Theft is a crime, there is no grey area or justification.
As unpalateable as cheating is, it doesn't cross that line into criminal behavior, even adultry is a civil matter.
You can't trust a criminal.
Theft is a crime, there is no grey area or justification.
As unpalateable as cheating is, it doesn't cross that line into criminal behavior, even adultry is a civil matter.
You can't trust a criminal.
Last edited by amanda barber; 06-20-2007 at 07:32 PM.
Originally Posted by Sharoncd
OK Sharon, so THAT's what caused your wife's retaliation!
Yup, I'll agree with a lot of others now, you're lucky it was your clothes and not you that she threw out! If you think clothes are expensive, just think what a divorce will cost you, especially since you are the one cheating! Oh yeah, lawyers aren't afraid to use the fact that you CD to get even MORE leverage!
I hope you got your jollies trying to make us feel sorry for you. You knew all the while why she threw your things out.
It's a good thing you two are going to counseling. I do hope you can make things work in your marriage. And please, it's not just about you. You have to try to understand her side of things too.
Lori
Hm. Getting rid of your stuff is a VERY bad call. I would react to something like that well, I can tell you. And this has nothing to do with girl clothes. It doesn't matter what's been thrown out - a unilateral decision to pitch something that means a lot to you is grossly insensitive.
On the other hand, I know nothing of your situation, so I don't what to judge anyone.
I hope everything works out.
Sounds like a great relationship.
You dont trust her, she doesnt trust you.
I think the damage is irreprable.
being totally honest .............. had my partner cheated on me, he would be lucky to have an item of clothing other than the ones left on his back, cos I would have thrown him and his clothes ou,t and his clothes (male and female)would have been missing bits ............... you are one lucky guy to have your partner and not me.
What she did is not criminal, it is not theft ................ his wife threw out clothes that she deemed for whatever reason to being suplus to requirments .............. I don't think we would have comments like this made had she thrown out his male clothes ..............
I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me
I agree!!!
Some states and countries have statutes on the books that make adultery a crime, and thus potentially a criminal matter. Getting these enforced would be a joke -- just not going to happen. BUT, I have to say that I think your logic is just a bit specious!!! Husbands and wives toss things out here and there without asking the other, and do things without talking to the other. I guess what I am getting at is, on a very personal and emotional level, what Sharon did was the deepest betrayal one can commit against their spouse. What his wife did in return, was mean-spirited, but I would think it would be impossible to prosecute b/c it was an emotionally-charged response in a marital setting.
Cheating would absolutely be a deal-breaker!!!!!!! Sharon would be history with me!!!!!!!
When I read Sharon's initial start of this thread, I was shocked at what the wife had done and was going to suggest Sharon pack the wife's stuff up, then when she asked where it was, tell her it was probably in the same landfill as Sharon's boxes. (Then give them back after a few hours to let it sink in.)
Now that Sharon has clarified things -- and Sharon, you knew what was going on, so, just MHO, you should have said so from the get-go -- it angers me that you mislead us --- sounds like you were wanting our deep sympathy -- and make you feel superior to your wife by our stroking your ego by telling you how bad she was and how you had been so'ooo wronged.
You definitely give the impression that you have a self-centered way at looking at things. It is her weight. It is her problems and issues. It is her loosing interest. It is her not appreciating your work schedule. (Etc.) Well, marriage is a two-way street and it takes work. "IF" we got your wife's side of the story, we might just find some strikingly different details. The truth probably would be in the middle.
By the way, you're good at telling us her weight. Is that nice? Or, are you absolutely so perfect that you think it gives you the right to throw in these tid-bits which are clearly designed to give you some justification!!!! What would she tell us about your weight? Other habits?
I am NOT trying to sound mean or bitchy, but I've lived through having been cheated on in my first marriage. My wife lived through the same thing in her first marriage. One thing we both would agree on is that you'd be history if you were the spouse of one of us!!!
