To choose -- "me or the c/d"

[Suzie S.]

Well, fortunately I have an accepting wife and was never faced with that ultimatum. It's easy to sit here and say I would choose my wife/family over cding. It might not be that easy if I actually WAS faced with that choice. I love my wife more than anything in the world, so I would have to give it up and tough through it. I wouldn't want to lose the best thing that ever happened to me.

[RobertaFermina]

For me....

"Division between beings is the necessary precondition for evil"

To "choose between" is itself participation in the propagation of evil.

The person may make an ultimatum, I can only choose to love both the ultimatum-maker and the would-be pariah. My choice is to NOT PARTICIPATE in the ultimatum itself.

Let the one who will divide people make that choice.

Roberta

[Raychel]

I would choose My Wife, My Kids and My Father. The rest of the world will just have to get over it. I don't know how happy I would be, But that is my choice.

[Kristen Kelly]

sorry i didnt explain correctly, its for all c/d , which ever gender really . & i meant the SO ask you to stop completely !! as in its either the c/d or me !!
& to answer the first question, NO i wouldnt expect that of my c/d SO . if i wasnt happy with something connected with the c/d i would say ( which i have recently ). i was very scarred to say things in past on the c/d front , ( for lots of reasons ), but like everything else in life , if you dont ask you dont get !!

[SIZE="3"]I would say the SO, but I know otherwise I had stopped for 2 years, was not going to do this any more, I became depressed replaced my dressing with eating and gained over 35 lbs. I went to see a shrink to work on my depression when the true reason came out, I did not have a clue this was the cause. Eighteen months later I have lost the weight and loosing more, have accepted myself, and found a life "I" am happy with, with many good friends. Sometimes we don’t make the choice it is made for us.
[/SIZE]

[Marcie Sexton]

Not to many months ago I was given the choice, and I chose, I gave Marcie up for my wife and family ...I hated her, I hate myself and life in general... At that time our marriage suffered terribly, but for some unknown reason my wife had a change of heart.

This past November I was reintroduced to Marcie with my wifes blessings. Now she and I share so much more than ever before.

She has become a supporter of the CD/TG rights and supports me fully.

Although there was damage to our marriage, I am thankful that it wasn't irrepairable. Perhaps it was the glue that has made us so much more close.

My only thought is that it is such a pity that so many SO's and wives remain so closed minded about this subject...after all we are not bad people, if any thing at least in my case it has made me appreciate the GG so much more.

Good luck to all those who are dealing with this same decision and I pray that all you can end up with the same results I did...

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

sometimes lifes choices arent what we really want !! but we endevour to carry on, and deal with things how we can in our best way i know what id choose straight down the line !! "love" . they say it conquers all

[vicky lee]

thats me at the moment im in that situation me or my cding hard discission i dont know which way to go if i try to stop i just know it will return

[RobertaFermina]

Ok, so I stop C/D or lose my S.O.?

I still can't deal with ultimatums.

I would do anything I reasonably could to get "whatever I get from C/D'ing" another way, for instances:

If C/D was really a distractive addiction, I would go 12-step, and learn to face what C/D serves to distract me from.

If I was suffering from lost connection with my natural feminine, I would find some other channel of exploratory and integrative therapy to reconstitute and nurture my entire soul.

If C/D was a stepping-stone to something else, I would take tne next step..."Ok Honey, I give up C/D-ing, now its time for Gender Therapy and Hormones and SRS and I'll do it all in Pants!" (i"m facetious and serious here, folks!)


I've got issues being with real women, and C/Ding helps me maintain some feminine connection as I avoid deep connection with women....I face my issues, and set C/Ding aside.

Make up your own possibilities of what to do....


If none of these speaks to me, or works for me, I'm back to C/Ding and the last alternative....

If some alternative plan of action - wholeheartedly executed - fulfills my needs, and restores my sense of wholeness FABULOUS! It could happen !


If NOT?

OK Honey, I'll hold my head under water just so I can keep you!

So now that I've turned blue and face down, she can keep my body, or ashes and not have to deal with the C/Ding.

If I'm lucky, I don't Really have any NEED to C/D !

My dose of reality is: If we haven't exchanged vows, and I can't shake the need to C/D...Adios Honey!
If we have exchanged vows...I've done my whole-hearted best, time for her to come across with hers.

I understand an expression of exasperation....but not ultimatums. I just DON'T!

Maybe that's why I don't have and S.O. ?

[bgirl]

My heart says drop the CDing, assuming it was my wife who made the ultimatum. By the honest answer would be that I have tried to stop and it always comes back, always comes back ,always comes back, always comes back,, always comes back, always comes back, always comes back, always comes back, always comes back, always comes back, always comes back.
The ball is back in the other court because I can't promise and be honest about it.

