Why do I have these desires even though I am hurting my wife?

[Miss Petra]

This has been such a whirlwind of emotions & feelings. I had a talk with my wife over the weekend & today about my desire to go to Tri-ess & Dress with other ladies & to be social with my dressing. It didnt go to well My wife is upset because when I first came out to her in April last year I told her that I had no desire to take my dressing outside the house.

As time has progressed my feelings have changed & I do want to interact socially with other ladies on a purely platonic friendship basis. I have no desire to be with a man, I have in the past fantasize what it would be like with another CD but it is only fantasy. As I continue on my journey of self discovery that fantasy is becoming less & less. Since I have eliminated pornography out of my life as well those feelings of a bisexual nature are going away. I would never cheat on my wife in any way period. I hold the vows I made to her & god sacred & would not break them ever.

My wife did say this could end our marriage. She is confused, hurt & saddened by this recent admission of my desires. I dont want to hurt her but I cannot continue to live in secrecy, shame denial. I did that for 34 years and it is very unhealthy. I realize now that my biggest charachter flaws were brought out by not dressing & it is something that has to be expressed mentally & physically.

The other problem is in my church the ultimate goal is attending the "Temple". Because of my actions by dressing I am being denied that blessing. I can still attend church take sacrament etc.. but the temple is something that they are very particular about only allowing worthy members because it is the house of the lord & nothing unclean should go there.
Going to the temple is very important to my wife because we can get sealed together which means we will be together for time & eternity. Going to the temple is important to me as well but when I am unable to dress that is when I do self destructive behavior to myself & wife & become even more unworthy to go to the temple.

My wife was always Mormon but when inactive in her teen years. We got married seven years ago after dating for 6 years. Thats a whole other story...After we got married she desired to go back to church. I had no desire but out of the love & respect I have for my wife I agreed to listen.

Slowly over seven months I felt the spirit & decided this is the right thing to do for me. After my baptism I went deep into the closet after purge #3. I sure do miss what I threw out My wife always thought after we get engadged, married, baptized, moved It would stop my desire for dressing. My wife found my stash when we were dating & I came out to her then. I dont think I or her had any idea what this really was. Back then it was just lipstick & simple makeup. That progressed into heels & stockings then lingerie then finally where I am at today of dressing to be a woman not a streetwalker but a well dressed lady who can hold her head up high & love themselves for whom they are even if they wear womens clothing.

I cant believe that I would be willing to give up my marriage for the desire to dress. I dont want to lose her but I cant live the way we were living. My wife & I after 18 months of intense counseling have been taught to love each other & be kind. How to communicate & express ones feelings without being attacked or condemned for those feelings. We get along great now. I want to be with her all the time & have managed to cherish our time together even if its an hour an half a day.

My wife works graveyard at the post office plant & she loves it. She started there 8 months ago after being a book keeper and office manager for the last 20 years. If you want to bring a marriage to its knees have one of the spouses work graveyard. But we have actually thrived with this arrangement. I can dress almost every night if I wanted to but I dont to much work to get all dolled up & it would make it not as special. My wife is OK with any dressing at home she does not want to see me in it but I am able to keep panties & nylons & lingerie & dresses in plain site.Wigs, nails & heels bother her so those things I keep in a drawer that she doesnt need to go in. She has bought me nylons, makeup with some reservations so I dont aske here to do that any more. She however has bought me & her several pair of womans nylon silkie pajamas. Sure beats the sweat pants she used to wear to bed. She & I both enjoy cuddling while wearing these pajamas. So I guess I have it pretty good compared to most CDS.

So why is there this deep desire to socialize dressed even though my wife is so against it & if I do it I will be hurting her & possibly destroying our marriage. I am hoping when I start thearpy I can discover that.

But when we are together we cherish our company together. Last Saturday we went to brunch at Paradise Cove in Malibu & afterwards we took a long wonderful walk along the beach up to Point Dume (Several miles). Holding hands & enjoying the beautiful weather together & enjoying each others company.

Thank you for your time in reading this.

