My experiment...

[pocoyo]

Even though I am longing to just declare to the world "I'm a boy gettit?" and transition. I feel I must check.
Yes I have been a boy/been a girl/been a boy/been a girl/been a secret hybrid etc. through my life but I never realised I was FtM before. I only realised there were others like me, and that people can transition, over the last few years.

I am pulled so strongly to just become a boy but... at the moment I am growing my hair so that I can "give it another go" (being a girl)... sort of like one last shot at being that young lady that my family & friends know and love. (Even though it will be frustrating when people are seeing me as a proper girl).

It's ok to have long hair because at least I can look piratey/rock dude etc but obviously with my quite girly/pretty features it's better for me to have emo/skatery/shorter floppy hair.

*sighs* so I am trying to become a cool looking/slightly androgynous girl for a while (albeit one that doesn't like having a girl shaped body).
It hurts but is probably necessary.

Yeah, I'm still confused.

And as a lot of you know I am probably havin' to meet my "perfect" (looking and talented) possible half-brother over the next couple of weeks. I recently declared to his dad that I am transgender. I do not want to feel all girly next to them but as usual I am confused as to how to present myself to the world..... they'd like me better if I was girly, but I'd feel really inferior.

So I'll probably go as some sort of androgynous person (which isn't me) as a sort of compromise.

I'm longing to just get my hair whopped off a bit shorter (like the hairstyle in my current avatar) though, and go all boyish and cheeky... I am so so SO tempted. Oh man. I want to get it cut like, today!

My mum would be so sad if I cut my hair off again after promising I'd grow it too.
Well.. it's nearly long now (I'm lucky that it grows fast).
Perhaps I should just grin and bear it... the sooner I get to looking all girly, the sooner I can tell if it feels right and whether I should just go with my boyishness.
Maybe I could just have it cut today then get hair extensions.. Heh.

Ooh, I need some guidance and a hug.

*sighs*

[Marcie Sexton]

Sounds as though you need someone to talk( vent ) to...It is really sad when soem one is sad and has no one whom they can convey how they feel. Even when they do they hear but don't listen, sorta like not being able to see the forest for the trees.

I hope you can come to a resolution that makes you happy. You are the most important person. I would suggest you try to find some professional help. Perhaps then you can get a perspective on life that will make you happy...

I'm sure that every one here will support you to the fullest.

Good luck

Marcie

[Adam]

right first off ((((hugs)))))

now i no where you are comeing from when i was 22 i tryed this be a girl for them kinda thing and it dident work out for me but i cant see the harm in trying at least then you can say you gave it a go.

and i no alot of guys with long hair its kinda a surf dude look so even with your hair long days you really feel like being totally dude you can still do it

maybe a sit down sometime with your family if you already told them and explain that there is information you can show them ect to help them understand.

but as like you said your not 100% sure how you feel yet why not just find whats right for you before make your mind up in telling everyone your young and got many years to make up your mind.

enjoy being you and finding yourself

[Kieron Andrew]

question? are you doing this for yourself or others? if its to please others be very careful because you could end up making yourself miserable and becoming resentful of others for making you feel you needed to do this! if its for yourself best of luck on your quest

[pocoyo]

Sounds as though you need someone to talk( vent ) to...It is really sad when soem one is sad and has no one whom they can convey how they feel. Even when they do they hear but don't listen, sorta like not being able to see the forest for the trees.

I hope you can come to a resolution that makes you happy. You are the most important person. I would suggest you try to find some professional help. Perhaps then you can get a perspective on life that will make you happy...

I'm sure that every one here will support you to the fullest.

Good luck

Marcie

Thank you very much Marcie
Yeah I really need to get a therapist about it. I did have a counsellor but was only allowed 8 sessions d'oh.
Btw that's so true about sometimes talking to people but they don't seem to listen or properly understand.
Aaw thank you

right first off ((((hugs)))))

now i no where you are comeing from when i was 22 i tryed this be a girl for them kinda thing and it dident work out for me but i cant see the harm in trying at least then you can say you gave it a go.

and i no alot of guys with long hair its kinda a surf dude look so even with your hair long days you really feel like being totally dude you can still do it

maybe a sit down sometime with your family if you already told them and explain that there is information you can show them ect to help them understand.

but as like you said your not 100% sure how you feel yet why not just find whats right for you before make your mind up in telling everyone your young and got many years to make up your mind.

enjoy being you and finding yourself

Hi Adam awww thanks (((((hug)))))
Yeah at least I'm giving it a go hehe.
My family do sort of know now, my mum knows quite a bit... but she finds it a bit intense so sometimes I want to show her loads of stuff and it's too much for her to take in. I will try and get them to really understand though. I think. Thanks for being sweet about long hair too.
Thank you

question? are you doing this for yourself or others? if its to please others be very careful because you could end up making yourself miserable and becoming resentful of others for making you feel you needed to do this! if its for yourself best of luck on your quest

You make a very good point Kieron.
I know... a lot of it is for others actually. But I do also want to "find out" for myself if I can be a girl (even though I secretly already know the answer). But it's worth a go to see how it feels I suppose.
Thanks dude

Thank you for all your wise & kind words people.

