Explain to me one thing please?

[Country girl]

OKay, let me start by saying, due to some confusion, I am not, I repeat not, refering to anyone specific in this thread. These are just thoughts that I have been pondering and wanted other people's viewpoints on them. So that being said, here's the question.

I hope I don't upset anyone by asking this but, I read and reread in different threads how those of you who have an accepting SO/spouse/GF feel so fortunate to have someone who is accepting, yet at the same time I read how those of you who don't, would give anything to have one who did [accept]. So, tell me then, if you can, WHY are there CDer's out there who DO have a totally accepting SO yet it just isn't enough ? They shop for you and with you, want to go out with you while you are en femme, do all the things that you want to do as a CDer and still it just isn't enough? How hard can it be to realize how lucky you are to have a totally accepting SO ? Is it really asking to much to expect you to ask how our day is going? How about show an interest in what we like to wear, or are wearing with out it being from the standpoint of ohhh, I wish I had something like that? Are there other things in life to talk about besides every aspect of CDing? Is this the only part of life that matters? Do I sound a wee bit frustrated? Well I would really like some answers from the CDer's if anyone can help me. Thanks.
Country Girl gg

[MsEva]

Good post, I for one am one of the lucky ones. My dear wife has known for over ten years now and is fantastic. I tell her everyday. I send love emails to her daily. She knows that she is the love of my life. That is why I don't really need to get out as Eva, I am pretty content to dress, and have dinner with her, watch a movie, have some tea. Wow, I really am lucky...gotta write her a love letter..bye

[Diane Paris]

You ask, ..."WHY are there CDer's out there who DO have a totally accepting SO yet it just isn't enough ?"

I'm sure that you will hear many justifications and reasons for why we just don't get enough, but my answer is that cross dressing is an incredibly compulsive behavioral addiction. For me, it's that simple.

Thanks for asking great quetions.

Diane

[Carroll]

I can see what you mean. There are some here that have a supportive wife but complain when they cant do something like boob implants or feminization(sp?) face surgery. For me, I am happy to stay with-in the bounderys that my wife and I have agreed on. My wife has actually tried to push me farther by daring me to go to the store dressed. Still the chicken, I am :yikes:

[MsJanessa]

well one answer is that we are not all one demensional people---If crossdressing was the only thing we were concerned about then we would be in 7th heaven if a spouse TRUELY accepted it, to the point where she not only would have sex with us while we were dressed but would actually enjoy it. However such a person is truely rare and even when one does come along there are many more things that make for compatilbilty and longivity in a relationship. While cding can be a dealbreaker(one way or the other) for many couples, every T-Girl on this web is more than just a crossdresser--we are functioning human beings who have jobs, hobbies(other than cding), families and all the other baggage that goes with leading a life--although it is important to have a spouse who likes our cding and we should try to cultivate that relationship, the truth of the matter is that there are many other issues in most of our relationhips besides dressing. We shouldn't forget to work on those. Unfortunatly many of us do and with 1/2 of all marraiges ending in divorce, it doesn't suprise me that many of ours do also, regardless of our spouse's acceptance or nonacceptance of our dressing.

[MJ]

hi Country girl
very good question, i think because this forum is for cd'r we tend to talk about our-self's more so than about there so ?. i belive they do but just don't talk about them " and i think they should "
i would love to have that experience , but it's not going to happen
hugs Marissa

[suzy]

Hi Country Girl,

I have an accepting wife. I love her and enjoy a monogamous relationship. That is enough. Some aren't as fortunate and I'm sure we have all levels in between. My wife did ask for two considerations....1. That I give limit my cd dressing to about 50% of the time...she wants her husband as well and 2. That I don't ask her to dance while enfemme. Both are reasonable requests and I have agreed with both requests.

So, even though I don't have a 100% support in all that I do, I am fully content with what I do have. She has been supportative in all other aspects that I have wanted to do and even more....so no complaints from this "cowgirl."

[Tracy_Victoria]

I think the problem is one of time, space and other issues. I'm more than happy with the relationship I have with my partner, yes maybe I would like more, but I realise she has a life to, and that does not involve my dressing. Of late it been great to chat to her openly at odd times about my dressing, even joking about what is in this package or that just arrived!, But the fear of talking to her has never been hers, it's always been mine, ie my fear of pushing things to far!

