Can I give away my clothes here?

[Rosaliy Lynne]

I can't tell you how much clothing I had thrown away over the years. Suitcases and boxes full of everything a girl needs. Now, here I am at 58 with a full closet and a life as a public and very real woman who is more real than the man she is built on.

I suppose you can give some stuff away or store it or something but, while I wish you luck, I am not sure you won't find yourself dressing yet again down the road.

btw: I successfully stopped dressing (so I thought) for nearly 8 years. The last time I gave it up the resolution lasted less than 24 hours.

Hugs and good luck.

Will see you dressed again some day. (I'm an optimist - you can run but you can't ever run fast enough to get away from you and who you are.)

[Miss Petra]

Hi Nicole,

I agree with what the other girls are saying but never the less I would rather see the clothes go to a good home than goodwill. I would like to donate them to a friend who is setting up a makeover /photography business for The CD/TG community. All could benefit from your generous gift.

I am able to pick the clothes up Saturday Afternoon.

I emailed you with all my contact info.

Hugz,

Petra

[Cara Allen]

I want to stress some things about the option for you two to get qualified counseling.

Purge or no-purge, your wife has no idea about what is going on, and this will continue to bother her. In some ways, she sees you as "cheating" on her (which you didn't) with yourself, and in a way that she probably perceives as perverted (and it is not.)

The large part here, is QUALIFIED counseling. Do not just pick a name out of the phone book. While most professionals have a modicum of info on transgenderism, many, many do not.

The reasons for making a good choice are as follows;

First and foremost, you want to get a fair shake. Over my years, I have had counselors that thought that 1) I was gay (actually, he was gay.) 2) I was a fetishist. The treatment for this is not pleasant, and is not even a little effective. 3) The thearapist, if unaware, will make poor or destructive choices for the both of you.

Secondly, if the counselor knows nothing about transgenderism, and she/he has any bones, she/he will want to learn. You do not want to pay someone for 5 sessions, so that she/he can learn about this. In the mean time, she/he can make it worse.

[DonnaT]

As you can see, Nicole, a lot of experience here with trying to quit and failing.

That does not mean you will fail.

However, talk to your wife and discuss that possibility. Tell her you are going to try very hard, but if you slip up, ask her to be understanding and not to be upset.

This way you won't have to hide it, should you dress again. You can be frank with her, and then try again to quit, if you both want that.

Just remember to be honest with her, and not hard on yourself, should you fail. The odds are against you because this is an integral part of who you are.

Don't let not dressing become harmful to your mental and/or physical well being.

Best of luck to you.

Now, take the clothes to goodwill. I doubt anyone will come around to pick them up.

[Veronica Fallon]

Just another lil' thing to consider...

If you do give in to her refusal of "meeting half-way", giving up your need to express your femininity, to her want for an easy comfort level, you may very well come to resent :mad: her for it over time. Just something to think about dear. Best of luck to you!

Hugz,

Veronica

[Cara Allen]

Just another lil' thing to consider...

If you do give in to her refusal of "meeting half-way", giving up your need to express your femininity, to her want for an easy comfort level, you may very well come to resent :mad: her for it over time. Just something to think about dear. Best of luck to you!

Hugz,

Veronica

I have to agree. Either way, without something changing this situation, all you are doing is burying this for a later time. I know this is scary, and I know you will do what you think is best.

[Tamera]

Just one Comment,

"They Always Come Back"

Purging is part of this lifestyle it seems, but is never permanant.

Hugs,
Tamera

[Charleen]

We'll be here when you come back. We won't judge either. Oh O.K., some might say told ya so, but we will welcome you back.

[KandisTX]

Lets see now. You've "talked" and YOU agreed to give up your crossdressing. Umm what is SHE giving up? Sounds to me like you are just bending over and taking it from her without question. You and she seriously should seek a qualified psychologist who has experience with transgendered people. (like was said you can't just pick someone out of the phone book).

You're giving up something that is very much a part of you and she gets what? A man who is not going to be himself because SHE made him give up something that is very much a part of himself. Yes, you may stop dressing, but it will be back maybe in a week, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, who knows.. but just remember it will be back.

Kandis

[switcheralso]

I can't even go a week without my clothing.

[Jennaie]

Just throw them in the dumpster. The pretty girl you are is inside you, not outside. It will, however, drive you absolutely crazy when you have absolutely no way to express her on the outside. Time will reveal this to you.

[switcheralso]

Hi Nicole,

I agree with what the other girls are saying but never the less I would rather see the clothes go to a good home than goodwill. I would like to donate them to a friend who is setting up a makeover /photography business for The CD/TG community. All could benefit from your generous gift.

