Not TG After All

[maggie]

I haven't posted here in a long time and no longer attend support group meetings. Therefore, I wanted to assure people that I'm okay.

For some time now, Maggie has stopped being part of my life. Some of you may be curious to know why.

As I discussed in some of my previous posts, my creation of "Maggie" came at a particularly stressful time in my life, which stirred up issues dating back to certain childhood traumas. I originally intended Maggie strictly for theatrical purposes, but I then discovered that she relieved my stress offstage as well.

Although I insisted that I was simply an "actor" who occasionally performed in drag, just about everyone I encountered in the TG community urged me to accept the fact that I was inherently transgendered, that Maggie was the "real" me, and that there was nothing I could do to change this. This view was reinforced by articles on the Internet and by various professional experts whom I consulted. One of my therapists explicitly said she was only interested in helping me to accept and accommodate my transgenderism. For a while, I seriously considered transitioning.

However, I discovered that was not typical of the other TG's that I had met or that my therapists usually counseled, in that I viewed Maggie and my male self as being two totally separate and distinct persons. After much counseling and introspection (which I won't burden you with), I was finally able to understand and resolve the issues that had been bothering me as a man. Maggie had been a temporary quick fix to my stress, but now I see her as being both unnecessary and maladaptive. She is no longer relevant to my life. I am back to feeling happy and to loving myself as a man. I am interested in having a real woman rather than being one. I still think that Maggie was a great character and that I was very talented to have portrayed her as well as I did. However, I have no interest in continuing that performance.

I am writing this to give some closure to this episode in my life. I wish to emphasize that my experience is based on a unique set of circumstances that are specific to me, which may be totally inapplicable to the vast majority of transgender persons. I fully accept the fact that true transgenderism is a condition that people are born with and that probably can't be changed. However, it turned out that I was not one of those people.

My final message is that not everyone in the TG and CDing community has the same motivations as everyone else. Just because people try to convince you that you are transgender doesn't necessarily mean that you are.

Best wishes to all,

The Actor Formerly Known as Maggie

[Marla S]

Hi,

that's a very interesting story. Food for thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

Best wishes to you as well

[Alice B]

Have a good life, no matter who you may end up being.

[charllote34]

Take with you my best wishes and glad you have found some peace of mind x

[Julie York]

I think there is a great deal of role playing involved. I think that in many cases the female persona is a creation of the imagination rather than some deep down need, in the same way that childen play at being soldiers or princesses or whatever. It serves a purpose, feels good, and is a form of escapism and entertainment.

Obviously there is a huge range of reasons why people do this thing but the 'pretend' element is a big part I am sure. That's why many people are quite happy to be someone else for a while, but have no desire at all to be a full time woman or transition.

[RobertaFermina]

Wow No-Longer-Maggie!

I feel supported by your story.

I do not (yet) feel like a TransGender person, though I am feeling more identity-bending effects of consistent CrossDressing.

I see that you had moved into the GreyZone between Nature and Nurture in identifying as Transgender - coming to think that Nature compelled you into TG status, and finding that the idea was Nurtured by your peers and counselors. Then, somehow, you found your way to yourself, which was your way out of that zone and back to Masculine, Male Identity.

I am a member of a men's organization that uses powerful methods to raise deep wounding and cognitve distortions into consciousness, and return us to choice, ending the power of obsolete fears/prejudices and self-judgments to sabotage.

Perhaps you found a similar source of discovery and recovery?



I have jumped into the GreyZone (PinkZone?) with some intention yet I take your example of continuing to examine myself independently of the opinions of others.

I want my choice to be my own, and any "Revelations" to come from authentic, immediate, unmanipulated experiences.

I feel excited, nervous, and empowered that I can go forward, or turn about face, if that is what is true for me.

In Gratitude,

Roberta

[Sally24]

I am glad that you have found your way to some peace within yourself. I think that is what all of us are searching for, we just look in different ways. It's healthy for people to realize that each of us is different and comparisons between individuals and groups are not always accurate. We have different motivations and different goals. That is why the journey for each of us will be unique, it has to be!

Good luck and you will be missed. You are were one Classy Gal!

