False Impressions?

[Stephenie S]

Hi all,

Please forgive me if this irritates or upsets anyone or casts doubts on the veracity of posts here - it is not my intention to do that.

There are many stories of going out and having 'adventures' en femme on this site but I find that I am somewhat sceptical (maybe that's because I'm a cynic anyway ) that these sorties are as 'easy' as they seem. I find it easy to relate to the 'dashed to the car wearing ... and couldn't get back quick enough' type of scenario and the 'went round the block at 3 in the morning' because I have been there as well and I understand it.

I do have something more of a problem with those accounts, particularly by part-time cross-dressers rather than those full-time/tranisitioning transgenders, which make it sound as though it is the easiest thing in the world to go shopping (or elsewhere) en femme and there is never a problem. This is for 2 reasons. First the account doesn't usually cover the mental and emotional turmoil that going out causes and how to cope with it. Secondly, IF it is untrue, it could cause someone less experienced and less ready to go for a risky trip out. Now I'm not saying that anyone has ever posted an untrue account (how would I know after all) but I am worried that it can at times seem too easy and one day could get someone into deep sh... trouble. Of course I have absolutely no idea what we can do about it other than use our own judgement about whether something is risky or not.

I hope that makes sense and doesn't rattle anyone's cage too much.

Em

Dear Emma,

As you may have been able to surmise from the reactions to your post, there are those who agree with you and those who don't.

The fact is, it is "the easiest thing in the world to go shopping (or elsewhere) en femme". The fear and guilt most of us have is only in our heads. The fact is that 99% of the people in this world are far too wrapped up in their own troubles to give much of a damn about what you look like and how you want to present to the world. We manufacture all this turmoil ourselves. We are afraid! Imagine that. Afraid! Big strong men! Afraid of an underwear department in a department store! Afaid of a total stranger in the car next to us at a stop light. Afraid! It's ALL in your head.

Are people going to look? Yup! Do they care? Nope! To them you are a nothing. If anything at all you will rate a remark at the dinner table that night. You would get the same attention if you went shopping in a clown suit or a cowboy outfit. A passing glance, a roll of the eyes, and then on to the next problem.

Here is where the concept of appropriateness come in. If your dress is APPROPRIATE for your suroundings, again, 99% of the people will not even see you. This is why we say go to the mall, see what other women are wearing, and wear the SAME thing. Mostly that's jeans and a top. So if "going out" for you means dressing as for a formal dinner party, in stckings, heels, girdle, full makeup, fancy hairdo, you are going to stick out like a sore thumb at the mall. To dress like that, you need to go somewhere (like a formal dinner party) where all the other women are dressed the same way. If you are dressed appropriately, even when you are "clocked" the reaction will be much more positive than if you try to wear fishnets and 6" heels to the Outlet Barn. People don't like hookers of either sex, so if you want to dress ****ty, stay away from women and children.

And this leads us to the next consideration. That of the real danger which is out there. Is there danger? Yes there is, and it is real. So what is it? It's when you try to trick someone, another man, into thinking you are a woman. Men, in our present society, are incredibly homophobic, and capable if incredible violence, especially if they think they have been forced into a homosexual encounter. Almost all the instances of violence against TG and CD people have occured when men have thought their "honor" has been compromised by a homosexual encounter (when they have been "tricked" into a sexual encounter) with a "woman" who turns out to be a man. Don't do it! Unless you are 100% woman, FFS, SRS, the whole nine yards, DON'T try to fool another man into a sexual encounter. If it backfires, the potential for a violent reaction is huge. This is the danger. This is the real danger. Will this happen at the mall?, the bank?, the post office?, on the way to your therapist apointment? No. It won't. Because most people just don't give a tinkers dam about what you wear or what you look like, really. The danger comes from a mixture of CDing, alcohol, sex, and young men.

If you want to go shopping, to the bank, to the post office, to the gas station, go ahead. It is easy. The barriers are only in your head. I have not touched upon the reaction of your spouse or GF. I will leave that problem up to you. But the problem of how to deal with the whole wide world out there? That's a real non-issue. ALL here who have gotten up the gumption to just DO it have reported it's no big deal. And it isn't. Really!

