Can I give away my clothes here?

[NicoleY]

I've been a long time lurker on this forum. Though I was never registered, I appreciated all the comments and support you've all indirectly provided.

Nicole, this 15-year of closeted CDer is now done at 27 years of age. Just last night, I was caught by my wife and through extensive discussion as two mature adults, we came to a conclusion in the discussion that my stopping CDing would be the optimistic path for both of us.

There was a thread in the other section that asked what kind of CDer am I? For me, CDing has not been an integral part of my life. I identify myself as a straight male, very attracted to women (well, mostly my wife), and like my guy life. CDing has always been a little something extra on top.

For those 15 years, I've managed to keep it a secret. My wife and I have dated for 4, engaged for 1, and married for 2: total of 7 years of relationship. Not once, has she noticed my CDing.

As others have stated, through discussion, we found that it was really the secrecy, the hiding, and the lies that were hurting her, though I never meant to hurt her that way.

We've talked all night last night and a few hours this evening. And we've explored all possibilities and scenarios. Our decision to put an end to my CDing seemed to make sense for the both of us.



Anyway, I will be disposing my clothes. I was originally going to give them to Goodwill, but I would rather donate them to another CDer who could make use of them. These clothes are meant to be worn: and I want to help other CDers. They are completely free. I will not ask for money. I'm in Southern California (East Long Beach, near CSULB), so if you'd like to come by, I'd be happy to give them to you.

Mostly, the sizes range from Medium to Large. I have a lot of jeans, lots of tops, a couple of dresses, tank tops, shirts, etc etc etc.... knee-high boots, 6-inch heel strappy sandals, and other shoes. Unfortunately, I don't have pictures of them as this was decided just this evening. Overall, collectively, I think there has to be over 60 pieces of clothing (probably more than that).

I am going to put them all in boxes. I would appreciate it if someone could come by and pick them up?




Also, if this is not permitted to do here, I will gladly donate them to Goodwill. Thanks for everything, ladies. I love you all.

-Nicole.

[CarrieAnneEvers]

I have had the same situation in the past, and I would advise you not to get rid of your girly stuff permanently. I'm sure one of us would be willing to store your stuff for you until you are ready to use it again.

There will probably come a day when you can no longer surpress the urge to let your femininity out and you will be forced to buy the stuff all over again and dress in secret. It's a vicious and expensive cycle.

You can stop cross dressing, but you can never stop being a cross dresser. Nor should you want to.

[NicoleY]

Thanks for the quick reply, CarrieAnne. Unfortunately, it seems that it will have to be a permanent move. This is what my wife and I agreed upon and I am going to carry it out. If given a choice between maintaining my marriage with this wonderful woman and CDing, I would choose my wife in a heartbeat without hesitation: and I am doing exactly that.

You are right: perhaps in time the urge to dress again may resurface. But I know that I will have the motivation and the will power to resist it.

It seems unfortunate, I know. However, I think life and relationships are making adjustments, making sacrifices, and melding into each other. This is a process that I am willing to make.

Thank you again for your kind words.

[Holly]

Let me see if I understand... you've been a lurker here for some time. You got caught by your wife and agreed to stop CDing (mutually), then you registered here just today for the sole reason of giving away your clothes. Does that sum it up? Forgive me, please. but I'm a bit, shall we say, "cautious." If the decision has been made, then pack the stuff up and get it out of there NOW.

[Kieron Andrew]

im sorry i agree with Holly, you havent even done an introduction and you are asking about giving your clothes away! I too am cautious, you are agreeing to purge, and we all know at best CDing isnt something chosen, its a way of life that stays forever, purging never works, you have been made to give up in my eyes, i can not see anything mutual about this

[PortiaHoney]

Thanks for the quick reply, CarrieAnne. Unfortunately, it seems that it will have to be a permanent move. This is what my wife and I agreed upon and I am going to carry it out. If given a choice between maintaining my marriage with this wonderful woman and CDing, I would choose my wife in a heartbeat without hesitation: and I am doing exactly that.