[Lisa Golightly]

Au revoir mon ami.

[Sharon]

I am writing this to give some closure to this episode in my life. I wish to emphasize that my experience is based on a unique set of circumstances that are specific to me, which may be totally inapplicable to the vast majority of transgender persons. I fully accept the fact that true transgenderism is a condition that people are born with and that probably can't be changed. However, it turned out that I was not one of those people.

My final message is that not everyone in the TG and CDing community has the same motivations as everyone else. Just because people try to convince you that you are transgender doesn't necessarily mean that you are.

Best wishes to all,

The Actor Formerly Known as Maggie

I'm just happy that you are happy, Maggie, no matter how you are dressed. That is what is important.

[Ruth]

This is very interesting but don't be too surprised if Maggie wants to come back some time and take a curtain call.

[Daintre]

Hello there Maggie, what a pleasing post you wrote. I am very happy that you were able to resolve your issues and can move on. Although we get a lot of members going and we see there subsequent return, In your case....I don't think that will happen...Good luck my friend.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Thats exactly my own sentiment concerning CDing. You describe the ESCAPIST type of CD. Us escapists do not have a "fem side" or feel that we are "REALLY women". We dress to get AWAY from both our REAL male selves ---get out of our identity, so to speak, and in doing so, leave our stresses and worries and "male responsibilities" and taboos at the wayside for a while, and unwind totally and relax. it is the ultimate stress releiver. I dare say at least HALF of us CDers are of this escapist type, although the TG/Fem sider CDers tend to be the most "vocal" and post more.

Ive noticed that a lot of fem siders think that we are ALL like them in a way, that we have have a "real female" self, but this is not so, some of us dress to become "NOT MALE" and "NOT ME" rather than to be come "a woman" or the 'real me". For escapists, Our "real me's" ARE male. And we NEED to get away from ourselves---and the benifits that brings.

[Angie G]

The best to tou in all you do in life enjoy it and gook luce hun if you ever wish to return you will be Welcome
Angie

[CharleneCD]

Whatever the decision, the most important fact is if you are happy in yourself. Just Dont discount Maggie too much. Even if you are not TG, she still provided the avenue you needed to find what was important within your life. Best of wishes, and dont be afraid to stop in and just say hi.

[docrobbysherry]

My goodness, Marina. U captured exactly what I am all about as a CD. Only u explained it more brilliantly and completely than I ever could. From now on, I'm an "escapist" CD.
RS

Thats exactly my own sentiment concerning CDing. You describe the ESCAPIST type of CD. Us escapists do not have a "fem side" or feel that we are "REALLY women". We dress to get AWAY from both our REAL male selves ---get out of our identity, so to speak, and in doing so, leave our stresses and worries and "male responsibilities" and taboos at the wayside for a while, and unwind totally and relax. it is the ultimate stress releiver. I dare say at least HALF of us CDers are of this escapist type, although the TG/Fem sider CDers tend to be the most "vocal" and post more.

Ive noticed that a lot of fem siders think that we are ALL like them in a way, that we have have a "real female" self, but this is not so, some of us dress to become "NOT MALE" and "NOT ME" rather than to be come "a woman" or the 'real me". For escapists, Our "real me's" ARE male. And we NEED to get away from ourselves---and the benifits that brings.

[docrobbysherry]

Maggie, I've often wondered if I found my SO, would Sherry completely disappear from my life? After reading your letter, I think she might!

[battybattybats]

I thought this way once. I was wrong and the desire came back 6 months into the relationship.

Always remember, you might be wrong about anything.
Good luck to you and I hope you remain happy, what ever your situation.

[goofus]

I haven't posted here in a long time and no longer attend support group meetings. Therefore, I wanted to assure people that I'm okay.

For some time now, Maggie has stopped being part of my life. Some of you may be curious to know why.

As I discussed in some of my previous posts, my creation of "Maggie" came at a particularly stressful time in my life, which stirred up issues dating back to certain childhood traumas. I originally intended Maggie strictly for theatrical purposes, but I then discovered that she relieved my stress offstage as well.