I'm not having a good day and a minute ago a man's dog went for mine in the street and I went "oii" to tell it off.. and the man gave me a really horrible look and said "don't be silly love".
grrr. I had already been on the verge of a panic attack before I even met the vicious dog and that had just really p*ssed me off. As he walked off I yelled something like
"Sorry but my dog gets picked on a lot and I'm sick of it...... and I'm not a love... I'm a BOY!" in the middle of the street right near where I live... great lol. It made me want to run and get my hair cut even more.

[bi_weird]

Oh Poc. *BIG HUG* (you're totally brining out the empathetic girl in me...and making me late to class, hehe)
I understand questioning. I think it's pretty common. My asexual friend and I have had many conversations where we talk about the fear of making it all up, that we went through so much emotional crap and took other people with us, and maybe we were just doing it for attention or something silly like that. Right now I'm also in another weird phase, where I don't want to be bi or trans, or geeky or tall or anything weird. I want to be very normal, because it's simpler.
So yes, while you may be doing this for other people, I can understand doing it. Just be honest with yourself (I know, you've heard that). After you've done the girl thing for awhile, make yourself think about how it's made you feel, with no thoughts for other people. Even if you have to slow things down for other people, the final form you chose has to be based on you.
Between now and then, just have fun. When it gets to you, view it as a dress up game. When it gets to you more, wear a tie. Or spit. I like to spit, and throw things off balconys. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always willing to play big sister/brother. All my little brother ever does is yell at me and steal the car, or mope around the house (he's 18 going on 15), so I'd be glad of a change.
Hope things get easier for you. I'll be thinking happy thoughts for ya.

[Kate Simmons]

Doesn't matter to me Poc. I love Poc, the Purser and Poc the guy who is full of life. You do what you feel you have to Hon. You are always okay in my book because it is and always will be the inner you that I care about, regardless of appearance. The quality of a person is determined by their character and not what they look like. Your adventures and feelings always have a special meaning to me because I know what is in your heart. Take care my friend and don't worry because your friends are always here to support and love you no matter what.

[Sheila]

pocoyo,


Jess

[Abraxas]

Ahh, pocs, wish I could give you advice, but really only you know how you feel. Experiment all you'd like-- it'll probably be good for you. But how you're seen on the outside doesn't change who you are on the inside.

[Kimberley]

Pocs, my thoughts are too long for the forum. I put it in an email but you can reply here if you want.

Kimberley

[pocoyo]

Oh Poc. *BIG HUG* (you're totally brining out the empathetic girl in me...and making me late to class, hehe)
I understand questioning. I think it's pretty common. My asexual friend and I have had many conversations where we talk about the fear of making it all up, that we went through so much emotional crap and took other people with us, and maybe we were just doing it for attention or something silly like that.

Hi Bi. Thanks so much for your lovely reply. It really helped cheer me up earlier *BIG HUG* back!
Yeah I have thought stuff like that too... like trying to think of ANY THING that it could be! There are so many different ideas and theories I come up with/wonder about. It's definitely not about attention in my case though because I kept it secret and hidden for so long...

Right now I'm also in another weird phase, where I don't want to be bi or trans, or geeky or tall or anything weird. I want to be very normal, because it's simpler.

Yeah I know what you mean lol! Sometimes it feels like it would be nice to just have a rest from thinking about all this stuff.
I hope the "being normal" is nice for you, but remember... "normal" is boring... you are special and fun and exciting

So yes, while you may be doing this for other people, I can understand doing it. Just be honest with yourself (I know, you've heard that). After you've done the girl thing for awhile, make yourself think about how it's made you feel, with no thoughts for other people.

Sounds like a really sensible plan.

Even if you have to slow things down for other people, the final form you chose has to be based on you.

gulp... I know you're right, but... I don't want to upset people... you know? (Of course you know.)

Between now and then, just have fun.

Sounds good! I will try.

When it gets to you, view it as a dress up game. When it gets to you more, wear a tie. Or spit. I like to spit, and throw things off balconys.

Hehehe! Also sounds good!

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always willing to play big sister/brother.

Aaww thank you so much. You definitely seem someone that gives great and caring advice. I'd love you to be my big... sibling But er... I think I'm older than you, although I know I don't look, act (or feel) it. *wild blushing*

All my little brother ever does is yell at me and steal the car, or mope around the house (he's 18 going on 15), so I'd be glad of a change.

