Introducing myself (as best as I can!)

[Sares]

Hi everyone!

I'm new to the forum. I'm 22 years old and going through the very thought-provoking and occasionally terribly frightening process of trying to figure myself out. I thought I would post here to help myself along that process, as everyone here seems so incredibly supportive.

I was born a woman and I do consider myself (mostly) a woman, but I have a masculine side of which I'm basically trying to figure out the extent. The wide variety of identities and traits and definitions which falls under the transgender umbrella is so terribly confusing, and although I know that I'm not 100% girl, what I am -- straight female crossdresser, androphilic androgyne, genderqueer person, bigender person, femme-y gay man trapped in a woman's body, PART-TIME femme-y gay man trapped in a woman's body -- is a subject of much confusion for me. I even went through about ten minutes of believing that I might actually have a physical intersex condition before I realized that I don't have the classic characteristics. (I have a somewhat delicate female body type and normal female genitals, and I went through normal puberty and menstruation, but I also have an Adam's apple, very small breasts, a lower-than-average voice, and a round boyish face. I don't think I'm an XY woman, because my sex organs are normal. But my masculine side loves being flat-chested!)

I know that I'm not attracted to women at all. If not for my gender issues, I'd say that I was a completely straight woman. I happen to have a unisex first name, but I use female pronouns and usually (at home, at work, and in the classroom, at least) dress in clothes which were designed for women but in a more masculine style. I'm typically a T-shirt and jeans kind of person. I have a few items which are girly which I do like (mostly silver pendant necklaces), but totally girly clothing just never captures my interest at all. I do not own a skirt or a dress or a pair of heels or a decent pair of pantyhose, or anything frilly or lacy or "pastel." I never wear make-up and I limit my jewelry to one necklace at a time, and one wristwatch.

As a child, I paid no attention to how my parents were dressing me until I turned about eight or nine and started rejecting the pink clothing and the dresses. For a period of time, I wore mostly baseball caps and Star Wars T-shirts. At one point I developed a strong interest in an adult male golfers' cap, which I talked my parents into buying for me. My best friends were girls, and I was a small and frail girl myself, but I still liked to play touch football with the boys in my class and to always take the role of a boy or man whenever we played make-believe (usually with my golfers' cap in place on my head). At about twelve or thirteen I went through a hockey period -- I was always wearing an NHL jersey and skating around my driveway with boys. My best friends in eighth grade were male. My first day of middle school was traumatic because I had a short haircut and I was mistaken for a boy by just about everyone, in front of my mom, which prompted me to get my ears pierced before the second day of school. Years later I realized that I hated wearing earrings and that I was still wearing only the studs, so I took them out, and regrettably the holes haven't fully closed up because of the scar tissue. I never should have gotten them pierced, but I was young and I panicked.

Surprisingly, I've never been mistaken for a lesbian, and my friends know that I'm straight, but I've never had any attention from men -- probably because of my androgynous appearance. I wear my hair short, although my hairstyle is technically a feminine style. I have gender-neutral glasses. I wear gender-neutral jeans and formless sweaters. When I check my appearance in the mirror before I leave the house in the morning, I don't look for prettiness -- I look for a certain boyish cuteness. I think I am cute, and I've had friends (mostly my lesbian friends, incidentally!) compliment me on my style or suggest clothing items that they would find "cute" on me, but the straight guys pay me no mind. I live in New York City, and if you're a straight female here, the pressure to look like Lindsay Lohan is immense. I've read in these forums that FTMs are more accepted by society than MTFs (and I definitely agree), and that some men are in fact attracted to boyish women, but I've never encountered those men. I find that my straight male friends are interested in the girly women who tote purses and wear heels -- the more feminine, the better, it seems.

And yet, it's not so much the straight men who even interest ME. I'm frustrated that they don't notice me, but most of my straight male friends are beefy, beer-drinking baseball lovers and I'm not attracted to that at all. This is why I suspect that I'm a femme-y gay man trapped in a woman's body -- because I am very attracted to men who are attracted to men. I particularly have a thing for effeminate gay men, and I've had more crushes on my friends who are self-proclaimed "queens" than on the beer-drinking Mets fans. I realize that some transmen have had successful relationships with gay men, but a transman I am not. I don't think I would ever want to have surgery or hormone therapy, or to even live as a man full time, and I have yet to intentionally try to "pass." I guess my best bet would be to find a nice "metrosexual" to settle down with.