Although I insisted that I was simply an "actor" who occasionally performed in drag, just about everyone I encountered in the TG community urged me to accept the fact that I was inherently transgendered, that Maggie was the "real" me, and that there was nothing I could do to change this. This view was reinforced by articles on the Internet and by various professional experts whom I consulted. One of my therapists explicitly said she was only interested in helping me to accept and accommodate my transgenderism. For a while, I seriously considered transitioning.

However, I discovered that was not typical of the other TG's that I had met or that my therapists usually counseled, in that I viewed Maggie and my male self as being two totally separate and distinct persons. After much counseling and introspection (which I won't burden you with), I was finally able to understand and resolve the issues that had been bothering me as a man. Maggie had been a temporary quick fix to my stress, but now I see her as being both unnecessary and maladaptive. She is no longer relevant to my life. I am back to feeling happy and to loving myself as a man. I am interested in having a real woman rather than being one. I still think that Maggie was a great character and that I was very talented to have portrayed her as well as I did. However, I have no interest in continuing that performance.

I am writing this to give some closure to this episode in my life. I wish to emphasize that my experience is based on a unique set of circumstances that are specific to me, which may be totally inapplicable to the vast majority of transgender persons. I fully accept the fact that true transgenderism is a condition that people are born with and that probably can't be changed. However, it turned out that I was not one of those people.

My final message is that not everyone in the TG and CDing community has the same motivations as everyone else. Just because people try to convince you that you are transgender doesn't necessarily mean that you are.

Best wishes to all,

The Actor Formerly Known as Maggie

Golly, I remember so many times thinking that I wasn't *really* a crossdresser, that I could live without it, etc., but the desire always came back, sooner or later. I suspect the desire will return for you also, in one form or another. Come back and see us when it does

[Joy Carter]

I know things were tough on you in the past Maggie. I'm hoping this is a new chapter in your life that takes you to a better life.

"I'm not saying good bye. Just So Long."

[Sally2005]

Well, I'm happy to hear that you have figured out what what makes you happy.

I've been trying to find my answer for years. Recently, I've concluded that I have been suffering a great deal of stress and depression for many years and finally I'm having some success at curing it. I've always used CDing as an escape, but there is a part of me that is more than that, I think. What I wanted to say is that while being on anti-depressants I've found the desire to 'escape' is gone and also the desire to dress for escape is gone too. However, I still dress because it makes me feel good, but it is more like an adventure or challenge than a high like in the past. The other cool part is I have 'no fear' now... I think the drugs help me shop in the woman's dept. just like I do for auto parts without being nervous and I feel better so it is a lot easier to smile when out. I plan to involve my wife soon (better later than never), but no idea where the CDing will go (basically, I plan to let her know that I plan to experiment a bit).

So, if any of you feel sad a lot, go see your Dr., don't wait like I did. Maybe you'll find some answers sooner than later. I think therapists can help also, but you have to be ready to know what questions you need to answer.

[Vaerise]

My final message is that not everyone in the TG and CDing community has the same motivations as everyone else. Just because people try to convince you that you are transgender doesn't necessarily mean that you are.

Best wishes to all,

The Actor Formerly Known as Maggie

Well said. I am very happy that you have found the real you. A lot of us feel at odds with our identity particularly at stressful times and might have easily convince ourselves that we really are TG when we are not.

[Holly]

I'm glad that you are happy. Rather than goodbye, let's leave it at aloha. Have fun exploring your happiness.

[Paulette]

Maggie so glad that you have found a place in your life were you are in control and feeling happy. There are no abosolutes in this life and also no dress rehearsals. So the road you have traveled has been for a good reason and I wish you the very best in life. If you find that you are dressing again please do not fear coming back to the group aa we all love you and will care for you if you return.

[Joann0830]

I always said that we as CDMs have that little extra in the training of lifes lessons and that is not to judge anyone, as we do not want anyone to judge us and second to be able accept who we are as others find it hard to. I am very happy for you that have found out who you really are and that you are accepting who you are now, and will continue in that path. I Wish You all of the Very Best in Your Lifes Journey. Joann

[KarenSusan]

So long, Maggie, Godspeed.