It sound to me like he has a very long road to travel before he accepts himself. Let alone share things with his wonderful wife. Maybe it is nbest that he does let the dressing go for a while, and just apply all his attention to his caring wife.
It sound to me like he has a very long road to travel before he accepts himself. Let alone share things with his wonderful wife. Maybe it is nbest that he does let the dressing go for a while, and just apply all his attention to his caring wife.
my sister's reply when I told her how I prefer to dress
"Everyone has there thing, all that matters is that you are happy, love what you do and who you do it with"
Corrine,
The additional information that has come forward since you first started posting has changed what I initially thought. From what I have read, a majority of those who have been following this thread and giving you advice are changing their opinions to some greater or lesser degree, too.
Therefore, I'd like to run something new by you. You said:
Originally Posted by Corrine GG
First, crossdressing, as you express with such great understanding, isn't an addiction. It is part of who and what a person is, and you are intelligent enough to comprehend this. Moreover, you have displayed exceptional willingness to explore this side of your husband! I think you can tell that many of us think that you are exceptional -- and that your husband is very lucky to have you as his wife!!!
Second, "maybe" there is something else involved -- something that would make him feel there is an addiction component (and I don't mean to drugs) -- I call it an "addiction transfer excuse" for lack of a better term b/c it is a specious way of thinking -- it transfers one's actions to the realm of "I have an addiction."
I think some of the other girls on here might be able to verify what I'm about to say. And truly, I hate to suggest any of this, but with all that you have been through, and as understanding as you have been, it has made me wonder what else may be at the center of your husband's actions. Three things come to mind:
(1.) Some crossdressers go to "escorts" -- not necessarily for sex, and, in fact, there might not be sexual acts involved. Conversely, sex may be involved, but sometimes not with the escort, but, shall we say, in front of the escort, the CD "taking things in hand," so to speak. This activity reaches into the realm of D/s.
IOW, some CDers delve into some aspect(s) of BDSM. It is the way they can dress and also give up control of their actions. It is complex. but they rationalize that they aren't cheating -- and they mentally formulate that even the CDing is not of their own volition b/c there can be an element of supposedly being forced to be feminized. Like I said, it is complex -- even convoluted -- but it happens.
(2.) In the same vein of thought there can be a much deeper activity that produces the same results as in #1, and that is going to a "Professional Dominatrix." Again, actual sexual relations don't happen -- and there can be a distinct element of supposedly being forced to dress and do whatever, from light BDSM to hard.
(3.) Some other form of activity that he rationalizes as addictive to justify and validate what he does. Pornography is often viewed as addictive. It could be rationalized as addictive and it could include "dressing behavior" with another GM that doesn't involve actual intercourse -- sort of like Bill Clinton didn't consider what he did as adultery b/c it was a bj and not intercourse. Having been around many students in their mid to late teens, and even in their early twnties, it is AMAZING how many do NOT consider some acts that my generation would call sexual acts as not being sex!!!
ALL of these activities could be considered "addictive." They could be a way for him to say, this isn't who/what I am b/c of the way I am forced into it and held in by it being a supposed addiction. Specious, but often the thought pattern!!!
I could be totally wrong here, but I do know this: many crossdressers would give everything to have an accepting wife to dress in front of!!!!!!! That is why I began considering possible other things that would explain his attitude -- especially that he has an addiction that he can supposedly cope with!!!!!!!
My wife just said that I should add that your husband may not be aware of the psychology of CDing -- and she agrees that your husband should be so very grateful to have a wife like you instead of transfering whatever he's up to into some sort of convoluted "addiction excuse."
Our best to you!!! Feel free to contact us any time!!!
Sheri
It sound to me like he has a very long road to travel before he accepts himself. Let alone share things with his wonderful wife. Maybe it is nbest that he does let the dressing go for a while, and just apply all his attention to his caring wife.
I think he cannot accept this part of him. I know it must be common, gays and lesbians go through the same thing sometimes.
I think he feels less than a man when he dresses and he can't be a man to me if he does it. He just has a long road ahead of him in this.
He said that he threw everything away. (I don't know if I believe it) I asked him how long he had been doing it and he said a LONG time. I said, "doesn't that tell you something?"
I told him that I didn't have a problem with it, he just doesn't get it. All I said was that it wasn't fair to me to have a sexual side hidden from me and then turn down my advances all the time. I told him it was cheating even though it did not involve other people. He went through this kick when we were dating, watching porn when we weren't together. About once a week. I would ask him to stop by my house and have dinner with me after work but he always had excuses. Then he would go home and watch porn when he could have been having sex with me. I reminded him of that yesterday...it wasn't the porn....it was the fact that he chose that over me. I said AGAIN, it's the same way with the dressing, if it's detrimental to our physical relationship then there has to be some changes made. MY solution was to include me. THAT backfired right in my face. Hell, I remember a while back asking him to wear panties to work, me knowing about it....then come home to me. That never happened. If he feels like this is freaky and wrong I am not going to get anywhere by forcing it. I am going to be the PERVERT.
