Does anyone else feel frustrated/disappointed?

[Rebecca-L]

This will probably be of interest to those people who are in their 50s or 50-teens. It may just be me and I may be having a bad day, so, if that's the case, feel free to say so. My feelings will not be hurt. I need the feedback.

It seems like (in the era when I was born), boys grew up into men living and acting as others would want them. An interest in sports, hunting, fast cars, and other macho things were valued by those around us, and we were a disappointment if we did not share those interests. I am not saying that those things are bad. After all, I still buy cars with big engines, but those engines seem to get the same (or better) gas mileage as the 6 cylinder "Low Emission" minivan that we also have, so I don't feel bad about driving Detroit iron, especially when I still drive the high speed highways in NJ.

So we grew up meeting (or trying to meet) the expectations of our friends and family. Then, we got married, raised a family, and put money away for retirement (not trusting the government to do it for us). In my case, I made a comfortable living and managed to (with my wife's assistance) raise 2 upstanding young men who have gone on to their respective successful careers and family lives.

But, then here comes my frustration. All of those years, I managed to repress feelings toward crossdressing or transgenderism because the family needed me to be strong. I was strong in the workplace (almost to the point of a heart attack). I was strong in the area of family values. I tried to be sensitive to the feelings of others. I groaned (internally) whenever anyone (especially a family member) mentioned anything negative about crossdressers (I think most of their impressions were based on the distorted views on television).

Now that I am retired and my children have grown up, I thought I was going to have more freedom, but my wife still has her preconceived notions on crossdressing (she links it to homosexuality in her mind). I have tried explaining that perhaps some of the things she likes about me are the same things that makes my desires to crossdress so strong. (I can cook, do the laundry, vacuum, fix the washer, mow the grass and build a new kitchen. I participated actively in the raising of our children (OK, except for the diaper thing.... I was always lucky enough to not be required to do that... Timing is everything). I guess I was OK in bed (she has stayed with me for 40+ years), but my opinion would be biased on that subject, so I should not comment on it.)

I have found this forum to be an invaluable aid to trying to gain some insight as to why my brain works the way it does. Therefore, I would value your inputs.

[Kimmie W]

We're about the same age, but I'm unfortunately a long way from retirement, anyway, I too feel let down at times at not being as free to be me as I would want. I always assumed that once my wife accepted my cross dressing that everything would be great. While it certainly has made it easier, it still isn't fully satisfying.

I think it's because I know that however I am dressed she still sees "him" and doesn't realize how fully female I feel inside. Guess I'm having a bad day too.

[Jena11]

Well, I am not quite as old as you but I do feel the same way. I still get questions and comments from others. It is because I only have girl friends and do not have any guy friends. I am not really into sports either. I will do just about anything. It is just who I am. We all have good and bad days, I just had a really bad day and I am hoping it will get better soon. JC

[melissacd]

I think that what you are expressing is common for many of us from that era. We grew up forced down the manly path, knowing deep inside that there was something different about us and yet too afraid to express that feeling. Years and years of repression, guilt, non-acceptance - you do your best to be the man, have a wife, create a home, raise children. But you always know that something does not feel right. Eventually you open up to your wife about it and she does not respond well. You get older and you hit mid-life and you start to go in to panic mode because you know that this is something you desire and you don't understand why you can't have it and you are afraid that you will never get it. It starts to become an obsession, you do not want to go to your grave not having had a chance to be who you really are and you cannot understand why it is that others around you do not understand, do not see that it is a part of what makes you you.

It creates a great deal of anxiety, sadness, depression, health issues...for me it was the moment that I decided that I had to be true to me that I started to have hope. I decided that I would dress because I want to dress and while I wanted to be sensitive to the concerns of others I still had to be true to me. I wanted to be part of the local TG community and now I am. I want to explore, learn, grow, develop my femme side and so I am. The price for these choices may be my 25 year marriage, however, the choice for not doing this was starting to become my mental and physical health. I know that it may seem silly to some but my internal anger and anxiety and stressing about holding this all in was manifesting itself in all sorts of life threatening illnesses that i am still recovering from. It was at the point where doctors started telling me that I had these problems that I knew it was let Melissa out to play or live a much shorter life.

Do not feel bad for trying to be who you really are, it is an important part of what makes you you. Be authentic, be true to yourself and enjoy the ride.