But lately I have been thinking about "passing." I live with two straight men, and I have had thoughts about stealing some of their hair gel and buying a man's suit and going out. I have unintentionally "passed" before, and always in front of my parents -- strangers think I'm their 12-year-old son. (I'm 5'5 and only 90 lbs., so I'm never mistaken for a man -- just a boy!) The tension and embarrassment caused by this has put me off of more masculine clothing styles for the past few years, and I've intentionally tried to feminize my wardrobe to avoid this uncomfortable situation with my family. Even if I did, in the future, decide to go out as a boy and try to pass, even if I only did it some of the time, I'm not sure I could ever tell my Southern conservative family. I have to admit that I find this transgender side of myself a little scary to face. I'm about to graduate with a 3.9 GPA from a major university, and I want to get a job in business, and I worry about the role that that side of myself is going to play in my future career and my future networking prospects. I also worry about ever having a happy relationship with a man. And I worry about the reactions of my family and my current friends, who all seem to know me as a 100% Girl who happens to be a bit tomboyish. I'm stuck in the South for the next two weeks, but when I return to NYC I hope to seek some guidance from the LGBT Community Center on the subject. I've been active as a "straight ally" with similar gay organizations -- after all, as I mentioned, I feel a strong connection to gay men -- so I feel comfortable about the idea of going to the Center. That, at least, is not scary to me -- it's not such a leap.

But thanks for reading, if you've read all of this rambling, because this post, in a way, is my first coming-out.

If anyone has had similar experiences to mine, or any insights, I'd love to hear them. Anything that anyone has to share would definitely be a big help in getting me started along this road.

Thanks!

- Sares

[Tristan]

Hello Sares,

Welcome to the forum first off.

Gender identity can indeed be very confusing. I don't think there are many of us that haven't gone through the place you are in now in trying to figure out just who you are. For most of us it is ingrained at a very young age of what it means to be female and what it means to be male, and that to cross those lines can be considered tabooed.

It took me about five good years of self evaluation and working through my gender issues to accept and give myself that permission to be trans, if that makes sense? I realize that it is not a choice, but I had to make a very conscious choice to step up and do something about it. Aside from my mom, I am not out to my conservative family even though I have started hormone therapy.

The questions you have are only ones you can answer and you shouldn't allow others views and opinions to influence it. The best advice I can give you is you are the only one who has to wake up and face yourself in the mirror day in and day out. One last note I thought I'd make, gender and sexual identity are considered two different things. There are straight, gay, and bi trans people. The labels don't really matter, being at peace with yourself does.

[CaptLex]

As best you can? That was a great intro, Sares - couldn't get any better.

Welcome and thanks for telling us all about you. I think you'll find you fit in here as a lot of us are going through the same things: questioning and trying to figure ourselves out. We may all be a bit different in our experiences, but we can certainly relate. And we have a nice, supportive bunch. Just stay away from the bulldog's (Kieron's) tequila and you'll do fine.

The LGBT Center in Manhattan is a great place. I started going to the meetings there in February of 2006 and met a lot of great guys, and Ray (the FtM director) is very cool too. The group has grown in leaps and bounds since I started, which is good generally, but it doesn't give a lot of the guys time to speak, I feel. I understand there was talk of breaking it up into two groups, but I don't know if that'll happen.

I haven't been able to attend any of the meetings in a while, but I still participate in events at the Center and also social activities coordinated by the TransMasculine Community Network, which grew out of those weekly meetings (http://tmcnetwork.com/index.html). I hope you can join us at some of those events.

Welcome to the forum, it's nice to meet you.

EDIT: I think I need more coffee today 'cause I keep forgetting stuff I wanted to say - ah, here it is.

I wanted to add that I can totally relate to the problem of not being attractive to guys because they always saw me as a butch girl and assumed I was a lesbian. Now that the transition has begun for me, it's just as hard to try and find a gay guy that would be interested in a boy without the plumbing.

[bi_weird]

Hah for a moment with the Star Wars t-shirt bit I wondered if you were a friend of mine finally admitting boyish tendencies...but she's not in business.
Anyway. Hello! Have a brownie! Helps distract from the confusion. I can connect with a lot of what you're saying. It's not totally wrong to live as a woman, but it's not right either. That there's something more to try out. My advice: just be honest with yourself. What I've found is that, with me, I don't need the rest of the world to understand or even know, but instead I need to understand myself. So at least for now I'm not 'out', in that I don't have people see me as a boy. I just wear what I want when I want it, which includes both totally mascluine and totally feminine outfits, as well as everywhere in between.
Anyway, glad to see you here.

[ZenFrost]

If you're not sure, don't sweat it. Many of us start out in between (and many stay that way) so don't feel bad if you're unsure about yourself. Eventually you'll reach a point where you are comfortable with your gender identity, whatever it may be. I know this forum is a great place to start so don't feel awkward about posting anything, we all have been though a lot of similar things and have many of the same issues.

[RevMoonSerpent]

Welcome to the family. It's nice to have you here and just like the other guys have said, it takes time to figure out who you are and most of us are still trying. Just hang in there and know that we will be here for you.

