Running out of time

[TxKimberly]

OK,

Those of you that have been burdened with my posts over the years have probably noticed a few themes that keep creeping in. Among them, the wish that I had had the confidence when I was younger to do the things I do these days. Some of this post is focused on cross dressing, and some is just life in general - things we ALL may have in common, CD's, GG's, "normal" folks. As I am sure is true with everyone, I have had several pivotal moments in my life - epiphanies if you will:
- The moment I realized that some of my suicidal tendencies had the very real potential to hurt others, not just myself.
- The day I approached as close to wisdom as I will ever get by realizing that I was stupid as a rock.

These days a new thought just keeps reverberating in my head, over and over, and I can't shake it. I am afraid that I am running out of time! There will be a few that are older than I am and will giggle at this, but for me it is a very real terror. I look in the mirror, and I see a bald man who is getting old. In the last few years I have from time to time seen my father looking back at me from the mirror and this sends shivers up and down my back and makes me literally sick to my stomach.
No hair on the top of my head, wrinkles every where, hair growing on my ears and out of my nose (YUCK!!) and I think "OMG, soon I will be far to ugly to cross dress!"
When I have dressed in the past, it has often been a wonderful thing for me. For just a moment I am not ugly, I am not plain, and am not . . . I don't know, not a worm. For just a few minutes, I am beautiful, I am pretty, I am a butterfly.
Lately I have to cake the makeup on quite heavy to hide the beard. Sometimes this highlights the wrinkles, and in some ways emphasizes my age. What am I going to do when even dressed I hate my appearance? What am I going to do when I look in the mirror and don't see a reasonably pretty woman looking back but see only an old drag queen?
I feel desperation and it's growing almost intolerable. My birthdays seem to come so fast, tick tock tick tock, and every one is no longer a celebration because all I can think about is that there is one year of my quota, my allowance, my allotted span.
I know this is not entirely coherent, but hey, feelings rarely are.
Maybe this is just vanity on my part, and I should be ashamed of myself.
Maybe this is normal, something everyone goes through.
I don't know.
I just can't bear the thought that all of the exciting and momentous times of my life may be in my past, done, gone. That soon I will have to resign myself to no longer cross dressing because I can't stand to see what I am becoming.
Maybe I should just back away from the keyboard . . . :-)

Kim

[Stephenie S]

Dear Kim,

Yes this is normal, and yes this is reality. The older we get, the faster time goes by. An hour goes by now in the blink of a eye, but I can remember an hour taking what seemed like a year when I was in high school Latin class. Enjoy your life while you can because it's over before it even begins.

This is SUCH an important concept for all of us. Please, please, don't put life off till tomorrow. Live, live, live, now!

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Eva Diva]

Kim

Doesn't (most) every woman think the same thing.


And now that you think of it, don't most men, too? I was driving in my car years ago, when someone on the radio said "You know you're getting old when you notice that you have your father's hands". I looked down, and for the first time, saw tiny lines cross-hatching the backs of my hands. The skin was dry and shiny - and old looking. Holy sht!!!!

Is it an accident that so many of us dress in an "inappropriately young" style when crossdressing? Aren't young women more feminine than their mothers? And can we be blamed for modeling ouselves on the femme-ist of the females? Some posters here express contentment with dressing in an age-appropriate style, bless them, but I have to admit that I'm not one of them. And yes, I have to deal with nose hairs, ear hairs, and body issues I absolutely refuse to discuss in a public forum. Let's just say that after 30, it's all downhill - or it was for me anyway.

It sounds like you have a case of the existential flu. Crossdressing doesn't cause it, but getting older does. There's no cure, but a smile is the best treatment. We're all in this together, so you'll have plenty of company as you go. Every hot chick ends up as that lady in the supermarket line who just has to pay with change and takes forever to get it out. It's just the price you pay for being hot in the first place. You, my dear, are still hot, so enjoy it while you can.

