man, being tg is f***ed up!

[pocoyo]

early night my foot! *looks at the clock* lol

wull its earlier than last night haha! (much!)
and I am just doing a quick grocery shop.. then it's beddy byes like a good boy!

[CaptLex]

Uh.. what sort of issues did you get from this thread then? Or did you just mean from what you know of me in general?

Basically everything you listed in your first post in this thread - and stuff you've talked about before, you know . . . gender issues, sexuality issues, "do I want to be him or do him?" issues, etc. Lots to think about - easier if you take each one by one.

[kerrianna]

Some really good feedback here already. You guys iz smarties.

Why is being transgender so f*cking annoying and confusing?

Main Entry: trans-
Function: prefix
Etymology: Latin trans-, tra- across, beyond, through, so as to change, from trans across, beyond — more at through
1: on or to the other side of : across : beyond

Sounds like a recipe for confusion to me.

Obviously I am never completely certain, but lately have been considering the fact that I may well want to transition.

But then suddenly today, because of a few things (reading some posts and being thoughtful after talking) I am thinking...

I might "just" be a crossdresser.
I read some stuff by some mfts in the photo thing... and they were wishing to have physical attributes of a woman.. even though they aren't transexual... (or were they? They didn't specify actually now I come to think of it).

This seems to be an endless debate here - what qualifies as CD/TG/TS etc. It's quite possible some people here would be classified or self classify as something more than CD if they looked at it deeper. I never considered myself as possibly being anything other until lately. Once I started learning more I realized that I fit a lot of TG patterns, maybe not all, but enough to seriously consider referring to myself that way. I could just as easily have carried on as I was too. It IS confusing.

Maybe my sometimes (well every day actually) longing for the physical attributes of a man are just symptoms of crossdressing.
Not of being transexual.

Really, what diff does it make what the definition is? It's what you want and are prepared to do for yourself that matters. The only question is will transitioning make you a happier, better person? That, unfortunately my friend, may be something only known for sure by doing it. I know what you're looking for is some surety because it is a huge commitment. All I can say is keep working with your therapist, talk to others who have similar lives and if and when you do decide to take steps EMBRACE them fully and with conviction and love for yourself.

Yes I do yearn everyday to be a man. But maybe it's because I've never been able to FULLY experience that. Perhaps it's nothing to do with being "a boy with a girl's body".

Did I put that thought in your head? I was just talking about that the other day I think. The grass is greener kind of thing. It's a valid question - I think your therapist could help you work that one out. I know I'll be bringing it up whenever I get to working with my own issues.

And no I'm not saying this because I'm in denial (I don't think)... I'm just really confused and actually p*ssed off with the whole thing right now.

Good. Sometimes that emotion needs to expressed with this crap. It can be crap - it'd be so much easier just to get on with enjoying our day, yet something keeps bumping us off course. I feel kind of in the same space today, oddly enough.

And my bloody mum confuses me too.. she makes me doubt myself SO MUCH. About lots of stuff. Not just TG issues.

They learn that at The School for Mums. Mine went to the same school.

But in the case of me being TG it's probably a good thing that she "fights" against certain aspects of it.. but she really doesn't need to .. because I do that enough myself.

Yup. She's just being yur mum tho.

I am actually afraid that I'm making all this bullsh*t up somehow.

I think I told my therapist today the same kind of thing, kind of a passing remark (which she wrote down lol), but I know the feeling. Usually when I ask that question of myself I answer "Nah!" If we are making it up then we obviously have SOME kind of gender issues, unless for some stupid reason we think it's COOL to be TG or TS. And you and I both have read and talked to enough people struggling with this to know that it ain't really cool. Why would we WANT to be TG if we weren't?

Why was I just looking at pictures of Edward Furlong for ages... thinking/wondering how much I would resemble him if I transitioned. (Because I resemble him somewhat and I reckon his slightly more masculine features would be what I look like if I transition... well that sort of boy/man anyway).

But I wasn't sure if I wanted to be WITH him... or be LIKE him.
Or both....

Because I know I do look a bit like him... but I fancy him too.
Isn't that like... really weird? Self-love lol?

Which got me to thinking... that perhaps I am just crossdressing.. and trying to create a boy I'd like to be with... rather than a boy I'd like to be.

Hmmm, I used to think that my CDing was mainly because of self love and I wanted to have a hot sexy female me to be with! lol! And part of it still is I think. I don't care - it means I basically like myself and find myself sexy. BUT that's a GOOD healthy thing! Everyone should feel that way about themselves (obviously not to the point of narcism) but you project that to others if you feel it. You KNOW you got it going on Pocs (we keep telling you too) - and that is part of your charm and charisma.

So again, that may be ONE of your motivations, or it could be a REALIZATION after the fact of recognizing that you are TG and wish to transition to male. Savvy? In other words, you are already going there in your mind and picking how you want to look and liking it. Obviously you're going to go for a look that is close to your orginal look and if you like someone's style why not borrow from it? We all do it. That's why stars are stars.

Which means I'm basically just a stupid, messed up GG (no I don't think that other people that do this are messed up btw).

