Not sure how to support

[WindyCityBluz]

I am sooo glad I found this site! I have read many of the posts with great interest and I am not sure anyone can answer my question any more completely than it already has been.

I met a man, I am a woman, about 8 months ago and fell hard for him and I thought he did for me. It's like the old saying when you meet the one you just know! But then he disappeared. Now he's back and we have been dating for a couple of months. He finally confided in me that he loves cross-dressing. I knew something was keeping him really distant. I completely and wholeheartedly support him. I have bought him outfits and made it part of our sex life and encouraged him to enjoy himself without fear. It's all very new to me but I really care about him deeply. I should add that most of the revealing of desires, secrets, fantasies has been done on line. When we are together we don't really discuss because I don't need to talk about it--he's him and I feel so incredibly lucky!

Last night he asked me if I would participate with him and another man if they were both dressed as women. He said he will not if I don't want him to and he will respect my wishes and he won't if I won't participate. I know I am the only one who can establish my limits. But I am confused if this is an important part of the process for him in becoming more comfortable with himself.
He seems extremely sincere and sort of disbelieving that I am ok with him as is--and from what I understand he wouldn't be telling just anyone this! He is a high profile public figure and has said repeatedly he would be ruined if discovered.

So I guess my question comes down to bi-sexuality and has anyone had the experience of once trying this they don't go back? And, if when dressed as a woman, would you want your SO or wife to participate? I know this is extremely personal to ask and I apologize. Any thoughts would be really appreciated!

And a general word of encouragement--I applaud all of you for embracing all of you even if you have struggled to accept a part of you exists.
That does not get a label of any kind other than human.

[Paniculata]

Your man is incredibly lucky to have you. I know, my SO not only supports me, but has encouraged me to both accept and enjoy my hobby. So many of us are not as fortunate. I'm sure most of us feel exactly the same way - Don't participate in anything that you are uncomfortable with. There is nothing inate about dressing and then wanting to be with another man, that decision is personal. Make sure that you talk about it frankly and forthrightly. If he has any notion of how fortunate he is, he will accept your decision with grace and understanding. For us, we always want to participate in each others experiences - but that can take alot of different forms.

It sounds like we, as couples, may have alot in common. We would be happy to discuss further with you. In either case, we hope you'll let us know your final decision. If you like, contact us at ginkocraig@hotmail.com Best of luck

[Marissa_CD]

I think that bringing any third person into a relationship is just bad news. It never works out it just ends up hurting one of the 3 people involved if not all 3. The best thing I can say is you have to set boundries to insure that your love for each other is between you 2 only and you cant share that with some random person because someone has and urge. I could be totally wrong but thats my 2 cents. Good Luck -Mariisa-

[Lola]

As you can read in my post from a few days ago, you’ll see that we have a lot in common in our attitude towards the crossdressing from the ones we love and our situation is very similar.
While reading your post i had the feeling that maybe you’re trying to be a little too adaptive. I certainly can understand your insecurity in this matter... us being not familiar with the do’s and don’ts... what is “normal” concerning crossdressing...
I’d like to say to you, the only one’s interest in this particular matter is yours... don’t do anything because you think if you refuse it, you’ll reject his CD-side. Maybe you should ask yourself suppose he wasn’t crossdressing and would have asked you would you be in for sex with a third party, is this something you would like to do?
Next to that i think at this moment he’s asking a lot from you in a very short period of time, this being all new to you, you having to deal with a lot of new feelings. Maybe you should slow down a little, don’t let this cd-issue be the overall thing in your relationship, you are there too... take your time..

[Jenny Beth]

I think it is wonderful that you can look past the "established" gender boundries and see someone for who he is and not for what he wears. There are many here with supportive spouses and they will all tell you that crossdressing makes for a wonderful relationship.....but for two people. Involving a third partner in any relationship is a recipie for disaster. From what you have said it is clear that your boyfriend has desires for another male and whether or not both are crossdressed that is exactly what it is. As with any fantasy, once it has been acted out there is always a need for more. If you are not comfortable with this don't go there, you are the one who is going to be hurt the most.

Jenny B

[CDKathy]

I should add that most of the revealing of desires, secrets, fantasies has been done on line. When we are together we don't really discuss because I don't need to talk about it--he's him and I feel so incredibly lucky!

This statement, to me, is a danger sign. If you can't talk about your feelings face to face, then your relationship is in trouble already. Any relationship must be a two way street with open communication at all times about all things.

I have to agree with the others that bringing a third party into your relationship, especially so soon, would probably be a recipe for disaster. But, you are the only one who can know that for sure. And that is not a decision that you can make without open and frank discussion face to face. If you are even the slightest bit uncomfortable with the idea, and the fact that you are asking for opinions here indicates you are, I would recommend that you say NO.

[WindyCityBluz]

I really appreciate everyone's kind words and responses.

I agree that I am not ready, and may never be ready, for a 3rd party to join us. That brings me to my next quandry. He says that he will not do this if I don't want him to--but I do not want to spend time wondering what if or would he if I wasn't around.
As much as we care for each other and it makes me sob to type this, I probably will have to let him go explore and make his decision from there.

Anyone else ever faced with this? I don't want him to think I am rejecting him in anyway but I do not want to be afraid he might come home one day and say "oops, should have gone with the men."

I should clarify my statement about not speaking about this in person. The initial revealing of things was done over the internet. I think this is the only way he would have told me. We spoke about it in depth in person after that but otherwise I do not want it to be the focus of our time spent together.
He has told me he has never been close enough to anyone to tell them this much about himself. He's incredibly shy when it comes to his personal life even though he is the strongest, most confident man you could meet in public! He has buried himself in his work and used that as his excuse for not getting involved with anyone.

If I tell him I think it's best that he answers any questions he may have on his own and he tells me he doesn't want to without me, should I just insist that he does while reassuring him I am here to support him? He knows I would not sit around and wait forever for him in spite of how much I care so it's not a doormat type situation!

I am rambling and will stop now.. Thank you all...