The problem is we always tend to want more, be it another cup of tea, another sweet from the tin, more wages, bigger house, better car, more money to spend! Crossdressing is highly adictive, people don't realise how much unless you are a CD/TV, it gives a good feeling and is a buzz to the system, probably as adictive as any drug to some, therefore this is why you read these comments.

However if you asked if people would take more, and fear losing what they actually do have, I doubt many would want to take the risk. I certainly wouldn't, I'm happy with my lot and the agreement both Raksha and I have over this, in respect for the others feelings and needs!

[Emily Ann Brown]

Every CD/TG is a bit different and unique.... but many share the quality of selfishness. Guess it often comes with the condition. I am one of the sisters with a totally UNACCEPTING wife. I would love to have some acceptance and would probably bend over backwards to make her feel appreciated if she would just attempt to understand.

I will assume your question comes from personal frustration....hang in there. Be honest with your partner about how you feel. There is always hope for problems turning around.

Emily Ann

[marie354]

I have an accepting SO and I DO show her how much I care all the time. I give her a hug or kiss almost every time we are near. I buy her things too. Even if it's just a pair of earings, she loves it. I sometimes create a card on the computer and place it on her desk before she sits down.
I don't talk about her much here because this is a CD site about CD issues and not everyone has a SO.
I'm sure there are others here that respect there SO and just don't talk (brag) about her much.

[Dana Carlton]

...........cross dressing is an incredibly compulsive behavioral addiction.
Diane

So true. It's something I want to do 24/7, though I have cut back alot with it. My wife knew about my dressing before we were married (2nd marriage for both, married 2 years now). However, she didn't marry me because I was a crossdresser. She understands and accepts it as basically a hobby of mine. At times she fully enjoys it ( ), and other times she just tolerates it. If I do start going a little overbaord with it, she definately lets me know. And that I fully understand. If all I cared about was my dressing, she never would have married me. I still show plenty of interest in the things she cares about and likes to do. Marriage can not be one-sided.

You could relate your question to almost anything. Take sports as an example. If a husband watched sports on TV, goes to sporting events, reads sporting magazines, and couldn't get enough of sports, and thus totally ignored his wife's feelings and her interests because of his sports addiction, it's basically the same principal.

It is a very good question that you pose. However, it does not just relate to our crossdressing.

[Marla S]

Are there other things in life to talk about besides every aspect of CDing? Is this the only part of life that matters? Do I sound a wee bit frustrated? Well I would really like some answers from the CDer's if anyone can help me. Thanks.
Country Girl gg

I think only very few of us have really sattled the struggle of being CD and worked it out in a way that it is a "normal" part of ones identitiy. Self-acceptance isn't enough to reach this. That's an important reason why we are here.
An analogy that is often used is puberty.
An adolescent in puberty is highly compulsive and self-centered usually, only hears what he likes to hear, explores the extremes, doesn't care much about experiences or the feeling of others, the less he has "like-minded" companions.
I think there are a lot parallels to CDs. We didn't grow in this role within years or decades, we have to make a crash course. That's no excuse but might explain it a bit.
I have high respect for the SOs, that try to accept and support a pubescent CD.
Most become adult someday, some never, just like in real life.

[Tree GG]

...we would be in 7th heaven if a spouse TRUELY accepted it, ....
...such a person is truely rare and even when one does come along there are many more things that make for compatilbilty and longivity in a relationship. ...
...we should try to cultivate that relationship, ....

Agreed. Mutual respect, affection and appreciation are critical to a healthy relationship, IMO. As a GG/SO I choose which is more important - my comfort level or my relationship with my husband. He's been a faithful partner for 1/4 century - he's well within his rights to ask for a little "latitude" in his hobbies or behaviors.

He also has the right to choose which is more important - my comfort level or his needs (addiction if you want to call it that). As with any relationship, there is a happy medium somewhere in there where we can share the experience if desired by always remembering that his life & feelings are nearly as important to me as mine, and vice versa. And we both proceed with the understanding that his femme self is not a 3rd person, just an extension of himself. "She" feels the same way about "her" life partner as he does and has the same responsibilities, obligations and committments.

It's a choice, made without duress or resentment, given with the best interests of both as motivation.

[jillwadden]

I too have noticed the tendancy for the topics discussed here to very much about our dressing and related issues,rather than our SOs.I am one of the fortunate ones who have an accepting,supportive SO.We have a great relationship and are very considerate of each other's needs and wants.for instance,I do most of the cooking,laundry,yard work.etc because I have more time than she has.We always have time to talk to each other and I am so grateful to have her,and she knows it because we always say so.It's a mutual feeling.
That being said,because this forum is for crossdressers and SOs of crossdressers,the main topic of discussion is ,by definition ,going to be focussed on crossdressing.I hope this all makes sense to you and is of some help.Good luck .I wish you all the best.

