I Have A Dream (To Coin A Famous Phrase)

[melissacd]

I have been a cross dresser for more years than I care to admit. I have gone through the typical cycle of gathering, wearing, guilting and purging. To this day I remain in the closet and have never really attained any level of skill in creating a female look for myself.

Over the last few years I have spent many hours reading stories of other cross dressers and looking at pictures of some who have achieved an extraordinary level of dressing success. I have to rub my eyes and do a double take, the illusion is so complete.

I have often wondered what it would be like to reach that nirvana and I honestly don't know if it will ever happen for me. All of my life I have accepted my masculinity as a part of who I am and have fought hard to suppress a part of me for which I have felt much guilt and shame. I know that that is a very common story for many of you.

I am starting to really believe that this feminine ghost that haunts me is really a part of who I am. I have heard many of you say that in the past but I have never believed it for myself. This is not to say that I am comfortable with it yet, but I am realizing that it is a part of who I am. I have to accept it and perhaps then I will reach peace with it.

I have strong traditionally male tendancies, no question about that, I can be very aggressive, very egotistical and self centered , very emotionally distant. Yet I find that there is a softer side of me that wants to express itself, to get out. A part that is most symbolized by frills, lace, satin, sheer materials, vivacious colors, sensual things.

Of late I have started collecting paintings, prints, figurines and books all with a more feminine flavour. I have collected a great deal of feminine imagery of women from the 1600 through late 1800s. I have found myself wanting to read more things written by women from the present and back through history. I have found myself wanting to see the world through a different set of eyes. A more feminine set of eyes. A more emotional, nurturing, softer, gentler, intuitive viewpoint.

It is still difficult to express these things to the world in my male persona. Men like this are still labelled flamboyant, limp wristed, effeminate, gay...there are a variety of labels. But as I attempt to stand back and really look at this and separate who I am from my biological gender I see something different. I see this is not about dresses and heels or shirts and pants, this is about expressing our wholeness. Whether we are biologically a man or a woman we all have varying degrees of masculine and feminine characteristics. As women have become more freed from the societal requirement of being ladylike and have moved into the world of pants and executive offices they have shown us that they can be both masculine and feminine. They can handle both roles very well. This is now acceptable.

While I believe that we are still some ways away from this, I believe/hope there may come a day when the same is true for men. When expressing the full spectrum of our being will be okay. When a man wearing make-up, a dress, pantyhose and heels or wanting to stay home and cook, clean, do laundry, raise the kids, arrange flowers and sew will not raise any eyebrows at all, because it will be okay for anyone, male or female to do or be whatever they want.

I think that cross dressing is not necessarily about men trying to pretend that they are women, but rather it is about men trying to achieve their full humanity, a range of expression that present day society still frowns on.

Hopefuly we will see a light at the end of the tunnel in our lifetime. This site is certainly a step in the right direction.

Here is to hoping.

[DonnaT]

Hi Melissa,

Hopefully you'll reach that mesh of your male and female parts sooner than later. It may be the male side fighting the fem side which makes you "aggressive, very egotistical and self centered , very emotionally distant."

Jung's anima theory holds that we have a female side as our anima, which is our soul, and when she successfully merges with our male side we will be whole, more content and self accepting.

Sounds like your beginning to make that merge by finding more comfort in the finer, more fem, things in life, other than clothes.

[Marianne]

Melissa,

That's one of the most poignant posts I've ever read.

Well said!

[carolynhcd]

Melissa, honeybee, Donna and Marianne are two of our most eloquent spokeswomen and I defer to them in the cogency of their comments. I too am Jungian and would refer you to my longer posts on this site about what we are really trying to achieve. There is a thread entitled "Why" where I think you will find an example of my thoughts on this matter. You are so welcome here as a literate and thoughtful sister. You have already done much to make this a better place for all of us. Thank you.

[Sharon]

Melissa,
I have to agree with Marianne that this is one of the finest posts I've had the pleasure of reading here in a long time.

This aura of femininity that most of us grasp for is more than the allure of clothing alone. Along with being told since childhood that boys only wear "boys" clothing, we are also taught that we should only be be interested in pre-conceived male interests, whether it be the way we decorate our homes, the books we read, the movies we prefer, the words we use to express ourselves and our emotions (as if men are expected to show emotion at all!), and so forth.
I have lived in what has been described as a effeminately decorated home, one that has evolved over many years as I have chosen to live as I feel most comfortable, not in what is expected of a man. Several people have expressed surprise in my tastes over the years (I'm in the closet to all but a relative few), but I just reply that these things are just what I happen to like, and I don't care what is "normal" and what isn't. Usually they respond with a respect for me that I am so secure in my manhood that I feel confident enough to be who I am. (If they only knew! )

So stand tall and be proud of being able to be who you are, no matter what is is you want to express! Just be true to yourself.

[Holly]

Melissa,

An extreamly well though out post, expressed beautifully. You are a true asset to our community! I anxiously await to hear more from you as you continue to reach new levels of discovery.

[Di]

Melissa, What a beautiful, touching and soul searching post. Heres to hoping as well.

[Teddie]

Wow. Melissa that was wonderful.

[melissacd]

Girls,

Thanks very much for your many kind words. I think I must have turned 14 shades of red I was blushing so much from your compliments. I am glad that I could offer something back to this community that has been so wonderful to me.