[Gnome Queen Sam]

we all look at our selfs and see things we do not like. (fat, bold, hairy, to thin) remember it is the inside that makes us the very important people we are. look into your eyes and remember that you are great and being old is a gift.

[marie354]

I've got a few wrinkles too, but I try not to let it bother me too much. Women are supposed to age gracefully.
We all looked pretty good when we were in our 20's, and I sure some, if not all, passed fairly well then.
Wrinkles add character to a person. Makes you look wiser too. So I wouldn't worry too much about it. You ain't dead yet sweetie, and judging by your avatar, you're young and have a lot of years left.
Don't worry, be happy.

[Nicole]

Every day, Kim. Every damn day I feel it. The more I think about it, the more I realize how powerless I am to stop it. Everyone's advice jibes with my gut feelings... enjoy, enjoy, enjoy every minute while you can.

So, is it time to go dancing, or what?

[Rita B]

OK,

Those of you that have been burdened with my posts over the years have probably noticed a few themes that keep creeping in. Among them, the wish that I had had the confidence when I was younger to do the things I do these days. Some of this post is focused on cross dressing, and some is just life in general - things we ALL may have in common, CD's, GG's, "normal" folks. As I am sure is true with everyone, I have had several pivotal moments in my life - epiphanies if you will:
- The moment I realized that some of my suicidal tendencies had the very real potential to hurt others, not just myself.
- The day I approached as close to wisdom as I will ever get by realizing that I was stupid as a rock.

These days a new thought just keeps reverberating in my head, over and over, and I can't shake it. I am afraid that I am running out of time! There will be a few that are older than I am and will giggle at this, but for me it is a very real terror. I look in the mirror, and I see a bald man who is getting old. In the last few years I have from time to time seen my father looking back at me from the mirror and this sends shivers up and down my back and makes me literally sick to my stomach.
No hair on the top of my head, wrinkles every where, hair growing on my ears and out of my nose (YUCK!!) and I think "OMG, soon I will be far to ugly to cross dress!"
When I have dressed in the past, it has often been a wonderful thing for me. For just a moment I am not ugly, I am not plain, and am not . . . I don't know, not a worm. For just a few minutes, I am beautiful, I am pretty, I am a butterfly.
Lately I have to cake the makeup on quite heavy to hide the beard. Sometimes this highlights the wrinkles, and in some ways emphasizes my age. What am I going to do when even dressed I hate my appearance? What am I going to do when I look in the mirror and don't see a reasonably pretty woman looking back but see only an old drag queen?
I feel desperation and it's growing almost intolerable. My birthdays seem to come so fast, tick tock tick tock, and every one is no longer a celebration because all I can think about is that there is one year of my quota, my allowance, my allotted span.
I know this is not entirely coherent, but hey, feelings rarely are.
Maybe this is just vanity on my part, and I should be ashamed of myself.
Maybe this is normal, something everyone goes through.
I don't know.
I just can't bear the thought that all of the exciting and momentous times of my life may be in my past, done, gone. That soon I will have to resign myself to no longer cross dressing because I can't stand to see what I am becoming.
Maybe I should just back away from the keyboard . . . :-)

Kim

Dear Kim, I have been known to get very emotional at times. It is almost like you are writing my bio. I became so distressed when I was in my early forties that I did actually attempt a suicide. I guess it was not time because 50 Valium and a bottle of scotch could not do the job. Consequently. I spent some time in a mh hospital. ( I can not believe that I am disclosing all this) I am not going to tell you my age or the many major surgeries that I have undergone ( I will tell you in a private message if you are interested). I just posted some photos. I do not like them because I think that I can do better. It was late and I was tired when I felt that I had to get some photos together. I am vain and would like to have a makeover and a professional photo shoot someday. I guess that's what I am trying to say.As we get a little older we have to adapt a little. Look at tv and see all the beautiful and gorgeous women in their seventies and still working. This is not our grannies world. it's a brand new world and it does not discriminate on the older people so much. Heck, I am applying for a part time job this week, and you know what, I'm sure that I will get the job I want . So, I wash my face with Oil of Olay wipes every night and put on some anti wrinkle cream and whitening strips on my teeth. So what. I don't have any wrinkles. Just some bags under my age that I would like to get rid of plus about 30 pounds of stomack weight.. . and tomorrow I am on the training bike. Hey, the best is yet to come. Drop me a note

Much affection


Rita

[Sasha IN]

I know exactly where you're coming from. What finally snapped me out of it was the realization that I was wasting the present with my worries about the future.