I am able to pick the clothes up Saturday Afternoon.

I emailed you with all my contact info.

Hugz,

Petra

At least she knows how to get them back.

[Charlene Ogden]

....you've unleashed the dresser within, sister. Once it's out, all you can do is manage it.
....I'm more than a decade older than you and went down your road. My wife also caught me, I purged and I rebuilt my collection back again, very slowly after years.
The only way I've been able to curtail my dressing activities and keep my family is to change both my environment and my mind, slowly.
I've kept myself so busy with work and family that dressing naturally took a third place. By involving myself in non-dressing activities, I've begun the slow process of behavior modification. Yea, it sounds scary and very CIA-like, and counter-intuitive to our female "side". But, the bottom line is that it's not going to go completely away for you. If you're serious about quitting, you have to simply stop going to the online groups. Maybe work with a couselor. Don't engage yourself in dressing activities. Over time, like with me, your burning need to dress will diminish. When I was your age, dressing was the first thing on my mind.
I don't want to sound like a hypocrite because, after all, I AM on this forum and once in a while I still get the urge to be sitting at an outdoor cafe in hose and heels.
Yes, the urge hits me and like the stock market, I have cycles of ups and downs. BUT, over all, I've decreased the urge to dress by slow behavior modification.
Right now, I'm in a dressing cycle, but I'm able to control it to a manageable level as to not disrupt my family life.
Hope this helps.

[Jamie001]

You will find that it is not possible to stop. The best thing to do is to accept your feminine side and integrate it into you life. You will be much happier that way. Suppressing your feminine side will only cause you much grief and depression. I have tried many times and have been through a lot of therapy. Gender therapists will give you the same advice. It's not possible to quit. I have purged many tiimes and wasted a lot of money later acquiring the items that I gave away. First of all, you need to accept that "there is nothing wrong with you". Several hundred years ago. most men wore all of the items that women wear today including high heels, makeup, wigs, nail polish, etc. Having been through many very dangerous bouts of depression I would advise you to embrace youir feminine side. Therapists have told me this for years and I always fought it! The last bout of depression was almost the end. Since I have accpeted my fem side I am very happy and no longer suffer from depression. I know that I am not male and not female and that gender is a continium. It is a wonderful way to live. You cannot suppress who you really are! Trying to do so can only result in depression and failure.

Jamie

Kandis is correct. Is is not possible to stop because if you try to stop, it will eventually lead to depression and other issues. It is important for you to first accept that dressing is not a problem and that there is nothing wrong with you. You cannot suppress a part of you personality. I would encourage you not to make a "mistake" by suppressing your "true self". It can lead to sedvere depression, physical problems such as hypertention, and a suppressed resentment towards your wife for forcing you to give-up this part of yourself. I have been there many times and can tell you that your fem side is with you for the duration of your life and needs to be expressed if you want to be at peace with yourself.

Lets see now. You've "talked" and YOU agreed to give up your crossdressing. Umm what is SHE giving up? Sounds to me like you are just bending over and taking it from her without question. You and she seriously should seek a qualified psychologist who has experience with transgendered people. (like was said you can't just pick someone out of the phone book).

You're giving up something that is very much a part of you and she gets what? A man who is not going to be himself because SHE made him give up something that is very much a part of himself. Yes, you may stop dressing, but it will be back maybe in a week, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, who knows.. but just remember it will be back.

Kandis

[Marcie's GG]

as the wife of a CDer I have been in the same situation as you and your wife..don't do anything drastic until you are sure your wife really can't accept you..sometimes a wife needs a little time to process everything and if you have a good relationship it may still be possible for you to continue dressing. Marcie was an adjustment for me at first but but I truly love the person inside and how you dress doesn't change who that is..

I hope this helps

[Meeshell]

Nichole,
I too, have been through the purging cycles, and my wifes reaction when I told her was similar to yours. She needed some time and some understanding of what was really happening. She had to figure out for herself that I wasn't any less a man or any different than she had expected from me when we got married. And I know it's not PC but that I wasn't gay. This being said, that doesn't mean your wife will feel the same eventually. If you and your wife have truly decided that you shouldn't CD then get rid of the stuff and don't look back. I agree with alot of the posters, It's hard and your probablly going to fail, but that's no reason not to try. They are right, your not going to get rid of your desires but I strongly believe that a person can control they're behavior in relation to those desires with alot of effort and persistance. Failure or potential failure is no reason to stop trying. Hopefully your wife will understand your failures and realise your trying your best and be supportive. And who knows after some time and maybe a little education, she may change her mind like my wife did. Either way, If you love your wife, it's worth a try, isn't it? I'm pulling for you, good luck and I hope you can meet the challenge.

