So.... why DO you hide it?

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Hi again, girls...

Hers is another of those "UH-OH! Zara's doin too much thinking again" posts.

I've been involved with this for over 10 years now. Small potatoes based on what I've read in these forums recently, but in that time, I've come to learn and grow as an individual because of what I've experienced, witnessed and read. Maybe its the Psychology student in me.. but I'm always curious.

So many threads about having to tell ones S/O about their secret. So much pain that I see people endure either before, during, or after their revelation to those around them.

This question is particularly for the MARRIED/or about to BE, and CLOSETED Crossdressers. It is merely to know more about your mindset, not to judge, ridicule, or to put you on the spot. It is presented in the past tense as well as future tense.

When you go about your days as a single person and exploring your femme side, you KNOW that it is possible that you will someday meet the right person to (presumably) share the rest of your life with. Knowing that you are already a crossdresser... why won't you/why didn't you tell them before you get/got married?

[LindaMarie]

It's a great question and I suspect everyone has different answers. Here's mine:

I've crossdressed off and on since I was about 12. For a long time, I was very ashamed of crossdressing and felt guilty. I thought that wanting to dress made me some kind of pervert. I knew my parents would be shocked if they found out (this is the 1960s and early 1970s). I'm sure I was right. Even now, I don't want them to know. It would just be too much.

I was very shy and unsure of myself with girls. I noticed that when I had a girlfriend or at least was less shy, the desire to dress lessened. I felt like the more success I had with girls, the less I needed to dress. I think that was somewhat true and, in any case, if you believe something to be true, it's more likely to be true.

I continued to date and overcome some of my shyness. I noticed I still enjoyed crossdressing from time to time, but since I was at college and living in dorm, I didn't dress. I'd fantasize about dressing sometimes, but it wasn't an every day thing.

After college, I went through periods where I would dress a bit more. I finally got my own place and would sometimes dress there. It was so nice just to be able to have my own clothes. Still, I was often ashamed and guilty and went through several purges (I've lost some really cute clothes and shoes that way).

I was dating an amazing girl who would later become my wife. After a long time dating, we decided to get married.

I had never told her anything about my crossdressing and thought she would think I was a pervert if she found out. This was 1980 and for the younger girls, you wouldn't believe how much less information and support was available then. The only things I read about cds in newspaper articles that stressed the flamboyant lifestyle they led or in the occasional Dear Abby letter where Abby (to her credit) didn't ridicule crossdressers. However, if someone pointed out a Dear Abby letter about crossdressers, it was always in a mocking way.

In this atmosphere and given my past history, I "knew" that once we were married, the desire to crossdress would go away. Once we were engaged, I think I crossdressed only once or twice and went through a final purge.

I felt bad about keeping this secret from my wife. I decided to talk to a priest about this. I asked him that since I knew my urge to crossdress was gone, did I need to tell my fiancee about my past. He said if I really felt that I wasn't going to crossdress any more, I didn't need to tell her.

For those of you who have read this far, you're probably thinking that that priest and I were kidding ourselves. In fairness to my priest, I don't think he knew much about cds (outside those of us who do this, who still does?) and just wanted to provide comfort to me. At some level, I must have known that marriage wouldn't completely suppress my desires but the story I had always told myself about using crossdressing as a replacement for a real relationship had become somewhat true to me.

So, I didn't tell my fiancee. There was no need. My crossdressing was over. Nothing good would have been gained by her knowing.

Of course, the feelings did come back and eventually, I did tell my wife (badly, but that's another long story). Although my wife doesn't like my crossdressing, she understands why I didn't tell her before we got married. Would things have been better now had we talked about it then? I'm not sure. Maybe we wouldn't have even gotten married. Although we've had our ups and downs, I can't imagine not having shared the last 26 years together.

I'll be interested to read other replies to this thread. Thanks for raising such an interesting topic.