Carpe diem! (Having never had Latin I have to take other people's word that it means "seize the day". For the longest time I thought it meant "god's a fish".)

[Alice B]

Kimberly,

I understand your frustration. but believe me it is nothing to worry about. We all grow nose & ear hair, bald some or a lot had have trouble keeping our figure. But I have often said and truly believe that getting old is a state of mind. Don't dwell on it and enjoy all life has to offer, good and bad. As for being dead. It's not what it's cracked up to be. I've been there twice and have had a couple of other occasions that I came very close. I look at your post and pictures all the time and say to myself, I wish I could look that good. What I am begining to learn, although new to cross dressing, is that I must adjust my selection in clothing to better fit a reasonable representation of my age and yet try to be beautiful. So, keep up the good work and advise you give and love yourself for who you are.

Alice B

[AllieSF]

Kim,

Welcome to the club. I checked your profile and you were so kind to post your age. Well, I almost have 20 years on you and twenty years is about 50% of your current age, So as my ancient mind does the hard math, your can live half your current life to get where I am and your whole life to get to 80, a nice age to reach. You are only half way there! So, I have to say that you actually have a lot of positive things to look forward to live, experience and enjoy. You can make a decision today (OK tomorrow because today is getting late) that could change how you live thsoe remaining many years.

I get the same anxiety moments when I see all the tell tale signs of my true body age. However, I don't feel that old, refuse to act that old (to many people's chagrin), and actually don't look my age in either mode. Actually, dressing makes me look 20 years younger (of course that is in my humble opinion).

So, you will still get those down moments when the age thing gets bigger than it should. Then, have a drink and look at the brighter side and all those years that are left to do as much as and just what you want.

[Holly]

Kim, what is it they say? Any day on this side of the dirt is a good day. Why waste our today's mourning about what might have been yesterday... or what might be tomorrow. There is absolutely no reason worrying about how our life is going to conclude because there is not a one of us that is going to make it out of here alive. Birth-life-death; it is the inevitable progression of living. So what can we do? Well, yesterday is over and there is nothing we can do to change it. Tomorrow has yet to arrive. So that leaves us with today. Here and now is where we can make a difference. Here and now is what we have been given to work with. Stop looking at yourself in the mirror... it's not the best reflection of who you are. Instead, look at your heart; look at your spirit; look at your soul. Here is where the essence of you resides, not in your wrapping. The beautiful girl that you are does not live on your face, she lives within you. You pamper her with pretty clothes, jewelery, perfumes and lotions, makeup and that is exactly as it should be. And as we age, we simply learn to pamper ourselves in different ways (I never thought I would enjoy prune juice ). Be the best you that you can possibly be today. Do the same thing tomorrow.

At my age, I see more death than I used to. People I know, people I work with, people I grew up with, are dying. Very rarely are they remembered for how they looked; they are remembered for who they were and what they did and how they touched the lives of those around them. From where I sit Kim, you would be remembered with fondness.