Meesh

**EDIT** Sorry. I didn't mean to be a little redundant but Marcie's post wasn't there when I started typing. I know, learn to type. Thanks for the post Marcie'sGG

Meesh

[Jamie001]

Meeshell,

I respectfully have to disagree with you. Yes, you are correct that a person can control the desires, but at what price? The price is depression, anxiety, and sometimes resentment toward your wife. That is too high of a price to pay! I have learned this through many years of therapy and have almost come to the end of my rope several times. Don't make the same mistake that I made. The only thing that you are doing is wearing clothing. Women wear men's clothing all of the time. You are not doing anything wrong. Don't let your wife convince you that you are doing something wrong. It is not possible to get rid of this part of yourself. First you need to accept that there is nothing wrong with you.

jamie

Nichole,
I too, have been through the purging cycles, and my wifes reaction when I told her was similar to yours. She needed some time and some understanding of what was really happening. Once she figured out that I am the same man she thought I was, she began to become curious about my CDing. She finally came to the conclusion that she liked my CDing in the bedroom(which is pretty much where my CDing stays) and began buying clothes for me and participating to the extent that it really turns her on now. But she had to figure out for herself that I wasn't any less a man or any different than she had expected from me when we got married. And I know it's not PC but that I wasn't gay. This being said, that doesn't mean your wife will feel the same eventually. If you and your wife have truly decided that you shouldn't CD then get rid of the stuff and don't look back. I agree with alot of the posters, It's hard and your probablly going to fail, but that's no reason not to try. They are right, your not going to get rid of your desires but I strongly believe that a person can control they're behavior in relation to those desires with alot of effort and persistance. Failure or potential failure is no reason to stop trying. Hopefully your wife will understand your failures and realise your trying your best and be supportive. And who knows after some time and maybe a little education, she may change her mind like my wife did. Either way, If you love your wife, it's worth a try, isn't it? I'm pulling for you, good luck and I hope you can meet the challenge.

Meesh

[Meeshell]

Jamie,
I agree with you, there can be destructive results often times when people suppress their urges but, and I don't mean to be argumentative, but these are things that people need to work through. To many therapists have convinced people that they should give in to their urges because of destructive consequences of suppressing them. True, sometimes the action is far less harmful or not harfull at all compared to consequence of supression but a person needs to learn to be the one in control of theirself not let their urges control them. What would happen if the alchoholism counselor gave the same advice. NOT that I'm saying it's the same thing, please. But the desires are just as strong. And I agree, his doing nothing wrong, but it is the desicion he made.

Peace
Meesh

And as a postscript I might add, If a person has made a decision to do something to help his relationship with the wife he loves, or anything for that matter he ought to have our support. Not just tell him it's impossible. He should be aware of the consequences of suppressing his disires true. And that failures are going to happen. But shouldn't we support him in any way we can. I.E. encouragement, education, comradary, even prayers.

just my and probably not worth that much
Meesh

[NicoleY]

*sigh*

First off, I would like to thank everyone for all the advices and helpful words. They mean a great deal to me and I appreciate each and every one of you.

My apologies to Miss Petra: I did not receive your email. I will be home pretty much all next week, so please email me again. NicoleY at charter dot com.

I do agree with most of you that CDing will not permanently go away. It is probable that the urge to dress will resurface sometime in the future. I do not have a problem with that, and my wife and I will deal with such events as they arise.

The funny thing is, that my wife is a very understanding person. Living here and having attended CSULB in the theatre department (my major for 3 years), we've come to know a lot of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and whatever the sorts people. As a matter of fact, one of my former roommates from the dormitories just revealed his homosexuality to us and we were very glad for it. We had a nice dinner, glasses of wine, and we were all very happy and congratulatory of him. She is generally accepting of the alternative lifestyles of people, at least that's what she thought she was.

During the discussion that night, she said that she was kind of in shock because she's never had to deal with such revelation at such a personal level. She knows that there are CDing husbands out there, and she praises their bravery as well as their wives who can successfully accompany those husbands. She has always thought of herself as such an accepting person: until that night. She is dealing with her own inner conflicts as well as her new discovery of Nicole. From that perspective, I understand her confusion and that she will need time to sort everything out. After all, isn't life filled with new discoveries and sorting out such confusions?

Anyway, as some of you have said, the decision has been made. Everything is sitting in a few boxes, ready to be taken out of this place. So Miss Petra, please contact me at your convenience. :0)

As for me, on the inside, I know that I am a crossdresser and that CDing is a part of me. But at the same time, I love and value my wife and the relationship that we've built over the past 7 years. Because I love her, and because I want to make us happy, I will resist to my best capabilities the urges to dress.