[Syr_SwitchyGQ]

Hi Sares... welcome to the brotherhood! Don't worry about not knowing exactly who you are yet.... when I got to this site, I still had a lot of questions and soul-searching ahead of me. I'm a lot more settled into my skin now and sure of the direction I'm headed in... but am open to wherever my life course takes me. So questioning is a process we all have to go through and I'm glad you found this site. It can be very helpful to discuss things with like-minded people and to get your thoughts down. (Plus, we have a lot of fun bantering with each other... don't be afraid, just jump in. Really. )

[Kieron Andrew]

Another NYC boy wow now thats cool!!! Fantastic introduction too...welcome to the forum, dont sweat too much about where your masculine side fits in, you will figure it out as time goes by...and if you dont well you are still you, a healthy mixture of both masculine and feminine isnt all that bad

[Leo Lane]

Excellent introduction, Sares. I know what you mean about guys only being attracted to feminine girls. What is all the fuss about dresses and purses and heels? Surely a "cute, boyish look" is more attractive? Well, everyone has different tastes I suppose.

Like you, I identify strongly with homosexual men. Have you read Mary Renault?

[Anthony Jake]

Hey
sorry i'm late on this dont have much time to post atm as wewll u'll see when i post in a sec somewhere else..but
welcome dude, nice to get a new guy
this is a great place to figure stuff out, All guys are indeed real friendly n supportive...
You can make some good bonds/friendships with people here...

i met a certain person on here n couldn't be more glad..well i met him some place else but whatever lol...welcome.. enjoy ur time here

[Tamara Croft]

Wow, what an intro :shocked: I've no advice, just wanted to welcome you to our nutty forum

[Felix]

Hi Sares, that was a great intro!!! If ya read any of my threads you will see that I have similar issues to you and more recently the issue of being attracted to my gay male friends. Like I said in the threads I do see myself in the middle but leaning more towards the masculine. Anyways have a read of some of my stuff it might help it might not but I can definitely relate to your situation xx Felix

[Sares]

Hey guys,

Thanks for the warm welcome. I've been traveling a lot for the past couple of weeks, so I haven't had much of a chance to visit the forum, but I just logged back in and saw all the replies. It's great to be here. Everyone seems so supportive -- I've gotten some great advice already!

I am completely confused, but it's nice to know that I'm not the only person who is or has been confused. I know I'm not the only genetic female who has felt like a gay boy on the inside, even if not all the time. Labels are difficult, but after reading up on the subject I think that perhaps "bigendered" is the best description of me right now, even though it's not entirely accurate. I don't divide my time between pronouns or names -- in fact, I'm always "she" (unless I accidentally pass in public, or log in to this forum, ha ha!), and I fortunately have a real name which is unisex -- but I think I do experience a mental shift between genders. I feel more like a girl at work, in class, and in certain social situations (especially all-girl situations), and I feel more like a boy when I'm at home with my straight male roommates, or when I'm alone in public, or in mixed-sex or all-male company. Perhaps that feeling will change, or perhaps I will figure out that it's not an accurate or complete description of who I am, but for now it seems to mostly fit.

I guess there are just a lot of sides to me. I've also got very distinct business-school and street-artist sides, and both of them need to be expressed from time to time. Eventually I'll figure it all out! I'm still really young, so I know there's time to explore and question. In the meantime, while all of this exploring and questioning is going on, I'll just have to accept my painful crushes on gay boys. I never seem to feel like a girl when I'm around guys. It would help if I knew some straight guys who weren't so...straight. But alas, it's all baseball and beer and boobs with all the hetero boys I know.

Except those straight-guy roommates I mentioned. We're actually very similar in a lot of ways. I'm the one who follows them around with a broom and rearranges the throw pillows and struggles with pickle jars, but they got ME hooked on Project Runway. Too bad they're both taken -- and such good friends that I could never date them anyway! I actually thought one of them was gay for the longest time, until he started dating one of my straight female friends -- who HE thought was a lesbian for the longest time. Neither of them really conforms to strict gender roles. Proof that there is someone out there for all of us, and we just have to find them.

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the words of welcome and support, and I look forward to partaking of the brownies and rum.

[Felix]

Hi Sares I relate to so much of what ya saying Hun xx Felix

[SirTrey]

Hey! A belated welcome, Sares! Nice to meet you....GREAT intro, btw..... **Trey**

[Sares]

Thanks, Trey and Felix!

While I was reading up on gender issues the other day, I started thinking about male names and wondered, if I were to pass as a guy, if I would just keep my unisex first name or change my name -- and then I started wondering what I would change it to. I actually know what my parents would have named me if I had been a boy, and I really dislike the idea of being named after my dad (maybe it's a good thing I wasn't born a boy!), so I ruled that one out. Then I decided I would probably keep my initials, and from there I started getting creative.

Thus: my male side has a name, Sean Ellis. Sean is similar to my first name and reflects my Irish background. Ellis keeps my middle initial intact, and it's also an old family surname.

I rather like it. And this pirate smiley. I like that, too.

[Felix]

I like those names Sares good choices xx Felix

[Kieron Andrew]

Sean Ellis is a good name, i like it

[CaptLex]

Sean Ellis is a good name, i like it

Yay for Irish-ey names . . . I like it too!

[ZenFrost]

I rather like it. And this pirate smiley. I like that, too.

Ditto. I like both the name and the smiley too.

Hmmm, Sean Ellis, I like how that sounds.