[renee k]

Kim, what is it they say? Any day on this side of the dirt is a good day. Why waste our today's mourning about what might have been yesterday... or what might be tomorrow. There is absolutely no reason worrying about how our life is going to conclude because there is not a one of us that is going to make it out of here alive. Birth-life-death; it is the inevitable progression of living. So what can we do? Well, yesterday is over and there is nothing we can do to change it. Tomorrow has yet to arrive. So that leaves us with today. Here and now is where we can make a difference. Here and now is what we have been given to work with. Stop looking at yourself in the mirror... it's not the best reflection of who you are. Instead, look at your heart; look at your spirit; look at your soul. Here is where the essence of you resides, not in your wrapping. The beautiful girl that you are does not live on your face, she lives within you. You pamper her with pretty clothes, jewelery, perfumes and lotions, makeup and that is exactly as it should be. And as we age, we simply learn to pamper ourselves in different ways (I never thought I would enjoy prune juice ). Be the best you that you can possibly be today. Do the same thing tomorrow.

At my age, I see more death than I used to. People I know, people I work with, people I grew up with, are dying. Very rarely are they remembered for how they looked; they are remembered for who they were and what they did and how they touched the lives of those around them. From where I sit Kim, you would be remembered with fondness.

KIM,

Pay really close attention to Holly's post. Follow what's in your heart, and act the age you feel inside. Don't succumb to, the I'm getting old stuff.
I thought that when I turned forty, I would give this crossdressing thing up. But here I am fifty seven and its still full speed ahead and feeling like I did seventeen years ago. Sure you'll get some wrinkles along the way,but if you take of yourself. You'll minimise the aging process. And like others have pointed out, you'll age gracefully. It seems after one is out of school,the years just fly by. Your going to weddings when your young and funerals when old. That's just part of life. But what really counts is how your remembered by those that are close to you. And the things that you've done to make this world a better place to live in. So don't sweat the small stuff, and focus on what's best for you and those close to you.

Huggs,
Renee

[CDTiffany]

Hey You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the F&%#K!!!!

Your my inspiration! (major). Hey. Go get a make over, buy a new dress!!!
Just kidding (maybe not though)! I wish, I could come up with something, wonderful, like you do for me!!! I dont know, what brought, this thought on for you!!! But, you are Hot, Beautiful & Sexy!!!!!!!!! Kimberly, You ROCK!!!!
Maybe, the long weekend, Made you think, Way too much!!!

You bring up age. I will get old, you will get old, britney spears will get old (already is), And so will Brad pitt. I dont know what point I am trying to make,
Elizabeth Taylor, pulled it off, for ever!!!! 10 year old CD, 40 year old CD, 75 year old CD. CD FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!

Besides,I know, A little about you, Your doing fine!!!!!!!!

Chill Kimberly, Come out, and visit me, and my New Hollywood friends, any time you want!!

I wish you, Nothing but Happyness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your Friend, Tiff.

[Annette_boy]

Hi hon we are not immortal but I have found that 60 is the new 40 age is just a number so we take a little longer to makeup our faces and it is said that when a boy is dressed he looks much like his mother mine is still good looking and she is 82
so look forward and not back wigs cover much and cosmetics the rest so we stop being young women and become silver foxes
Love and hugs
Annette

PS I am 62 tnd the avatar is less than a year old
A

[Andi]

Kim, I have read many of your posts and I believe the real you is what's in your heart and not what's on the outside. Holly's right and offers great hope for all of us. I'm 62 and still feel like I'm 20 even though my body is starting to object. My point is our "beauty" comes from who we are not what we look like. On the plus side being a CDer will definitely help you look better at any age than you would in male mode at that age. I'm not gonna quit until they throw the dirt in on me.

[Kate Simmons]

I know Kim. I kind of babble about this stuff (mostly to myself) all the time but you know what? I've decided just to be the best possible person I can be every day. Sure time has the tendency to catch up with us and so does genetics. so what? What have we done today that is positive? That is what it is all about as far as I'm concerned. Doesn't matter if we look like a guy, girl or whatever in between. If we did something even to make a little bit of difference, that is the main thing. Maybe we said something to a loved one to make them feel better, maybe we did something in connection with work that we didn't think was a big deal but turned something totally around for someone else.
I remember when the group Wilson Phillips came out in the 80's. They did the song "Hold on" in their premier album. That song literally saved the lives of thousands of people who heard it that were contemplating suicide. Just a simple song really with a simple message but it made oh what a difference in the lives of so many people. We don't know the ripple effects of something we do but our dominant attitude can resound throughout the world and sometimes we don't even know it.
This is why every day I try to give it my best shot because it may just be that something I said or did even some little thing that changed someone's life for the better. If that is so, then I guess getting the wrinkles, losing my hair or even looking like my Dad was worth it whether I'm aware of it or not. My satisfaction is that this is who I am and this is what I do and that makes me happy.