So why do I have these desires even though I am hurting my wife?
Am I being selfish & should I be just be content with what I have?

I would appreciate any comments to get a better perspective.

Please no religion comments. It is hard enough to be a crossdresser let alone
a Mormon crossdresser.

Hugz,


Petra

[PrincessBelle1959]

I feel your pain, however, I also feel your wife's pain. I don't have any answers for you and your situation but I do know one thing. You brought her into this part of your life. She obviously loved you enough to accept this part of your life. You both took vows before God. I know that if I knew I was wanting to do something that would hurt my wife that much I would NOT do it. My love for her means more to me than any part of my cd'ing. I am strong enough within my own self and within my marriage to keep my vows.

God Bless both of you, I hope everything works out.

[RobertaFermina]

Dear Miss Petra,

I see the anxiety you have over your conflicting cares and desires. Please accept my sympathies.

So why is there this deep desire to socialize dressed even though my wife is so against it & if I do it I will be hurting her & possibly destroying our marriage. I am hoping when I start thearpy I can discover that.

The desire is to be able to interact and relate with persons, and in situations that respect and honor your CD self. That part of you is acknowledged by your wife, yet 'she' is isolated. She is healthy enough to rebel against isolation.

As long as your wife doesn't want to see 'her', its normal and healthy for her to want someone to interact with.

Roberta

[sandra-leigh]

So why do I have these desires even though I am hurting my wife?
Am I being selfish & should I be just be content with what I have?

You really have two different questions here:
a) are your desires selfish or inconsiderate or "wrong"?; and
b) what are you going to do about those desires?

Reading through your description, I didn't see even a single bit that I thought selfish or wrong.

Just last night, I attended the gala dinner that was the 10th anniversary of the local crossdressing club, and it was really somethng to see and hear how important the club has been to so many people, as a place to meet and "be yourself" and to get ideas -- and yes, to listen to other people when they are down and give your support. These club members are not supermen: and a lot of them had a much tougher time than I ever did, but they have come so far. We inspire each other, and the time together and the social events are important.

I've been going to meetings (when possible) for 2 1/4 years. Sometimes I literally only get there for 10 minutes and have to leave again (so that I'm not suspiciously late). You can't enumerate exactly what you get out of it, but the going is important.

In the meetings and social events I've attended, there has not been any sexual suggestion, and not even one "I'm more femme than you are!" argument. Some of the members are going transgender, but there is no pressure at all to go that way: if someone happens to have questions or concerns about the process then here are some people who would be happy to answer, and if you don't have any of those questions, they are still nifty people to talk to about other things.


Having established that the meetings are (or can be, in good hands) A Good Thing, there is left the matter of what you are going to do about it. And that's something I cannot answer for you: life is full of hard choices, and sometimes Good Things have to be put aside for the sake of higher priorities.


Now to the less grounded part of my response:

I haven't experienced anything like your religion. I was brought up in a religious school system, and we did go to mass most Sundays, but I never felt the kind of personal relationship with Higher Powers. So with that understanding that I am writing as someone with background and theory but not the personal practice:
I would suggest that you examine the possibility that your desire to attend those meetings might be guided by the same forces that are guiding your more traditional religious life. At the meetings (and online here, for that matter), you will encounter people who need support that is within your capacity to offer. I don't mean to suggest that you go to the meetings to evangalize, but there is surely room there for "quiet good works". And if others should happen to ask where you find your courage and calmness and wisdom, then there is no reason not to respond "I find it within my religion", and to answer any questions they might have along those lines. What I have read about people who feel The Call is that not infrequently they are Called to work with people in need; there is surely no shortage of crossdressers in anguish.

