Need some help please

[Gary]

I alluded to this problem in one of my posts last night...I was remarking about my recent discovery that as long as my wife initiated the conversation then talking about cding was A-OK and how the same was not only not true for me but the complete opposite seemed to happen...that is, if i initiate the same type of conversations with her I usually get shutdown with the "I am just not in the mood to talk about cding today" response. Now i do try and honor her wishes on this line but when in the same breath i get the "youre the key to helping me thing and you dont see it" line, then i become not only lost but totally confused and feeling screwed. the da*ned if you do da*ned if you dont thing. I know I can help her with a lot of this...help her to cope better and understand better possibly...I know i want to as much and as often as I can...but if she wont tell me how to help her and everytime i bring up the subject i am shutdown, only being allowed to talk about it when she wants and on the subjects relating to it that she chooses....then how the heck am i supposed to help? Feeling extremely frustrated today. Anyone, wht can i do to right this or fix it or help her when this is all im given to work with? I want to respect her feelings, i want to help...but how can i if this is how it is to be? ty...gary

[Country girl]

Gary, unfortunately, sometimes there is nothing you can do other than respect her wishes. Remember she didn't bargain for this when she met you, and if I am remembering correctly, didn't know till after you were married. Every spouse of a CDer has a different comfort level, some change with time. The next time she IS willing to talk, meaning she opens the conversation, then tell her how you feel and that you want to be able to help her by explaining your feelings. This is something that IMHO will require baby steps. It isn't something that can be shoved down her throat, and I don't see you as wanting to do that. However, you have to remember that this is going to be a long, slow process and she may never be fully accepting. Good luck to you. You have a wonderful wife and this is something that will take time and that you have to work on when she is willing to initiate the conversation.
CG gg

[Phyliss]

Something I've discovered on this subject is that I rarely let a chance go by that I can't somehow connect my CDing with the on going conversation, while never actually mentioning CD.
Case in point:
Earlier today my wife and I were talking about her wanting to get an electric scooter for herself, (she has a problem walking and besides that's another story) anyhow we got onto the idea of going shopping with it, and where to leave it when having to go into a mall store that just doesn't seem to have the room to drive it well. We kinda agreed that it would be best to leave it by the door and take the key. I said something like that is good "common sense" similar to what I've been demonstrating lately. She sorta smiled at that knowing what I meant but not actually saying "The Words"
Watch the tone of the conversations you have and see where you might be able to slip in at least a phrase or two that pertains to the ongoing conversation but could be construed as different if the other person had an open mind.
Hopefully I've made myself clear, if not drop me a note and I'll try to explain it better.

[Gary]

yes country girl you make several good points...and no she didnt know about the cding before we were married...but neither did I...ive always been honest and open with cheryl..about everything...ask her about our conversation the first nite we met...i wanted her to know it all and give her the opportunity to run then if she wanted or needed to...as you can see she stayed and ive been just as honest since that time...sometimes tho that honest approach isnt the best ive discovered as i let my need to be open and honest overwhelm her in the crossdressing arena...yes will take time and no youre right she may never be any more accepting than she is right now...i dont believe that to be true as she is a remarkable woman but none the less...regardless of it all...if what i have is all id ever have with her and this then it would just have to be enough and i would nver push for more in this area...id find some other area to bug the crap out of her with...hehe...thank you both...gary

[Tracy_Victoria]

I understand where your coming from, even after 14 years I still find it difficult to start the conversation about my dressing, and therefore I tend to wait for Raksha to comment.

It's difficult, however be grateful you can, and for when she does. this is not a easy thing to handle from there side.

Good Luck

[Karren H]

Well it took me way too many years to figure out that when my wife dodnt want to talk about something then she really didn't want to talk... So on those occation I just leave her alone and she snaps out of it... Maybe an hour or a day...

And crossdressing was never her favorite subject anyway... Lol. So if she wants to talk about iit she will on her own schedule... Not yours... Takes time to accept something like this... Sometiimes a lot of tiime!!

Love Karren

[JenniferR771]

Karren is right. At my house I am not allowed to talk about cd. But if she starts the conversation than I answer in as much detail as she will allow. I push for more acceptance--but also try not to push so much. I give her time and space. She has not said anything about the 4 dresses hanging in my closet. She buys food for the potluck at the support group meetings in Michigan.
---Picture was taken at support group meeting--by one of the other gurls.

[Billijo49504]

You can always use a end run. Talk about shopping for both of you. As in matching outfits or matching panties and bras. What ever. That's what some ppl use to get them in a better mood. I know, we have rooms full of femm clothes...BJ

[Samantha B L]

Take your time and don't mention it again maybe for days.She'll come around to it again.And if she doesn't if you just go about your business and bring it up later I'm sure it'll be alright.

