What is your Gender Disphoria like?

[Siobhan Marie]

[SIZE="3"]My body as a rule doesn't bother me. I need to lose a lot of weight and I know that and I am currently doing something about it (I'm on a diet). There is one thing about my body that I hate and that is my body hair and I do shave that off. I will be getting my back waxed over time, that I don't like but at the moment although there's not much I can do about it. As I said when I answered Kay's questions looking at my naked body does bother me but it doesn't distress me as I know that something will done about it, ie surgery.

Anna Marie x[/SIZE]

[Lisa Maren]

Hi there

My realization of my (I'm now 99% sure) female gender identity evolved along emotional lines far before physical lines, but there are many different ways that people figure this out.

For me, I experienced things like always wanting to wear the pretty dress that pretty girl's wearing (with the tights and everything) while I was growing up along with being a very empathetic and emotional person (way more so than a typical GM). I love my emotions now and I choose music and movies based on what moves me more than anything else (nice lyrics are a plus) -- "moving me" can include thrilling me, mind you. I express my emotions through singing along to music (or playing music or writing music) and writing poetry, so I'm very expressive indeed.

I long to grow my hair long and I think that for the first time, I may not let my body hair grow back come summer time. I don't like my body hair anymore, and I hate shaving my face. I would love to have a nice mani and pedi and keep my digits looking pretty.

Then there are other things, like when I was in summer camp during ages 10-15 those days were the happiest of my life -- they were also the only days when I behaved in a rather feminine manner without fear of being reprimanded for doing so.

I'm kind of jumping around, but I had several different kinds of hints along the way that have led me to my tentative conclusion that I identify as female.

Now I need to talk to a specialist.

Best of luck with your journey!

Hugs,
Lisa

[cindianna_jones]

I completed my transition nearly twenty years ago. So my answers reflect my current thinking. I think this is a good thing for you to get a feeling of what happens to someone after they have been through it all.

How do you handle interactions with members of your birth gender? Can you join in their groups e.g. hobbies, sports, chats around the water cooler etc.

Yes. I'm fine with all of that. I enjoy talking with men and women. I never really had a problem with this before hand however.

Do you have a group of people that you chum around with who know of your gender issues?

While I have lifelong friends who are TG/TS, they are not part of the group I socialize on a frequent basis. My best friend was TS and transistioned a couple years after me. We talk and exchange emails but only get to see each other 3 or 4 times a year. My current list of friends do not know.

Do you avoid going out in public so as to minimize exposure your gender issues?

No. I have no gender issues. I don't go to fancy events much because I don't like to get dressed up. Before my transition, that's all I dreamed about. Now, I don't care. I do perform fairly frequently and I dress nicely fro that.

Do you become withdraw and become introverted, non communicative with family and friends?

I did before, now I'm the opposite. I'm very open and talkative. Sometimes people get tired of listening to me!

When you wear gender appropriate clothes do you get depressed? Do you wear nice drab clothes or ratty old stuff because it doesn't matter anyway.?

No. That's cause I wear whatever I want whenever I want. Mostly it's jeans and tees.

Do you have nightmares about gender issues or body images? Variations of the naked in public dreams...

This was very common for me and even for years after my surgery. About 7 years ago, they quit playing. Now I just have the standard nightmares that everyone else has.

Do you find jokes that people tell about the opposite sex offensive but feel compelled to laugh with the crowd anyway?

If something is funny, I enjoy it. If it is inappropriate, I let people know. I never let any comment slide that is hurtul.

Ever have to bite your lip when the other GG's talk about cosmetics, clothes or personal care issues that you may know more about? If so, does that make you feel isolated because you cannot join in as an equal? Or if you do say something and are dismissed because you are not a GG, do you just die a little inside?

No. This is not a problem for me. It never has been.

Even though it is dangerous, do you self medicate for gender change at any level? Does it help?

No. I would never do this. The potential for liver damage is to high.

How do you cope with others who think that this condition is a choice?

I tell them it is a choice like breathing is a choice for them. I also tell them that it has nothing to do with sexual acts or desires.

I'm happy to elaborate on any comment... just let me know with a more specific question.

Chin up!

Cindi

[Lisa Maren]

Cindi, I love your breathing analogy.

I used to say it's a choice with no options, but I like "it's a choice like breathing is a choice" a lot better!

Hugs,
Lisa

[Lauren B]

How do you handle interactions with members of your birth gender? Can you join in their groups e.g. hobbies, sports, chats around the water cooler etc.

I can chat sports with the best of them. I love them. I don't even really know why, because who wins and loses means nothing in the big picture, but anyway... I don't think that sports are necessarily a "guy" thing.

Do you have a group of people that you chum around with who know of your gender issues?

Nuh-uh. Not in "real life", anyway. A couple of dear friends online know, but that's it.

Do you avoid going out in public so as to minimize exposure your gender issues?

