider we have been deceitful and are concerned what other secrets we maybe hiding or revalations we may throw up next. [SIZE="3"]So think about your situation as it stands now? consider if it will ever get any better? if not, walk away. [/SIZE]The short term pain, could provide long term gain, speaking selfishly of course.
Whatever decision you make it will not be easy,
Good Luck Louise

Wow I'm glad this sentance wasn't around when me and Nigella had problems with her CDing. How you can you tell if it is going to get better or not? you can't and instead of walking away as so many seem eager to suggest try working at it more.

[Tree GG]

Make sure that this is really true. ... Other things like you're scruffy appearence she may have loved about you - although I have no idea why. No doubt there are things from your feminine side that show through the layers and yes, she loved those to. But it's like taking a puzzle of a Jackson Pollock painting, mixing up the pieces and saying it's still the same painting. It may sorta look the same, but it's not really.

Very true!

Jessie4u,

I'm really surprised at the situation you describe since your SO is studying to be a therapist. It sounds like trauma denial big time and your physical changes (shaving) are blatant reminders of that denial. They say you shouldn't wake a sleepwalker, so I imagine forcing someone in denial to see reality could be damaging.

It's really your choice as to whether you can wait out this emotional storm. Just as I have the right to expect compromise & boundaries, so do you. So talking to her is your best 1st choice, but only work on a few issues at a time. (Like being treated as an equal partner)

Everyone makes mistakes (over-reacting, self-centeredness, etc, etc). The people who love you get over it & forgive in time - just as you'd do for the people you love. Don't let the anger get out of control.

[DonnaT]

Jessie, my advice is to let go of the anger you are feeling. It can only breed more anger or resentment from your wife.

Instead, tell her you still love her. Tell her constantly.

It's going to take time for her to adjust to this new person she sees. You've got nothing but time.

she said to me no more hidding and no more lies

That means you need to tell her that your CDing isn't going to go away. That there is no cure, and it simply does not just go away. That you are a CD and will always be a CD until you die.

make no promises that you'll stop, because you know that will ultimately be proved a lie. Instead, find a way to compromise a system between you two to enable you time do what you need to do. Thus, you won't be hiding, she just doesn't have to see it.

If she won't work out a compromise, ask her what she meant by "no more hidding and no more lies".

she no longer wants anything to do with learning about it or reading about it

She was studing how to be a shrink

Ask her if a therapist can be a good and efficent therapist if they can't get passed their prejudice. And the only way she can say it is not a prejudice is it she is fully informed on what makes a transgendered individual tick.

You know, I tell people all the time, "don't move out of the house". Well the same holds true for the bedroom, don't let her kick you out of bed. No arguments, just simply tell her your sleeping in the bed from now on.

When did you shave your legs, etc, before or after informing her you were a CD?

[Jodie_Lynn]

Tell us before we commit to you seems pretty straight forward to me ----- I am sick of being slapped (figuratively) for trying to understand, for asking the questions to try and help me and others.

Every time an other cdr has a go at us GG's I just get . If we don't jump up going great when we find out, or if we ask for bounderies so that we can have time to take all this in we are seen as being unaccepting and the usual advice from the cdr'd who don't have any level of accepting SO is leave her --------- it seems to me that many of those who have an intolerant SO or don't have an SO at all, would much prefer that all cdr's did not have any level of accepting SO's therby making them feel better

perhaps give to us the tolerance,patience, understanding AND SUPPORT you are expecting from us

Jess

In my case, I did tell her before we commited: it was a tense moment for me, but luckily she accepted me for who I am. I am not a big advocate of hidden secrets myself, but I can understand the deep fear of losing someone you love because of CD-ing.

And I for one, would NEVER, EVER slap down anyone for seeking answers and understanding.

Every time an other cdr has a go at us GG's I just get .

And, how do you think I feel when I see GG's "jumping" on CD-ers? I'm NOT trying to be antagonistic, just trying to point out that there are two sides, and two points of view to this issue.

I cannot, of course, speak for anyone else, but I have to say that many of the responses of GG's to this and other threads of this type are somewhat discouraging to me.