Linda

[Joy Carter]

I stopped dressing at age thirteen and didn't dress until a few months into the marriage. I told her but she refused to listen. So I dressed in secret for all our married life until last year. I can say she now knows that had she faced this early on, we would have been much happier. Something she really ad-mitts to. Not that she's thrilled about it. Just acknowledges it's a part of who I am.

[Raychel]

Great question!

When my wife and I were dating, we had some troubles, We did alot of fighting, why we stayed together I can't tell you. I told her some things that weren't 100% true to hide my dressing from her. I guess I was afraid that she would tell her parents or even my parents.

So I hid it from her for almost 15 years. Then after finding this forum and listening to some oif the other stories. I decided it was to to tell her about the real me. There were some rough time afetr I told her. But not we have a pretty good life. Very hectic at times, but overall a pretty good life. I am glad that we stayed together thru those rough times. Now she is a true friend, Standing by my side thru the good times and the bad. And I am not afraid that she will go running off, if I tell her what is really on my mind.

She truely has turned into the love of my life.

[Laurengrl01]

It's a great question and I suspect everyone has different answers.

Yes, very thought provoking Lady Z.
Linda, I can identify with many aspects of your story (nicely conveyed). I too am from the 60's/70's; with all the negative connotations... my parents would have fliped out. I was also quite shy myself and didn't start dating until college. After college, I started working for a hospital. There are so many GG's all around. Now that I had some money, my wardrobe increased. Then one day, I met that one girl. Everything clicked and I lost all desire to dress. I did a purge and thought it was all behind me. We dated for nearly three years and never did I think about dressing. I thought I could remove this character trait or at least control it. After being married for about seven years and two children latter, the urge to dress returned and I can't explain why. I thought "Oh no, this isn't happening... I have to supress it". The more I tried to supress it, the stronger it got. By this time, I was many years into the marriage, many good friends, church groups, colleagues and both of us with good incomes. She never had a clue (and still doesn't); I continue to search for a way to tell her. What little I've touched on the topic, she is extremely against this.
For those that have not made the mistake yet... I've said it a few times here and I'll say it again. You probably cannot control this, it will resurface again. DO NOT enter into a relationship without discussing this. Better to lose a little (not to make light of losing a relationship) in the beginning, then risk losing everything latter.
Since no time has presented itself as "a good time" (it looks unlikely there will be one, at least for a while), I'm thinking of seeing a theripist... but that won't happen either, until my daughter graduates from nursing school and I get her in where I work.

[Jammie 3]

Hello lady z.Very good ?.Ican say my s/o does know and has known since day 1. I've been blessed with her understanding,she helps me alot,she's one of a kind! I'd love to go out in the world dressed, but in my my little corner of the world its not something to take lightly.I guess what I'm saying is I wouldn't want to endanger our normal everyday way of living,as I know it would be a major life changing decision to go public.I guess for now,I just don't want to make her life any harder than it needs to be,because she loves me the way I am.

[melissacd]

I did not tell her at the beginning because I loved her so much that I thought that I could give up cross dressing (and in fact I did for almost 14 years) but in the end I was unable to stop. So in effect I thought there was no need to tell her because I never planned to do it again and somehow I knew that she would react badly to finding this out (and she did).

In therapy she told me that I betrayed her by not saying anything at the beginning. I stated that I did not tell her because I thought that I would never do it again. I asked her what she would have done at the beginning if I told her about this side of me that I would never do again and she said that she would have left me right there on the spot. I said to her that that was the reason that I did not say anything, why would I risk a love interest for something I never planned to do again. Her response haunts me to this moment...because you never gave me the choice to decide what path in life I wanted to take...what she was saying was that my non-disclosure affected the path that her life went.