Jill

[Suzie S.]

Hi Country Girl! You have very valid questions and I understand it is frustrating. I've picked up on this in the forums also. Call me sensitive, but I DO care enough to ask how your day is going. What you and all the other GG's here are going through must be tough, very tough. I could never stand here and say I know how you must feel. This is one area that I wouldn't want to walk a mile your shoes.

Yes, I do have an accepting wife. I also know there are many wives and GF's that are not at all accepting. Yes, I AM lucky. I'm married to a very special girl, but not just because she accepts my crossdressing. It's for a myriad of reasons. We love each other very much and this is just one speedbump that we ran over together and survived. For that, I'm eternally grateful and make sure she knows that!

Crossdressing can be quite obsessive and compulsive, even selfish in some fashion. We as MEN, boyfriends, or husbands need to be a little more compassionate and attentive to the impact that crossdressing has on our partners lives. We need to remember that at least 99.999 percent of the GG's here and everywhere didn't bargain for this when they met us.

I have never been out of my house dressed except for a Halloween or two, mostly because my wife would rather I did not. Thats just fine with me. Her wishes count too. There needs to be a balance in any relationship, and each partner is responsible for their side of the scale. Don't tip that scale without a mutual agreement and a heart to heart talk. I'm not tipping mine any time soon, as I, for one, love my wife MUCH more than crossdressing!

So, Country Girl how IS your day, I really DO care!

This isn't Suzie S. talking,
this is the real guy that wears those clothes of hers

[Sejd]

Good thread, Country Girl GG!
You mean like in "Grow up?". I know from my own experience with a supporting SO, that in the beginning, embracing this side of ourselves, it can be a bit overwhelming, and probably very anoying for the partner. However, there should be a gradual "coming down" and "getting real" which should allos for other brain activiti other than CD'ing. In my own case, I think that I moved very fast into a more Trans Gender situation. I don't want a lot of attention, I'd rather just go on with my life, blend in, be a good partner. I also think that if the case as you mention, causes a lot of stress for you, it's your responsibility to say ENOUGH, or "What about me?".
Thanks for bringing it up.
hugs
Sejd

[Marcie Sexton]

Good thought, but I for one realize "JUST" how lucky I am !

I couldn't want or ask for more. She has provided the support I needed, the love I adore, and the friendship I crave...In a word "perfect" for my wants and needs...

Just sign me one lucky guy/gal

[marie354]

I must add some more... I've been think about this for a while and I think that I can explain it from a man's point of view.....
A man tends to show his feelings in a different way sometimes... Jumping out of the car and pumping the gas... Opening doors when we go out... Making sure the bills are always paid so you have no worries... Never forgetting at least a card for you on special days, like mother's day, your birthday. I'm sure that a gift on any would be very nice to you, but oftin men don't think as emotional as women. I've one of the different ones, I thing. I've always been very emotional. I even cry at the happy moments in TV movies.
I hope this helps.

[Karren H]

I agree with you CGGG!!! Those selfish bitchs!!! String um up by their garter belts!! Who do they think they are??

I'm actually glad for two things.... My wife accepts me as her husband.... And she doesn't participate in my hobby!! I really enjoy shopping for my own things, and my fem adventures out and about!! And having some "help" would surely take away from my ability to express myself fem wise... Especially since we don't have the same tastes in clothes... Then there's the "can't go out of the house dressed" thingy which would kill me....

So while you girls that have accepting SO's are lucky, in a way..... So am I.... In other ways...

Soooo pay attention to your SO's needs.... Loves a 2 way street!! And get your feet off the coffee table... Make the bed.... Clean the garage.... Wash the dishes......



Love Karren

[Jenny Beth]

I'm one of the lucky ones too, not only is my wife supportive but she's been out with me several times, something I never thought she'd want to do. For me there are no complaints about wanting to go further or wishing to transition. I think the main reason things work for us is we've never had a fight or even raised our voices at each other. Not a day goes by without several hugs and saying how much we love each other. Next week we will have been together 26 years, we must be doing something right!

