Constant Craving

[Maggie Kay]

Today, from the misery loves company corner comes a story of a TS gal who sees a beautiful black and white print dress on sale for $15.99. Pocket change, go get it, right? Well, no. My wife and I have an arrangement. Neither spends a dime without clearing it with the other. It was her idea because I wasn't spending anything but she was shopping/buying at will. I agreed since I don't usually buy anything anyway. I am always shopping and looking for femme items. I just never buy them. Our finances are very tight and I do more than my share of sacrifice to make ends meet. However, I know that if I give in and get that dress without telling her, I will be disloyal to her. I don't have a stash and don't want secrets either. I can't ask her for the dress because I know her reaction will be immediate and very negative. She can handle my wearing femme pants and tops as long as they are boy-like. But a dress is a totally different matter. If I bring up this dress issue, we are bound for another big fight. At the moment, things are going along pretty well between us and I want it it to stay that way. As I indicated in another post, I am now learning to sew. She is teaching me. It is strange because we assiduously avoid skirt and dress patterns. She never wears dresses or skirts and has asked me, worriedly, if I will eventually want to wear one. At the time, I denied my feelings and said no. That denial has made the latent desire turn to a constant craving.

I should put this in perspective, I am also free to have shoulder length hair, pierced earrings, panties, bras, nighties, total shaving, and "over the counter" hormone treatments. There is a line drawn on some areas that makes TG acceptable to her. When we are in balance, she forgets about my TG issues and we live a relatively normal peaceful life. If I go too far or too fast the balance is upset and we have weeks of crisis. We tried counseling and that was a total disaster so that won't happen any time soon.

[Calliope]

Neither spends a dime without clearing it with the other.
[...]
I can't ask her for the dress because I know her reaction will be immediate and very negative.

Hmm, she's really got your number, eh.

Time to renegotiate.

[Maggie Kay]

As it seems to go, my drives or cravings will eventually get the better of me and I will broach the subject with her, consequences be dammed. Holding this in check is like a finger in the dam. A stop gap measure. We both have ideas of how we think life should be and we try to maintain life as we know it. My attempts to restrain myself because I want to keep my family as it was usually fail in the end. SO once again, I'll be facing another test of the relationship if and when I succumb to this craving....

[Sarahgurl371]

Kay, if I where you, I would ask myself this question..."Is what I have enough?" Meaning, that according to your post about how much slack your wife is giving you regarding body issues and all, is that enough? I have been struggling with that question for some time now. I have never known enough.

It seems to me that she is giving alot, and you must be asking "but what makes a skirt or a dress any different?" I guess it is over the line to her. So your options are either get it without telling, which is not a good idea. Get it out of your head, which doesn't seem to work. Or start the dreaded conversation... again.

I absolutley understand what you said about trying to repress the "craving". It just makes things worse, and living everyday while trying to "hold out" one more gets very old very fast. I have been living that way for years.

Seems like you know the answer. When you posted about denying that you wanted to wear a dress. I have been there. Let me tell you this... full disclosure didn't work out real well for me. But I had too. Just easier to look in the mirror.

Hey, you never know. Maybe she will be fine with it.

[Robin Leigh]

Hormones ok, but dresses are a no-no? Interesting...

I assume she wore a dress to your wedding.

Maybe you should discuss with her why she doesn't enjoy wearing a dress from time to time. Who knows, if you can get her to wear one, she might be more open to letting you try one on. Although it often works the other way around. The SO gradually gets used to seeing the CD/TG in a dress, and then decides that she wants to wear dresses, too. Even GGs that I'm just friends with seem to wear less jeans and more skirts & dresses once they find out that I CD & have seen me dressed & made up a few times.

OTOH, your wife may just really hate wearing dresses. As is her right. If you understand why, and the intensity of her feelings on this issue, it may help you compromise on this for her sake.

When your sewing skills are up to speed, make a simple shift & tell her she can cut it up after you try it on, if she really hates it that much. It could be good therapy. For both of you.


Quite a few years ago now, I had an accepting gf that wore skirts occasionally, but she hated wearing dresses. They made her feel too much like she was conforming to the stereotype of femininity of her mother's generation. And she didn't like to wear makeup much, either. Damn feminists! At least she did enjoy wearing nice undies. Don't get me wrong. She always looked great, no matter what she wore. I just wished she'd dress up a bit more. Oh well. In guy mode, I'm not a snappy dresser, so why should I expect to get girls who dress more up-market than me?

One time, we were at a weekend-long party and some of the women there thought she'd look great in a dress. They gave her a beautiful green floral print short sleeved dress, in a WWII-era style. She looked gorgeous in it, but wouldn't wear it. Fortunately it looked ok on me.


I want to wear a dress on New Year's Eve. I'm determined!



Robin

[Maggie Kay]

The issue has many facets. My SO is a bit of a tomboy, preferring the company of guys and not getting along with women very well. She doesn't hate dresses but thinks of them as not practical. She is very practical. However, she looks really great in a dress and knows it. She never played with dolls as a girl.

She does admit that she has some gender issues but exactly what, she won't say. My wearing a dress crosses a line where it is blatantly obvious that I am TG, and it pushes her too hard to question her own issues. I envy her ability to bury her issues. If I had that ability, you would barely see any femme characteristics about me and I would never discuss or think of them.

