Anyone Ever Feel Like Checking Out

[JaytoJillian]

I recently came clean to my SO--The only person I have ever told about my dressing. I had no choice. I was caught. At first she was open to it, but now, she says that she doesn't want to be with a crossdresser. She says I'm not a real man. She is also dying to tell other people about it (which is why I kept it from her for all of these years). Our relationship was rocky before my startling revelation, and to say it's taken a turn for the worse is an understatement. My CDing has become a lightning rod for what was already near constant criticism. She has taken to reminding me daily that "even if she were a guy, she wouldn't find me attractive" en femme.

I am so unhappy that I had a not-so-fleeting thought of just checking out of this life and seeing what would happen in the next one. Then I got a hold of myself and realized that I am not the problem. I am a good person and my heart is kind. Hearing the opposite from someone who is supposed to be closest to you can wear on you.

An example: Here I was, thinking of offing myself over her day-long tirade that began when I served our young daughter a frozen kid's meal. She launched into me with something about how that particular meal was supposed to used from two Saturdays from now and that frozen dinners are only to be used when she's in a pinch for time to make her life easier--she stays at home while I work and the kid goes to school all day-- somehow, by serving this frozen dinner, I was preventing her from getting to the gym, planning our retirement, scheduling someone to inspect the heating system, etc. She then took the time to place lables on everything in the house that needed to be put away, and the led me and my daughter on a "tour" of the house while ranting that if it were not for her, we'd live like pigs (nevermind the housekeepers just came a couple of days ago)... she labled the cordless phone, clean laundry, some toys a few pieces of mail, but trust me, this house was NOT in disarray. The madness continued for the remainder of the day and turned to my CDing late in the evening. I feel like I'm at my wit's end. We've had counseling, but she says that I "turn counselors against her" because I know how to say things a certain way. Is it just me, but aren't couselors supposed to be trained to cut through BS from either side of a couple?

Sorry, thanks for listening

Sad Jill

[Gisele]

Wow sweetie, I dont know what to tell you. I do know that the easy way out is NOT the answer! Just look at your daughter and think of what it would do to her to loose you like that.

If the couselor you two went to is not good enough for your wife tell her to pick one for the both of you. Just work hard to keep your relationship alive and well. Do what you have to do for your daughters sake.

If things get bad there is a way out and I hate to say it but it's divorce. Just keep your nose clean and dont give your wife any ammo against you.

I hope you keep your head clear and think ahead.

If you need to talk you can PM me anytime!

Take care and God bless, Beth

[Darlene Rochelle]

Jill,hang in there sweetie,sounds like she is full of herself.

[MJ]

been there done that got the bumper sticker ...and my ex did out me to everyone ... and please think about this .. the world would not be the same without Jill in it .. you have much to offer ..don't do it
regarding your S.O .. sometimes we grow apart and you may never do anything right in her eyes .. and the cding thing is just another weapon to use .. it human nature to put down what you don't understand...
but try for the children sake if all else fails then you may have on choice in this matter but try your very best ...
i wish you well Jill
hugs

[Jordan]

Always remember your daughter. Always be there for her. Sounds like your wife has other problems it sounds like she needs help

[Shelly Preston]

Checking out as you put as is never the answer

The solution may be diffiicult to find but you have to keep working at it

You know we will all do our best to support you with good advice

You may nned to see the counsellor seperately if she thinks the counsellor is taking sides or as has been suggested ask her to find one

I hope you manage to work this out between you

[Kate Simmons]

It's definately not you Hon, and there is definately more to this than CDing. I know people like this who have everything in their house marked,it looks ike the freakin Batcave God, I didn't think anyone could be that insecure but some folks live every last detail of their lives according to some schedule and if anything deviates just a little--whoops end of the world! Sounds more like obsession and compulsion to me.Don't you dare check out, you've got it together it seems to me. Besides I tried that a couple of years ago when I collapsed and had a NDE. I wanted to go home. The 'powers that be" said: "Nope, get your tail back there, you have more work to do, not time yet." Now, I am no respecter of persons or "powers" but said:"UM, okay, whatever!"So here I am back in the mix, like it or not. It's a tough job sometimes but somebody has to do it and I'm elected. Just hang in there Hon, I think you are doing okay in spite of things and I know you are doing your best.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Hang in there for your daughter. You have support and friends here, and contrary to what your wife said about you not being attractive en-femme. From your avatar you are very attractive.

[Amy Hepker]

You are not at fault and should never down size or belittle yourself. You are a wonderful person and probably a better one than your wife is as you can be open and sensitive about things. Be true to yourself. She is just trying to get you to stop dressing, don't do it, she will probably leave you or kick you out, but she was going to do that anyway, she has just found a reason for it now. Don't let it get you down, I went through this same thing with my now Xwife. My Xwife used to beat me phsically. Don't put yourself through this misery get out while you can still make something of yourself. Don't worry about what others think or say, just be happy with who you are. GOD LOVES you no matter what you look like. Be the you, you are inside and find the happiness we all deserve. Don't let others run or ruin your life, live your life the way you feel comfortable. Life is too short to live by someone elses standards.