One thing I will say without ambiguity: there is NO justification for adultery!!!!!!! It is "the" single most personal way to hurt your spouse!!!!!!! I'd say that porbably the only reason you're still around is b/c she has such low self-esteem -- and maybe also concurrntly worries how sh'd make it financialy -- that she just can't let go. Don't call it an affair, either -- that is just so much sugar-coating. It is adultery, period. And, now that a larger picture has come out, I'd have to say, hey, you want someody else, then get divorced, but keep it zipped until you do!!!
With the facts that we have been given , this is the only place I feel I can offer you empathy and support. That would be wrong of her to out you if you left her! That said, the way I feel about adultery, I don't know why she'd want you anyway. Nevertheless, this type of manipulative threat needs to be addressed in counselling!!!
You can call me mean-spirited (I'm not, but you can say I am), or call me one who is adamant, in re tough love. Your thread just got under my skin, especially as you offered up more details that greatly clarified things -- details we should have been given from the start.
^^' what's an SO? Sorry about your prettyful stuff being tossed. *hugs*
Last edited by Zely; 06-21-2007 at 06:42 AM. Reason: umm typo?
I am so sorry this happened to you. I know I have my issues sometimes about my CD but I love him very much. My issues are not his issues and I would never do anything like this to him.
ok I screwed up. From now on I will read the entire thread. I forgot that there are people out there who will paint the wronged party as the bad guy to make themselves look good, after all I haven't had to live like that in months. I'm sorry it won't happen again.
That being said...
I am not about abusing others publicly and I wouldn't want to break any rules. You get married for better or worse. There is no weight limit on love and by the way deary you're no VS model;snap; I don't put people down but how dare you? How dare you when she accepted you , BTW people who are severly depressed tend to put on weight and quit doing housework...How could you be so inconsiderate and selfish!? If my man did to me what you did to her, oh that's right he did and I took my kids and moved far away.
But at least he still has all his stuff! You're just lucky she hasn't left your sorry....!
That burns me up! Tamara Thanks for setting me straight on that one. If I had read the whole thread I wouldn't have even responded to this guy. I'm to new to be sure what would count as abuse or even if I would have been alone in my feelings. In real life Natasha woulda had to drag me off someone like that.
Last edited by crimsoncage GG; 06-21-2007 at 11:07 AM.
I've read this whole thread and I see it split into two... those who care more about clothes being tossed and those who care for the wife who has basically been treated like nothing but something that was scraped off her husbands shoe.
Why is that?? why is it such a damn crime that the wife threw away the clothes?? it is NOT theft, she didn't STEAL anything.... you can't steal something that is in your own home... and she had EVERY right to be angry and the hubby is lucky that's all she did. And then to top it off, the hubby won't sleep with his wife because she is overweight...
How very sad.... the woman you married, the one you're supposed to love unconditionally.... instead of helping her, you cheated on her, well bravo, well done... you made her worse...
I hope you get the councelling you need, I hope she gets the support she needs and I hope she gets a man she deserves, because she sure as hell doesn't need a man cheating on her because of a weight issue :mad:
Last edited by Tamara Croft; 06-21-2007 at 08:33 AM.
Administrator
Missing my Libra babe Sherlyn, I hope she's rocking up there with the angels
Missing our Rianna, doesn't seem right, gone to early, hope she's partying with Sherlyn
Cheating on her was very wrong. Her throwing out your clothes was very wrong as well, no matter how angry or justified she felt in doing it. This doesn't sound like a recipe for a very healthy relationship to me. Sounds like you both could benefit from some counseling to see if this relationship can...or even should...be saved at this point.
And now Sharon, you've managed to make many of us not trust you as well. Withholding information as you did about what contributed to your wife's actions (justified or not) was absolutely wrong of you. You both are behaving poorly and until and unless you both receive so outside assistance, history is only going to repeat itself... not much to look forward to.
Fulltime girl on the inside.