So the way I see it, I can't discuss this issue with her because it tramples on both our gender issues. That is why I feel like it is playing with fire. Still, my desires to express femininity get stronger day by day, putting more and more pressure on me and on her.

I have a pattern for a nice jumper that will fit me perfectly. I cannot believe how strong the desire is to make that dress. I think about it so much that I might slip-up and blurt out something about it.

Yes, hormones are OK but outward dressing is not. Why? So far few notice a B cup on a guy in femme pants. They will take notice when it is a dress. It must remain ambiguous. Up to now that was fine with me. However, it is changing.

What I really want and I'm saying it for the first time outside of my head is full woman's dress. The works from the skin out, makeup, dress, shoes, handbag, nails, hairstyle, be called Kay and to live that way.... with her. I gotta lie down now....

[Calliope]

The issue has many facets. My SO is a bit of a tomboy, preferring the company of guys and not getting along with women very well. She doesn't hate dresses but thinks of them as not practical. She is very practical. However, she looks really great in a dress and knows it. She never played with dolls as a girl.

This is real familiar to me. I've always been mated with what I call high-testosterone womyn. A lot of times, the feminine and masculine roles were switched - successfully, up to a point. Regarding my last SO, I had occasion to wonder if she didn't have some lesbian proclivities - if that were the case, I could see how my female presentation might have been working her psyche.

[Sarahgurl371]

I have been trying to get to the core of my wife's seeming acceptance and then abrupt about face for some time. I have wondered if I bring up issues for her, and have asked, she just won't say. The longer this poor marriage goes on, the less she talks about any of this. Just stoicly sits there with a blank face. It is hard enough to understand these issues and how they affect myself. I can barely function. Let alone trying to figure her out. How can you help someone who apparantly doesn't want to move??

Kay, if that is the first time you have said that outside your own head, you had better hold on.

[Kristen Kelly]

Hormones ok, but dresses are a no-no? Interesting...
Robin

[SIZE="3"]The fem mind not logical my gf is ok with panties all the time on me but nail polish on the toes a no no! [/SIZE]

[finacarina]

She should know someone has to wear the skirts in the family? Does she let you wear heels?

[Sejd]

Hi Kay Renee
I am sorry that your counseling experience was a dissaster. Sometimes a shift of therapist can clear up the confusion. I would give it another try. After all, you are both dealing with some real issues here. Issues about controll and transexuality. Neither of them easy topics. Anyway, I hope you all work it out.
hugs
Sejd

[Robin Leigh]

She does admit that she has some gender issues but exactly what, she won't say. My wearing a dress crosses a line where it is blatantly obvious that I am TG, and it pushes her too hard to question her own issues. I envy her ability to bury her issues. If I had that ability, you would barely see any femme characteristics about me and I would never discuss or think of them.

It's not really buried: if it was, your TG/CDing wouldn't cause her such trauma. It's never good to bury major issues; they just fester & rot beneath the surface, which can have a negative impact on the whole personality. It's my feeling that working on your SO's gender issues is probably more important at this stage than moving forward with your own TG goals. This will not be easy if she can't talk about it. Try to find another councillor, one that is competent in gender issues.

I hope you two can work something out that you're both comfortable with. In the meantime, have fun sewing!



Robin

[Maggie Kay]

Fina, No, only one pair of mules, Sigh...

Sejd, yes that was traumatic. We lost a lot trust in the whole field. Now it is such a verboten subject that we tip toe around it as much as possible. I really don't know how we will handle it. I don't have my options here. Time,distance, funds, available help are all limits that don't overlap with a solution right now.

Robin, I think that you may be right but bringing them up is a possible volcano. Women who dislike femme things can get some relief in our culture that we cannot. So she has a way to express herself the way she wants. I, on the other hand, cannot. If I bring up the subject with her, it could be another blowup.

Thanks for all the good wishes though and I finished a nice first project yesterday. I got a very good grade from her! I can do this sewing thing!

[AmberTG]

Kay, I hate to say it but, if this is the first time you've verbalized your true feelings outside your own head, you better buckle your seatbelt and put the seat in it's upright and locked position, cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride for a while. Once you open Pandora's box, you can't close the lid again, it just doesn't stay closed. I agree that her issues could be really important to this situation, but getting her to admit to them and work on them..., well, good luck with that!

[Maggie Kay]

Once, my wife asked me if I wanted to live as a woman and I without thinking said yes. It started a blow up of seismic proportions leading to me suddenly having a sudden sharp pain in my head. It was so intense, I had to go to bed and it took several days to clear. I suppose it was a stroke. I didn't see a doctor because, frankly, I really didn't care if I died at that moment. That was six months ago. I'm better now. We got it back in the road because I admitted I was not TG. In fact, my wife said that she does not believe that TG exists. She discussed it with our daughter and my daughter told her that it does. My wife was not convinced by her. I have not had an open talk with my daughter about it but based on her comments, I think she knows what is happening to me. My wife and I nearly had another talk a few days ago but I started seeing the same old body language and phrases so I shut it down cold. She says she wants to talk about it again and that she is more open to change that I believe. However, based on what happened last summer, I am taking a huge risk to open the subject again. Other than that time, I have not deliberately told anyone that I wanted to live as a woman, until now. The admission has already had some effects. I sense a new level of determinism in me that is growing stronger. The inner female seems to be stronger and bolder. I'm wondering if I will be able to continue keeping her repressed now. That prospect is a bit scary.