[lostmyhubby GG]

I as a wife can understand why your wife is having a hard time, it totally changes your life, what you thought was to be and how you feel as a GG, everything has totally changed for me.
I let him/her be only because i dont really have a choice, i dislike it and it has changed things for me, but he is happy being she......so i deal.
But good luck to you both and hang in there its not easy, some people cant deal, some can for awhile and then just split....who knows. enjoy what time you have together i guess and try to understand each other and respect one another....when you respect her wishes that makes alot of difference, but if you make big changes that even people notice that know you it puts alot on her, anyway i can ramble but i dont make any sense....good luck

[MJ]

Petra
i am sorry to hear about your issues, may i say you are not bad , sick , or what you do is a "sin ", it is not.. i hope you find a balance and you and your wife reach a level were you both can live in peace

[JulieCDorlando]

I can fully understand the dilema that you are facing. What you need to figure out is what is more important, your marriage, or continuing with plans to attend a meeting outside of your home without the wife's approval. Maybe your wife can come to a meeting with you to ease her worries?
Not knowing you or your wife I can only speculate about her feelings on this. Your wife might be apprehensive in you going out after #1 you telling her earlier that you had no intention of going outside your home while dressed. #2she might be worried what the neighbors, church members, mutual friends, relatives etc would think if you were 'discovered". #3 she might feel that support groups are meant for something other than support. She might have other reservations than what I mentioned. A good long discussion should be in order. You alone have to decide if going to a meeting against your wife's wishes is worth the risk of loosing a terrific wife, and the life you both have worked hard in buliding. Please if possible do not go beyond the boundaries that you and your wife agreed to earlier. Being a CD alone in this world can be dauntening. I wish you the best in what ever decision you choose to make.

[Wanda.cd.northern.NH]

I know exactly what you are saying. It is almost the exact same thing with me and my wife, except she does not want me to dress at all. She had once talked about divorce if I couldn't give it up. I do still dress once in a great while, maybe 3 times a year. If she caught me or my stash I am not sure what would happen, but giving it up is almost impossibe no matter how much you love her. I can only wish you some sort of solution or compromise. I have none to offer. You need to do what ever you NEED to do. Maybe it would be going out without her knowledge. I hate being deceitful, but I do not want to loose my wife, I love her and honestly donot know what I would do with out her. Good luck! Wanda

[Alyshia121]

My GF and I have been with each other for about 8 years. Let me tell you, we went thru the same thing. CD seemed to be a slow progress all my life. I kept telling myself, "When will I actually feel comfortable?," "When will I get people to understand who I really am?," and the ever popular "Why can't I just be myself?"

Many years and many tears later, a comfortable agreement has been made and we are happier now than we ever were before; you know the "me" that you know today. Part of this due to my taking meds for a reason I don't need to get into. (feel free to ask tho) But still, even if that wasn't a factor, it still takes an overwhelming amount of communication between the 2 of you. I, too, was at that awkward stage of "Well, this is OK but this isn't" Whether you're 15 or 55, a problem is a problem.

Take some time to read some other issues on this forum. We're all here for one reason or another right? You'll be surprised that as much talking as one thinks they do, many things are left unsaid.

Best wishes to you both

[Leslie Foxx]

I will attempt to address this part of your post.

"So why is there this deep desire to socialize dressed even though my wife is so against it & if I do it I will be hurting her & possibly destroying our marriage. I am hoping when I start thearpy I can discover that."

The desire to get out and socially interact with the community is a very natural extension of your dressing. It is a desire to be among a group of people who know exactly what you are going through and have had the same common experiences. To commune with your sisters is an affirming experience in a safe and loving environment. Who wouldn't want that?

It's like why people of any interest gather at conventions. So they can be among a group of like minded people who share a common interest, be it Star Trek memorbelia, Barbies, cats or firearms. You are seeking a peer group.

By going, you will hurt your wife. By not going, you will be be hurting yourself in that you will remain unfulfilled, and your desire to engage the community will likely grow stronger.

From what you say of your wife, she sound's like a pretty cool lady. If your therapist specializes in gender issues, perhaps your wife could benefit from counselling, as well. Fear generates much of her reactions. If knowledge can help her overcome that, it could go a long way to stabalizing your relationship.

Whenever you are able to join your sisters, we will be waiting for you.

