Formerly accepting SO's

[JennaKnots]

Does anyone have experience with an SO that once accepted their CDing but now doesn't for whatever reason?

And SO's - have you found yourself on the other side of this (once accepting and now not)?

I'd like to hear anyone's experience on this...

[Sheila]

well I am an accepting SO but sometimes acceptance is stretched, to occasionaly okay this is your thing, today i don't need to know about this ...... on the other hand sometimes he is the one saying I don't need your acceptance to do this .......... genaerally we work together but occasionaly we are out of sync ........... there again somedays i support his golfing wholeheartedly other days i really can't be bothered to here how he played each and every hole on the golf course. Somedays he likes to hear what I am doing one the comp and otherdays he dosen't wanna know.

My guess is that you won't find SO's on here that are not accepting even if they once were ........... I may be wrong ..... like i said it is just a guess

[Shelly Preston]

The problem is the even if an SO is accepting that may not be the whole story

How many time have you heard someone say I just kept quiet to keep the peace

Attitudes can change over time even without either person really noticing

It may be the small things that cause it over a long time or it may be a breach of trust which has already been stated

Then suddenly the SO is no longer accepting

This usually results in one of two outcomes

1) The couple have to seperate
2) The crossdressing partner has to give up dressing

Neither is easy

[kittypw GG]

I have been in this situation. I was accepting and willing to explore this part of my hubby from the begining. Then he went through a period of "pink fog" and some confusion about himself. I was super saturated with the tg stuff and became overwhelmed and stressed out about it. I just wanted it to STOP. For self preservation I had to stop participating in any of it. I tried to tell my hubby that things needed to back off for a while but he was compelled and obsessed with everything tg, shows on tv, painting his toes, trying to grow his fingernails and his hair, all of his body hair gone. Let me tell you my brakes were smoking so that I would not drive over a cliff. I shut down and he got angry. He did not understand why I was ok with it to start and then was not. It is because he would not listen when I told him to back off. In his selfishness he could not see how he was turning me off to the whole idea and stressing me out. I could not stomach the cd stuff for two whole years and even now am slightly reluctant to encourage anything for fear of going back into that very UGLY pink fog.

It consumed me and that is not fair. He failed to think about how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. He lacked empathy because he was blinded by..........I still don't know what. All I know is that I have set boundries for myself and he no longer has free reign over what we do in our spare time. I have taken my power back and give crossdressing a proper portion of my life that goes along with my priorities and my interests as well.

He has to allow me the space I need. When he does this I find that I actually want to participate more because he is caring about me enough to let me give what I can give.

Kitty

[JudeGG]

Having never accepted - i dont have the problem of changing my mind.

[Ema1234 GG]

I think it's difficult to make such a cut and dry answer to the question of acceptance. Personally, and I think I speak for many of the GG's here, our levels of acceptance can change on a daily level.

Based on my own judgements, I'd say that's most true of those of us who are not at a true level of acceptance, but try our best to be so. I guess somedays it's just all just too much, yet other days we really don't mind all that much. In those cases, it can often be nothing to do with the CDer, but actually the SO battling their emotions.

Of course, this doesn't include situations where trust may have been broken, or the overall relationship takes a turn for the worse as a result of CDing.

[Marla S]

I had had this experience.

IMO it depends a lot on what you undestand or want to understand by acceptance. The CD and the SO might have different definitions here, they might even change as mentioned above.

Further it depends on the reason for acceptence IMO.
It makes a difference if the SO has an affinity for feminine men, or trys to be accepting 'just' because she loves you.

The SO might be open minded, trys to understand and accept, but has to realize someday that she faild (you can't get used to everything even when you try hard).

When the level of acceptance changes there is probably more to it and there other reasons involved than just changing the mind concerning CDing.
So it might be worth to look a bit beyond CDing too.

It is worth to consider that a CD usually doesn't come out of the closet, but pulls the SO into the closed. We all know how unpleasant the closet is in the long run.

[Tree GG]

...

It is worth to consider that a CD usually doesn't come out of the closet, but pulls the SO into the closed. We all know how unpleasant the closet is in the long run.

Well said, Marla. It feels like that many days.

If it always stayed at a personal expression level, at home or out, just going about the work/joy of daily life and "it" just being an incidental part, it'd always be good, IMO. But it doesn't. It becomes an obsession and a goal to completely negate the original self and always having to find something for "her" to do.