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Mitch23]

I've just done my first and i can assure you that it was the most terrifying thing i have ever done! I think I'm pretty convincing now i've got my image sorted out but i cant escape being 6'2". You've really got to weigh up the risks and decide for yourself whether its worth it! On balance for me it was but it may not be for everyone. You've got to get out of the house for a start - do you want your neighbours to see you and are you (and your family) ready to face the consequences. Parts of it are easy, pottering around in shops for instance - most people are pretty oblivious to what is going on and too busy to care. parts are hard like when you are waiting in line to buy something getting in close eye contact with people. some things like bathrooms and changing rooms area long way away for me,

the buzz is fantastic and the risks are always there - just weigh them up carefully before you act

mitch

[Karren H]

Well, It aint easy for sure.... Every time I step out in public I get this "I'm a guy in a dress" thingy in the back of my head.... that gets louder and louder until the first time no one points at me and laughs.... Then it gets quieter for a while.... But that never has stopped me for trying all kinds of stuff... Brave or stupid, I haven't figured out which one yet, more like some of each.... But fun it is.... Believe it or not!!! Doesn't matter to me either way..... hehe

Love Karren

[Jammie Lyann]

I'm not sure that anyone of the stories are false, maybe over streched by some, because they are excited about what they just experianced, however I can tell you I have been out 3 or 4 times in day light an at night an it is still never racking, my latest venture out was back in Nov, to a aid foundaiton event put on by a bunch of devas, was lots of fun but even there I felt like I was being watched
I hate this pic but just so you know I was really there my wife was there with me an I think she had a better time than I did
Ivey

[Melanie R]

For over 27 years I have been out enfemme frequently with my wife at my side. Even today I get a lump in my throat when I step into the public's eyes. I try to dress for the time and place and look everyone in the eye. Do I pass?Who knows and for that matter that is not why I go out dressed in public. I am being who I am - a woman who also enjoys spending some time as a man. Now that man is the one who is crossdressing.

[Rebecca Petersen]

I started writing a response and realized that Stephenie had already written exactly what I have been thinking for many years. I agree with you Emma, but I congratulate you Stephenie for putting things in proper prospective.
Great thread.
Rebecca

Dear Emma,

As you may have been able to surmise from the reactions to your post, there are those who agree with you and those who don't.

The fact is, it is "the easiest thing in the world to go shopping (or elsewhere) en femme". The fear and guilt most of us have is only in our heads. The fact is that 99% of the people in this world are far too wrapped up in their own troubles to give much of a damn about what you look like and how you want to present to the world. We manufacture all this turmoil ourselves. We are afraid! Imagine that. Afraid! Big strong men! Afraid of an underwear department in a department store! Afaid of a total stranger in the car next to us at a stop light. Afraid! It's ALL in your head.

Are people going to look? Yup! Do they care? Nope! To them you are a nothing. If anything at all you will rate a remark at the dinner table that night. You would get the same attention if you went shopping in a clown suit or a cowboy outfit. A passing glance, a roll of the eyes, and then on to the next problem.

Here is where the concept of appropriateness come in. If your dress is APPROPRIATE for your suroundings, again, 99% of the people will not even see you. This is why we say go to the mall, see what other women are wearing, and wear the SAME thing. Mostly that's jeans and a top. So if "going out" for you means dressing as for a formal dinner party, in stckings, heels, girdle, full makeup, fancy hairdo, you are going to stick out like a sore thumb at the mall. To dress like that, you need to go somewhere (like a formal dinner party) where all the other women are dressed the same way. If you are dressed appropriately, even when you are "clocked" the reaction will be much more positive than if you try to wear fishnets and 6" heels to the Outlet Barn. People don't like hookers of either sex, so if you want to dress ****ty, stay away from women and children.

