Well, I've been talking a lot with my lovemate about all this stuff, gender issues and all that, and it really really helps. Because he wants to know everything and analyse everything and think about everything it's making me do the same thing. And finding a way to explain it all to him helps me explain it all to myself. And I thought I might write it down, and what better place to do that than here?
It started more or less when I hit puberty. As soon as that happened I changed physically in ways I didn't want to, and everyone around me changed. No one interacted with the opposite sex purely for friendship. No one wanted to play games. Girls because shallow, self-obsessed, bitchy things that I hated. I didn't feel like I fit in or belonged with them at all. I did not want to be female.
So, the natural thing to do when you hate one of two choices is to choose the other one. So I started dressing like a guy. I figured I wanted to be one. I read about it and it seemed to make sense. But, at the same time, the more I read the more I got a niggly little feeling that I wasn't really a 'guy trapped in a girl's body' either. I never felt like a guy from a very young age. I just chose it when girlhood displeased me immensely.
So, I don't want to be a girl, I don't feel I fit in there, but I'm not a guy, and probably wouldn't fit in there either.
I think I'd be happy being something inbetween. It's how I feel inside, so I'd like it to be shown outside as well.
I'd like to move somewhere new and try living as a guy, crossdressing 24/7. I feel I should try it out before I even consider choosing a gender.
If I even choose one at all.