You are right: perhaps in time the urge to dress again may resurface. But I know that I will have the motivation and the will power to resist it.

It seems unfortunate, I know. However, I think life and relationships are making adjustments, making sacrifices, and melding into each other. This is a process that I am willing to make.

Thank you again for your kind words.

Been there, done that, ended up being one very miserable human being.

We each make our own choices, if we are lucky, they are the right ones.

Good Luck

[SirTrey]

I've been a long time lurker on this forum. Though I was never registered, I appreciated all the comments and support you've all indirectly provided.

Nicole, this 15-year of closeted CDer is now done at 27 years of age. Just last night, I was caught by my wife and through extensive discussion as two mature adults, we came to a conclusion in the discussion that my stopping CDing would be the optimistic path for both of us.

There was a thread in the other section that asked what kind of CDer am I? For me, CDing has not been an integral part of my life. I identify myself as a straight male, very attracted to women (well, mostly my wife), and like my guy life. CDing has always been a little something extra on top.

For those 15 years, I've managed to keep it a secret. My wife and I have dated for 4, engaged for 1, and married for 2: total of 7 years of relationship. Not once, has she noticed my CDing.

As others have stated, through discussion, we found that it was really the secrecy, the hiding, and the lies that were hurting her, though I never meant to hurt her that way.

We've talked all night last night and a few hours this evening. And we've explored all possibilities and scenarios. Our decision to put an end to my CDing seemed to make sense for the both of us.



Anyway, I will be disposing my clothes. I was originally going to give them to Goodwill, but I would rather donate them to another CDer who could make use of them. These clothes are meant to be worn: and I want to help other CDers. They are completely free. I will not ask for money. I'm in Southern California (East Long Beach, near CSULB), so if you'd like to come by, I'd be happy to give them to you.

Mostly, the sizes range from Medium to Large. I have a lot of jeans, lots of tops, a couple of dresses, tank tops, shirts, etc etc etc.... knee-high boots, 6-inch heel strappy sandals, and other shoes. Unfortunately, I don't have pictures of them as this was decided just this evening. Overall, collectively, I think there has to be over 60 pieces of clothing (probably more than that).

I am going to put them all in boxes. I would appreciate it if someone could come by and pick them up?




Also, if this is not permitted to do here, I will gladly donate them to Goodwill. Thanks for everything, ladies. I love you all.

-Nicole.

You can change a lot of things in your life, but the one thing that you CANNOT change is who you are...And no matter how strong your will to change THAT is, you will always default back to being you....We all make sacrifices for people that we love, do things to make relationships work....but some things are just not changeable...I detect a lot of sadness in your email, and I understand it....Please don't think I'm judging you for wanting to do whatever it takes to save your marriage...I'm just saying that maybe thinking that you can change who you are at root is a bit unrealistic, and can only lead to heartbreak down the road...I hate to see that happen to you....or to anyone....I wish you luck, I really do....But, if you find down the road that you cannot help but be who you are, don't hate or judge yourself too harshly for it....We are all unique individuals and that is what makes the world a truly wonderful place....Best Wishes....**Tracy**

[Cara Allen]

