A confession

[Alicia_lynn419]

greetings everyone....

I had a wonderful session today with my therapist, our time, after nearly 3 years now focuses almost completely on crossdressing. I shared with her a string on self love/acceptance which I found very influential (thanks Rita)! She then asked me why I don't try harder to cultivate friendships with other CDs.

After much thought I answered that because of some "bad" experiences, I remain dubious. Now before I go any further, please let me assure you I intend to offend no one. I use to belong to a local support group, and often found the behavior of some, but not all members, to be "irresponsible". For any group dedicated to the support of Cds and Sos, I often was shocked at the philosophy of ,"It's not your problem, it's hers".

Just a thought here, but if you are on half of a couple, you as the CD, don't [we] bear some responsibility towards how our SO feels? Case in point... I once sat in a meeting, (the only support group meeting my ex wife ever joined me in) in which the SO of a group member was in tears over how her husband showed little concern about how she (the wife), and their children felt over him being dressed around them. I sat and listened to this lady cry her eyes out, watching my own wife tear up from a sense of understanding. Let me assure you, as soon as the meeting was over, I was chasing my wife out to the car, and the drive home was not a pleasant one. I think that afternoon shed a whole new perception on me, making me realize that crossdressing is more than about the crossdresser.

A few years later, I contacted a member of this group to share with them my divorce and change in life, admitting that I knew my CDing played a part in the demise of my marriage. (s)He responded, "that's her problem, not yours".

I'm sorry, but I found that to be a very flippant and irresponsible answer from someone who represents a national CD support group, especially one founded on support of the CD AND the SO/family members! I thought that was a very selfish attitude to have - after all, CDing DOES affect every relationship somehow.... I just felt that the answer presented to me really marginalized the give and take that we (as a CD/SO couple) need to face. I realize also that every couple is different, that we all have our own unique place on the "gender continuum". In the end, I was struck by the lack of respect I found towards the idea of personal responsibility within the framework of a CD/SO relationship.

After my session this morning with the Amazing Dr. F, I felt this need to vent and let go... I know there are many who do share these feelings.... Again, I mean to cast no stones......

So back to my session with the Amazing Dr. F ... I conveyed all of this to her, admitting these experiences, not to mention some of the behavior I have seen from some of the local "girls" at some of the local CD friendly clubs, has slanted my belief in ever finding other "girls" that I can share a real friendship with - until I found Crossdressers.com.

Over the last year, I have found on this site so many wonderful people - kind, giving and sharing - folks who open their hearts to one another and give without exception... I am thankful to you all! Though you may all not be close in a geographical kind of way, I admire all of you for posting your deepest thoughts, fears and dreams, to share with everyone. Yes, sometimes, this can be a lonely existence but being able to log on and know there are others that look deep within, gives me courage and hope to keep moving on - especially since I am again single and looking - hoping to find that great, elusive "accepting SO". Of all the sites I've been to over the years, most of which I can't take seriously, Crossdressers.com is a real gem! I have to thank all of you for making this work! I feel I have finally found an online community home! Everyone on this site makes that possible - thank you all!

So in closing, I could not offer my shrink one good reason, other than those mentioned above, why I don't have more CLOSE CD friends. Somehow I feel I will find those friends here!

God Bless everyone of you, for marching to the beat of a different drum, up to that mouse, logging on and sharing... You/We are all such wonderful people with so much to give and share... if we have nothing else, we have each other!

With deepestl gratitude,

Allie

[Dixie]

[SIZE="3"]I am fortunate to have my wife's support so I never felt the need to join a suppoprt group. Besides the attitude you just described isn't support at all! Well we still have each other (my wife & I) so we wish you good luck and our heart goes out to you.[/SIZE]

[Tanya83]

That was a nice read. Thanks for sharing and good luck to you!

[TxKimberly]

Good post and thanks for sharing what are clearly some thoughts from the heart.

" . . . don't [we] bear some responsibility towards how our SO feels?. . ."
Darn right we do! You can take the tact that "it's a free country, I bring home the bacon, I'll wear a dress all I want to" all you like, but if you are causing your wife pain, you DO own some responsibility there. I wouldn't presume to tell anyone that they should or should not continue to dress if that is the situation, but you DO need to accept responsibility for your actions


" . . . I often was shocked at the philosophy of ,"It's not your problem, it's hers". . ."
This is silly. First, cross dressing IS our problem, and I am so greatful that my wife chooses to accept me with my problems. Second, if your married, her problems ARE your problems, and yours are hers. That is part of what marriage is.
Comments like this sound to me like someone trying to convince themselves that they bore no responsibility for the situation. Sounds a bit like the kid who lost in a game and is walking home kicking the dirt and saying "it's a stupid game anyway."