Then it's hard to be accepting. Life is generally good. Some days bad, some days challenging, but I have not conquered my reality and become bored with it so I'm not interested in playing out a fantasy - IMO it just complicates enjoying what my life is. Or what it was.....or what I believed it was....

His CDing goals/desires change on a daily basis. I suppose it's only fair and to be expected that my emotions/thoughts about it would change just as frequently.

[JennaKnots]

Seems like a lot of folks have been though some not-so-great experiences with the whole animal of CDing.

For myself, I'd say that I've been completely honest and I don't have an intention to bring this out in the open as to force her to be closeted too. I feel as though I've been reasonable, but I guess when it comes to feelings, there really is no such thing.

We're both commited to the relationship and are very communicative and open. For those things I'm grateful.

I hear that it might be a selfish need on my part. But is any need that is not a shared one unselfish? Either way, I'm not inflexible, just struggling, as I'm sure she is too.

thanks for the replies.

[GACountrygal]

Jenna, if she's struggling, have her come here so she can talk to the GG's here on the site! It'd be a great place for her to come and browse and get some understanding!

[Daintre]

When I told my ex, I had been transferred to a small town, she and I were our own best friends as we knew no one there. Our give and take was exaggerated because of this. I do believe that my ex accepted the fact I dressed, but was not happy about it.

When we moved back to the City, she had her family and friends again, we didn't have to everything to each other and her acceptance turned to non acceptance.

[Kris]

Gosh I read these posts and feel so sad. I just can't imagine to be in love with someone and have them decide that you can't be "you" because they can't deal with it.
Frankly, I don't understand why it would bother a SO. If you love someone, isn't it who you love that matters, not what they are wearing? I am new and really naive, I think that cd'ers are sexy as can be and couldn't imagine telling someone they can't do it.
Someone mentioned something about the SO feeling left out... left out of what? I don't understand.. if the SO wants to get dressed up too, why can't she? I don't understand.. and I am sorry that all of the Cders have had such a hard time.
I think my son is a cder... and I hope everyday that if he ever comes out he will be with a woman who is accepting and doesn't feel threatened by it.
Maybe I am too new and just don't get it. To be totally honest I don't think I want to understand either. I like loving a person.. and sexy clothes don't hurt either!

Kris

[kittypw GG]

Gosh I read these posts and feel so sad. I just can't imagine to be in love with someone and have them decide that you can't be "you" because they can't deal with it.
Frankly, I don't understand why it would bother a SO. If you love someone, isn't it who you love that matters, not what they are wearing? I am new and really naive, I think that cd'ers are sexy as can be and couldn't imagine telling someone they can't do it.
Someone mentioned something about the SO feeling left out... left out of what? I don't understand.. if the SO wants to get dressed up too, why can't she? I don't understand.. and I am sorry that all of the Cders have had such a hard time.
I think my son is a cder... and I hope everyday that if he ever comes out he will be with a woman who is accepting and doesn't feel threatened by it.
Maybe I am too new and just don't get it. To be totally honest I don't think I want to understand either. I like loving a person.. and sexy clothes don't hurt either!

Kris

Kris,
I don't think anyone is trying to stop our spouses from being "who they are". Lets face it crossdressing is their thing not ours and shouldn't have to consume the spouse. The cd should find balance in their lives or they will not live healthy lives. Crossdressing is such a strong desire that can consume the relationship and can choke out all other activitities. At some point in my marriage I was not "who I was". All of our spare time was about crossdressing. One day I woke up, looked in the mirror and wondered where the hell did I go? This is the makings of unacceptance. It is totally important that partners are in balance with eachother, not one giving up all for the other. Love should be a two way street. When the trafic stops going both ways is when you take an alternate route. Kitty

[Satrana]

The other thing to remember is that SOs have to daily face the overwhelming evidence that society only recognizes two genders . When you have to share someone else's "burden" it can wear you down over time and eventually you wonder why you are suffering especially if the SO does not get anything out of it unlike the CDer.

[Myst]

When I fisrt told my g/f about my desire to wear women's underwear, she was okay with it and there were even a couple of times where she dressed me all up... it was awesome! But it soon changed after that, and I still can't quite figure out why. All of a sudden she was infuriated with the idea that I like women's bras and panties, because at the time, for me that's as far as my interests went. She was upset that she had to hide my secret. I just don't know what triggered it, I don't think I ever tried to push it on to her and I always tried to be attentive to her needs.