[Country girl]

I really appreciate all the insightful replys. I realize that having a relationship should involve alot more aspects of life than just accepting the CDing of your SO. However, I was and still am curious as to why sometimes that's all that seems to be important?

Tree, great observations. I think you hit one very major nail on the head when you stated mutual respect. That's a biggy.

Suzy, thanks for asking how my day is going. I like to think of myself as a usually upbeat person. Most days are good for me. We all have downer days for one reason or another.

Karren, good observations, however some men don't feel they have a responsibility where finances are concerned, or they feel limited responsibility. And when the SO in question doesn't live with you, then the responsibility should be based on circumstances.

I know all about the "pink fog" aspect of CDing where all you can think about is CDing. But what I am asking about is just common human decency. When you go to the store you will sometimes ask the clerk how their day is going. You actually carry on conversations that have nothing to do with CDing activities. I think that we all just need to be more sensitive to other people, no matter where the relationship happens to be at the moment. Everyone wants to feel as if someone actually cares how they are doing.

CG gg

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Country Girl,

Far be it from me to put words in your mouth but it seems to me that what you're talking about something that is about the nature of a person not specifically about cding. In other words the compulsive behavior this time happens to be cding but it could just as well be any thing else.

Is it really asking to much to expect you to ask how our day is going? How about show an interest in what we like to wear, or are wearing with out it being from the standpoint of ohhh, I wish I had something like that? Are there other things in life to talk about besides every aspect of CDing? Is this the only part of life that matters?

It sounds likes you are referring to someone who is incredibly selfish and totally obsessed with themselves and what they're doing (cding this time)....in short, a "total ass guy!" I don't know if you were referring to something or someone going on in your life now or not, but IMHO they (this guy) needs to think more like a woman... I mean to say where's the empathy?

I know all about the "pink fog" aspect of CDing where all you can think about is CDing. But what I am asking about is just common human decency. When you go to the store you will sometimes ask the clerk how their day is going. You actually carry on conversations that have nothing to do with CDing activities. I think that we all just need to be more sensitive to other people, no matter where the relationship happens to be at the moment. Everyone wants to feel as if someone actually cares how they are doing.

IMHO This type of behavior would come from a person who doesn't actually care too much about us (as a person). It doesn't matter who or what this person is (spouse/SO) if I felt that I was doing everything I could to love, share and be there for this person, I would expect the same back. I think it's time you talked to whoever,about how they make you feel. You want to feel loved and special for yourself, and an accepting GG shouldn't make any difference to that.

[Lady Jayne]

Country Girl, I hope I don't upset anyone by answering, I don't have a partner at the moment but I think if you replaced the CD part of your question with "men" in general I think you would still be asking the same questions. As much as we like to pretend from time to time on the whole we are men and men are generally far more self centered than women, sadly it's in our nature to be more possessive and selfish than women. It doesn't mean we don't care we are just brought up that way. From a very early age boys are taught to be competitive and aggressive, we are given toy guns or soldiers, we are taught to go and get what we want. Where as girls are given dolls and teddy bears they are taught to love and care for them, they are given toy vacuum cleaners, pushchairs and kitchen sets and they are encouraged to help mummy baking ect,
Basically girls are taught to care for others while boys are taught to care for themselves. Sadly these lessons once learnt are difficult to forget. That said I do think many CD's have a more caring sensitive side it is just difficult for them to show it.

[suchacutie]

A relationship: one of the most complex topics there is.

My answer is that I expect that for those who have accepting/helping SO's (and maybe for those who don't!) that our CDing is treated within our relationships as every other issue/facet of that relationship. If our relationships are built on mutual trust, respect, and compromise, I would bet that the whole topic of CDing slots nicely into the relationship. If the relationship has some aspects that are in some strife, then I would bet the CDing also slots in there along those lines. Since the CDing can be intensely emotional, this one facet may bring out the best and the worst in the relationship....a bell-weather of sorts.

From my perspective, my wife literally brought Tina in existence. She was the first to say "we should get you a dress"....and we were off from there. And yes, she wants the man she married to be the dominant part of her life. Who can blame her? I want the woman I married as well!!!! So, can I/do I dress as much as I might or as completely as I might? Well, no. Nothing is more important that our relationship, and I do hope we both prove and reprove that to each other every day!

Tina

[gennee]

[SIZE="4"]My wife accepts my dressing. Matter of fact, we share clothing. I told her that she's the one I love when I came out to her. Things have worked out great.

Gennee [/SIZE]