[Trina82]

You know, I think it's just as hard - if not harder - for those of us who are younger. I am going to be 25 in just a couple months and I have yet to openly discuss my "hobby" with anyone. Why? Genetic males are revered as the "strong", and anything slightly feminine about them will count against that strong image.

It's so hard for me to go from day to day, knowing that all these genetic females get away with what we're not "allowed" to. Nothing against them by any means, but society is so biased in that regard. On my way to the office today, I was thinking about it, trying to understand how it would be recepted if I walked in with a slight bulge under my shirt, from wearing a bra. I am fairly certain that it wouldn't be received very well, and that any "masculine" or "strong" appearance I have would be diminished to match that of those who deserve to be locked away for life: I'd be worthless.

This goes the same for my family and friends as it does my co-workers. If I were to mention anything about lingerie, it'd be received as "I'm homosexual". Crossdressing has nothing to do with sexual preference. Sure, we get to have that little bit of femininity, but it doesn't mean we're interested in being submissive to those of our own gender. I know there are some cases where the opposite is true, but in most it is not.

I've long based my justification for wearing womens' undergarments on the fact that society allows them to walk through life wearing mens' clothes, and that men should have the equal opportunity.

[Kimberley]

Trina, corporate America, Europe or anywhere else is not going to be receptive; ever. There are Xdressers running fortune 500 companies but to come out will finish their careers. I guess it boils down to ignorance and narrow thinking.

I am just as intelligent in a skirt as I am in a suit, and I can run faster with a skirt up than any executive can with his pants down...

The bottom line is that it is your generation that will change things; if there is some organization and will. The younger people are far more accepting than our generations. For a lot of us here, the time has long passed. It is the younger generations that will make the difference.


Kimberley

[susie evans]

i can feel your thoughts we are about the same age and have acomplished a lot of the same things i wish i had the answer i find a lot of comfort in this forum and the wide varity of insite to a lot of diffrent topics that the girls offer some times it is just good to vent

susie

[Bethanygirl]

This will probably be of interest to those people who are in their 50s or 50-teens. It may just be me and I may be having a bad day, so, if that's the case, feel free to say so. My feelings will not be hurt. I need the feedback.

It seems like (in the era when I was born), boys grew up into men living and acting as others would want them. An interest in sports, hunting, fast cars, and other macho things were valued by those around us, and we were a disappointment if we did not share those interests. I am not saying that those things are bad. After all, I still buy cars with big engines, but those engines seem to get the same (or better) gas mileage as the 6 cylinder "Low Emission" minivan that we also have, so I don't feel bad about driving Detroit iron, especially when I still drive the high speed highways in NJ.

So we grew up meeting (or trying to meet) the expectations of our friends and family. Then, we got married, raised a family, and put money away for retirement (not trusting the government to do it for us). In my case, I made a comfortable living and managed to (with my wife's assistance) raise 2 upstanding young men who have gone on to their respective successful careers and family lives.

But, then here comes my frustration. All of those years, I managed to repress feelings toward crossdressing or transgenderism because the family needed me to be strong. I was strong in the workplace (almost to the point of a heart attack). I was strong in the area of family values. I tried to be sensitive to the feelings of others. I groaned (internally) whenever anyone (especially a family member) mentioned anything negative about crossdressers (I think most of their impressions were based on the distorted views on television).

Now that I am retired and my children have grown up, I thought I was going to have more freedom, but my wife still has her preconceived notions on crossdressing (she links it to homosexuality in her mind). I have tried explaining that perhaps some of the things she likes about me are the same things that makes my desires to crossdress so strong. (I can cook, do the laundry, vacuum, fix the washer, mow the grass and build a new kitchen. I participated actively in the raising of our children (OK, except for the diaper thing.... I was always lucky enough to not be required to do that... Timing is everything). I guess I was OK in bed (she has stayed with me for 40+ years), but my opinion would be biased on that subject, so I should not comment on it.)

I have found this forum to be an invaluable aid to trying to gain some insight as to why my brain works the way it does. Therefore, I would value your inputs.

I am in my fifties, and I never felt that way, hmmm...
Actually, out of your whole post, the only thing I could relate to was the thing about diapers, my wife never did them either!