Lipstick=confidence
[SIZE=4]Holly[/SIZE]
There are moral/ethical/legal issues involved here.
a) A person has total rights over there own body, even in a relationship. This is important as it protects women from being raped legally by their husbands or otherwise physically abused.
b) A person has the right to their own property even while in a relationship. This is important as it protects women from husbands who are financially abusive.
c) A person has the right to determine the level of their participation in a relationship. so yes someone has the right to not sleep with their partner. This is important as it protects women from from being raped by their husbands, forced to become pregnant to their husbands or be forced into any other practice within a relationship.
d) A person has the right to define the relationship for themselves despite common custom. This is important as it protects women from being forced to participate in abusive cultural practices of their own culture or their husbands.
e) A person has a right to privacy. This is important as it protects women from manipulatively abusive husbands and gives them the capacity to make preperations to flee such abuse.
f) A person has the right to information that puts them physically at risk. This is important as it protects women from being infected by nasty diseases or poisons that their husbands could expose them to.
This ensures men cannot 'own' their wives or steal their wives property.
The natural consequences of equal rights means men get all these right to which also means:
a) The husband can shave or tattoo or pierce themselves in any way irrespective of the desires of their partner.
b) The husband can own a stash of womens clothes or a bank account that is theirs and only theirs.
c) We may not agree with the 'why' but it's still the husbands right to not sleep with their partner. To insist, cajole or force them to is rape.
d) A person may have an 'open' relationship or non-monogamous relationship. (though to do so without the knowledge of the partner is to risk transmission of disease to them and is therefore unethical).
e) Husbands can hve lives outside the relationship, friends outside the relationship and can keep things from their wives that do not risk physical harm to their wives.
f) Husbands have a right to know these same things too fo course. Women cheat just as much.
Therefore a wife cannot 'own' her husband.
The things that protect women from possessive and abusive husbands must be applied equally to men.
Cheating is a breach of a promise (assuming the promise was freely made and not at all coerced), not (in most western democracies at least) a crime.
Also remember that cheating rates are massive.. studies range from 30% to over 50% and are equally comitted by men and women. The number of children that are not fathered biologically by the man supposed to be the father is staggeringly huge!
Now I'm not defending cheating but clearly monogamy is a goal that a huge proportion of the population simply cannot reach! It is high time that the very nature of what we should expect from relationships be thoroughly reevaluated by society as a whole.
Personally I favour monogamy but wouldn't force it on someone else.
Irrespective, theft is a crime and also a direct violation of personal boundaries and is in itself clearly wrong. Risking exposing someone unknowingly to possible infections is also thoroughly wrong. As two wrongs don't make a right I can hapilly condemn theft and risking other peoples lives (like passive smoking!) as totally unethical without entering into the much less clear cut, subjective, culturally specific and gray area that is 'moral' infidelity.
Now if we are going to be relativistic about it where different types of wrong are weighted as being more or less important.. well the problem with that is that there can be no right answers outside a single individuals judgement as that way of measuring right and wrong is unalterably subjective. That's why we can easilly determine ethically, objectively, based on rights, what is right and wrong and judge others accordingly but personal subjective decisions are impossible for others to judge.
But people have a right to privacy! It is wrong in that we cannot fairly judge or understand situations without sufficient pertinent data and therefore it is wrong as in ineffective but surely only as wrong as that. We don't have a right to any details of other peoples lives that they do not wish to share.Withholding information as you did about what contributed to your wife's actions (justified or not) was absolutely wrong of you.
Lets not disregard all the gains of the enlightenment and feminism please.
I hate to be nasty here, but her dumping your femme things is not the betrayal, or the worst thing that could have happened. You are lucky you still have a chance to keep her. I would focus on the adultery issue, not go shopping, and pray you could get through this. Good luck.
Steff
I'm sorry, but this is utter rubbish!!! You don't come on this forum, with a 'woe is me she threw my clothes' thread and then expect everyone to feel sorry for them... and then toss into the mix 'oh but I had an affair too because my wife is overweight'.... get real.... your post has angered me more than the thread starters
Administrator
Missing my Libra babe Sherlyn, I hope she's rocking up there with the angels
Missing our Rianna, doesn't seem right, gone to early, hope she's partying with Sherlyn
I agree with Tamara.
And sorry, Batty, but 'everyone else does it' isn't a good defense for cheating. That's just silly. And we're NOT talking about an open relationship here, because then it wouldn't be cheating. I highly disagree with your arguments.