[kerrianna]

You've had some really nice words in reply here Kimberly, so I'll just stop by and give you a hug cause I know what you're going through, and a pat on the head because we all go through this, male or female or inbetween , and lastly...a upside the head cuz you're still a BABY! and you got lots of living to do!

You look gorgeous BTW in all your pics.

Getting old sucks, but it is better than the alternative. Enjoy each day because there are no guarantees for any of us that we will get another one.

[uknowhoo]

Hiya Kim Sorry to hear you're doin the ol' self-doubt dance thingy, well, welcome to the human race. Reading your post, I was reminded of a Tri-Ess holiday party I attended two years ago. I was surprised to find that I was about the youngest gurl there (I was 41 at the time). I was more surprised though at how good many of the older ladies looked! Not Cosmo cover good, but like very passable, attractive, mature women. I think that men and women look more similar when quite young, then again when quite old. I think it might be the wrinkles. (I hope that rambling kinda sorta made sense ) It's funny, I was thinking about that just a coupla weeks ago, thinking "Damn, I wish I had gotten into make-up when I was younger and would've presented so much prettier. But at least I can look forward to being more passable (like those Tri Ess ladies) in fifteen or twenty years." lol And if all else fails, maybe instead of crossdressing we could take up yota dressing.

[Alice Torn]

Tx K, Wow! You took the words out of my mouth! I have been thinking the almost same things, lately. At 53, out of work, only a few odd jobs, can;t pay credit cards, balding, wiry unmanagable hair, what's left. No close girlfriend, not getting hired on jobs I used to get. I think about death, every day, often. My cats are 20 years old, dying soon. My mom is 85 with Alzheimers", and, I can't affored, to go see her, 2000 miles away. My dad is totally resentful, that he ever married, and had sons. And, one of my neo-nazi older brothers, is moving to my area, the last thing I need!!! My older twin brothers, have made my life hell, and still think they can manipulate, and run my life. You are right. Each day, the hourglass has less left for you, and all of us. The way this cruel world, is getting, I am not so sure I want to be around, much longer. I wonder, about getting ill, or hurt, and church people find my stash, in the closet, or my lanlady. It i die, it won't bother me, until, later on, after I am resurrected. Could be a lot of embarressment, then, but, I tell God about my plight, and struggles, ask for mercy, understanding. Whoever said it would be easy? I would like to talk to the person! I am a believer in God, and the Book, BUT, i don't believe in going to heaven, or a burning hell, when we die. I know, that the world, we live in is hell, where evil is, where Satan influences, and causes evil, and oppression, and misunderstandings, wars, etc. I know, that the dead, are simply resting in peace, resting from their hard service, and the evils done under the sun. The book of Ecclesiastes, by King Solomon, is a hellofa book, to read, about the big issues of life, a ton of wisdom, reality check. I feel almost exactly like you, ecxept, even though the society does not value the beauty of balding, aging men, I know God does not have shallow values, like society does. He looks on the heart, not the outward appearance. I often wish I was shorter, not so tall. I don't like when people envy my height. It puts tons of pressure on me, and I would have chosen, to bea bit shorter, not 6'6"!! It is hard to go out, cding, at my height. I stick out, like a lit up xmas tree! King Solomon had it all, including 1000 women, but, in the end, he said it was all meaningless, vanity, temporary. Everything physical is temporary- animals, cars, houses, food, our bodies. You brought up some ultimate issues. Everything, that has ever been on this earth, is temporary. Everything breaks down, even space shuttles, and all of us.