[Billijo49504]

Well I'm already retired, and I will be 60 in a couple of weeks. I wonder how life will be, as I sit here at the PC. And how I'm dressed, sitting in the dining room, is in bra, panties, LB jeans, holster and Para Ord Hawg9 pistol....BJ

[Gary]

Im just not sure...hehe...ok while it is true that things have been easier in many respects with my wife being accepting and continuing to learn more and learn better ways of coping with some of the issues my xdressing has manifested, to some degree it is far from satisfying. The most distress i get from my crossdressing is the feelings i cause to circulate within her...to see at times how she struggles with it all...ive long ago accepted me for me and everything tht has come my way was just another part...once past the yearning for the "why" it is simply no big deal to me. Society, and i hate society, still has its expectations and while i push those boundaries sometimes i do have a wife and a child in school to think of.

The stress that is lifted from my shoulders when even slightly dressed is phenomenal...what stress could a 43 yr old retired dude with a trust fund have? well apparently society managed to brainwash me a tad and i do still feel responsible for the health, wellfare and happiness of my family...its my responsibility to make sure all is well and to fix whatever may be broken...a real pain in the bedroom at times cuz losing that pressure there is the best...anyway i digress...I still have trouble explaining this and many aspects of this to my wife...one, because i dont fully understand all...and two because im battling those internal, pre-wired, raised in the deep south, good girl values, norms, mores, beliefs and other ill conceived ideas of what a man is and should be and what a woman is and should be blah blah blah.

I do compromise in this area, we do, more so than most areas i think and maybe im just selfish...i do want more, if nothing more than more freedom to be that part of me in the whole of my house and not to be banished to a room...dont misunderstand, my wife has done great and to even except what she has to me is phenomenal, on one hand...on the other, skirt or cargo shorts i am still me...still creative, still somewhat handy...still with all the same skills and all the same short comings, only the clothes are different...that and my laid back self of bygone years returns...otherwise...im the same butthead she married way back when and as such i cant see why accepting this, just another part of me, would be so hard....i ride both sides of that fence...understanding, even tho questioning, both sides as well...as i said, i guess i am just selfish and cannot enjoy what i have for the longing of what i dont...I need medical transportation...lol....sorry is so long...gary

[Joy Carter]

I accept all the things I'm to do as a male. No problems with that at all. It's just there is this gurl whom I have known all my life. And she would very much like to integrate her self into my life.

[ashlee chiffon]

my conflicts throughtout my life have lessened in the last years after a half century of dressing to various degrees...i dress to satisfy my inner self and reflect the person i am and feel comfortible with that...when i glam up, i am happy and comfortible and enjoy getting closer to my femininity and do it for myself and that is good for me. i dress to various degrees daily and I don't know if i could ever be in a relationship again with someone that couldn't share this side of me that is so much a part of my daily existence. I would dearly love to find the right woman to share the benefits of this side of me again, and know that she is out there somewhere and that we Will meet someday, but it would have to be the right combination of love,passion, and respect for our inner "needs"...it may even be a transgendered woman, who knows? Life is full of twists and turns and being a cd is a Big twist, for sure! It certainly isn't easy living a "secret" life...but it is a great escape from the harshness of reality and very fulfilling in it's own way...
Just remember that it is very hard for women to understand this compulsion in us and if you have somewhere that cares to learn and accept, do everything you can to earn that acceptance and show them how much you appreciate their love and understanding! Don't be selfish and introverted in glamming up, but sharing,loving, and exciting...make it Fun for the both of you...that was the secret for me in my relationships...but....when i disappeared into myself with the dressing...i lost my SO of 14 years...and i reget it to this day! It was my fault and not hers and i have learned from my mistakes. i hope those with accepting significant others and wives appreciates their love and works with them to incorporate the dressing into their lives...not take over their lives!
........ Just my humble opinion....for what its worth!

[Raychel]

I am 47 years old. It was only a few years ago that I told my wife about my crossdressing. There were alot of tears at first. But after she was reassured that I was still the same person that she married and had absolutely no homosexual desires, then she started to loosen up a bit. We have joked about it in the past. I can't say what will happen when I get to retirement age. But I will leave that up to her. She now knows the whole me and is accepting that.

She has stayed overnight with the kids at her family's house last night. We joked as I was leaving there that I would have time to wear my lingerie. I just laughed and gave her a hug, then told her to be sure to call before she came home.

So I guess the most important part is to make her a part of it without making her uncomfortable. Also be sure that you are still the man she married. With Compromise, Understanding, Communication and Love for each other. I hope to grow very old with this special person in my life. If she accepts the other side of me enough for me to dress around her, that would be great. If not and she still gives me time for me and my dressing, That would be great too. If she wil not allow any of it when it comes time for us to retire. I will surely be disappointed, but I will accept that too. Afterall she didn't have to accept any of it. I could have been one of the ones that got thrown out of the house when I told her.