And this leads us to the next consideration. That of the real danger which is out there. Is there danger? Yes there is, and it is real. So what is it? It's when you try to trick someone, another man, into thinking you are a woman. Men, in our present society, are incredibly homophobic, and capable if incredible violence, especially if they think they have been forced into a homosexual encounter. Almost all the instances of violence against TG and CD people have occured when men have thought their "honor" has been compromised by a homosexual encounter (when they have been "tricked" into a sexual encounter) with a "woman" who turns out to be a man. Don't do it! Unless you are 100% woman, FFS, SRS, the whole nine yards, DON'T try to fool another man into a sexual encounter. If it backfires, the potential for a violent reaction is huge. This is the danger. This is the real danger. Will this happen at the mall?, the bank?, the post office?, on the way to your therapist apointment? No. It won't. Because most people just don't give a tinkers dam about what you wear or what you look like, really. The danger comes from a mixture of CDing, alcohol, sex, and young men.

If you want to go shopping, to the bank, to the post office, to the gas station, go ahead. It is easy. The barriers are only in your head. I have not touched upon the reaction of your spouse or GF. I will leave that problem up to you. But the problem of how to deal with the whole wide world out there? That's a real non-issue. ALL here who have gotten up the gumption to just DO it have reported it's no big deal. And it isn't. Really!

Lovies,
Stephenie

[silkie h]

As I said once before on this forum, I only once went out enfemme. The stress levels were too high for me to do it again, as indeed, were the efforts to get it right, because I never would have attempted it if my Sister ( who accompanied me ) was not happy that I would get away with it.

I believe it is prudent to get the assistance of a friend or SO, who you know will be totally honest with you, when you are planning for an outing en femme for the first time at least.

The buzz from doing it though & getting away with it, was incredible.

[Lisa Golightly]

Well you either fall into the Dana Scully or Fox Mulder camp... As for myself... 'I want to believe'

[Dixie]

[SIZE="3"]Some people just can't, it's not in their nature. Oh that sounded mean, not how I meant it at all. I mean we are all products of our experiences in life it shapes our attitudes in life.[/SIZE]

[Kristen Kelly]

Emma, I understand and appreciate your apprehension of some of the stories found here (and elsewhere). One thing to bear in mind, however... some of us have been doing this for a number of years now. It's not that we necessarily "pass" or have no issues; it's mostly that we have delve loped an attitude of confidence in who we are and a comfort level being out and about. I, myself, hold no fantasy that I pass as a female (have a look at my avatar). I am, however, confident in my gender presentation. This is not something that happened quickly, nor easily. It has taken time. In the end, it's mostly being comfortable with yourself. Somehow that translates to those around you. And, as some others have mentioned, being careful and thoughtful as to the venues we choose to go out in (based on experience) helps produce positive results as well. I'm sixty years old. If I don't do these things now, I may never get the chance. Some of the saddest words ever uttered are, "I wish I had..."

[SIZE="3"]Holly you could not have said it better, confidence and doing this enough times has made me feel I can go anywhere and that I do belong there. Those that have meet me in person know who I protray here is who they have meet. I do not pass 100 percent of the time, but that don't stop me from going out in daytime as well as night, just treat me as you would a woman that's all I ask of the public.[/SIZE]

[Jodi]

Hi all,

Please forgive me if this irritates or upsets anyone or casts doubts on the veracity of posts here - it is not my intention to do that.

There are many stories of going out and having 'adventures' en femme on this site but I find that I am somewhat sceptical (maybe that's because I'm a cynic anyway ) that these sorties are as 'easy' as they seem. I find it easy to relate to the 'dashed to the car wearing ... and couldn't get back quick enough' type of scenario and the 'went round the block at 3 in the morning' because I have been there as well and I understand it.

I do have something more of a problem with those accounts, particularly by part-time cross-dressers rather than those full-time/tranisitioning transgenders, which make it sound as though it is the easiest thing in the world to go shopping (or elsewhere) en femme and there is never a problem. This is for 2 reasons. First the account doesn't usually cover the mental and emotional turmoil that going out causes and how to cope with it. Secondly, IF it is untrue, it could cause someone less experienced and less ready to go for a risky trip out. Now I'm not saying that anyone has ever posted an untrue account (how would I know after all) but I am worried that it can at times seem too easy and one day could get someone into deep sh... trouble. Of course I have absolutely no idea what we can do about it other than use our own judgement about whether something is risky or not.