Now the first 15 years together as a couple were pretty good, pretty normal. From the point she found out, to this day (over a decade) life has been very tough because she has such a binary notion of gender and to her gender lines are not to be crossed. In retrospect I guess I should have recognized that at the very beginning and thrown my cards on the table. Better to have found out at the beginning and end it there than to crash and burn 25 years later.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Ditto, Ditto. All I have to add is the phrase "Coping Mechanism". I dressed from very early and had 3 brothers. Showing any "unmanly mannerisms" was to invite a beating. I developed a very good system of Disassociation ,(What I'm totally boy) , and denial, (I'll never do that again). I kept these going until way into our marriage. The sudden loss of these little helpers at 48 yrs old has left me confused and my poor wife in shock. Please don't take this as an excuse. I know what I have done and how bad it was. This seems to be pretty common story here, later in life coming out. Hopefully the Internet helps more young CD/TV/TS come to understand themselves early on.

Thank you for sharing this Jill. There are no right or wrong answers to my query, and I'm not here to "judge" anyone...only to become more in formed about this area of some of our lives.
We see all too often the painful threads of someone coming out after "X" amount of time being married. We see our friends struggling with keeping it all inside out of fear, shame, and maybe guilt (perhaps a combination of all three).
The answers thus far are incredible to me, because some of them I had not considered before. Therefore I can understand through becoming informed instead of asking myself (as I am sure GGs have done when they find out)

"WHY did you not say anything?"
"WHY did you hide this thing from me?"

I also hadn't considered the generation gap. Since I came into this in the late 90s I consider myself very lucky to have had MORE information available through books, support groups and the internet vs those of you who grew up in a time where this was EXTREMELY taboo.

As one poster stated above, there was also the "it went away for a LONG time" once they married so there was no reason to really bring uit up. I can understand that.

Keep the answers coming as we ALL gain something from your insight

*much Love n hugs*

Zara

[aprilwall1977]

I was afraid she would not marrie me. I would of been right she dose not want to see me dressed or want me to. And back then 1977 evrybody thougt you as gay or some kind of freak nit saying they dont now days.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

I was afraid she would not marrie me. I would of been right she dose not want to see me dressed or want me to. And back then 1977 evrybody thougt you as gay or some kind of freak nit saying they dont now days.

Are you still married to her?

[Nadia-Maria]

Why do you hide it ?

First of all, I believe it is a matter of personality. Some people are very confident in others and do not hesitate to come out to others with whatever private information on their own. Other people are much more cautious and do not divulgate willingly private information, if not indispensable.
Both behaviours have their pros and their cons.

It is certainly not the only explanation to hide CDing.
Here is my story.
I am very introverted and, as a rule, I am rather the secret person.

As a child, I used to dress furtively using the skirts and bras of my mother, and used to dream I were older and would live single at my home to be free to dress as long as I want, using my own wardrobe, without that extreme fear of being caught by someone.

Finally the dream turned into reality ! I had a job and enough money to live of my own. Then, I had lived single for many years, as an happy CDer, if not as a really happy man.

I had always believed I would stop CDing as soon as I would have a stable relation with a GG.

So, when I finally get married, I purged my wardrobe and believed it was meaningless to mention to my wife I had been a CDer before.

2 to 3 years later, the quality of the relation dropped (my lazy wife had married me only for my money) and I had to seek consolation in closet CDing again. It was to late to come out to my wife about CDing, since a confrontational divorce was obviously to expect in the future.

After the divorce, I had not yet understood that my CDing would never stop.
I believed it would disappear, if I discovered the proper person to live with.

As a consequence, when I entered a serious relation, I did not mention to my new SO/GG I had been a CDer. And eventually I quasi-stopped CD in the first years. Now, we have lived together for 5 years, all is OK between us but the fact that I have recently understood that my CDing would never cease.
Moreover telling her now I am a CDer would be extremely risky for the relation, certainly putting my SO at much trouble, since she is very far from being open-minded as for the TG phenomenon.

I am now convinced the best thing to do is to mention CD at the very beginning of any serious relation.

However, when it has not been done on time, I believe it is not always the best choice to do it after several years. It's a matter of appreciation, depending on several factors such as the intensity and frequency of CDing among others.

Nadia-Maria

[Jazzmine]

The list of reasons why you would hide being a CD is almost endless.
The reasons why you would tell someone are counted on one hand.