Melissa

[azure]

That was beautifully put,thankyou.

[hiede]

I have been a cross dresser for more years than I care to admit. I have gone through the typical cycle of gathering, wearing, guilting and purging. To this day I remain in the closet and have never really attained any level of skill in creating a female look for myself.

Over the last few years I have spent many hours reading stories of other cross dressers and looking at pictures of some who have achieved an extraordinary level of dressing success. I have to rub my eyes and do a double take, the illusion is so complete.

I have often wondered what it would be like to reach that nirvana and I honestly don't know if it will ever happen for me. All of my life I have accepted my masculinity as a part of who I am and have fought hard to suppress a part of me for which I have felt much guilt and shame. I know that that is a very common story for many of you.

I am starting to really believe that this feminine ghost that haunts me is really a part of who I am. I have heard many of you say that in the past but I have never believed it for myself. This is not to say that I am comfortable with it yet, but I am realizing that it is a part of who I am. I have to accept it and perhaps then I will reach peace with it.

I have strong traditionally male tendancies, no question about that, I can be very aggressive, very egotistical and self centered , very emotionally distant. Yet I find that there is a softer side of me that wants to express itself, to get out. A part that is most symbolized by frills, lace, satin, sheer materials, vivacious colors, sensual things.

Of late I have started collecting paintings, prints, figurines and books all with a more feminine flavour. I have collected a great deal of feminine imagery of women from the 1600 through late 1800s. I have found myself wanting to read more things written by women from the present and back through history. I have found myself wanting to see the world through a different set of eyes. A more feminine set of eyes. A more emotional, nurturing, softer, gentler, intuitive viewpoint.

It is still difficult to express these things to the world in my male persona. Men like this are still labelled flamboyant, limp wristed, effeminate, gay...there are a variety of labels. But as I attempt to stand back and really look at this and separate who I am from my biological gender I see something different. I see this is not about dresses and heels or shirts and pants, this is about expressing our wholeness. Whether we are biologically a man or a woman we all have varying degrees of masculine and feminine characteristics. As women have become more freed from the societal requirement of being ladylike and have moved into the world of pants and executive offices they have shown us that they can be both masculine and feminine. They can handle both roles very well. This is now acceptable.

While I believe that we are still some ways away from this, I believe/hope there may come a day when the same is true for men. When expressing the full spectrum of our being will be okay. When a man wearing make-up, a dress, pantyhose and heels or wanting to stay home and cook, clean, do laundry, raise the kids, arrange flowers and sew will not raise any eyebrows at all, because it will be okay for anyone, male or female to do or be whatever they want.

I think that cross dressing is not necessarily about men trying to pretend that they are women, but rather it is about men trying to achieve their full humanity, a range of expression that present day society still frowns on.

Hopefuly we will see a light at the end of the tunnel in our lifetime. This site is certainly a step in the right direction.

Here is to hoping.

i think i know how you feel.im along time cd. i woud never have a hope of pasing in public.not like some of the cds on this site.the mirror does wonders,in the eye of the beholder.thanx,later.

[Dominique Melt]

I can't add anything more to what you have said, Melissa. You have stated quite eloquently what many of us think and feel. Glad you're here to share your insights with us and the rest of the world.

[letsdance GG]

Melissa,

Thank you for such a beautiful expression of yourself.

What a beautiful soul you must be.

As the wife of a CD'er, I am always trying to add to my understanding and knowledge. You have added much more to my limited understanding.

Thank you and please keep posting your thoughts as they are truly enlightening.

[melissacd]

Once again, thanks very much for the wonderful feedback...

I very much like the reference to the soul. I am not a religious person in the judeo-christian sense, however, as I reach deep inside myself, I brush against a spiritual something (for lack of a better term), something very transcendant (I know this sounds silly), something that I can feel is there and is more than who I am. I am beginning to believe that this something connects us all together in this vast unknowable universe and although for the most part we cannot feel this connection, once in a while we do.

This certainty that I sense is neither male nor female, it just is. It is none of the above and all of the above (how Budhist). It is the part that makes us strong and the part that makes us compassionate. It is thr protector and the nurturer. The mentor, the guide, a universal wisdom that all of us can tap into if we are open to it. It accepts us for who we are and knows that we have a path to travel and lessons to learn. If we reach out, touch and accept that all of it is a part of all of us then we become much more complete, much more accepting, much more compassionate. If everyone could feel this then how a person dresses would be irrelevant.

As I accept that my feminine side and my masculine side are two sides of the same coin I feel better, more complete, more peaceful. I just wish that I could feel that way all of the time but it is easy to lose sight of this in the hustle and bustle of our lives. But in the quiet moments...

This is difficult truth to present to our current society, there is too much prejudice, intolerance, bigotry, too much emphasis on (I)dentity, however, I will hold this truth in my heart and share it with those whom I know will be accepting. Over time, hopefully more and more people of this world will feel this way...yikes I sound like I am giving a sermon.

I will step down off the soap box because I don't want to sound more foolish or boring than I already have. All I know is when I find this state within myself, it feels very good. Here is to the celebration of all that we are, including and especially our feminine persona! It is a gift to cherish and share.

Melissa