Hahaha! I shouldn't laugh but you made that sound so funny!!!
Thank you!!

Hope things get easier for you. I'll be thinking happy thoughts for ya.

Thank you so much
***

[pocoyo]

Doesn't matter to me Poc. I love Poc, the Purser and Poc the guy who is full of life. You do what you feel you have to Hon. You are always okay in my book because it is and always will be the inner you that I care about, regardless of appearance. The quality of a person is determined by their character and not what they look like. Your adventures and feelings always have a special meaning to me because I know what is in your heart. Take care my friend and don't worry because your friends are always here to support and love you no matter what.

Thank you so much Salandra, that's really lovely.
Awwww! You're right of course. But it just feels sometimes like I could be a better person with a slightly different appearance (as silly as that sounds when you are saying such sensible and lovely things).
Thanks for being so lovely
I'm really glad you're not leaving btw!!!

***

pocoyo,


Jess

Aww thank you

****

Ahh, pocs, wish I could give you advice, but really only you know how you feel. Experiment all you'd like-- it'll probably be good for you. But how you're seen on the outside doesn't change who you are on the inside.

Thanks Benny,
Yeah I suppose experimenting is good, healthy and like Bi said... can be fun!
That is such a reassuring sentence "how you are on the outside doesn't change who you are on the inside". People say it to me a lot, but the way you said it so simply made me realise that I am probably the same person whatever I look like! (But you know... it would be nice to have male features etc!)
Thank you

*****

Pocs, my thoughts are too long for the forum. I put it in an email but you can reply here if you want.

Kimberley

Thanks very much for your message Kimberley. It was very thought provoking and interesting and helpful (and caring!)

Thank you very much

[CaptLex]

question? are you doing this for yourself or others? if its to please others be very careful because you could end up making yourself miserable and becoming resentful of others for making you feel you needed to do this! if its for yourself best of luck on your quest

Kieron beat me to it. In your intro post you said you were growing your hair to give being a girl another go, but then you stated that your mum would be sad if you cut it. So that got me wondering the same as Kieron said . . . are you doing it for you (and your own experiment) or for someone else? I think experiments are great, and Lord knows I did a lot of that myself for a good long time (and learned a lot), but I was just wondering about your motivation. Would you be unhappy with any particular result of your experimentation, or would you be able to accept whatever you discover? Even if you think it might be unacceptable to others? Good luck to you, hun, you know we're here for you through all your ups and downs. <-- (that's a manly kiss, dude )

[pocoyo]

Kieron beat me to it. In your intro post you said you were growing your hair to give being a girl another go, but then you stated that your mum would be sad if you cut it. So that got me wondering the same as Kieron said . . . are you doing it for you (and your own experiment) or for someone else? I think experiments are great, and Lord knows I did a lot of that myself for a good long time (and learned a lot), but I was just wondering about your motivation. Would you be unhappy with any particular result of your experimentation, or would you be able to accept whatever you discover? Even if you think it might be unacceptable to others? Good luck to you, hun, you know we're here for you through all your ups and downs. <-- (that's a manly kiss, dude )

Hey I don't care if it's a campy gay kiss! (You know ME!)
So c'mere and give us another...
Yeah your post makes loads of sense.
Ok so it is primarily for other people I think.. but like Bi says.. it IS for myself as well... just to see... you know..

Yeah actually.. I would be unhappy with one outcome.....I would be very unhappy if I discovered that I was a normal girl... how weird is that? But I think that is because I know I'm not, so....
Thanks so much my friend

[kerrianna]

I'm not having a good day and a minute ago a man's dog went for mine in the street and I went "oii" to tell it off.. and the man gave me a really horrible look and said "don't be silly love".
grrr. I had already been on the verge of a panic attack before I even met the vicious dog and that had just really p*ssed me off. As he walked off I yelled something like
"Sorry but my dog gets picked on a lot and I'm sick of it...... and I'm not a love... I'm a BOY!" in the middle of the street right near where I live... great lol. It made me want to run and get my hair cut even more.

Well fk, good for you Pocs! You acted like the alpha male -
I would have done the same thing - stuck up for my dog and stuck up for myself!

I'm sorry I missed this thread earlier - I was too busy tempting pirates. Jeez, no wonder you got into a scrap with that other cabin boy.

I'm going to PM you because I really don't know enough about you or your life other than what I've read, so I don't want to just give general advice. I like what everyone else has said here though.

You have something going for you: you're young and you have an active, questioning and creative mind.

You have something going against you: you're young and you have an active, questioning and creative mind.

I guess what I'm saying is it's your life to live and it will always be a roller coaster trying to find your path. It doesn't necessarily get easier with age...you just learn better what to let go of and what to keep.