In a practical sense, the more you want to dress the more compelling the argument to tell your partner. Remember though, it's perfectly reasonable and acceptable for people to have interests that are private to that individual. Women don't tell their men everything, contrary to what they say here on this forum. They buy things that "he" never knows about. They won't tell you about "everything" they did with previous lovers or compromising positions they have ended up in because they (some) are serial flirts. They also keep their sexual fantasies in the closet. Should we know all of this? Do we want to know all of this? No! I can do without it thanks just the same! But if you knew some of it you may choose to be with a different partner. Secrets cut both ways!

Since women in general are unaccepting of CDng (a fact not a judgement), why would you rush to tell them? Everyone should assess their own history, confidence, behaviour, intentions, and partner on an idividual basis before telling about their CDng. The downside risks are too great to do otherwise. E.G. if you dress once every 2 months, why tell anyone this? If you dress every day/week then you should definitely tell your partner, the earlier the better!

Hugs Jazzmine

[Alandra]

When you go about your days as a single person and exploring your femme side, you KNOW that it is possible that you will someday meet the right person to (presumably) share the rest of your life with. Knowing that you are already a crossdresser... why won't you/why didn't you tell them before you get/got married?

I guess, if we all thought about it, we WOULD tell our significant others very early in the relationship. But it wasn't about thinking. It was just complete & total fear. And once the fear really sets in thought is pretty much impossible.

We met, sparks flew, it was exciting. It was exactly what I wanted. And I couldn't even consider telling her at that time in 2001. I had spent 20 years hiding this from EVERYone. At all costs. Why should my significant other be any different?

I don't expect it to make SENSE, proper. But like I say, when you're acting out of fear...

TAC

[susiej]

Hmm, seeing a definite pattern in these posts:

1. Introverted young man gets into crossdressing, thinks it's a sexual practice, a "coping strategy" for not having a GG in his life.

2. Finding that special GG at last, he figures, that's it, I can throw out my girl clothes, draw a line in the sand and move on. And, having a real GG to play with is a lot of fun, and for a while, all's well.

3. Time passes. Calendar pages fall off.

4. He finds that crossdressing is not only, or not truly, a sexual practice -- it's more basic to his wiring than that. Sooner or later, the pressure gets too great to resist. But, its years later, he didn't tell her early on, because he didn't think he was going back. He's stuck with the "why didn't you tell me" problem.

I also married at a time, and to a girl, that would have made discussion of my crossdressing passion totally impossible. I'm really stuck. But I do strongly encourage others to realize, as has been said many times here, it's not going away, and wot th'ell, she might actually enjoy having you as her sometime girlfriend! Tell her!

Hugs,
Susie

[marny]

A. Didn't know when I married.

B You are a poet. Please write more!

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

I guess, if we all thought about it, we WOULD tell our significant others very early in the relationship. But it wasn't about thinking. It was just complete & total fear. And once the fear really sets in thought is pretty much impossible.

We met, sparks flew, it was exciting. It was exactly what I wanted. And I couldn't even consider telling her at that time in 2001. I had spent 20 years hiding this from EVERYone. At all costs. Why should my significant other be any different?

I don't expect it to make SENSE, proper. But like I say, when you're acting out of fear...

TAC

Yes, FEAR can be an intimidating motivator, so I understand completely. As I said above... there are no wrong answers

[Raychel]

Hmm, seeing a definite pattern in these posts:

1. Introverted young man gets into crossdressing, thinks it's a sexual practice, a "coping strategy" for not having a GG in his life.

2. Finding that special GG at last, he figures, that's it, I can throw out my girl clothes, draw a line in the sand and move on. And, having a real GG to play with is a lot of fun, and for a while, all's well.

3. Time passes. Calendar pages fall off.

4. He finds that crossdressing is not only, or not truly, a sexual practice -- it's more basic to his wiring than that. Sooner or later, the pressure gets too great to resist. But, its years later, he didn't tell her early on, because he didn't think he was going back. He's stuck with the "why didn't you tell me" problem.