You will find that cross dressers, like any other group of human beings, will have a wide range of people. I think that most are what any reasonable person woiuld consider decent human beings. Some on the other hand are going to be selfish, rude, mean, nasty, twisted, self centered, etc, etc. Just like any other group or gathering of people. So far, I have had the honor of personaly meeting at least three girls from this forum and they were ALL great girls that I would be proud to introduce as my friends. :-)

Kim

[silkie h]

If one enters into a relationship with someone & doesnt make them aware from the very beginning of aspects such as being a tv or cd, then the CD/TV bears full responsibility for anything that happens to the relationship as a result of revelations thereafter. Simple reasoning as the SO was never given the option either to continue or otherwise at a time when the committment to the relationship was not strong.

SO's who are told of the situation years into a relationship, are not given such a choice until it is too late. They are presented with a fait accomplit by someone they love & respect. That love & respect takes a huge hit when they find out something like this. I will never forget my Wife's reaction to my revelation. She was calm, a little tearful, but devastated. Fortunately she stayed. Some cannot cope as we are not the people they thought we were in some ways.

My point ? If your SO decides to stay but cannot cope with what you do, then keep it in the closet. That would have been my choice as my relationship with Her is far more important. Whenever I do dress at home, I tend to keep an eye on her attitude to see if there is anything to suggest that my dressing is irritating her. If so it stops but that is rare. People like us need to be even more considerate towards their SO's as they are amazing and resilient people who deserve it. Just some thoughts.

[Karen Francis]

Interesting discussion. A constant theme throughout this site.
Like any two mutually exclusive items, trying to keep a relationship alive while engaging in crossdressing requires a great deal of thought and a few decisions have to be made.
How much do you value the relationship?
How much do you value crossdressing?
Are these values changing over time? example:
I am married 34 years, my SO has known for 35 years. For the 1st 20 years of marriage it was relationship 70% crossdressing 30%. With evolving events, kids moving out, wife getting fat, desire to fully explore this lifestyle has swapped the #'s 70% crossdressing 30% relationship.
It is selfish of me to crossdress. I am not a saint. The relationship would go completely down the tubes if I decided to repress the crossdressing. A better person than I am would put more effort in the relationship. I have decided not to and am taking responsibility for that.
By the way I have spent 100's of hours talking with the person that matters, my wife about every detail of this business of crossdressing. She has come to the conclusion it is better to share me with the crossdressing lifestyle than not to have the chance to have me at all. Everything is a compromise.

[DawnL]

I am sure that there are some on here that feel that way. The prevailing theme here, I believe, is one of responsibility. I told my wife right away or at least as soon as a chance came. I thought it was necessary. Others son't ever tell their SO. Both of us do it for the same reason, because we have respect for our SO's feelings. I and others felt that we had to tell our SO's and others didn't want to hurt their relationship by telling them. Different points of view but with the same ideal....respect for our relationship.
I'm glad you found the forum, I know I am.

[Byllie]

Everything is a compromise.

Absolutely! Marriage is a partnership, and like any partnership it takes two to tango. That is, both must share the bounty and both the work. And yes, it is work to keep a marriage going, again just like any partnership. People evolve over time and that demands constant adjustment, constant communication. To say, "It's her fault" is a cop-out. I agree, it is definitely like the kid losing and saying it was a stupid game.

My wife and I had a rocky time, many years ago, long before my CDing surfaced. But we worked it through. We talked ... ALOT. So, when I made the realization of who I was a little over a year ago, and came out to my wife, there was understanding on both sides. Almost thrity years of marriage so far and looking forward to many, many more years.

[Angie G]

Well Allie after being in some organization I've come to realize in any group
there are some well lets sat jerks who lets say aren't as nice as others anf who belong to yhe ''ME'' generation this we can't change but I try not to deal with them .
There are some great loving and caring people here and for that season I choose this site.
I try to give my wife some consideration of her feelings as I try to do with all my family friends and whoever
Angie