Break free and live.

I went through hell with my Xwife, for many years, no it was not all bad the first 4 years, but the 12 years after that left me going grey in hair color. When I got out of that relationship my hair changed back to the black color and the grey was gone. If she really LOVES you she would not put you through hell. The courts will not these days ruin you for crossdressing.

Exscape before she ruins you!!!

[Katrina]

I thought about checking out daily (and sometimes hourly) when I was with my ex. Life got sooooo much better when we divorced. She sounds a lot like your wife with the long tirades about the house being in disarray. She never new about my CDing though - I'm sure she would have blown a gasket if she did. I'm not advocating divorce, especially since you have a child together, but if it is a choice between your life or marriage - keep your life! Marriage isn't supposed to make you want to off yourself daily.

[S. Lisa Smith]

All of the others have given you great advice! I don't have anything to add except my best wishes!

[kerigirl]

Checking yourself out is not the answer, as many others have said above. However, I think there is a serious problem here.

Most of us are well aware of the profiles of a 'wife-beating' man, thanks to endless publicity in the media, but rarely do we hear of the 'husband-bullying' wife, or the 'husband-beater', though they certainly exist. Assuming for a moment that your descriptions of her behaviour are accurate, your problem has little if anything to do with crossdressing, though this will undoubtedly add another item in her list of complaints against you.

It sounds as though this woman has some really serious behavioural problems, which will undoubtedly taint the lives of all those around her, including your young daughter. Perhaps you need to make some serious decisions about your immediate future, if you want to escape the tyranny of this bully.

Checking out of hell is a whole lot better than checking out of life.

[Patricia Peters]

Hi Jill

It seems to me that what your SO is expressing is control, and not love. If she can't accept your crossdressing, well, o.k. But to take it to the level of using an entire day to ruin for the whole family is odd to say the least and pretty much self centered.

Could it be that her problems are rooted in the fact that most things need to be about her, and no one else? I can't help wondering if her narcissism has been mentioned by therapists.

It isn't my place to analyze others, but if the issues are honesty and compassion towards others she seems challenged and you seem willing to become more that way.

Maybe you guys need to get away from each other, and from what you say that's happening anyhow. I feel for you and your child. I hope and jpray you have lots of support. I will pray for you in my weird little Buddhist way.

Love and happiness to you,
Patricia

[Billie1]

There's an awful lot of good advice posted above. Not much more I can add, but, here's
my 2% of a buck, anyway.

First, it sure doesn't sound like it's you, or CD'ing that's the source of the problem. As Salandra said, it sure sounds like there's an OCD problem present. "Labeling" stuff? C'mon, that is not normal behavior. The OCD may just be the tip of the iceberg, with a lot of other issues present. Somebody (and it's not you) needs some help.

Secondly, there's a child involved. No child deserves to be pulled into adult problems. Consider her welfare, and minimize the trauma that may well be carried for years, possibly skewing her outlook on life. Lord knows, it's difficult enough as it is.

Finally, there is life after seperation, I can personally attest to that. The final, irrevokable option mentioned is not an option. Simple as that.

Keep, and take comfort in your faith. I wish you the best.

[christina marie]

no leaving, you have work to do here. you brought a child into this world and you owe that child a parent, and a good one. wives,SO's,GF's, whatever are replaceable( sorry if that sounds cold, please take it in context) but a childs life is NOT! my ex screwed everyone on the block but me, and when i finally had enough, i took my daughter and left. took me 5 years of being in court every 30 days, cost me untold amounts of money, and heartache, but my daughter is still here in my house,safe and sound! if i can do it,anyone can. you just have to want it bad enough. you are the only one who knows if your marriage is worth saving or not, we dont have to live in your shoes, so our opinions about that dont amount to much. if it can be fixed,great, if not yours is not the first. bottom line she needs her daddy now and forever, please dont forget that!

[melissacd]

Jill,

I can so relate to what you are going through. Just read through my history of posts from the first one's that are still online (2005ish) through 2006 and you will see the process that I went through and the pain of trying to get someone who will not understand to understand, it does not work. If a person is unwilling to see they will not see. At some point you will learn to accept this as many of us have had to do. There are many wonderful people in this world who do not need convincing that you are a better person because of your cross dressing.

Be happy with who you are and the wonderful gift that you have. If you can accept this gift the rest will not always be easy but you will know the direction that you must go. At the end of the tunnel there is a light and it is not a train or an out of body experience, it is the realization that you are a beautiful person just the way you are and the light is the glow from that realization.