For now when I do get the time to dress, I do my best to be sure that the house is cleaned and she is as happy as she can be. Maybe she will give me more time to dress.

[GinaVegas]

Just a quick question.....has your wife seen this forum and read some of the postings?

[Rebecca-L]

Thank you, everyone. I appreciate your comments and insights. I can identify with many of the things that were said, even if I could not verbalize them.

GinaVegas:
No, my wife has not seen this forum. I am not sure what her reaction would be to it. Unfortunately, she is not computer literate. We are working on that, but she grew up in an era when girls really did not get into that "technical stuff". (Oh, there's an advantage to being a male my age) She wants to be able to access things on the computer and go out to the internet, but is having trouble retaining the steps necessary to do that (a result of a very bad reaction to an antibiotic.... it cured the infection she had, but almost killed her), but she is improving. Perhaps I can find a way to ease her into the forum. I think that if she were able to interface with the folks here, then she might be more open-minded about this.

[Juanita O]

This will probably be of interest to those people who are in their 50s or 50-teens. It may just be me and I may be having a bad day, so, if that's the case, feel free to say so. My feelings will not be hurt. I need the feedback.

It seems like (in the era when I was born), boys grew up into men living and acting as others would want them. An interest in sports, hunting, fast cars, and other macho things were valued by those around us, and we were a disappointment if we did not share those interests. I am not saying that those things are bad. After all, I still buy cars with big engines, but those engines seem to get the same (or better) gas mileage as the 6 cylinder "Low Emission" minivan that we also have, so I don't feel bad about driving Detroit iron, especially when I still drive the high speed highways in NJ.

So we grew up meeting (or trying to meet) the expectations of our friends and family. Then, we got married, raised a family, and put money away for retirement (not trusting the government to do it for us). In my case, I made a comfortable living and managed to (with my wife's assistance) raise 2 upstanding young men who have gone on to their respective successful careers and family lives.

But, then here comes my frustration. All of those years, I managed to repress feelings toward crossdressing or transgenderism because the family needed me to be strong. I was strong in the workplace (almost to the point of a heart attack). I was strong in the area of family values. I tried to be sensitive to the feelings of others. I groaned (internally) whenever anyone (especially a family member) mentioned anything negative about crossdressers (I think most of their impressions were based on the distorted views on television).

Now that I am retired and my children have grown up, I thought I was going to have more freedom, but my wife still has her preconceived notions on crossdressing (she links it to homosexuality in her mind). I have tried explaining that perhaps some of the things she likes about me are the same things that makes my desires to crossdress so strong. (I can cook, do the laundry, vacuum, fix the washer, mow the grass and build a new kitchen. I participated actively in the raising of our children (OK, except for the diaper thing.... I was always lucky enough to not be required to do that... Timing is everything). I guess I was OK in bed (she has stayed with me for 40+ years), but my opinion would be biased on that subject, so I should not comment on it.)

I have found this forum to be an invaluable aid to trying to gain some insight as to why my brain works the way it does. Therefore, I would value your inputs.

I am 52, I have been through the same experiences, and feel the same way. i am not retired yet, no kid at home, this is a great forum.

[Karren H]

55 and nope.... I don't get frustrated.... I do something about it....a work around, make things work in my favor!! guess it's an engineering thingy... heheheh

Love Karren

[tommi]

I accept all the things I'm to do as a male. No problems with that at all. It's just there is this gurl whom I have known all my life. And she would very much like to integrate her self into my life.

You hit the nail right on the head Joy ,I was raised on a farm with chores and
school it just wasn't acceptable. I also watched how the family treated my
cousin who was openly gay and very proud of himself when he came out.
His problem was he decided to try and hide himself by getting married and having a family even served a tour in Vietnam. So when he came out it affected him his wife 2 daughters and the rest of the family just made fun of him. I made up my mind then that coming out to them is not a ver good option.

[Rebecca-L]

Karren, you are absolutely right about using work-arounds. I made a career of getting around the "system" by finding alternatives and compromises (Engineering is, after all, a world of compromises. Engineers that will only accept "perfection" never arrive at a solution, but they stay busy trying. I used to try to point that out to new Engineers.)

I guess some of my frustration comes out of the idea that compromise should be a 2-way street. Today, in our age group, it seems like we have to compromise our desires in order to keep the "perfect" world that less open-minded people want. But now I'm back on my soap box, so let me step down.