Should cd'ing be placed above a relationship with your spouse or girlfriend? That's just the impression I get from reading some of these posts. Is it worth losing a loved one over your cd desires? Something to ponder...
Should cd'ing be placed above a relationship with your spouse or girlfriend? That's just the impression I get from reading some of these posts. Is it worth losing a loved one over your cd desires? Something to ponder...
No you shouldn't put your cd'ing before your spouse. Those that do that are just selfish, spiteful and probably not worth being in a relationship with...
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Missing my Libra babe Sherlyn, I hope she's rocking up there with the angels
Missing our Rianna, doesn't seem right, gone to early, hope she's partying with Sherlyn
No, dressing is definitely not something that should interfere with a relationship. There are many more important things in life.
[SIZE="4"]Mary Jane[/SIZE]
May those that love us, love us. Those that don't love
us may God turn their hearts. And if he can't turn their
hearts, may he turn their ankles, so we'll know them by their limping.
Wow I agree with Tamara !!!!!!
You should not hide anything from your partner that is just not right.
If they dont know about your CDing then find out you have a double whammy and very possably a split on your hands
But how much is really a willing placement? It's not like building a hot rod in your garage- cding is an expression of something essential to your being. We can, and have for the most part, suppressed it to one extent or another for often a very long time. The more you push the harder it pushes back. Yet an accomodation with it is possible, but that so/wife needs to understand this isn't just a "hobby".
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
i have to agree with Tamara .... to a point .... see this is something that can't and won't just go away ..... compromises are needed as well as some sort of a outlet to allow the crossdresser to just be a crossdresser .... even in the closet .... my wife is not supportive and i put her a head of all else .... but i get my time in as well .... see ever just choosing your SO or your dressing won't work ....
Should coding be placed above a relationship with your spouse or girlfriend?
my answer is no if you want the relationship to last or work out.... a relationship with your SO can't be put next in line to anything else.....
Nothing to ponder at all...family always comes first. In the way you worded your question, you can say drugs, alcohol, or any other "vice" instead of Cross dressing. Though CDing is most likely encoded in our genes and something we are strongly compelled to do, there is almost always a way to compromise to maintain a healthy family relationship.Originally Posted by Cheyenne
Drumming, My other hobby
Here is a point I have not heard mentioned yet. I know that most of , iff we do not get our girly time, start to have side effects if you will. In my case I get grumpy, moody and my ocd and anxiety issues start to become a problem. So essentially if we don't do something about it there will be harm to the relationship from this side too. So in essence what we should be striving for is a balance between harming our relationships by not doing and harming them by doing.
Another one of those nutty Texas T-girls. Save a horse
drive a truck.
IMO, anyone who does this is a fool. Been there, done that. Nowadays, I dress by default as I have nothing else. I would gladly give it all up to get back the love of my life.
No, no and no. Yes there has to be a balance, hopefully a compromise. in my case, my cd, although disliked, is enhancing our relationship because it is freeing me to be the person i was intended to be. therefore, i can communicate, i am not being dishonest or selfish any more and i am not hiding part of my personality from her. As i am free of all the baggage that i have placed on myself and society has placed on me then i can love my beautiful wife as she deserves
mitch
Never if you love someone you will find a way to deal with derssing isssues
Why would you hurt the one you love
Thanks again for your input on this matter. I have read many posts throughout this forum and it just seems many SO's are turned off and disgusted and sometimes even leave you. From the sounds of things it seems many will dress no matter what your SO thinks or says and that is damaging to a relationship and ultimately could end it.
Family first..... everything else is secondary...
Karren
I am getting lazy in my old age, so I will recycle my answer from a year ago to a similar question (basically, what would you do if your wife said "quit crossdressing or it's over"?)
From 3/13/06 (and nothing has changed since then):
I'd have to be quite certain that:
1. She truly understood what she was asking me to give up. That means after professional counseling, support, etc.
2. She honestly could not reconcile herself to living with me while I actively continued to crossdress.
In that case, I have no doubt I would quit dressing -- at least until my children are grown. I might revisit at that point, because separation/divorce would at least not affect my kids so profoundly.
I should stress that my female identity is not as integral to my nature as it evidently is for many of the other girls in this group. So in essence I would be giving up less than many. I totally agree with the general consensus advanced here: if being en femme is an inescapable and essential part of who you are, then your best bet is to acknowledge that quickly to your SO and make clear that it is not an a-la-carte option for your life.
Love,
Erica
PS: mercifully this is a theoretical question as my wife does know....
For photos on flickr, my user name is cd_erica_f
yup if you want to be on your own ...... not if you value your relationship, nothing be it cding, football, golf, shopping, going to the gym/fitness club, or any hobby by either of a partnership should ever come before your relationship ......... just my 0.02
I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me
I'm going to put on my asbestos panties before posting this....
Yes, to put CD-ing above your family would be selfish if it were simply another pleasant pastime that was comparable with golf or fishing, which seems to be the understanding of some in this thread.
However that is not so for all of us, as evidenced by the high suicide rates among certain groups of TG people. CD is not necessarily just another hobby for some of us. It is part of who we are and to deny it can lead to a shortened life of stress related illnesses and worse. If a choice has to be made between keeping the family happy versus personal survival then to seek the latter is far from being spiteful and selfish...in my opinion.
Karen - are you seriously saying that if your wife gave you an ultimatum and told you to stop all CDing, you would just give it up, forever and never look back???
DanaJ
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
family first but i also have a very supportive wife and i think /no that helps a lot
susie
I realise that a lot of people have the view that a relationship is worth any sacrifice... but in my view that just can't be right.
