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Thread: ...Cold feet..big step..

  1. #26
    The Wayward Wren's Avatar
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    Update!!!

    Ok..hurdle one..

    As it stands I wear a lot of ambiguously gendered clothing like tailored shirts that are made little girl sized but look like boys shirts. So today I went out on a mission to find more legitimate male clothing.. i hate life sometimes. Pretty much nothing fits.. Except American Eagle stuff.

    The endeaver ended in me breaking down into tears. And just wanting to give up asking myself why I'm not embracing my femininity, then I went home and watched a pussycat dolls video.

    I feel like wearing girl clothing that looks like boy clothing is a huge cop out.
    However..in my genre boys wear girls clothes all the time. so I don't really know what i'm going to do.

    Hurdle Two,

    I looked down at my nails today and realized that I would have to keep them short.. for some reason that knowledge bothered me for a moment. I'm starting to discover the small nuances that I hadn't ever thought about since I was switching to and from genders constantly. It's strange how different this is than I imagined it would be. A lot harder.

    Hurdle three,

    I'm not going to be able to go fulltime male. There are activities in my life that, there's pretty much no way that I'm going to be able to be completely male during. That ..really saddens me. I'm afraid of looking like a halfway done have assed freak.

    I apologize for making no sense at all.. i'm fairly tired.
    Two monks were watching a flag flapping in the wind. One said to the other, "The flag is moving."
    The other replied, "The wind is moving."
    Huineng overheard this. He said, "Not the flag, not the wind; mind is moving."

  2. #27
    Silver Member kerrianna's Avatar
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    Hey Wren, I can totally relate to yr confusion. I think the biggest problem is what we think society wants to see.

    I may be off base here, but one of the coolest things I see online is a growing counterculture against all the crap that society and institutions and religions and even our 'friends' put on us.

    What I hear from you is that you don't want to be pegged down as either this or that and want to have the freedom to explore all aspects of your being. That's actually really cool, and a lot of us are going through that - in fact I hope I never stop. The day I stop asking WTF is the day I transition to the next life.

    I too know that I will be half-a**d freak...and fng proud off it. Whatever works for me. I was out today with a very mixed gender message ( I prefer to call it gender blending rather than gender bending). A few store clerks might have looked startled but so what - I felt great being myself.

    There is no law against being yourself Wren. Fk what others think...and then when you think of it, that's all that was holding you back. Because being yourself is very simple.

    If you don't want to go all one way keep something femme...maybe one or two fingernails...whatever...play with it...esp cuz yr young, you can get away with a lot...play with life kiddo, it's yours to do with as you see fit.
    "I dwell in possibility."

    "Say what you want and be who you are, because those who matter don't mind, and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

    "I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."
    George Bernard Shaw

  3. #28
    In the middle bi_weird's Avatar
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    Well those are conundrums, no doubt. At this point, I'd stop and ask myself why I'm going full time. Is it so that you'll be seen and treated like a guy by those around you? Or is it so that you'll know what it's like to wear guy clothes and see yourself like a guy? Basically is it about how others see you or how you see yourself? Or both...or neither... But yes. Both are legitamate answers, but they lead to different conclusions. If it's just about how others see you, then go ahead and cheat. Buy boyish girl clothes that'll make you pass and fit better than guy clothes.
    (Btw, I wear a lot of American Eagle stuff because it fits well and is cheap. I rationalize it that because I don't pass I look a lot less preppy than the guys at those stores...or so I tell myself.)
    If it's about how you see yourself, than that's different. While you can self-define how you see your male side, and decide that he has long nails or whatnot, I'd suggest against it. I'd make some very rigid rules about how boyish you have to be, to make sure you do this experiment to the fullest. Like Poc and his girl time - if you're going to spend time exploring, go all the way so that you have clear results. You'll probably end up finding that you don't want to be THAT guyish, and you'll have a much clearer idea of just how guyish you are. There ARE guys out there that love a lot of feminine things, and it's okay to find those attributes in yourself. Make youreslf play boy, totally one-hundred percent boy, and do it for a month or so. Then you'll know just how boyish you want to be.

    Oi. Now that I'm done lecturing...*BIG HUG* Sorry that things are stressing you out so much. If I'm wrong, just ignore everything I said and do what works for you. Try the boys section for clothes - I have a friend who does that all the time. Stuff's more fun there anyway. But yes. Sucks to be stressing over things like that, especially so soon after exams are done. Go have some chocolate now and take ten minutes to do something fun that's just for you.
    I wanna know, can you show me
    I wanna know about these
    strangers like me
    Tell me more, please show me
    Somethings familiar about these strangers like me

  4. #29
    Being There Dasein9's Avatar
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    Okay, I'm inclined to agree that Lesbian-Comment-Guy's kind of being an insecure jerk. Don't mind him, unless he does something funny.

    Your boyfriend sounds great. It sounds like he gets that you have to do this for you.

    For clothes, have you tried the boys' department? I buy a lot of Land's End online and the Gap boys. The Gap's sizing is such that a boy's size XXL is the same as a men's size S, but the shirts are half the price. If anyone asks, I just say the sleeves fit me better than women's shirts, which is true.

    I kind of did the experiment thing last summer, but without planning to. It was a very rewarding experience, and meant a lot to me. When school started in the Fall, and I had to wear a women's suit to class on the first day, I nearly cried. Until the barrista at Starbucks called me "sir," that is. It kind of finds its own way of balancing out, this gender thing. If we give it room to, that is.