[dann]

Petra,
I find myself in a very simillar situation as you are right now.I do want to interact (for real instead of just here) as a CD.My wife won't share it with me beyond the occassional conversation that can go good, bad or just simply ugly.

I too relate directly to what you've mentioned regarding pornography, and bothersome fantasization. I had problems with that as well that have more to do with addiction than anyhthing else. I'd be glad to PM you on the topic. CDing was just wrapped up in it. And ofcourse when first coming out to my wife 2 years ago I wasn't entirely open about some of my then habits.When she found out, it nearly destroyed us.
At which point I made my last attempt at walking away from CDing.Several months later the desire for CDing came back...to near suicidal ends.
I came out to her again, and told her that even though I hadn't dressed at that point for a year, the desire was there and nagging me and I felt like a part of me was dying.We made clear through counseling that my CDing was more about identity than my bad habits. So for me the shame is out of it. There is nothing about my cding or the feelings I have while I do it (or while I don't), or the things I do NOW while dressed that I am ashamed of. I wish so much to be able to share it with her.But she's made it clear, she doesn't want to hear about it. She doesn't want to see it. So now there are 2 of us in the closet.Which wouldn't be so bad if we could just turn the light on and see each other in here.

Tri-ess would only serve as a substitute for being able to be open with my wife while dressed. At least I wouldn't be so damned lonely.I don't think you're being selfish at all. It's just the way you feel.

I can't comment on your matters of faith, but it just seems to me that those at your church that don't consider you worthy of being in God's temple are judging you. Isn't it God's job to judge?

[Miss Petra]

Thank you ladies for your comments & insight.

Here is an update: My wonderful wife has agreed to go to gender counseling.

That part of you is acknowledged by your wife, yet 'she' is isolated. She is healthy enough to rebel against isolation.

How profound Roberta

The Call is that not infrequently they are Called to work with people in need; there is surely no shortage of crossdressers in anguish.

I never thought about that. Thanks for sharing.

anyway i can ramble but i dont make any sense....good luck

You make sense to me.

Petra
may i say you are not bad , sick , or what you do is a "sin ", it is not..

I know that, My wife knows that, & Heavenly Father knows that.

#2she might be worried what the neighbors, church members, mutual friends, relatives etc would think if you were 'discovered".

This is what worries her the most.

I am strong enough within my own self and within my marriage to keep my vows.

I totally agree.

Whenever you are able to join your sisters, we will be waiting for you.

Cant Wait

Isn't it God's job to judge?

Yes it is but that is when we move to the other side o the veil & we are judged for our actions. The temples in our church are considered the house of god. We agree to not do things that would make us unclean in the eyes of the lord. because nothing unclean can reside in the house of the lord. Our local church leader called a bishop through divine revelation & the spirit of the holy ghost testify what is true & right. The fact that I am actually becoming more worthy in my actions because I am allowed to dress is really puzzling to them.




Hugz,

Petra

[guruatbol]

Ok, this is hard to say, but here goes....I too am LDS. I have been through it too. Please, Please, Please email me and we can talk....

I have not posted enough to PM you or I would, so email me and we can talk....
I think it is in my profile...

Oh, been to temple...

[Kathleen Ann Trees]

Wow, Petra. Your story is a really good example of the challenges we face. We are all in different places, but we all have to deal with this.

We don't want to hurt our wives. We love them so. Yet, this is such a personal desire that it's hard to know who should give and who should take. Is there any way to get a win - win? I don't know, but I'm going to think about it and hope I can come up with some new ideas.

Best wishes.
Kathleen

[Alice Torn]

Petra, Congats, on the successful marriage you have, even with cding!! I have come to realize, that human nature, is just selfish, to varying degrees. And, if you believe, in the Adversary, or Satan, that invisible, enemy, who surcharges the very air, or this planet, with selfishness, and wrong desires, we have one hell of a battle, till the day we assume room temperature. Overcoming selfishness, and serving wife, or others, is a sacrifice. cding, without hurting a mate, or friend, does take thought, and sacrifice. You sound like you are up to preserving your marriage! Go for it.