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

Theres alot of talk of "ultimatums", but ..... in one sense if the SO was so hurt, or scarred of the c/d yet they loved you so much, them asking you to stop, maybe is a plea ?? id never dream of asking my SO to stop c/d ( wev had many a heated argument over such ), in the end i realised a "compromise" had to be reached. @ the end of the day, sadly, if theres no way anything can be done, then perhaps its time to walk away

[KimberlyS]

Angie, I was given 2 such ultimatums.

The first was:

"you will quit cding period". End of discussion. Well I did for a while, then my cding drive just got worse and worse leading up to the second:

"if our marriage is going to get through this (cding) we need need help and we both need to go to counseling." "And I already have several names" and I do not remember if all of them, but the one she wanted to go to was a family counseling center based within a baptist seminar. The best part of that is she said "we" even though we initially with the intent to fix me.

I was not willing to give up on our marriage and from the look in her eyes it was this or she was gone. I never want to see that look again. No I do not regret it, but I went in knowing it was going to be an up hill battle and it has worked out good for us. Now our marriage is the best it has ever been and we are better at communicating with each other. But I know I still have a lot more improve my communication with my wife.

KimberlyS-CD
Joe in a skirt

[Amy Hepker]

I was put in that place a couple of times and I am still a crossdresser with a different lady that the ones that put me into the place. I even had a wife (now X) that tried to get the rest of her family and my friends against me because I am a crossdresser. It worked a little,b ut she hurt herself more in the end.

[DonnaT]

I've had this question put to me by my wife a few times during our 31 yrs together.

The choice was always her, but since I am trans/CD it wasn't like choosing apples and oranges, where you can leave one behind.

So, the dressing always returned. My wife is well aware that it always will return.

Last time she asked me, I said her, but then told her I'm not going back in the closet, since I can't drop that part of me off in the woods and hope it gets lost. So the answer is BOTH, and the next step was up to her.

Still together.

[siennacd]

I've had to make the decision because my wife couldn't handle my dressing and so I chose family over Sienna. I can hope that one day she will come to terms w/it and accept it.

Sienna

[KimberlyS]

Donna, you saying to your wife

... the answer is BOTH, and the next step was up to her.

Reminds me of about a year into my wife and I into working through the CDing issuses. I had quit CDing as a consession and show of good faith to work on the CDing issues. Well my wife was looking for more compromise and consessions out of me. I looked at her and said. You want me to give up more? I have given up all CDing. What more can I give up. And we know what happened last time I gave up CDing. And that was it just made my drive to CD even stronger leading to the blowup that forced us to deal with the CDing issues.

Not much was said after I said that for the evening. But that statement seemed to be a turning point. What exactly she thought I am not sure and you would have to ask her. But it was like she realized my CDing was not going to go away and we really needed to deal with it and not try to push it aside.

KimberlyS-CD
Joe in a skirt

[Bonnie D]

I was given that ultimatum early on in my marriage but not directly or in so many words. I chose to stay with her and try to stop dressing. That didn't last long and so I kept it to myself and in private. No more was ever said about it and we went on to have two great children. I always found enough time to be home alone to satisfy my need to release my feminine self. In the last few years I have had much less time alone and I've discovered that I am not so alone. I am also eating myself up inside and am quite concerned about my health. I will have to come out soon.

Regarding your question about a direct ultimatum, I would have to choose my dressing because it is more than just dressing. I've always had TS issues since I was young but kept it as secret as my dressing. I recently came out to my mother and she asked me why I got married in the first place. I told her because I met my wife, fell in love with her, wanted a family and was hoping marriage would "cure" me. I love my wife but am not in love with her. My wife recently asked me this because she has noticed something quite different about me in the last few years. I was not quite ready to come out to her at that particular moment. She wants out if things are not going to change. I will have a talk with her within the next few weeks.

In hindsight, I would not have gotten married and she would have met someone else and had a family with that person. I would have eventually accepted my true self and who knows where I would be and with whom. I would definitely be on HRT and either still on my own or with a man and possibly gone through SRS.

[DonnaT]

In hindsight, I would not have gotten married and she would have met someone else and had a family with that person.

Or she would have met an married a bullying abusive husband, as many women have, and been bad off for it.

If I want to second guess, I'd rather think the first choice was the best choice.

[Casey Morgan]

in one sense if the SO was so hurt, or scarred of the c/d yet they loved you so much, them asking you to stop, maybe is a plea ??

Yeah, that's clumsily what I was trying to get at. Something would have to be very wrong for her to ask me to choose. Forget CDing, forget the trans issues, there's something at the very core of the relationship that needs to be addressed. There's some need of hers that isn't being met, and it's reached a critical level. That's what we would need to talk about: what need isn't being met, what can we do about that, and how can we keep that from happening again.