Thinking that way can get you into a situation where you lose your self, your identity, your freedom.. everything that makes you you so that the other person in the relationship can be happy. Can you really love another if you are willing to become a shell, a parody of who you are inside?
Isn't it a more noble love to be honest? Isn't it a more noble love to see to your own needs as well as those of your partners? Isn't it a more noble love to say 'I will compromise to a fair point but not so far that my needs are not also met?'
What good would a relationship be if in the process of sacrificing this part of yourself you turn yourself slowly bitter with time and the relationship becomes stale and hollow? A mockery of what it might have been?
It isn't, nor will it, nor could it ever be about choosing the crossdressing over the relationship.
If one person should be willing to sacrifice everything for the relationship by shedding an important part of themselves then there partner should just as much be willing to sacrifice their problems with it to love their partner for who they are inside rather than just a facet. Isn't it wrong in a relationship, a bad faith, a corruption of the very principles behind the relationship to demand that a person change in this regard or to make them choose between their free expression as human beings on one hand and their most dear and profound relationship on the other?
Beyond that isn't it a betrayel of those ideals to make such a choice? It's not about selfishness and it absolutely is not putting CDing above the relationship. It's about putting your own needs up as an equal and fair priority inside the relationship or inside your life aside from the relationship. The relationship does not exist seperatly from the crossdressing even if the crossdressing occurs outside the confines of the relationship because the crossdresser is in the relationship.
Therefore even if hidden or apart the crossdressing is a part of the relationship.
I think its a matter of integrity and more besides. Why aren't we asking the question equaly the other way.. for those who don't find out till after they are married is the other half of the question 'should your expectations of how your husband would or should appear and behave be worth more than the relationship?'
I used to think that this part of me wasn't that important. I was upfront about it in my relationship though it was a fairly infrequent thing. When the need came back she had a problem with it and I tried to give up.. only it's not giving up.. its more like binding down, locking up or even trying to gouge out a part of yourself and it was not right. What has come before the relationship has been her need to remove this part of me.
Even if it had just been a hobby, if it is filling up so much of someones life that there is no room for the relationship then surely it would have to be restrained but that wouldn't be reasonable to ask to quit.
For example If someone were to ask their partner 'please spend less time on the football, golf gym etc to spend more time with me' that would be fair and reasonable. If they were to say 'quit the football, golf, gym etc or it will be the end of the relationship' I think that says they are putting their wants before the relationship!
[SIZE="3"]NO, but that is easy for me to say as I've never had to make the choice.[/SIZE]
[SIZE="2"]"Tell me why I can't where a mini 'kilt' to work?"[/SIZE][SIZE="3"][/SIZE]
A lot must depend on how we feel ouselves about CDing. I found, over my life time, that I could not "give it up", when I was concerned about my SO's imaginary disaproval. When I finally told, the disaproval wasn't there. Duh!
But what about those whose SO really don't aprove? Some SOs actually DO say, "Give it up, or get out!" I think that maybe those people are not worth staying with. I mean, if you wanted to build a hotrod in the garage, and she was against it, couldn't you find a compromise? Build the hotrod somewhere else? Build it with a time limit? Some kind of compromise? Karren's wife disaproves. Karren CDs elsewhere. She keeps her wife OUT of her CDing life. Others here have similar strategies. I know, for instance, that my wife smokes. I absolutely HATE it. But I compromise. She doesn't smoke in the house, or car, or anywhere around me. And I absolutely refrain from making any pointed comments ever about how she smells when we kiss. That's a compromise. She does not really aprove of my gender confusion. She would rather it all just went away. I try really hard not to "rub her face in it". I always try to dress and act in a way that does not embarrass her. We compromise because we love each other.
If she, or I, were to lay down the law about each other's behavior, I am not sure how well our marriage would work. Two people living together is always a compromise. Any time it becomes "my way or the highway", you have trouble brewing.
Lovies,
Stephenie
And to all you sweet, sweet, ladies who respond so nicely to my posts, my name is spelled with an "e", Stephenie.
Love
I would say family/love first.....but adding...that this is part of what someone is....it is part of who they are.........and neither party...has the right to say someone has no rights to express themselves....it should not be selfishness on either party...............for couples that do not see eye to eye on it.........there can be compromises...even if...ok...you can dress when I am not here.or whatever else a couple can work out. I do hate when there is a breakup when one party or both dig their heels and and will not even try to see the others pain and needs and that is on both sides.
Adding the best thing...would be to have it up front in the first place......and then this would not be an issue.
Last edited by Di; 05-12-2007 at 10:59 AM.
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Sherlyn,My beautiful sweet girl
You forever and always will be my one and only true love . ❤️
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here's what I think. It's a Catch 22, sort of
First of all, I agree that if you love her that much then she should be before anything else. However, if she loves you just as much, she will not ask you to give it up completely. Maybe just around her. One thing she doesn't understand is that for most of us, dressing is not really a choice, but instead, a simbiotic relationship with our inner self. If that part of you is forced to go away, then you will be incomplete. This can actually lead to anxiety, anger, and depression. Then again, it may not.
Last edited by Katelyn; 05-12-2007 at 11:02 AM.
It's just as selfish to demand that a CDer stop because you don't like it.
Speaking for myself and only for myself, nothing is more important than my spouse. I am greatful that my cding is not a problem, but, at leaste for me, my spouse comes first. I always have to remember that, even when my desires are overwhelming.
Hugs
Lovely Rita
The journey is about learning how to love and to do it with all our heart.
The Revolution moves forward!!!!!
aspiring to be "part of the cure and not the disease."
to quote Cold Play.
Becoming the person I was created to be
not the person you expect me to be
"Girls Just Want to Have FUN!"
You don't need an excuse to Love just an opportunity!
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