I am also new to this group. I am a lifelong transgendered, have been making my way in public for over ten years.
My wife also didn't know for the first 9 years of our relationship. She also felt (and to a degree, still does,) that I lied, cheated, and kept a big secret which could have affected her decision to marry me, in the first place.
My position on the matter for that 9 years, I am sure, was similar to what yours seems to be now. I thought it was something that I could control, supress, and generally walk away from (when you think of crossdressing, think of baseball...(smile.))
This is not a psychological dysfunction that can be corrected. 15 years of therapy earned me that. You will not stop, only go through multiple cycles of buying, purging, buying, purging. All the time, you will hate yourself for being weak, and for betraying your wife. I have no doubt that this has allready begun... I don't know when you originally wrote your letter.
There is another solution, and a good one. Seek counseling from a qualified professional, one who knows about gender issues. If you scour ythe web, you will find sites that can direct you. At this point, she either thinks you're crazy, or a sex maniac, or a pervert, or gay. You are not doing her any good by not getting her informed about this.
Another solution is to find a gender group near you. There are so, so many, I am sure there is one within an hour of where you live. They have regular meetings which you can choose to, or not to, attend, but more importantly, there are WIVES that will be able to sho0w her that this is not unusual, that there are others that have similar situations, and they can even show her the positives (and there are a few!) to having a CD husband. They can share their life stories, and help her to understand you better.
Consider this. What if she agreed to let you go to meetings dressed? What if you had a life? She never has to see you dressed... there are usually places that the clubs have to allow you to change, and you change back before you leave.
Before you thing that you are involving yourself with a bunch of perverts, let me assure you that this is far from the case. You will be amazed at what you can learn, how "normal" we all are... we all have jobs, wives, bills to pay, kids to raise. You have an alternative, dear.
If you don't rectify this by some other method, this will eat at her (in the absence of good information, people fill in the blanks... human nature) and she might look at other options.
Most importantly, what you have agreed to, for you, is not emotionally healthy. You will revisit this, again and again, and eventually want some way to be happy and accepted. YOU ARE NOT A FREAK, and in fact are a rare and unique person. Society is beginning to understand. There will come a day when you can understand, too! Give yourself a chance at a happy life. Good luck!

[Mayliis]

Hi everyone,

I don't know, am i enough old to take word of this topic but i'm agree with most of CD-ers here. CD-ing, being-feeling more or less female, woman instead of being man... It's something who YOU are. I'm also man, today, i'm not straight anymore, I'm Bisexual today.

Today I live together with my girlfriend, i have been together with different girls CD-ing is something what have been always part of me... You can Runa away for some time you can hide these emotions some time when you are totally inloved... but sooner or later it comes out...

I have done.. I have felt it long time. I didn' concentrate on it long time but i'm a bit sad that i have lost lot of time... because I really enjoy wearing high heels, acting like female... I triy more things since this year, This is who I'm and being here, in this forum, i can see so much frienly and sweet persons.

This is really the place today, i can be myself 100% nothing to hide. I don't know how far i go with this... but for me is a woman and being female very important. This gaves me felings what makes me happy...

Kisses,
Mayliis

[raleighbelle]

I really have to agree with what the others have said. Cross dressing is not usually just a simple choice people make. It is an internal drive, and is always there, though sometimes it is repressed and sometimes it is expressed. For many people, it is particularly strong when under stress. You can get rid of all your clothes, and you can suppress it for a while, but it will come back. I have been through that many times. I will bet that the vast majority of people on this site have at least once decided to stop, and purged all their things, and then could not resist the drive to do it again. Now, after 40 some years, I have finally decided to accept and even enjoy it (in the privacy of my own home), rather than constantly try to suppress it.

I am concerned for you about something else though, and that is your relationship. I understand your wife's concerns about your not having been honest about this before. But I think she needs to understand this is truly part of you. She should be more accomodating. Not that she has to participate or even see you dressed at all, but perhaps you can mutually set boundaries or times, or whatever. A good marriage requires good communication, and that kind of honesty and acceptance of each other is very important. But for her to ask you to give up something that is a part of you, not a choice you made, is unfair and will cause far greater problems in the long run. Especially when it is something that causes no harm to anyone else.

Good luck to you!

[Cara Allen]

Well, I don't think she is being mean, she is probably very scared about this... What she sees on Jerry Springer, etc...
Anyway, she deserves some answers. She feels like her guy is no longer a guy, or at least not the masculine guy she thought he was...

[Annaliese]

Cara Allen has given you good advice most of us here, have gone through what you are going through. I cant tell you how many years I have spent un-happy tring to hide who I am. I cry when I read post like this because I know the hell you are going through.

Good Luck

Anna

[Dayna]

Nicole,

If you and your spouse have agreed that your crossdressing cannot be a part of your lives, then quit. Resist the urges to dress. Throw away or donate all of your clothes and makeup. Get rid of anything else you have (jewelry, books, magazine articles, links to websites, etc.) that is CD-related.