Eh, I'm being vague and clinical, but I honestly can't imagine things getting to that point. (It does, but hopefully not if I'm one of the two people in the relationship.)

[Cassy11]

No tough choice for me, it would be wife and family. I know CDing would always be in the back of my mind. Could there be something out there to occupy my spare time, something I might like more than dressing? I guess I would just have to go looking until I found it.

[Sierra Evon]

my CDing / TG , is just simply who i am , like alot of y'all , I just would not give-up who and what I am , I'm divorced and single have been for years , its kinda no brainer , the ultimte decision I guess would just be made for my 2 kids , !!!!!!!

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

if theres children involved as well, its a tough call when its put infront of you !! been happy & been with someone you love ? yet having to sacrifice something thats part of you ?? tough decision i reckon !!

[Christine Andrews]

If I were put in this situation by anyone other than my mum I would have no hesitance in showing them the door. I reject ultimatums because as already pointed out - they are emotional blackmail.

At this time I am a single 20 year old business & management student, living at home and have very few commitments. Since I don't get on with many relations (especially my father) or get to see some of them often I would definitely choose CD'ing.

However if my mum made that ultimatum, which I don't seriously think she would, I would be frozen. I would want to stop with all my heart and soul, me and my mum are very close and always have been. We can read each others minds just by looking at each other and finish each others sentences - so I would say that I would stop.

However having tried to stop and purged several times I couldn't guarantee that I would stop and would communicate this to try and reach a compromise. If one couldn't be reached then there is no doubt I would choose my mum.

As a side, if I were to meet a woman who I felt I could connect to in terms of a relationship, I would bite the bullet very quickly and tell her about my CD'ing and explain that I would want to be honest and that I would never ask her to participate and that she would be priority me - because if we could survive that speedbump it would potentially be a solid long term relationship.

Trouble is, the women who I meet and really connect with are either:
A) Already married
B) Engaged to be married
C) Have boyfriends considerably bigger and stronger than me

But if it is meant to be, it will happen when it happens!

[Jenn2716]

My wife and I are currently on the brink of seperation, but not because she gave me an ultimatum, but because she gave herself one.

We've been together for 12 years (8 of those years married). We've always been totally in-love with each other and have made my cding a part of lives together since year 1.

However, she has reached a point in her life where she doesn't know if she wants to stay married to a crossdresser. The only significant change that has occurred recently is that I've expressed my interest in attending TG support meetings dressed enfemme and perhaps going to a GLBT night club dressed occasionally. This is something that she says that she could not live with, even if I went to these places by myself. When I said that I would not go out dressed and instead stay home to cd, she then said that she knows that I would still "want" to go outside dressed and that I should be free to do that. In fact she says that me being a cd is not really a problem for her. That if we were just friends, she could hang out in public with me dressed with no problem. She just doesn't want the world to know that her husband is a cd.
Basically, she feels like she has "accepted" my cding for as long as she can, and cannot accept it any longer. Her words are that its better for us to move on now while we are still young and find other happiness in our lives.

What is truly making this hard is that we are most definitely soul-mates and can't even fathom how we each would exist without the other. Other than the cding, there is not one single complaint/problem that we have with each other.

She's issued herself an ultimatum: Can I continue to support my husband's crossdressing? or Do I no longer want a crossdresser as a husband?

We are in counselling (both couples and individual) and we are really trying to make the best decisions possible. I'm not sure how long it will take, but eventually we will either move on from this crisis closer and more in-love than ever, or we will begin our lives as newly divorced but still friends.

I'm shattered, disappointed, scared, but still empathetic(sp?) and supportive of her feelings. I need her to do whatever it is that will make her most happy, even if it completely breaks my heart.

[Toyah]

sorry i didnt explain correctly, its for all c/d , which ever gender really . & i meant the SO ask you to stop completely !! as in its either the c/d or me !!
& to answer the first question, NO i wouldnt expect that of my c/d SO . if i wasnt happy with something connected with the c/d i would say ( which i have recently ). i was very scarred to say things in past on the c/d front , ( for lots of reasons ), but like everything else in life , if you dont ask you dont get !!

Ok 2 answers here sometimes SOs are too accepting of all their partner wants, there have to be limits and lines drawn for the CD some do go off the rails somewhat.

I suppose if the ultamatum was drawn then I would leave because Toyah is one of the few things that life enjoyable and bearable. I could and have lived without CDing but really am not a pleasent person to be around if it is taken away totally.

[ronna]

Wow, Wicked, tough choice.
Someone close to me asked me if my SO would leave me if she knew, I said it wouldn't be worth that risk, but it's the risk I take every day (actually not that often) but there's no way I can give it up