I suppose in the end, its just one of those things. Maybe we try to understand and accept someone for who they are until we find out that there is something "not quite right" about them.

The thing that really gets me though is that we know some other CD's and she thinks its great that they are out and being themselves. She even offers them help and tips and has let them try on her things. Meanwhile, I have to sit there and keep all my feelings inside for risk of upsetting her again. Now, I will just do my dressing home alone.

[Lilith Moon]

I think it's difficult to make such a cut and dry answer to the question of acceptance. Personally, and I think I speak for many of the GG's here, our levels of acceptance can change on a daily level.

Based on my own judgements, I'd say that's most true of those of us who are not at a true level of acceptance, but try our best to be so. I guess somedays it's just all just too much, yet other days we really don't mind all that much. In those cases, it can often be nothing to do with the CDer, but actually the SO battling their emotions.

Of course, this doesn't include situations where trust may have been broken, or the overall relationship takes a turn for the worse as a result of CDing.

Yes, my wife's attitude changes almost hour by hour. For me, this is stressful because I don't know where I stand. I'm often afraid to even mention cd-ing and spend a lot of time in a state of uncertainty and stress. If she was firmly accepting or unaccepting I think I could handle it better.

[Tree GG]

.... When you have to share someone else's "burden" it can wear you down over time and eventually you wonder why you are suffering especially if the SO does not get anything out of it unlike the CDer.

Very, very true. Sad, but true. Say for example, I had never tried a sport (perhaps knew nothing about it), but my spouse was proficient. We went out to introduce me to this sport; he would be the one to direct, instruct and coach how to play. Same with CDing, but I'm not getting any coaching and I'm not seeing/feeling the fun other than the going places (I like to travel). He tried to show me the fun, but I just don't get it.

...The thing that really gets me though is that we know some other CD's and she thinks its great that they are out and being themselves. She even offers them help and tips and has let them try on her things. Meanwhile, I have to sit there and keep all my feelings inside for risk of upsetting her again. Now, I will just do my dressing home alone.

That's a tough spot. It's always easier to grant unconditional freedom to the people you don't live with. Talking the talk is one thing; walking the walk is much harder.

[Lilith Moon]

The thing that really gets me though is that we know some other CD's and she thinks its great that they are out and being themselves. She even offers them help and tips and has let them try on her things. Meanwhile, I have to sit there and keep all my feelings inside for risk of upsetting her again. Now, I will just do my dressing home alone.

This is getting a bit off topic, but one reason I came out to my wife after years of secrecy is that she was happy to chat with crossdressers at a fetish event we attended. What I didn't realise then was that, for many GGs, being OK with other crossdressers is a much different thing than being OK about it with a partner.

[kerensa]

Once had an ex partner who could never quite make her mind up whever she excepted me or not, she was a fab dress maker and would make a lot of my girlie clothes, however every now and then she would lose the plot and cut the whole lot up and tell me i had to give up cding i could never quite understand where i stood with her. However my wife now doesnt bat an eye lid to whatever i am wearing all she asks me to do is to tone things down a little around my children which i have no problem with. She is aware of my desire of one day to have BA and is also fine with that, we have been together for 5 years now and i know if we were to ever split up i would never bother getting into another relationship because no one could ever give me the support or understanding that she gives me.

[Carin's Wife GG]

the stroke left my brain a bit fried. What I accepted before I coudn't accept afterward. It is taking it's time but my aceptance for Carin is slowly returning. It has been very hard on her not knowing what is OK or off limits. We had to come up with some agreements and had many talks, some with our wonderful therapist.

I will say that the stroke, even though it took my actual voice for a while, certainly allowed me to *speak up* and say exactly what I was thinking (not in words so much but in other ways)

Love,


Louise.