I hope that makes sense and doesn't rattle anyone's cage too much.

Em

Em, I can assure you that every adventure that I have posted about has occurred as I stated. That includes two New Years Eve's at a large straight party, a week en femme at a lake resort, and many times dining out in upscale restaurants. I have posted about attending the Erie Gala, and going out and about to straight venues.

You mentioned mental and emotional turmoil. Maybe there is that turmoil for you. I do not have that turmoil when I go out. I just do it.

I do not care to frequently go to Tranny venues. I like to go out among the regular population and do regular things. And--NO, I have never had a problem. Have I been read? Yes. Have I been snickered at occasionally? Yes. Was it the end of the world? No.

Please do not project your own fears on the rest of us.

Jodi

[kathy gg]

Hi Em,
I saw your post and I had to comment. My husband does not post to this site, nor does he read it much for that matter..he works full time and is very busy.

I usually wind up sharing any *adventures* we have. But thankfully we have also been fortunate enough to meet other members of this forum and I would like to think we are {enough} well known in our local cd community in Toronto that anyone thinking that we are not for real can easily be proven wrong.

All that said....back when we used to update our {sad little} website every now and again people would email asking "why does it sound like every time you go out it is the most normal natural thing and is seems you dont' have bad experiences?" I figure either the person thinks we made up these tales...or just thinks every time one goes out the house crossdressed that people are glaring and staring and the world is falling apart around us...

The reality is my sweetie does get *read*...but since he has been going out since 1996 at this point it is not that big a deal any more if someone does a double take. We also have luck on our side as we live close enough to a major urban area that it is fairly easy to go out and never run into someone from your regular male life. As for angst and being scared or worried or nervous...I think most our outings are so well planned and we know the areas we are going well enough that the *fear factor* is removed mostly. And the other thing I suppose my husband has going for him is he has literally never been out dressed without me since we got married in 1999.

I do think there is a time and place for everything though. And sadly alot of people will not be able to use common sense or have such a case of pink fog that they disregard that maybe they are not dressed apporpriatly or are sending negative signals to the world at large that they are nervous and hence they have the *bad outings* where they get bad reactions at every turn and then run to their car.

I think if one plans appropriately for an outing {going to nicer places, dresses to fit in the situation {ie...mall shopping = casual low heels...fetish night = pvc and spikes!}, holds their head up and acts like they have every right to be there, has a good quality wig and decent make up skills...almost any person can go out to a large city and have a really good day.

[Kelsy]

Emma, I understand and appreciate your apprehension of some of the stories found here (and elsewhere). One thing to bear in mind, however... some of us have been doing this for a number of years now. It's not that we necessarily "pass" or have no issues; it's mostly that we have delve loped an attitude of confidence in who we are and a comfort level being out and about. I, myself, hold no fantasy that I pass as a female (have a look at my avatar). I am, however, confident in my gender presentation. This is not something that happened quickly, nor easily. It has taken time. In the end, it's mostly being comfortable with yourself. Somehow that translates to those around you. And, as some others have mentioned, being careful and thoughtful as to the venues we choose to go out in (based on experience) helps produce positive results as well. I'm sixty years old. If I don't do these things now, I may never get the chance. Some of the saddest words ever uttered are, "I wish I had..."

[SIZE="3"]I agree with Holly going out and presenting as a female takes courage but a confident attitude is what makes it easier. Having gurl friends to go out with Is preferable. There is safety in numbers. Some stories may infact be embelished. But some real experiences are hard to believe. For example Three of us were atttending an event at DLV and we were going out to studio 54 in Vegas at the MGM. Unannounced to us was the fact that there was a cosmetic convention going on at the hotel and at the same moment that we had arrived the attendees of the covention were letting out of a seminar, well,
There were 16,000 women in attendence and we got sweep up in the corridors with all of them> Three Tgirls and 16,000 ggs - Fun -


Jennifer [/SIZE]

[TxKimberly]

Had to laugh when I read your post because I've made a whole string of them lately myself and I wonder if I might be one of the folks your thinking about.
I lived way to hell and gone out in the sticks when I was a kid and used to walk down our two mile long dirt driveway/road when I was home alone.