Now, that being said: if you are still logging onto 'crossdressers.com' and you are reading this after agreeing with your spouse that you would quit, I don't believe you are ready to quit.

You can purge 'Nicole' (just as I purged 'Dayna' at least four times before) but as long as you come back to this site looking for advice, sympathy, validation, or whatever it is you are seeking, I think you will one day find yourself replacing everything you discarded.

My wife is not as accepting as many of the SOs I read about here; she knows what I do, but has no desire to see me dressed, to look at my photos, or to do anything else to encourage my expression. I am disappointed, of course, that I do not have anyone I can share my thoughts with, but that's just the way it is. I dress when I can without causing any disruption at home, and I never do anything that I would be embarassed to tell my wife about if she ever confronted me. It's not my ideal situation, but I respect her feelings just as she respects my traits.

If I had told my wife about 'Dayna' before we married (as I should have) she may have opted out... instead, I brought this into the marriage, and therefore I have to decide what is most important--and to some extent, everyone on this forum has to make similar choices.

I don't usually jump on my soapbox because I am far from an authority on anything, other than my own life. I wish you the best, and hope that you and your spouse live happily ever after...

[Sheri 4242]

You have been crossdressing to some degree, or at least known you were a crossdresser, since you were a child of what age? Twelve by what you indicate. You think you are going to reach an agreement with your spouse, purge, and that's that?!!! If everyone on here could have the money back on all of the clothes we've purged, we could probably feed a small third-world nation for a year. I'm not trying to be harsh, but the wife knowing and your so-called mutual decision is much akin to absolute denial of something that you can no more refute you are than you can the color of your skin, your anatomical sex, or the color of your eyes!!!

If I may be so bold as to suggest something, before you do anything with the clothes, you and your wife need to set up some sessions (plural) with a counselor who is trained and experienced in gender issues!!! As it is, you are taking a reactionary tact, which is never successful at handling the subtending issue!!!

You might be able to stop the crossdressing for a week, or a month, or a year, or ten years, etc., but every minute of however long that period of time is, you will be denying who and what you are, and that will be problematic to your ownself as well as to your marriage!!! Only through competent counselling by someone who is trained in gender issues will either of you be able to resolve anything satisfactorly!!!!!!!

Right now the major issue regarding your marriage is deceit and trust!!!

It's a vicious and expensive cycle. You can stop cross dressing, but you can never stop being a cross dresser. Nor should you want to.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions -- and NicoleY, your intentions may be good and noble, but listen to what the others are saying!!! First, you are definitely putting yourself into a vicious and expensive cycle -- most of us have been there, done that -- many times over!!! Getting rid of the clothes isn't going to take away what is part of your core being!!! This contrived form of "aversion therapy" won't work because of who and what you are!!! The thing that your wife and you are going to have to do is address issues of truth and trust -- and all the other components of a healthy and vibrant marriage!!! Start with truth and honesty -- and open communication under the guidance of someone trained in this specialized field!!!

[Victoria Anne]

Nicole I must agree with the rest of the ladies and gent here , you have been forced to give it up and this in time will only build recentment between you. Transgender is not a recreational activity it is an intergral part of who we are and thus we cannot just quit , please think very carefully before you act. All my best wishes for you in your descion.

[Dixie Darling]

There is an old saying: "You can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy." This is just as applicable to crossdressing. I DO respect the fact that you've made a decision to completely give up crossdressing and I wish you well in your attempt to do so. However, even though the physical material necessary to crossdress can be easily disposed of, the mental NEED to do so can't. What you can expect in the future is for this need to dress enfemme to return stronger than ever. I realize that's not something you or your wife would want to hear, but if you've read much in the archives on this forum and/or in other locations, you can understand that the statistics are very much against completely giving up dressing. In fact, age only increases the need until it finally comes back with a vengeance.