[Colleentg]

I just had to add my on this thread. I was married for over 14 years. I opened up to her about my crossdressing six months after we married. She was very accepting and understanding, even thought it was sort of fun! We'd shop for matching outfits and lingerie and have great fun in it all! She often complimented my appearance and made suggestions on colors, styles, and ideas. Of course, there were certain things/items she wouldn't wear and didn't understand why I wanted to (ie. corsets, high heels). But she went along with me wearing them, for the time. I think she felt too pressured, I got so used to it, it became a continuous 'need' of mine for both of us to be dressed sexy to have sex! She eventually withdrew some, but still allowed me to wear what I wanted (in bed). My obsession grew, I couldn't go a day w/o dressing in something sexy and/or feminine, and my tastes broadened. I was buying kinky shoes and boots, things made of rubber, PVC and leather, too, along with more lingerie, makeup and perfume. I didn't realize what it was doing to our relationship, I was in my own world while she stood on the sidelines. After the first eight years, her involvement within it stopped. She was tired of it and strongly 'suggested' that I keep it all to myself, she didn't want to see me in any of it, any longer. That was depressing. But I kept it up, in my own privacy, the best I could. Those last six years were just barely hanging on between us. I realized I needed more, I needed to express myself, if not at home, elsewhere. She knew that too, and agreed our marriage should end for that reason.

I hope I shed some light on this thread. Someone else said something about the power of love, in unconditional means should keep a relationship. But someone else said there's two choices, live with the limitation or end the relationship. I had to choose the latter. I am happier and more content.

[Kris]

Hi again.. and Kitty thank you so much for your reply. As I have said I am new to this and am trying to understand. I think for me.. it's not a matter of acceptance... like accepting if someone smokes cigarettes or has a vodka after work each day..

I guess it's different for me because I would enjoy it. I think it would be wonderful fun.. maybe I am naive... (likely) but I believe that I am searching for this because I think it's fun too.. does that make sense?

I wasn't thinking of... being married to a man and having him tell me .. and being in a place that I have to accept it or not... because it seems natural to enjoy it. So I can see where it's different and how it must be harder to accept something that your mate can get obsessed with.

Kris

[sammie]

Hi JennaKnots,My name is Sammie. I also like to be called Karen as my male name is Ken and it just fits. My point is that like CDing,( we wear our identities ) a GG SO may feel threatened by our desire to become that which we chose to present ourself when we crossdress.She may think we are shallow or in some way more into becoming more fem-like than we should, in her GG mind.however wrong she may be.It is very difficult to say how she really feels though, unless you ask. Since we see our reality one way should not make anybody so upset that they can't accept us.I don't buy into that mindset personally,but many do i'm afraid. I sometimes cry over it...The divorce rate remains very high and people change over time so all I can say is that if your SO really loves you then you both will survive,and thrive together. Love conquers all!!!

[DeniseNJ]

I am on that sinking ship , you know the one where all is good and then here comes the iceberg. When I first met my now wife, she really didn't know about by Cding. Yea I was deep in the closet BUT I enjoyed so much feeling feminine. I was born a crossdresser. One Halloween she suggested I dress as a girl, I was like Ok, deep down inside I was elated. I really enjoyed that evening shaved legs, nice dress, silky hose , and I remember my first pair of heels , they were 3" purple pumps, a curly wig, I mean I wanted to be a real girl so bad. As in your first time out totally dressed words can't explain the feeling. After a party we went to a local bar and it felt good to be Denise. for a few years after that night, I would dress and we would have sex, It got to a point that my wife thought that I needed to dress as a woman to get aroused. We had our major spats and I remember the anger that I had for her . I remember one time she made me burn all my clothes and heels in the garden. Maybe she was right ,I wasn't getting turned on by her but polish my toes, slip into heels and put on some lipstick and I got very aroused. In her mind I was a queer and wanted to have sex with men... The truth is the male image doesn't turn me on. I think me trying to get her to use a strap -on on me was the final straw. She wouldn't have no parts of that. As the years went on my wife started resenting my dressing, I mean I didn't do it everyday but she wanted a real man not a sissy, that's how I took it. well the past 5 or so years she doesn't even wanna see me dressed and if she catches me with nail polish on she says {Take that crap off} my feet look nice and I love to polish my toes. She is very down on her looks and me trying to look sexy and feminine turns her off. THEN BAM I find this site last November Not a good thing for my relationship. The urge to be a girl and go out as Denise shifted into overdrive and she noticed it. Don't get me wrong I love this site but it has made me more daring and did some things that I never thought that I would do. seeing all you pretty girls in here has made me fantazize about the next level, am I scared you bet but by my wife forceing me away I am yearning for comfort from another CDer and when I feel girly who knows what will happen. I must be careful about my desires. here's a pic of the first time out as Denise

[NylonMan]

Kris GG. Where have you been all my life. I love your attitude, and wish more GG's had that same attitude.