We watch movies and hear real-life stories of greater sacrifices that people have made for what they cherish: people giving lives for each other, taking punishment for each other, being generous for each other. The romantic part of me likes to believe that people make such sacrifices because they believe in something: a belief, no matter how big or small, that would inevitably bring harmony and happiness about them. I am, by no means, happy with giving away my clothes and stopping to dress. However, for the greater good, for the person that I cherish, for this wonderful relationship that we've built and worked so hard for, I am willing to make the sacrifice.

Who knows? Maybe in a few years, she will come to terms with my CDing history and would like to revisit. Maybe she'll begin to accept and embrace the idea.

She felt the same way about spicy Korean food. ;0)


Anyway, thank you all for your kind words. Good luck with everyone!

[Angie G]

Nicole good luck hun we will be hereif you are ever in need to talk if not God bless you and have a good life
Angie

[BarbaraTalbot]

Before I met Dee I was really heavily into unrequited love. It did make me feel good about myself to be the one in the relationship that loved enough to be selfless instead of just selfish. Denying my basic desires to elevate my love to some sort of higher plane.

Having unconditonal love at long last opened my eyes a bit.

We watch movies and hear real-life stories of greater sacrifices that people have made for what they cherish: people giving lives for each other, taking punishment for each other, being generous for each other. The romantic part of me likes to believe that people make such sacrifices because they believe in something: a belief, no matter how big or small, that would inevitably bring harmony and happiness about them. I am, by no means, happy with giving away my clothes and stopping to dress. However, for the greater good, for the person that I cherish, for this wonderful relationship that we've built and worked so hard for, I am willing to make the sacrifice.

I like the group Offsrping a lot.

Their song Self Esteem seems appropo. I laugh (at myself) at the parts I highlight below:

SELF ESTEEM

I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practiced all the things I would say
But she came over
I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert
Now I know I'm being used
That's okay man cause I like the abuse
I know she's playing with me
That's okay cause I've got no self esteem
We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
All this rejection's got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her so
When she's saying that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she's saying that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care Right?
Now I'll relate this a little bit
That happens more than I'd like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score
Now I know I should say no
But that's kind of hard when she's ready to go
I may be dumb
But I'm not a dweeb
I'm just a sucker with no self esteem

It does sound a like you two very much do love each other and CD-ing especially in secrecy may not do much to help build that bond. I think if her issue was the fact that you hid this from her, I could understand her angst.

Now I obviously don't know either of you and should bite my tongue. I can't help thinking though that I know lots of people that are very accepting of (fill in the blank: blacks, Jews, CD's, gays, the uneducated, the addicted, the poor, the hapless, the lepers, or whatever) but not in my family!

I have a neighbor who is an active in his chosen political party, a Jew, has OCD, like me has ADHD, feels strongly about minority rights. he and his wife are very active in politics and feels strongly that people of the opposing political party are keeping minorities down. Yet when he wanted to make a point about what it is like for him living next to me and snooping over the fence to look at all my cars., He said that I really should move and live amongst "those people in South Phoenix". There is no other way to take than to say this man is saying that only Blacks and Mexicans live like "that". I do a fair amount of work in that part of town because not everyone is eager to go there. I have found many homes down there much cleaner than I could ever realistically aspire to.

Who knows? Maybe in a few years, she will come to terms with my CDing history and would like to revisit. Maybe she'll begin to accept and embrace the idea.

She felt the same way about spicy Korean food.

When we met, we were lifelong members for several generations of opposing political parties. She now votes more often for the party of the man for whom I was named than I do.

So people definitely do change.

Your wife has every right and reason to be upset about you having anything that was part of a secret life that excluded her. I would challenge her on her "acceptance" apologize for causing her apprehensions, and state clearly what this dressing means to you. This pre-supposes that you know what it means to you. (I am not sure I do.) I strongly support you decision to purge for now, but I implore you to continue in some respect to examine your history with dressing possibly with the help of a qualified therapist, good friends, and preferably with the help and support (of understanding the why) of your wife.

Good luck and best wishes.

[Miss Petra]

Nicole tried to email you at nicoleyatcharterdotcom
but no luck. email returned Is this for real??

I may be having my doubts:mad:

[NicoleY]

Nicole tried to email you at nicoleyatcharterdotcom
but no luck. email returned Is this for real??

I may be having my doubts:mad:

AHH! I'm SO sorry.. NicoleY at charter dot NET... not dot com.

[Miss Petra]

Hi Nicole,

Ok sent email no bouncy this time so lets finalize this OK.

Petra

[ronni]

I just threw all mine in the dumpster when I decided I wasn't going to need them anymore.
Then I went out and bought new ones that I liked better!