Not really. But then again, all I'm doing right now is growing out my hair, so it's not as if I'm obviously "gender ambiguous". I hope that by the time more changes become obvious, I'll be comfortable enough with myself where that won't be an issue.

Do you become withdraw and become introverted, non communicative with family and friends?

Yes. I have to get over that whole "If they REALLY knew about me, they'd drop me like a hot potato" thing I have going on.

When you wear gender appropriate clothes do you get depressed? Do you wear nice drab clothes or ratty old stuff because it doesn't matter anyway.?

I do get a little depressed, even though women's clothes "feel right". I guess it's because I feel like I'm not in a position to wear them all the time, so it's like "playing dressup". My drab clothes- they're only as nice as they have to be for me to get by.

Do you have nightmares about gender issues or body images? Variations of the naked in public dreams...

I haven't had any in a while. I used to have dreams where I would find myself in women's clothes around my former in-laws, who knew nothing about my gender issues. It was so weird- in those dreams, they interacted with me like nothing was different.

Do you find jokes that people tell about the opposite sex offensive but feel compelled to laugh with the crowd anyway?

No, I don't laugh at those kinds of jokes. Jokes that aim to hurt just aren't funny, and I don't care who knows that I feel that way.

Ever have to bite your lip when the other GG's talk about cosmetics, clothes or personal care issues that you may know more about? If so, does that make you feel isolated because you cannot join in as an equal? Or if you do say something and are dismissed because you are not a GG, do you just die a little inside?

Oh yeah. I am very conscious of not coming across like I know "too much".

Even though it is dangerous, do you self medicate for gender change at any level? Does it help?

I wouldn't even consider it. I'm not a doctor, and self-medicating isn't worth the risk of permanent liver damage.

How do you cope with others who think that this condition is a choice?

I tolerate them Seriously, I just try to get across that no one that didn't feel they HAD to deal with this certainly wouldn't choose to.

[Sarahgurl371]

How about anger? Anger that I have to deal with this all. Anger that it won't go away. Anger that I wasn't born female. Anger that for the sake of every one around me I cannot just do what I want to do. Angry at myself for being what I feel is selfish, self absorbed.

Frustration. Frustration at the confusion whirling around in my mind, and what to do about it. Seems I cannot step outside my head and see clearly. Frustration that I do not look like I want too. Frustration with the rest of the world. I have been frustrated since I can remember. Never able to just calm down and relax. I really hate feeling this way. I really hate not being able to get a handle on this. That just adds to the frustration. Frustration with people very close to me who DO NOT accept this/me. I am the same person I have always been. Now I am just aware of what is going on inside, and so are they. They think It makes me different now.

Fear. Fear of the future. What will it hold? I am in a place where I don't want to stay. But it seems I am immobilized by the fear of "what if" no matter which road I "choose." I have realized thru introspection that I have suffered from fear my whole life. I "knew" years ago that I had alot of fear. But always thought it was some other psychological condition. I have realized that My Fears result from my T issues. "Because I have these desires, Bad things will happen to others I love." Makes for a long day thinking this way.

Envy. Being this way, and not dealing with it real well, makes me envious of people who are "just themselves" and not afraid to show it. The out homosexual, the TS who follows her dreams, the Freak who doesn't care what other will think about them. Envy of the freedom that comes with self acceptance and self confidence.

Jealousy. Jealous of most all the real people in the world. Jealous of the GGs, whom I just want to be. Even jealous of the GMs who are themselves and never had to ask these questions of themselves.

I guess this post is dealing with some very "negative" thoughts and emotions that I feel from living with gender dysphoria. This bothers me because this is not the person I know myself to be. This is not how I want to be in the world. It bothers me because I think these negative emotions come from my "uniqueness" and my "awareness" of it. I know they come about because of it. It seems I can find some of the worst of human traits within myself because this exists in me. I shouldn't be, don't want to be, Angry, Frustrated, Envious, Jealous. So I spend alot of time daily staving off these thoughts as well.

I have read many times of how T people become so much "better, well grounded, whole, happy" people once they deal with this all and are true with themselves. I HOPE that is the case, and will be the case with me once I finally get past this all.

[Lauren B]

The one thing that I have to say bugs me the most about it all is that I feel that my gender issues consume so much of my energy, and that I have become so self-absorbed. I sometimes feel like I have nothing to give other people because I am pouring so much energy into figuring myself out.

[Linda Daniels]

All of you girls have my head spinning right now! Certainly I find myself consumed with the subject that we are talking about...and it is like some obsession for me. Looking back, I remember just hating growing hair and plucked it out...I've always disliked haveing my picture taken...always, and I never realized the reason! Now I find my boy parts an embarisment to me and I find that real breasts wouldn't be so bad at all...in fact I feel like if they just appeared it would be absolutely wonderful and I wouldn't have to deal with being a boy anymore...the dreams I have are of waking up one day and finding only female things in my closet so I would be forced (encouraged) not to pretend anymore...to anyone, including myself!