Since it was only in the past few days that your wife has discovered your need, as others have already suggested it would be a wise thing for the two of you to seek some reputable counseling and do some in-depth research before making any promises to each other which could turn out to be un-keepable in the years ahead.

Again, I wish you well in your attempts. At the same time, DO read the replies to your post here and try to learn from the experience of others who have already been where you find yourself now.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Ruth]

Nicole, I too came out to my wife not long ago. I did not suggest giving up CDing because I know just like the other ladies here that it's not a choice you can make. I am going to therapy and trying to integrate my CDing with our married life. There's some compromise involved on both sides but neither of us is committing to doing something impossible.
Please step back from this decision and wait a while. Get counselling if you can. If your marriage is solid it can include this.
God bless you both.

[melisss2u]

Time will tell if nicole made the right choice. we have all purged at sometime and sometimes it can be a more expensive mistake then others but it is amazing at the amount of boxes you accumulated while hiding this from your wife all these years

[Jennilouise]

When i was stayig with my parents for 4 months a coulpe of years ago i had to pack all my stuff away for those 4 months was ok but just after that i started to get a very big urge to dress again, but i was unable as they didn't know about my dressing. So i would strongly recommend that you keep your clothes and not give them away.

[Deborah Jane]

I came out to my ex 5 years ago, she wouldn,t accept it so i agreed never to CD again. I chucked everything out and we never mentioned it again. Unfortunatley we both developed resentment to each other, she, because i hadn,t told her before we married, me because she wouldn,t let me CD.We seperated 4 years later having been together 27 years! The point is, it isn,t that easy to just say "I won,t dress up again,ever! " The urges become too strong especially when you know you can,t do it!!!

[hunny67]

Hi nicoleY, ive read your post & all the replys.
I also urge you to keep your clothes even if it means putting them in the loft,
I also think some here are given you a hard time with their reply,s, you need to think this through alot.
I would never expect my SO to give CDing up. I was lucky that my SO had the guts to tell me after a month or two of knowing each other & i had already falling very deep even though i didnt tell him for a while (dont tell him that though lol) & never kept it a secret. So i guess what i am saying is dont be too hasty then regret it.

[Ermintrude]

I'm going to disagree with most of the replies here - with the exception of Holly.

NicoleY, you've already made your decision.

If given a choice between maintaining my marriage with this wonderful woman and CDing, I would choose my wife in a heartbeat without hesitation: and I am doing exactly that.

End of story - pack your clothes off to your local charity shop.

I appreciate your offer, if I was your size and on your side of the Atlantic I might even be tempted. But as no-one has expressed an interest then you've got to get them out of the house (and your life) as soon as possible. Failure to do so would be a betrayal.
You may have got away with it for seven years, but now that your wife knows what to look for you won't be able to hide it again for anything like as long.

There is a chance that the desire to CD again in the future will become strong. If that's the case, then that's when you should talk again to your wife or seek counselling.
Don't try and backtrack now - it could destroy your relationship.

Several people have pointed out that if you do return to CDing in the future, you would have to start again from scratch. But would that be a bad thing? Half the fun of CDing is the shopping.

Whatever happens, I wish both of you good luck.

[Daintre]

I have to agree with Ermintrude, you have made a decision and to me the best way to discard the clothes is to give it to Goodwill. You may regret this in the future, but my opinion is that we all have to go through a purging cycle at least once.

Good luck my friend, I hope all goes well for both you and your SO.

[racquel]

Put them in into goodwill.In the future when you are shopping there consider that the clothes you are looking at are ones that have just been donated by another like yourself,a novice cd'er who truly believed that all that was required was will power and a determination to "never again".
I wish you well.

[angelfire]

I have to say, and I don't mean to sound like I am being discouraging, but from what I have read here, and even some of my own experiences, the likelihood of you succeeding for the rest of your life in not dressing seems incredibly unlikely. I support the motion many of the others have given: See a councillor with your wife. Maybe you can work it out, or come to some sort of agreement.

Either way, I wish you best of luck.