As I said in the post quoted by Jess(SO), it sometimes seems that either way we are crucified. If we don't tell, we are deceitful, secretive creatures. If we tell (whenever in the relationship we tell) we are accused of hiding other secrets or being less trustful than we should be.

And when we do come out, and are accepted, we get roasted for "wanting too much too fast", "obsessing" over it, and the biggest sin: not respecting our SO's limits, feelings, and opinions.

And I will agree that when we do find a supportive, sympathetic partner, we sometimes go overboard. But...........

But, in a relationship, especially a marriage, communication is the most important element. BOTH partners need to sit down and discuss the situation calmly and rationally. Parameters and limits need to be respected by BOTH parties.

At what point does one sacrifice ones own contentment for the sake of the other? I'm not saying that the SO's need to roll over and let the femme persona of the spouse run rampant, but what of the needs of the CD/TG partner?

Maybe I'm rambling, but it seems to me that the majority of GG's here seem to think that just because a mate is a crossdresser, they are required to subsume themselves for the happiness of the SO.

[Jessie4u]

We spent most of today SMSing back inforth about what is going on. She does not answer just exactly she is scared of? Something must drive her fears of CD's and why we do to have these feelings.
We are going to sit down and write out a converstation and see where that gets us as that issue of talking gets us no where. She knows this will not go away, but yet she seems to act that if it does not we should end it if it comes back. It has never left nor do I want it to.
The "Magic Pill" never existed and never will or we would all be perfect and I dont see that as a reality

[Kimberly]

Sorry to hear this, Jess. xx

[Janice Ashton]

Wow I'm glad this sentance wasn't around when me and Nigella had problems with her CDing. How you can you tell if it is going to get better or not? you can't and instead of walking away as so many seem eager to suggest try working at it more.

I agree to a point, but sometimes a little distance can give both parties time to consider the situation. In some cases you may not wish to walk away but because the SO cannot accept the problem you maybe told to walk away as they want to call it a day.
Sandra I have to say that you are very good to accept and work at it as you say, but I feel not every SO see's it like that so I would say Nigella is very lucky. Everybody on this thread has a different opinion and suggestion whatever path is chosen it will not be easy.

[shelly gg]

by that logic significantother, if we were to suffer a life altering injury, we " wouldn't be the same" and therefore less deserving of love?

Life altering injuries are not usually self imposed and the human race in general can and will accept one of their own who has been maimed in a horrendous accident. But, it is less acceptable when something is self imposed and then hidden and lied about. THAT is unacceptable to most human beings and you ladies need to realize that the very deceit of it is what causes the mistrust, and agony for those you love, not the fact that you simply prefer womans clothing, etc. To most GG's it is as crushing as finding out your spouse cheated on you when not delt with up front in a relationship.

The reason many of us choose to hide what we are is for the very reasons you state: That the person we love most will reject us.

Soooo, we take a deep breath, and spill our guts and await the firestorm.
Or, we take a deep breath and cower in the back of our self made dungeons.

It seems, either way, we are bound to draw criticism from the GG's here.

We either expect too much, or don't trust enough, or don't understand enough.

In my case, it is none of the above. What brings my wrath is being sideswiped with life altering decisions someone else is making and then being told, I have to deal with it and have no control. Fortunately MY SO kept me informed from the get-go and eased me into it. She also considers my need for equal time and out of pure respect and love for me honors my occasional need for "normalcy" and will take me in his arms and sweep me off my feet. In admiration of his willingness to do this and deep love and respect for his needs I do the same for (HER).

So tell me oh enlightened ones, what the hell are we supposed to do?

I am not so enlightened, but from experience I know that a good 70 % of you gals wouldn't be living alone with your precious cloths if you were upfront from the very begining and used couth in the way you enlighten your SO's

You all seem to be beautiful, caring people, but I read over and over here where you set yourselves up for failure and then wonder why a marriage of 20 years or a relationship of 4 years disolves over something as simple and insignificant as what cloths you chose to wear. That is not the issue ladies. Trust and dependability are the issues. The road goes both ways. You want acceptance and tollerance you must practice it. You want love and loyalty, you must be deserving of it by being honest and respectful up front. I wouldn't EVER EVER advise any of you ladies to keep it in the closet. That is where the trouble begins.