This hasn't been a structured answer, but I have a feeling that there will be some recognition out there...

Huggs to all...

Linda

[Maggie Kay]

Cindi,
It is really interesting to read your responses as they validate the notion that gender disphoria can be relieved. You are an inspiration and your efforts to help the rest of us is wonderful. Thank you for the hope you give.

Tanmmy,
I can certainly agree with your negative feelings too on the situation. The constant frustration that GD brings with it drives me insane. If it were not for family and social opposition to GD treatment, i.e. living as a woman, I'd be there. Even then though, the fact that I'll never be able to experience the trappings of a young woman and must be relegated to a matron status, makes me a bit sad. I see movies of Angelina Jolie, Dianna Rigg, Kate Beckensale and can only sigh to have missed the opportunity to wear things and dress like they did. What would it be like to play golf or swim or hike in the mountains as a vital young woman? At any rate, having GD a condition that is nearly universally regarded as reflecting on my character instead of a malady is just about the cruelest slow burn that I can imagine. Every thing I do has to be examined to see if it will bring me criticism or back lash. Every day in every way, GD affects what I do and I too am "sick of it" but that doesn't make it go away. No, I still gotta put that bra on and go out there in that world, come what may. I envy the CD'ers in the CD forum. They seem to be having a whole lot more fun with it.

[Sarahgurl371]

At any rate, having GD a condition that is nearly universally regarded as reflecting on my character instead of a malady is just about the cruelest slow burn that I can imagine. .

What a very descriptive phrase.

Every thing I do has to be examined to see if it will bring me criticism or back lash. Every day in every way, GD affects what I do and I too am "sick of it" but that doesn't make it go away. No, I still gotta put that bra on and go out there in that world, come what may. I envy the CD'ers in the CD forum. They seem to be having a whole lot more fun with it.

I have often wondered how so many people seem to have such a good time with CDing. For me, it just brings more anguish, a feeling of fakeness. Yes, I feel good when I do, but taking it off brings it all back. What I mean to say is that it is a let down for sure to have to change back to Drab. But it while I am en femme I still see the maleness of my body which leads to depressing thoughts. Then I know that the mental games will start again.

There seems to be alot about this that I like. And there was a time many years ago that I was able to just "have fun" and forget about it, UNTIL the next time, except for the guilt that I just did it again. But if I were offered a Pill to make it all go away I wouldn't have taken it. As the years have progressed, and my desire has grown, I fing myself wishing I could just be a regular guy, or a CD who just enjoys it once in a while, I think that would be so much easier. I know that I can never be what I truly want to be, which is a girl, born that way, raised that way. So being stuck here somewhere in the middle and feeling all this crap everyday, Yes, I WOULD take the pill.

[jamie_44]

I am on the same page as Tammy's last thread. I also want to be something that is almost impossible for me, while dressed I am thinking - I wish I was totally female- with no male flaws showing. Taking the stuff off really hurts. I told my therapist I would like to be normal like the other guys at work and not have to deal with this huge issue. Sometimes I try to think I am normal and then there I am in the shower shaving legs, chest, arms, etc- not standard operating procedure for a guy. I can not seem to stop this male to female path I am travelling down. I started the hormones again because I thought that I was losing the little progress I had made toward femanizing. My wife feels sorry for me. The dysphoria is a very difficult life situation. I also would take a pill if it would allow me to be normal and not have to deal with this issue. Life is hard enough and the gender dysphoria makes it that much tougher.

[AmandaM]

I would take a pill to be either 100% male or 100% female. If I didn't have this confusion, I think I'd be much happier. I don't know how "regular people" ever get depressed or stressed! If I could choose? I'd take female.

[janedoe311]

I have spend weekends in bed because of it. Not sure how my wife deals with it. In any case I figure is ADD too, (Was seeing a physiologist and a psychiatrist for ADD and taking adderal). Much of what Amber said is me. I do not like what I see in the mirror and do not care for the thing down there except for standing up and peeing and to have kids and for my wife. I hate body hair and cannot stand to shave my face, always forget. Would love long hair and to wear dresses. I feel I should have breasts (feels like they are missing) and feel aggressive at using that thing on my wife, would perfer to feel something in me.

"Sick is it not?"

I can go on an on but I have said this before on other threads. Do not like repeating it, it is depressing.

I have two kids a wife and a house and a good job. I have to stay the way I am. My family comes first.

[Calliope]

The hair thing, yeh, that's dysphoric.

Remember Cronenberg's remake of The Fly where the guy is sprouting these enormous hairs all the time? That's looking at myself in the shower in the morning. Time-consuming, obsessive, it's a battle with the body. At least that is what I told my doctor and why I want those hormones. I could care less about having a foxy body - I'm not looking for anyone - but those hairs are alien agents bent on provoking my psyche!

Other stuff, too.