We shall see how it goes. He told me I don't have to snoop anymore, there is nothing to find. It may be true but he also may be lying to calm me down and get me off the trail.
Corrine, words fail me to express the level of sorrow I feel for what you are going through.
I still believe a great deal of his issues stem from his lack of acceptance of himself. This is an extremely difficult issue for most cross dressers to resolve. It took me the best part of fifty years to resolve my own. A pox upon society for enforcing such rigid gender standards! That said, however, I would think that your husband has a HUGE advantage in having a supportive spouse actively declaring her acceptance of him. I know of few CDers that have been in that situation prior to coming out to their mates.
May I be blunt, Corrine? Your husband needs counseling. He needs serious help in resolving his gender issues. If he does not, I fear for the future of your relationship with him. This is something that you should insist upon. Maybe do a bit of research in your area and locate a competent therapist who specializes in gender therapy and pass the information on to him. Some may argue with me that this is forcing the issue... perhaps it is. But by doing nothing, he is putting the marriage relationship in jeopardy.
As always, you have my fondest wishes for a better future.
Fulltime girl on the inside.
Lipstick=confidence
[SIZE=4]Holly[/SIZE]
Keep in mind that I have never met either one of you and all this is pure speculation. But speaking from my past.
When I was alot younger I was dressing. I met my now wife and I was totally ashamed of the fact that I dressed. I was also unsure that she would keep my secret if I told her. I did keep my stuff hidden from her.
One day she found the stuff and there was a huge fight. I did throw away all those things. I was always ready for the intimate moments with her and the dressing was a secondary part of my life. It still is.
SO he may very well be telling you the truth, If he is beware that someday he may be back at it, and hopefully he will include you in the very personal part of his life. I know that I would be DELIGHTED if my wife would get a bit closer to this side of me.
If he is just trying to lead you off of his path, Then there are some more serious trust issues at hand, and the dressing is a secondary problem.
Either way, I would think that it is best to let the whole issue lay for a while and see just how it plays out over the next little while. If nothing happens, then I would try touching on the subject with him again. Feel him out. Is he telling the truth, or is he still hiding.
If he is hiding then you both will have to work out the trust issues. Hopefully you can. I was there with my wife and it is a VERY dificult thing to get thru. But once you get to the other side, Life is wonderful.
Hope the has helped somewhat.
Raychel
PS: It took 13 years before I came out to my wife. 13 years after she first found my stash of clothes in the shed, I told her thay were an old girlfriends. That did not go well at all.
my sister's reply when I told her how I prefer to dress
"Everyone has there thing, all that matters is that you are happy, love what you do and who you do it with"
I cant believe the lengths we go threw to keep our little secretThe shame, The self anger, The fear, <sigh> the desire to let these things come out, they want to bloom, if only we could just let it. I'm sorry Corrine
The counseling sounds like a good idea, but will he throw it in your face? " omg, cant you leave well enough alone" He told you that this is been a part of him for a long long time, i would reinforce the fact to him then, well then, you know its not going to go away! you may as well just accept it! I do, No one Else has to know!! The only thing that matters to me is us. Tell him that you have been reading on the issue, to help him, that there is literally hundreds of thousands of men that do this as well, and dates waaay back in history. That the sexual feelings go away the more you get use to the feelings and do it more. He really only has 2 options, 1 throw it away and hope it never comes back <good luck>, or 2 accept it and be happy about it. He defenatly sounds like a fighter, I pushed it away for as long as i can remember, just been the past few years i have accepted it, and still feel shame i have to hide it from the world. The real battle is the sexual feeling that go along with it at the start, the more you add to the outfit, the stronger that gets, but it goes away slowly. I was single when i was fighting this the most, cant imagine being in a relationship and fighting this, that would be so hard!!!
Hang in there dear, I understand what he is going threw right now, you are such a great person to what to help him, Truly an open heart
C
Hi Corrine,
As a CD with a SO that isn't exactly supportive (although she did try), I want to say thank you for trying so hard. I was wondering if you had any new news? I come on every day hoping to hear some good news. Good luck!
He made a joke about wearing panties last night...I laughed til I cried and told him I loved him.
Baby steps
Hi Corrine,
I'm hoping you have another update since your last post. This was the most interesting thread which I came on every day to read. Your attitude towards the whole situation touched me. Has there been any more progress?
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