WRONG DIAGNOSIS - DOES NOT COMPUTE. INVALID CRITICISM.

It also made me feel pathetic... seeing the more male person that looks like me. Compared my ridiculous feminine features (albeit clumsy ones).

Hmmm which leads me "nicely" on to...
I do have some gender/body dysphoria issues as well, and sexual issues.

But perhaps they are nothing to do with being trans and I am just trying to make it all fit together.

Sounds like a lot of the stuff I've read about being trans. Don't compare yourself to others either my friend. Always ends badly. Use them to inspire or motivate you, but you are a unique indvidual and well loved by those who know you.

I am confused and p*ssed off.

I keep thinking about what Lisa said about you awhile back:
"You think too much Angel"

poco yo (who/what ever the bloomin' eck that is!!!)
RrraaAAAAAARGH!!!!!

meh.

Ooo! That was kinda exciting hearing you roar like that.
Well, let it go for tonight. Maybe a good sleep will make you feel better. Somedays you just have to get on with the day to day and leave the big stuff in the closet for the day. I know becuzz I saw my therapist today I'm kind of churned up too, so that's part of it.

Drink your Hot Pocolate...er chocolate and get yourself comfy and know that you're okay as you are and as you will be, because your heart is golden and your spirit bright, and you have guides on your journey who will help you along.

[Kieron Andrew]

Geez! i love smart women! and you are one smart woman Kez!!!

[CaptLex]

Geez! i love smart women! and you are one smart woman Kez!!!

And she's so articulate too - expresses herself so well.

*wants hot pocolate*

[pocoyo]

Ahh I get it Cap!


Awwwwwwwwwww Kerrriiiiaaannnnnnaaahhhh
omg lol!
You really are amazing sometimes.
The things I see you write to people... and when you have your own rubbish going on too... you just totally rock dudette.
I can't reply in detail now or anything because I really must go to bed but thank you so much for your lovliness!

Haha.. like Kieron said... "you are one smart woman Kez" !!!

Thank you

Your words are cool and calm and intelligent and chilled out and reassuring!
Funny too.. hahaha does not compute

Ok.. cool I will stop worrying about it... (har har easier said than done... but maybe possible!!) and even if at work tomorrow people call me a lady or whatever, I will (try) not let it get to me because they just don't know/get it!

[pocoyo]

And she's so articulate too - expresses herself so well.

*wants hot pocolate*

Yus she's awesome.

Hehehe want hot pocolate eh?

[Kieron Andrew]

*wants hot pocolate*

me too!!

[pocoyo]

..... ......

hehehe night night... I am going to go and dream of you guys and "giving you hot pocolate" hahahaha don't hit me kieron.

Sleep well!

*hugs them all*

[Dasein9]

Geez! i love smart women! and you are one smart woman Kez!!!

Me too.

Oh. My. God!
Kez just turned me straight. Hallelujah, I'm cured!

[Dasein9]

Hey! I didn't want to be cured!

[Kieron Andrew]

Hey! I didn't want to be cured!

huh??

[Laurie909]

poc,

You definitely need to lighten up on yourself. You may not have all the answers. In fact you may not have any answers, but at least you are working toward a goal. You're not sitting in your house saying "poor, poor pitiful me." Your getting counseling and questioning what or who you are....that's a long way toward coming up with those all important answers. Frankly, and I hope you don't mind my saying this, either way you go you've got a lot going for you as a good-looking man or woman!

Laurie.....

[kerrianna]

:blushing: Wow, do you guys ever know how to make a girl happy!

TY, you made my night.

And I thought I was just being confusing.
Oh, we of little self-esteem....

[kerrianna]

Hey! I didn't want to be cured!

LOL!

We can cure your cureness, Das.

[bi_weird]

Such interesting thoughts here. The whole thing has got me thinking. But what I want to say is that you guys are awesome, and I'm glad I can come here to such a wonderful community. I've had sorta a crap night and it's great to come here and be among friends.

[KrazyKat]

Poco, it is a lot to ponder, isn't it?

Could I share something I've learned about myself, in the last 2 years and finding this forum?

I've finally found peace within myself(52 yrs old), because I understand why I don't fit in with either side, or also can see both sides of gender's thinking. See, I'm a fence sitter, I'm like right in the middle. I wore woman's suits and heels to the office(cust service mgr), but always felt like it was a uniform. I would have been just as happy in a men's suit, if I had that "package". Since I don't, and I can be whomever I feel like when I feel like it, I'm happy with what I have(plumbing wise). I really hate not being taken seriously in a man's world, the most. But I'm learning how to deal with this.

If you are thinking about presenting yourself male, and it's still a huge thingy, taking up a lot of brain energy, it probably always will be. So, just relax(easy for me to say, huh?) and do what you need to do, you know, to try it out and see if the "shoe fits", so to speak. You'll figure it out, and I've heard, you know, like uh, Rome wasn't built in a day or so!!

Hope this helps, and give that cutey poochy a petting for me!!