Huggs
Melissa

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

[kymmieLorain]

Jill, hon from what you are saying it seems like you just need to do the big D. Your spouse sounds like a real B. It may be hard on your daughter but also think of yourself. You wouldn't be doing your daughter any good if you did the big quit. I would seriously look into it, but I would keep a record of all the crap your wife is giving you, at work, preferably so if you decied to seek custody you have ammunition for the battle.
I have thought about the big out many many times not over CDing( thank god) but other things, but the only thing that kept me breathing is my family, and the thought of what my loss would do to them. Before doing anything like that think about your daughter, your parents, your siblings, your friends.
Don't do it over your wife, she isn't worth it. Send her ass packing, it seems like you pay all the bills. so take her off your bank accounts( or open a new accout in your name, and put your money there), cancel her CCs, when she is at the gym put her stuff on the porch, and change the locks.
You should find a counceler for just you.

Kymmie

[AmberTG]

I have to agree with some of the others,if you're thinking of checking out, check out of the marriage! Take your lumps from the divorce and get on with your life. You've done what you can to support her and still have to deal with a control situation. Like MJ said, been there, done that, got the bumper sticker!
Her position toward you is control, not love. It's a harsh way to live, you'll never be able to do anything right for her. I guarentee you she'll out you in a divorce proceeding, but don't let that stop you if you decide to go that route, just make sure you have a good lawyer that will fight for you, and don't let the CDing become a pivot point for the divorce, it's not about that.

[paulaN]

Girl get the he** outa there. And take your daughter with ya if you can.

Don't check yourself out check out of that mariage.

When I saw your post for the first time the other day I said WOW! what an avatar and I checked out your profile.
Don't let your wife fool ya your hot.

Don't take the abuse any longer.

[Veronica 1]

Hang in there, Jill. Divorce may seem scary with the possibility of losing your daughter but it is definatly better than checking out. Get the ammunition you need on your dictator wife and talk to a good lawyer. Tell him everything and do not hold anything back. You might end up with custody of your child and have a long loving life ahead of you.

[Melinda G]

I'll get straight to the point. It might hurt temporarily, but you will be a hell of a lot happier, with this woman out of your life! Forget the counseling. Get away from her! She will continue to drag you down, as long as you are with her. And don't ever "out" yourself to anyone again! If you ever get caught again, just say you were curious, and wanted to see what it was like!

[Stephanie Anne]

I was married and had a child. My wife learned of my crossdressing and it fueled and already doomed marriage. I was in pieces for a long time.

I also lived with my girlfriend at the time for over 5 years. She is a very open person, except when it came to me and crossdressing. After we broke up and moved out, I spent nearly a whole year feeling like ending my life, until I decided to learn to accept me for who I am I have been a better person ever since.

Sometime the worst things in our lives lead to the peace we have long sought.

Oh and on a side note, my ex-girlfriend I mentioned is still my closest and longest friend. She still does not like what I am doing (more out of care than out of repulsion) but knows and still loves me regardless.

So I can understand the need to be loved and accepted and the pain that comes with losing that. Let me tell you that while my life is still chaotic some times, I would not give up my past experiences for anything, they taught me a lot about myself.

[Joanne_'jojo']

Firstly, hang in there. You'll see from other posts here that others have been through very tough times only to emerge stronger, and your daughter probably needs you more now than you realise.

There are many definitions of domestic violence, and many do not involve physical abuse. As a wise policeman once said there are always three sides to any story. From your few simple words here I think that this qualifies as domestic violence, mental cruelty is often worse than physical abuse.

Offering to let your wife select a counselor, is also good advice and may offer a way to work out some of your differences, however its seems like she has a preset view of what she expects from counseling.

I would be seeking some legal advise and looking at the possibilities of getting custody of your daughter.
I know that divorce is never an attractive option, but should your wife decide that is where she wants to go, then at least you'll be prepared and maybe able to protect your daughter too.

Protect your daughter, and yourself. Life has an uncanny way of changing for the better in ways you'd never imagine.

Joanne

[Legs]

Jill,

I am new here and unfortunately don't really know you, but read this thread and felt I had to contribute.

What you thought about doing is a :

"Permanent solution to a temporary problem."

You have at least one child, that alone should tell you there is something in this world worth living for..smiles.

Now as for your wife, hun I was married to one of those type of woman once, and trust me if it were not the CD thing it would be something else, so let me give you something to stick in her face...

The next time she makes a remark or gets on your ass about this simply tell her this..

You know what, I do this for several reasons,

1. There is only room for one man in this house and since you want to wear the pants I think it is only fair I get to wear the dress.

2. I happen to like it.


Hun, not sure how long you have been married to this woman, but trust me if you think about it, she was like this long before she knew about your CD thing, this is only one more excuse she is using to wear you down.

As for turning counselors against her...well some people can be helped and others ??????????????????



Good luck

Legs (Samantha or Sam)

[Veryvicky]

Your wife sounds alot like my Ex-wife, I couldnt seem to do anything that she suddenly expected to be done yesterday. No matter what we did together or what I did for her or for us it just wasnt good enough. Counseling can work but its a two way street there, both parties have to work at fixing the problems. One can not say, well I am not the one with the problem, because, they may very well be the one with the problem. I know in my case, I just wasnt the one she wanted to be with anymore so now she gets to see what its like without me. Not that I am saying you should go and split from your wife, sometimes I think that people in a relationship forget to care and to support their loved ones ...no matter what.