Hi Sharon. This is something you and your wife have to work out. In my opinion, it is an entirely personal matter and shouldn't have been aired here at all but what is done is done. I do give you credit for having the courage to admit what you did. I only hope the two of you can work this out if that is possible. My best wishes for you with that my friend.
I had to walk away from this thread to calm down before I got muself banned for what I wanted to say .............. your reply angered me beyond belief.
[SIZE="4"]He cheated full stop no agreement to open relationship here, he withheld sex from her, the lied when asked if he was cheating[/SIZE]
Did you manage to miss the pertinant parts of the two posts or did you just choose to ignore them.
I thank god I have the partner I have ......... we may have our problems with or without cding thrown into the mix ......... but of one thing I am absolutely certain for both of us is [SIZE="4"]FIDELITY AND TRUST IS PARAMOUNT[/SIZE] without that we would not have a relationship
I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me
Last post for this thread from me. The bottom line is you took away something close to her(security, trust, sex). So she got rid of something close to you(clothes) . However, she could never take enough from you, to match what you stole from her.
Peace,
Steff
[SIZE=3]there has been so much truth and so much crap on this thread. The truth is you lied to all of us
[SIZE=4]Country Girl GG[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]When you find something good... Grab it with both hands and do all you can do to keep it![/SIZE]
Is it possible to take both sides in this one? IMO, they were both wrong. Even if throwing away the clothes was retaliation for a heinous act of betrayal, it doesn't undo the wrong that has already been done... so now it's two wrongs... the only question is which one is greater magnitude. Since the husband who came here looking for support was the one who cheated multiple times, his offence being of greater magnitude is why he is not going to get that support.
Last edited by renee99; 06-21-2007 at 09:55 PM.
[SIZE=3]Renee99, Perhaps if Sharon had not lied to us or if you prefer, mislead us, then we might have have more support to give, but no matter how you throw the dice on this one, most people are not willing to forgive a betrayal of the most sacred thing there is. I for one would have to say that cheating or having sex outside of the relationship/marriage is definately a deal breaker for me. There would be no second chance with this lady and I dare say with most. Sharon's wife is a woman to be valued and treasured. A rare jewel to say the very least.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Country Girl GG
[SIZE=3]The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]When you find something good... Grab it with both hands and do all you can do to keep it![/SIZE]
Amen! Ditto! Exactly!
Right on!!
I'm sorry that I can feel no empathy here for some lost clothes. To put everyone straight here (IMHO), throwing someones clothes out isn't wrong, unfair, a crime or anything else.
Having 3, YES THREE affairs, and then LYING ABOUT IT, is what's WRONG. Lots of people here write threads about feeling like a woman etc. PLEASE.. put yourself in any SO's position and ask yourself if you wouldn't FEEL the same.
There are for sure more issues going on here, and I do hope you figure them out. Your wife obviously loves you or there wouldn't be anything of yours left in the house. I hope you figure out that you sure as hell love your wife or else she is better off asking for a divorce. If you are really lucky maybe she'll trust you again as well as loving you as much as she does.
Time to see the big picture.
Joanne.
P.S. If this p*%^#@ people off then so be it. I usually refrain from replies that are this controversial and opinionated, but geez sometimes this community needs to think of the SO's first. They love us, they put up with all our self-centred crap and sure as hell don't deserve all that crap dumped upon them.
[SIZE="3"]All it takes is a little Pixie Dust![/SIZE]
Thank you very much, Jojo. I appreciate the sentiment.
"The most deadly lie is the half truth." ~Anton Szandor LaVey
Now, onto the matter at hand. Clothes are clothes. They are inanimate and incapable of feelings. Your wife, is a person, who is capable of feelings, and quite animate. You cheat on her, you hurt her feelings and betray her trust. She throws out your clothes, they feel nothing. Clothing can be replaced, people who are important in our lives and who support us cannot be so easily replaced. If she has supported you in any way (financially or emotionally), then she has done far more for you than the clothes have, and you treat your clothes with more respect than you did her.
That fact that people are ACTUALLY comparing the act of throwing out clothing to cheating is absolutely ludacris. There is no comparison. One sucks, and one is hurtful and a betray.
Quite frankly, if it were me, the relationship would be over.
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