[Bethanygirl]

Males tend to want to attack a problem, to get it resolved, especially when it is one that is frustrating them. Women tend to want to absorb a problem, allow their subconcious to mull it over, and time to shape their responses. Then they want to go to another level, and repeat the process. You will not be able to short-circut this process with your male attack response, for truly, the problem you have is the desire to cd, and the problem she has is YOUR desire to cd. See the difference?
This is why you often see people, especially the gg's use the term, 'baby steps'. So back off, find your female side, and do a little assimilation of your own. It won't help to push her, and if you are like everyone else on these forums, you haven't entirely come to terms with yourself yet anyway. So you work on you, and let her work on her.
Good luck, I hope the best for you and yours honey!

[Suzie S.]

Bethanygirl, you are so right!!! I was going to say something, but you just said it! I am also guilty of the 'attack' thing. The thing is, I sometimes don't realize I'm doing it, until I did it! Then it's too late. You can't take baby steps in combat boots, LOL.

Gary, all I can say is take it very slow, let her initiate the discussion, and take it from there. She may eventually find a comfort level in discussing your crossdressing, it just may take some time.


Good luck and best wishes!
Suzie S.

[kittypw GG]

Gary,
I wonder if you have difficulty relating to eachother outside of the CD arena?
I have found that crossdressing is really not the issue. It is lack of respect for comfort level. Lack of understanding, after all she is not asking you to accept her as a man is she? So do you know what that really feels like for her? Do you have empathy for what it must feel like to be married to a man who doesn't want to be the man you bargined for? You have all the energy for your hobby cause it's your hobby. Do you return the favor by giving the same effort to something that she finds important?

In my house the crossdressing is always in my face. Its the toenail polish left out, the cigarettes in the astray with lipstick on them the girls underware in the wash that are not mine, the shows he tvo's etc. I personally don't want to talk about it all of the time. You see in a way you have already brougth up the topic in many ways other than verbally. It may feel like you being shut out but it feels to her like supersaturation already. Does this make some sense to you?

The crossdressing thing is YOUR fantasay. As spouses we can get to a point where we are ok with it but it is not something that we sit around obsessing about. I don't fanasize about how great my hubby looks in his new bra and panty set. If I dream about him he is NEVER a women. Most of the time I can't wrap my head around why he is this way and when asked neither can he.

I find that when he is being a good husband. By that I mean caring about my interests, doing his share of the mundane tasks necessary to keep the household going and fullfilling my intimate wishes, I feel more like fullfilling his.

You have to make eachother the priority. Get the crossdressing in perspective and find a balance that works. And listen up this is the big one.
DO NOT MAKE A PROMISE TO DO SOMETHING AND THEN BREAK IT. If you find that you have made a promise that you can no longer keep, RE-NEGOTIATE before you break it. This is the same as lying and leads to a lack of trust and further breaks down the character and integrety of your relationship.

Give what you are asking for and treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. This is the way to acceptance. It gives you leverage. When you want an eveining of crossdressing it is hard to refuse when it is obvious that you are doing all that you can to make your relationship the priority.

Good luck Kitty

[Michelia]

Gary:

It sounds like you could use more patience. Also I did not get from your post what it is you want to talk about related to CDing.

In my house, we do not talk about Cding. Granted, I am dressed a lot, but the subject just does not come up unless someone else wants to talk about it.

You may just want to set some time aside where you can get all the CD issues out of the way. Set an hour here and there to talk about things you need to get out. And the rest of the time, focus on other things and talk about other things so CDing does not become the center of your life or hers but always following the terms you both agree to. You do not want to burn your SO out with your dressing. Also make sure you are conscious of her needs - everyday. Do you ask her how she is doing? Do you show interest in the things she likes? Talk about her problems?

Michelia

[Cheryl GG]

Gary....I am sorry that I confuse you....I confuse me all the time....I dont know the right words to use anymore....I dont know how to talk at times....I am not doing well these days when it comes to the CDing....I wish I was stronger right now than I am....I dont understand the ups and downs with comfort levels....I dont understand much at all right now.....just pls be patient with me....thats all I can ask....i love you.... xoxoC/

[Gary]

Gosh Bethany...you hit the nail on the head...yes I am Mr. Fix it and Fix it right now...lol...no tact just want it done...so your advice is sound..ty

Kitty...you made many points that I agree with and many good points period..ty as well

And to all...really thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and home lives as it were...I have no idea why or when but i do understand that I must give her the respect she deserves and if that means we only discuss the cding on her terms then so be it...I can most certainly live with that...

Cheryl...honey you are doing great really you are...as you know weve discussed this and much of my confusion stems from how things were before this beast acquired a name and how theyve been since...had I known your true feelings from the start things might have been different...water under the bridge tho...Ill keep trying to do what you need and what i must and make sure compromise remains the word of the day...you know I love you the "mostest"...hehe...xoxoxo