[kerrianna]

Such interesting thoughts here. The whole thing has got me thinking. But what I want to say is that you guys are awesome, and I'm glad I can come here to such a wonderful community. I've had sorta a crap night and it's great to come here and be among friends.

Hugggggssssss Bi!

I really liked your response earlier here and I've liked every thing you have to say.

I was telling my therapist today that I've never met such an amazing family of people. If people like you are what it means to be TG or just TG Allied, I count myself lucky to be involved.

[Kate Simmons]

Poc, This is why it is so important to know before you make the change permanent and "do the deed" if it is indeed the right thing for you. This is also why it is important to live and work as the other sex for a time before final surgery. Once it's done, there is no turning back and you are stuck with whatever you have or don't have.
For years, I always hoped , wished and prayed I could be a woman and thought I wanted that so badly. Once I finally got the opportunity to try it 24/7 however, I said to myself:"Is this it?" It had become so routine for me and somewhat hum drum. I realized I would miss my guy self too much if I transitioned and decided I would never do it.
I decided that this is what keeps me going, working with aspects of both sides and keeps me young and active. All I ever got from worrying about it was getting headaches, white hairs and going bald. I realized it was much better to simply go with my feelings and just be myself, whoever I choose to be at the time. Now I'm happy to be myself and happy also I didn't take the irreversible step. Each person has to determine that for themself though. Some of us have to make the change and have no choice but some can manage just fine the way we are. We just have to find out for sure.

[Felix]

Hi Pocs, well I'm not gonna waffle on just take ya time hun there's no hurry and ya therapist will help ya sort all this out. Sometimes it all does my head in and then I tell myself to stand back and look at the big picture. I question everything usually until my head is about to explode. Then I say to myself Stop! Why cos I gotta get on with my life every day things and therefore I can't afford to let all this stuff take over my mind. So take it easy hun and go with the flow evrything happens for a reason, go with ya gut instinct cos usually it is right. I won't label ya hun at the end of the day only you know who and what you are deep down. Take care Pocs ya a cool dude whatever for me xx Felix

[false_dichotomy]

As has been said, I think everyone questions themselves to a certain extent about most any significant choice they have to make.

I had an IM conversation with a friend about similar stuff to what you said in the first post, except I was rambling more about my uncertainties in how far I want the physical aspects of my transition to go. She replied:

i really think every transgendered person goes through something similar to this. this stuff is confusing--it would be to anyone. and it involves major changes in your body so no wonder you have mixed feelings. people have mixed feelings about what style of clothes they like or even whether to get body-altering procedures for medical reasons so i think its completely normal to feel confounded and out of sorts.

But yeah, a lot of my personal questioning about whether my transgender-ness is "real" comes from having suffered sexual abuse... as in, do I really want to be a MAN, or am I just afraid that being a woman marks me as a potential victim? Do I fail to identify with those parts because I'm simply not "mentally female" or whatever it is, or because someone used them to hurt me? Et cetera. But in the end, I came to the conclusion that, even if that is the case, if physical transitioning is what it takes to help me heal, isn't that enough of a reason? Like, who cares where it all came from; I have to deal with these feelings either way. Those are my (less-than-) brief thoughts on ths subject.

-Neil

[kerrianna]

But in the end, I came to the conclusion that, even if that is the case, if physical transitioning is what it takes to help me heal, isn't that enough of a reason? Like, who cares where it all came from; I have to deal with these feelings either way. Those are my (less-than-) brief thoughts on ths subject.

-Neil

Well put Neil. I was thinking exactly the same kind of thing earlier today (not the particulars, but about the whole where to go from here thing). Like you said, who cares where it all came from if you know it's where you need to be going to become a healthier, better you?

[pocoyo]

AWwww thanks for all your awesome answers.
They are really lovely, and really helpful.

Thanks so much everyone.
You all helped make me smile and feel a lot more relaxed & chilled out about it again. I really really appreciate it big time.

And welcome to the forum Neil!! Nice to see another ftm
You make some very good & reassuring/calming points there, thank you!
Oooh...yeah.... I have wondered that before too.. does it really matter the reasons, it just is. Sort of thing.

[MJ]

poc
i feel for you.. try and think of it like this you have windows operating system "the guy" and Linux system "the girl" now try and run them at the same time !!!!!!!!!!
what do you get , you get me and i think you feel the same way..
you know i go for my letter next Thursday for surgery and i still deal with this stuff and damn i went on hrt and blew out my boys and i still am not 100% i will never be 100%
poc it's not fare this mess in my head will never sort it self out and i think you have to find a balance and go with it
it's the unknown path we travel for me i set full sails and caution to the wind i can't turn back but i don't know were i will end up . i guess i will find out when i get there,
one thing for sure this gender identity issue will never go away unless i can erase my male programing ? but would it change who i am or should be
get a notebook and write down your issues then answer them one at a time then you know you have dealt with them whats left is your fear of the unknown welcome to my world..

poc i feel your pain i relay do , a question do you sometimes cry yourself to sleep over this ? i do .but then there are days or even weeks when the fog clears and all is well . but the fog comes back and we have to deal with it all over again cheer up god speed and lets get our happy poc back
hugs marissa