  5. #30
    Senior Member Taylor105's Avatar
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    I'm with Das. I'm five foot three and petite. I went to a boy's section yesterday and got a size XXL and it fits just as a men's small but the sleeves are more form fitting. And yeah it is a heck of a lot cheaper.

  6. #31
    Bandit Keith sparro's Avatar
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    Trying to find nicely fitting boys clothes is terrible sometimes... some days are better.

    Don't be scared of looking like a freak. I understand that when putting on a new look...especially one that seems more personal to you, you're kind of exposing a personal, and likely sensitive part of your yourself for the world to see. But at the same time, ... there's not much room for error when you're wearing pants and a t-shirt.

    Just remember that clothes and haircuts are transient. On the scale of your life they messure no more then a few seconds. As Buddha would say, material things cause us to suffer, and only by realizing this can be set free from it. Of course, Machiavelli would say that the material only has as much worth as you put into it. It's people that shape everything. They're both saying the same and different things, but they both have a good point.

    Do what makes you happy. You'll never know how much you'll enjoy looking like a boy until you try it. And if you don't, you still have an entire life as a girl behind you. You haven't burned that bridge. Remember too that you're still young and can get away with a lot more then you will be in the future. Take a leap of faith .

    ...and as Bandit Keith would say: Dressing in what lets you express who you feel like inside is sometimes are hard process, but will ultimately feel very rewarding... in America.
    Last edited by sparro; 05-02-2007 at 12:05 PM.

  7. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by sparro View Post
    Trying to find nicely fitting boys clothes is terrible sometimes... some days are better.

    Don't be scared of looking like a freak. I understand that when putting on a new look...especially one that seems more personal to you, you're kind of exposing a personal, and likely sensitive part of your yourself for the world to see. But at the same time, ... there's not much room for error when you're wearing pants and a t-shirt.

    Just remember that clothes and haircuts are transient. On the scale of your life they messure no more then a few seconds. As Buddha would say, material things cause us to suffer, and only by realizing this can you find happiness for yourself. Of course, Machiavelli would say that the material only has as much worth as you put into it. It's people that shape everything. They're both saying the same and different things, but they both have a good point.

    Do what makes you happy. You'll never know how much you'll enjoy looking like a boy until you try it. And if you don't, you still have an entire life as a girl behind you. You haven't burned that bridge. Remember too that you're still young and can get away with a lot more then you will be in the future. Take a leap of faith .
    I like you dude! you think and speak logically!!

  8. #33
    The Wayward Wren's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sparro View Post
    Machiavelli would say that the material only has as much worth as you put into it. It's people that shape everything.
    Hehe..that was Thomas More. I hear what you are saying though, and you're right. And usually I post during moments in which I am a lot less secure than usual.

    In the end I'm going to have to cut corners with my clothing but not as a girl trying to look like a boy, but rather as a small boy who's trying to wear clothing he likes. I'm comfortable enough with my masculinity that I can wear a girls shirt. *shrug* I'm going to have to jump over my fears and see beyond them, if I screw up then *shrug* i move on after living in a cave for a while.
    Last edited by Wren; 05-03-2007 at 01:30 PM.
    Two monks were watching a flag flapping in the wind. One said to the other, "The flag is moving."
    The other replied, "The wind is moving."
    Huineng overheard this. He said, "Not the flag, not the wind; mind is moving."

  9. #34
    Silver Member kerrianna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wren View Post
    I'm going to have to jump over my fears and see beyond them, if I screw up then *shrug* i move on after living in a cave for a while.
    LOL, you're so cool Wren.
    "I dwell in possibility."

    "Say what you want and be who you are, because those who matter don't mind, and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

    "I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."
    George Bernard Shaw

  10. #35
    Swishy Pirate CaptLex's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wren View Post
    I'm going to have to jump over my fears and see beyond them, if I screw up then *shrug* i move on after living in a cave for a while.
    As long as you send us the bat signal from time to time.
    But why is the rum gone?! - Capt. Jack Sparrow [SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl[/SIZE]

    Why is the rum always gone? - Capt. Jack Sparrow [SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest[/SIZE]

    Why is all but the rum gone? No, the rum's gone too . . .
    - [SIZE="1"]Pirates of the Caribbean: At World End[/SIZE]

    [SIZE="3"]Lex on the Beach[/SIZE]. . . [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  11. #36
    The Wayward Wren's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptLex View Post
    As long as you send us the bat signal from time to time.
    You can all come visit me in the cave. It'll be a constant party. We've already got Steam Whistle and pie... oh i'm going to gain a lot of weight.

    And besides I haven't receeded into the cave yet. I have a ways to go.
    Two monks were watching a flag flapping in the wind. One said to the other, "The flag is moving."
    The other replied, "The wind is moving."
    Huineng overheard this. He said, "Not the flag, not the wind; mind is moving."

  12. #37
    Bandit Keith sparro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wren View Post
    You can all come visit me in the cave. It'll be a constant party. We've already got Steam Whistle and pie... oh i'm going to gain a lot of weight.

    And besides I haven't receeded into the cave yet. I have a ways to go.
    That sounds like my kind of party... I do still really crave that combination...

    Thomas More...Machiavelli, you wrote the book on them, not me...*sigh* *FAILED*

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