[Phyliss]

Bald, (almost), need bifocal glasses, teeth like stars, (they come out at night), wrinkles like Grand Canyon, joints that creak, liver spots on the back of my hands, "spare tire" around my middle that rivals The Michelin Man.
Yeah I know ALL TOO WELL the feelings of "getting old". Something I've determined, for myself. I take this as a challenge to my makeup skills. Plus I get a chance to go to Home Depot and buy a new concrete trowel to apply my foundation.

Seriously, I remember when I turned 47, for some reason I had "miscounted" the years and was fully convinced that I was turning 46. When it was made very clear to me that my math was in error, I went into a 3 month long state of clinical depression for having "lost a year of my life" .

I'll be turning 63 (omg did I just type THAT number?) this Oct. Today I feel better about myself than I have ever felt in many years.

A bit of my thought process when it comes to ([SIZE="1"]aging[/SIZE]).
We get to 20 yrs. and don't think about "The End"
we get to 30 yrs, and some sort of dim thought about "The End" is there but we don't dwell on it.
Hitting 40 yrs., we kinda think about "IT" but, hey, we can double this with a little bit of effort.
Hit 50 and we have to think, "Well, with modern medicine and proper care, no problem, "doubling" this is a doable thing.
Hit 60 and, well, the chance of "going around again? is very unlikely.
So,.....what do we do?
[SIZE="4"]ENJOY WHAT WE HAVE[/SIZE] I shall NOT "go gently into the night" I'll be kicking and screaming the whole way.
Acceptance of the reality of life? There is an END. Nope, I do not "look forward" to it, I DO look to what I'll be doing today and shall enjoy it as much as possible, in what ever way I can.

[Sheri 4242]

Yes this is normal, and yes this is reality. The older we get, the faster time goes by. An hour goes by now in the blink of a eye . . . Stephenie

The more I think about it, the more I realize how powerless I am to stop it.

(T)he real you is what's in your heart and not what's on the outside. Holly's right and offers great hope for all of us. I'm 62 and still feel like I'm 20 even though my body is starting to object. My point is our "beauty" comes from who we are not what we look like.

Kim,

I'm sorry you have felt the way you have. Believe me this: in the short time I have been participating on this site, I have found your posts to be inspirational!!!! And, girl, we all age -- but you look GREAT!!!! Hey, what one of us hasn't had to work a little harder at looking good as each year passes by. What's important are the end results, and you have NO problem there!!!

There are too many chapters left for YOU to write on the slate of your life -- there are too many whom you can help!!!!!!!

Always remember -- and keep close to your heart -- the "Serenity Prayer" -- "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!"

Barbara

[O2B Barbara]

I realize that as time goes by and I get older I will change in appearance and not in ways that I want to. I will keep on dressing as long as I dress myself. I will just dress in a fashion to match my age. Never was bikini material.

[kerrianna]

I just have to say that I am so proud and honoured to be associated with everyone here.

You girls are so inspirational. I love what you have said here.

[Kate Simmons]

I just have to say that I am so proud and honoured to be associated with everyone here.

You girls are so inspirational. I love what you have said here.

Me inspirational? Good lord, I must be slipping. I do have a tough gal rep to live up to ya know.

[RachelDenise]

Kim, this is something we all go through. There came a time a few years ago when it dawned on me that I was never going to pass in public, never have someone to encourage and help me, and never have the DD chest I always wanted. So what is good? Me! I have accepted my limitations in life but still love what I do! It is for me anyway and any part of being femme is enough for me. Could I have ever passed? No, not if I look at myself critically (6'3", well over 200 lbs, hairy and can't dance!). But for me it doesn't matter. We all need to find happiness in our lives and make it work for us. When I put on a bra with my DD forms, it's magic for me. I become Rachel Denise!