Howdy girls. Four weeks ago I blew the lid off my latent CD'ing and 'got serious'. Thanks in part to many of you, I have bought wigs, clothes, shoes, makeovers, electrolysis, high-quality breast forms, training programs, and immersed myself full throttle into my femininity. The stereo has been playing Anuna non-stop. I have been practicing 'the walk' everywhere I go. My entire body is shorn of hair whether shaved or violently ripped out via epilation. My eyebrows are thin and beautiful. And every email I have sent out has been liberally peppered with smileys and exclamations and *wavey waves*!!!!!!!!!!
Wowie wow wow!!!!!!
The experience has been fantastic so far, but also draining. I seem to have reached the limit of how femme I can go within the space of one month. My wife's patience has been almost completely exhausted. I am exhausted. I have lost weight, slept poorly, and spent A LOT of time crying my eyeballs out searching the dark depths of my feelings (if this is what it feels like to be hormonal, dear lord I feel for those of you on a prescribed regimen of HRT!). Anyway, it seems that the initial hyper-ecstatic SURGE phase is finally coming to a close.
This is a good thing, because it is proof that the 'high' doesn't last. It won't sustain you. Even if you close your eyes real tight, click your heels three times, and pray to be *woman* *woman* *woman* you will not find yourself whisked off your feet by a pink magic carpet flying towards a femmy fantasyland where the daily responsibilities of going to work, feeding your family, and being a mature adult magically disappear in a cloud of glitter. Won't happen, trust me. It's a fun ride, but when the park closes you have to get back on the bus and go home like everybody else, genetic women included.
Regardless, I am glad to have gone through the process because I have learned something very important about myself. As things wind down inside, I now know, without question, through and through, that I am part woman. A feeling, breathing, loving, living, walking, talking, giving, sharing, silly, sexy, and truly great woman. Now I must decide what to do with her. The question is no longer "Am I a woman?", but "HOW MUCH woman do I wish to be?"
I'm beginning to doubt the figure is 100%. That would require giving up my masculine side entirely, which I feel would be a mistake. Guess who came to my rescue when I was balled up on the floor sobbing in misery? My masculine side. He was like, "HEY! Enough already! Get up, stop being such a self-centered drama queen, and treat your wife to some ice cream and movies." Without him, I'd still be spinning in my own self-perpetuated agony. And after all, sometimes it is very convenient to be a guy. Very low maintenance. I think I'd miss not having that option.
Yet I do want to look pretty. As Karen I feel that my appearance more closely matches my true self-image. When I see her in the mirror, I see myself looking back. I very much enjoy acting (and feeling) the part, because it seems so natural... even joyful. And I am committed to taking serious physical steps to look even better, such as undergoing electrolysis on my beard.
So... I guess I'm working out a plan for a happy medium. Something that will work over the longer term. Right now I am searching for the exact place where I can be as feminine-looking as possible without it being a one-way trip. No SRS (I like my naughty guy-parts), no HRT, and no breast implants. Everything else is still on the table, including rhinoplasty, brow shaping, and chin/neck surgery to create a flattering and passable illusion of femininity. I don't mind looking like a very pretty man when in guy-mode, because at least I will still have that option available to me.
What does this make me? More than a CD, I think, but less than a full-blown post-op transsexual. Tgirl might be the right description. I guess I can live with that. Most of all I am glad to be getting back to 'normal' again, although now my normal world is a hell of a lot larger than it ever was before.
On with phase two!
Originally Posted by Karen Meadows
My name is Carol.
Mine is too. This is so confusing for ourselves and what we put them through 
...I'm glad you saw through the fog and remembered what also exists. Sometimes the flower that we bloom into overshadows the rest of the plant, which is what really holds us up. 
We have always fought for total (but not brutal) honesty in our relationship and marriage. This stage of my life is really putting us to the test, but had we retreated from honesty into secrets and lies we wouldn't have made it this far. She's very emotionally supportive of me and while not totally appreciative of my new personality she is doing quite well considering the circumstances. In time, perhaps she will make herself known here.