When I was older and out on my own, I used to go to the hotel room door and stare out the peep hole. When the hallway was empty i would open the door. Sometimes I had the guts to step two or three feet out the door. Several times I ran BACK to the door when I thought someone was coming. Sometimes I wanted to go out that door so bad, but I was so afraid, I would walk to the door, put my hand on the know, and then turn around and sit back down. There were times I did this 6 or 7 times in a night, never quite getting the guts up to actually leave the room.

I remember the first time I went outside as an adult dressed. It WAS at three and four AM on a deserted street. Probably lucky I didn't get picked up for hooking or something.

This all happened over many years - not all at once. Every single time you go out the door it gets easier.
Today? I STILL feel nerves and there are STILL days I open the door and close it when I hear someone in the hall. It's part habit, and part the fact that I still get nerves. If you read my post on the Smithsonian, what you didn't find there (because I didn't write it) is that my first 10 minutes I walked in circles because of my nerves. I was there, my eyes were open, but I didn't see squat because my brain was frozen. Eventualy I calmed down and enjoyed my visit.
I'm sure some of the other girls do the same things, but do we post it? Nope, I think most of us don't write the stuff that doesn't make us look like the hero. I do post some of the embarassing stuff - I figure if I can't laugh at myself, it's all over, but not all the little details. Things like "I was scared when I opened the door", or "I almost jumped out of my skin when the elevator door opened and there was someone already in it".

Kim

[Priscilla Ann]

I would say that one should be skeptical of anything that one finds on the internet.

[Joni Beauman]

I agree with Micheletv. When the topic comes up regarding going out, I also support honest participation. To think these accounts - and I have not seen anything particularly outlandish here - are fabrications suggest you may have an ensularized perspective, Emma. When careful and selective, alert to what is safe and not safe, outings can be a fulfilling, albeit slightly risky, experience. It is that threshold of tolerable risk that varies among people. Joni

[Rachel Morley]

I agree with kathyGG, Rebecca, Stephanie S, Holly, Erica etc. It's actually not as difficult as you might think once you get past the point where you don't care. If, like me, you are/were scared that people would know then there's a problem because your fear translates into getting read more. Nowadays, I'm ok with people knowing I'd just rather that they didn't make it obvious that they know by calling me sir or some such thing. Fortunately, being called sir when en femme has only happened to me once. In other words, I'd like to stay in the fantasy if possible. Most of the time (from GGs) I get smiles, which I can't really tell if they are "knowing smiles" or just that people are being friendly. With guys, nothing really happens they look at me once or twice and that's it (usually). Perhaps they're thinking, "ugh .... no thanks"

[megan163]

Em, I understand how you might question the stories, but for me personally I can say it has been a progression to get to the point of going out without getting so worked up about it. I started out with the late night drive-and-dash scenarios but have steadily built up courage to go out and move about freely at malls and in day time. Over time came to realize that even if anyone does read you, it doesn't matter. Well, at least if it's not someone who knows you anyway. But still, it still is scary at times.

[kerrianna]

I'm not sure that anyone of the stories are false, maybe over streched by some, because they are excited about what they just experianced, however I can tell you I have been out 3 or 4 times in day light an at night an it is still never racking, my latest venture out was back in Nov, to a aid foundaiton event put on by a bunch of devas, was lots of fun but even there I felt like I was being watched
I hate this pic but just so you know I was really there my wife was there with me an I think she had a better time than I did
Ivey

No wonder you felt like you were being watched Ivey. You looked gorgeous!

I love that pic...

[katia]

Hi Emma
I agree with you,i have been out a couple of times but it was always driving just as it got dark,i drove for a while stopped to get some cash at a cash point in a very quite town.
As i drove out of that town i stoped at a junction and a car pulled up beside me and the man was looking back at me and i thought sh*t but he never gave me any abuse so i must had passed,but i kept looking in my mirror as i drove away
I have also got out at a quite car park to stand watching the river and to recycle some clothes in the recycling bank but thats as far as my outings have gone.
There have been a few people about when i have done the above but always a distance away and to be honest the buzz i got from that is enouth for me ( at the moment )
I don't think for a second that i will ever be bold enouth to go out shopping dressed ( I do shop as a man for womens clothes ),but i think the main reason for that is i think that even when plastered with make up i think i still look like a man and would be noticed straight away and to be stuck in a shop and stared at is not my ideal of fun.