Maybe my PM will be more useful. At any rate , you do a mighty fine job being a great and classy human being Pocs, especially for a young 'un.

Not bad in the hot tub either. :blushing:

[Lex]

Sounds like you won't enjoy looking like a girl, but it might be a good idea to test it out. It'll help you figure out what you do and do not like about being a girl, and about being a guy and maybe help you decide which you'd rather be.

[pocoyo]

Well fk, good for you Pocs! You acted like the alpha male -
I would have done the same thing - stuck up for my dog and stuck up for myself!

I'm sorry I missed this thread earlier - I was too busy tempting pirates. Jeez, no wonder you got into a scrap with that other cabin boy.

I'm going to PM you because I really don't know enough about you or your life other than what I've read, so I don't want to just give general advice. I like what everyone else has said here though.

You have something going for you: you're young and you have an active, questioning and creative mind.

You have something going against you: you're young and you have an active, questioning and creative mind.

I guess what I'm saying is it's your life to live and it will always be a roller coaster trying to find your path. It doesn't necessarily get easier with age...you just learn better what to let go of and what to keep.

Maybe my PM will be more useful. At any rate , you do a mighty fine job being a great and classy human being Pocs, especially for a young 'un.

Not bad in the hot tub either. :blushing:

Haha cool answers Thank you very much!
Thanks for my PM too... I sent you one back....!

Sounds like you won't enjoy looking like a girl, but it might be a good idea to test it out. It'll help you figure out what you do and do not like about being a girl, and about being a guy and maybe help you decide which you'd rather be.

Thanks Lex!
Your answer is simple and to the point!
Sometimes that's such a cool style of answer to read.. it makes sense and is easy to understand.
Cheers dude, thanks!

[ubokvt]

Hugs, lots, positive waves, good thoughts, deep respect what ever it takes .

Who am I? Its "THE" question we all ask, always keep asking and exploring who you are. Anything you do to understand is great and it assures you won't have an unlived life. We trust you, what ever you think you need to do to understand who you are, do it.

But ... in an earlier thread you talked about a desire for a fathers attention...if your presenting to please or get a parents love think about it, there is a lot of pain down that path.

Still, we trust your wsdom to chose what is best for you at this time.

[Felix]

Wow Poc what a thought provoking thread!!!!
I think I've been fighting for one thing and another all my life I always seem to be fighting some battle or other. When I came out that was a huge battle it took about 26 years and then the battles just started. It calmed down somewhat but I think because of how I am and the things I believe in and the way I look at things I will always be battling. Does this make any sense? So no the first coming out has not meant things coming to an end its was just the start of a journey and now I'm kinda well not startin a new journey just in a new chapter cos I see my life like a book unfolding infront of me but one I can look back on and reflect xx Felix

[pocoyo]

Ub - awww thank you for your lovely & wise words

Felix - it does make sense! but I don't want you to be "battling" ... unless you want to... I think there are easier ways to do things...?
I like the image of your life being an open book and that you look back and reflect



Oooh Kiieerron... look what I've got!....


[Edit:Piccies gawn!]

[pocoyo]

and a few more.

[Edit:These ones have gone too!]

[Kieron Andrew]

Ub - awww thank you for your lovely & wise words

Felix - it does make sense! but I don't want you to be "battling" ... unless you want to... I think there are easier ways to do things...?
I like the image of your life being an open book and that you look back and reflect



Oooh Kiieerron... look what I've got!....

Cow! B*****d! ok which pronoun am i suppose to use right now!!

btw you look gorgeous im those pics!

*i didnt realise we could get oreo's over here!! where did you get em??

[pocoyo]

teeheehee I think we know who stole the cookies now

I got them from a newsagents/off licence type shop weirdly enough!
Every time I see them I think of you so this time I bought some to tease you with

Er I dunno what word to use... I uh... yeh!
Hehe thanks

[Kimberley]

Cookie!! Try a rum ball... or 2 or 3.

I buy them at a Polish Deli about a mile from home. Expensive but ohhhhh so worth it.

[Lisa Golightly]

You have a very cheeky smile... Sometimes blind faith and true belief are not gifts with which we are endowed. I used to head down the route of denial, bounced around between extremes and finally ended up in a 30 something 'oh sod it!' kind of place. I know what I am, and I know what I've chosen... Some people who've headed blindly down a road of binary choices fail to understand that sometimes we have too many shades to be strict primary types.

The answers tend to always seem just out of reach in your peripheral thought, but they hit you at some odd moments. I was always a ditherer, but for me that in itself led to some wonderful life experiences I would otherwise not have had.

Oh, if you want to cut your hair short, do so. I have some old wigs you can always borrow...