I also married at a time, and to a girl, that would have made discussion of my crossdressing passion totally impossible. I'm really stuck. But I do strongly encourage others to realize, as has been said many times here, it's not going away, and wot th'ell, she might actually enjoy having you as her sometime girlfriend! Tell her!

Hugs,
Susie

I think you pretty much nailed it Suzie.

[Jasmine Ellis]

i'm married yes she knows and she is on here we are happy and she buys clothes for me too
I go out as Jasmine do shopping as Jasmine I love it when men open shop doors and wait until i go in before they go out

[Kate Simmons]

It depends on the situation and the people involved. Sometimes young people don't think straight. I felt if I told her, I would lose her. I told her after two years of marriage despite my fears and the next 25 years were rocky. I then came out openly and she eventually left. I know better now with 20/20 hindsight. I just need the chance to prove it.

[fireandlace]

I hide it because it would have a terrible effect on my job if I was found out. My marriage hasn't been all I wanted it to be, both of our faults, so I don't think I can trust her with the knowledge. I have had a close call or two and there are sometimes when we are really getting along well that I think I can. In fact I have almost confessed or have almost put myself in a position to be "caught" during those times. Unfortunately those times don't last long and I am reminded of why I hide it.

[EDNA]

Yes! There are Female Mates and a Male wents to have as a Mate. That are Brainwashed. To feel that way. While there are others. That have no problem. With thier mate Crossdressing and live very happy together. That is what I call TRUE LOVE.

I have never been married, but was almost.

Read my story. Years in Vegas and added THE FACTS.
[That is one the same page.]

[JoAnnDallas]

I am 60 and thus grew up before the Internet and such. Also my family was very religious (Baptist) and my wife is a devote Catholic. I grew up feeling that dressing as a woman was wrong and when I died I would end up in Hell. So even when my wife and I got married, I kept it secret. Like most of us, I love my wife and did not want to lose her or have my family think I was a pervert of something. Then in 2005, I had the chance to dress almost everyday for four months, discovered these forums, and Tri-Ess. All of these have helped me come to terms with myself. I know I will always be this way, I no longer live denial, shame, or fear. When I found that I could go out in the public dressed as a woman and was accepted, I knew I had to tell the wife and now she knows. I was surprised how well she has responded, being a devote Catholic and all. Now my older sister suppects, since she has made comments to my wife about it. I am also suprised that my older sister has not gone over it which pleases me. I can do some fem things openly but wife says she is not ready to see me fully dressed and I can live with that. We made an agreement that I could have a Saturday afternoon to do my thing and so far that is fine with me.
I have come to the conculsion that today it is easier for us than it was 40-45 years ago.

[kassandra richard]

Like Marny said, I would not have identified as a CD when I got married. At one point I was more concerned that I might be bi, and I had an addiction to porn that I let my wife know about before we were married. And that led to some rather rocky points in our marriage. It wasn't until a couple of years in that opportunities arose which would confirm that I was probably a crossdresser. That and finding some really great personal web sites like Lowla's Lair That was ten years ago (sorry Lowla) and actually resulted in me going out to function en femme

It's only in the last four years that I would say my CD'ing has really blossomed. So it would have been impossible to tell my wife about my CD'ing before our marriage because it wasn't a significant factor at the time.

Kassandra

[Vivian Best]

[SIZE="2"]Zara, I think you have an excellent question! Its just 48 years to late for me!!!![/SIZE]

[KatieC]

When you go about your days as a single person and exploring your femme side, you KNOW that it is possible that you will someday meet the right person to (presumably) share the rest of your life with. Knowing that you are already a crossdresser... why won't you/why didn't you tell them before you get/got married?

Ah, but that's the rub! I didn't know I was already a crossdresser. I thought I had a minor lingerie kink that was only there at all because I was lonely (my fiancee and I were apart for most of the 3 years of our engagement) and that it would go away once we were finally married. I was pretty successful in (almost) totally repressing it for over a decade of married life, too.