[Sally2005]

I believe most of the adventures to be true. How can you make this stuff up? It is not easy to build up the courage to do it, but once you do it really is easy. Most times there is a nervousness, but if you can overcome that, then it is really is a joyfull experience. Passing 100%, maybe in our own minds, but having 100% no negative feedback, that's true. A lot is having a positive attitude. I feel a lot less stress after actually going out than thinking about life passing me by and me having done nothing except worry about what would happen. You have to try it to really understand and with experience I think you can spot the 'fake' stories.

[Kate Simmons]

As you can see from a lot of the postings, there is a lot of trial and error involved and sometimes it takes us years to get to the point where we are comfortable going out whether we really "pass" or not. It's the confidence and comfort level that makes all the difference. When I'm reading the various experiences of other members, the thing that mostly runs through my mind is kind of a sharing of what they were going through and what I would maybe do if I was in that particular situation. This is a way we learn together.

[Joanne f]

I was not going to reply to this thread for a very good reason, "no one likes a baddy" but i feel like i have to now.
Yes it might be easy to go out but in some case`s it can have a bigger effect on your life than you think, i have lived through the hell it can cause i thought it would be fine may be get a bit of flack, but i was unprepared for what was to happen, not just to me but to my family also ,i have been attacked had constant verbal abuse my kids have been bullied at school and my house has been attacked , i am very clad that i seem to be the only one who has suffered in this way and i am not trying to put anyone off going out , i think it depends a great deal on where you live , but i only done this to remind you that it is not always going to be easy, i am sorry i had to write this ,

[Jennifer_G]

I was not going to reply to this thread for a very good reason, "no one likes a baddy" but i feel like i have to now.
Yes it might be easy to go out but in some case`s it can have a bigger effect on your life than you think, i have lived through the hell it can cause i thought it would be fine may be get a bit of flack, but i was unprepared for what was to happen, not just to me but to my family also ,i have been attacked had constant verbal abuse my kids have been bullied at school and my house has been attacked , i am very clad that i seem to be the only one who has suffered in this way and i am not trying to put anyone off going out , i think it depends a great deal on where you live , but i only done this to remind you that it is not always going to be easy, i am sorry i had to write this ,

Hi Joanna

I for one am glad you wrote this. It brings some balance to this thread of what can go wrong.
I think before you go out be aware of what can go wrong and use common sense and plan ahead.
I stupidly for instance got clocked by a neighbour about a month ago all because I didn't check the street before getting into my car. I assumed that it was 2am that no one was about. I was wrong my neighbour was unloading some boxes from the back of his car.

Just think a little and plan ahead. It could save you a lot of grief in the long run.

Jennifer

[MsJanessa]

Hi Emma---you know the first few times I went out, even though it was a TG friendly venue, I felt like you did---run to the car, hoped nobody would "read" me at stoplights or walking into the club then hoping the key to my hotel room would work on the way back---but after years of doing this it has become old hat---the denoument occurred a few years ago when I was wearing the same outfit you see in My avatar--tight black leather minidress, thigh high boots and shoulder length black leather gloves---returning to My hotel room with another person----couldn't find My key---had to go to the front office about 11 pm and talk to the two night clerks to get another one---and you know what---no problem---most people, particularly aduts, are tolerant, or at least polite---they normally don't stare---not more than a few seconds anyway, don't laugh , don't point etc----granted going to the local shopping mall is probably a little more stressfull than a gay night club but if you dress appropriatly, wear conservative hair and makeup and don't misbehave genrally nobody will say or do anything to embarass you. As somebody mentioned above the key to "passing" is not really caring whether you do or not--once you reach that level of self confidence, the rest is easy. I do believe that some of the Girls here might not be strictly truthful in some of thier posts, but by the same token I feel that most of the going outside stories are probably fairly accurate.