Open letter to my CD bf-long

[Pandora]

Hello Lynn. I read your letter and found it touching and heartfelt and it really got to me a bit, so I'd like to respond even though I'm a newbie here and there are many with more experience and wisdom from life experiences in this forum. So far I've gotten great support from many. I'm thinking there may be two seperate issues here in your SO CDing and maybe being gay or bi curious. imo, I think there are many grey areas and you should keep in mind not all fit into some neat little category. We're all different here, with different levels of CDing and sexual orientation. The key is to be honest about what those levels are and that they may be ever changing. I took on the "am I gay?" issue very early on due to my attraction to dressing and came out feeling confident that I'm straight. If I were gay I would have struggled with it but come to terms with it and probably be very happy now. However, I didn't do the same thing with dressing until now and wish I had done this sooner. Who knows, I may have missed some great oppurtunities in relationships with GGs because I wasn't honest. In the end I don't care if the whole world looks down on my dressing as long as I can find just one GG who will accept me for who I am. If your SO has pushed you away it really makes me suspicious there may be other issues, sex-gender related or otherwise. I'm curious when you say you confronted him and it didn't go well. If you feel inclined you could elaborate on that a bit more?

I really wish the best for both of you to work through this crisis, and I think open communication is the key. Stick around here and you will find the majority of this forum is understanding, willing to listen and will offer some great advice. I know now the whole world doesn't look down on my dressing and the many wonderful people here are proof of that. It's helped me a bunch to feel better about myself.

[Celeste]

Lynn,you really should leave this letter out so he can see how receptive you are.I think once he reads it,you should be able to tell by his reaction how to proceed,unless it is something deeper bothering him,then he needs to share also.

[beau]

I LOVE YOU YOUR MESSAGE IS GREAT.

[Brynna M]

It's a good letter. You were honest and straight forward. Unfortunately I don't think there is more you can do. He has to face his own demons and hopefully he can can come to terms with his internal issues then he can meet you.

B.

[Nicole Erin]

I think I might know why he is not opening up about this -

You see, a lot of GG's [not all] of us CD's will be supportive and enjoy it, at first.

But at some point they decide they are not cool with it and will use this against her CD'ing partner. This is where the trouble starts.

So what he is probably doing is protecting himself and not letting too much of his personal feelings seep out only to have it thrown in his face later.

It is nothing you did, it is just a defense that a lot of us have had to develop. The best thing is to not push the issue. If he wants to talk about it he will come to you. We do not like to be interrogated about our CD'ing.

There is also the possibility that it is time for you two to go your separate ways.

[sarah_burst]

Just continue to be open and accepting...most of us fear our SO knowing......but if you are as accepting as you seem things will only get better....I see a much deeper more open relationship in your future

[Sally2005]

Thanks for the letter it seems like something my SO would do so I'll tell you what would scare me:

1. It is not a competition. Don't try to change the way you are -- it feaks me out when my wife dresses up in a way she thinks is sexy to me... It is not her and what attracts me to her is her. Looking at sexy women is more like a fantasy....it is just not the same.

2. To improve your sex life, do what you used to do that was fun. Go on a date or something to get the. Also, stress has a large influence on libido and having your wife complain about not getting it, if you can't always get it up only increases stress...and no he doesn't want to talk about it. Just tell him and show that you love him.

3. Don't give him the letter...how impersonal! If you want to improve your relqationship you have to tell him in person about what you feel. My wife wrote me a couple letters in the past and left them for me to read and to be honest, I crumpled them up and threw them out...because what she said didn't match what I knew. I had no opportunity to voice my point of view and felt insulted that she wouldn't talk to me.

4. Don't blame yourself and don't blame him for how you feel. But, don't wait for him to figure out what you need. You have to take the initiative and just tell him what you want. For example: actually say to him "hey, honey tonight I need you to show me a good time in bed"...not hints and expecting him to know what you mean.

5. Cding...he gets a certain satisfaction which until now didn't include you, so don't complicate it for him. Just tell him you are fine with it and he can choose how to include you or not.

I hope this helps you some...

[karinels]

i myself had a girlfriend, fiance actually who was as supportive and caring as you, lynn. but our stories are slightly different. she supported me in every aspect, but i didnt push her away and aviod my desires to dress, i drove her away by making her feel thats all i wanted to do, but never really talking about it. i know now that my guilt lies in deeper curiosities. i am bi curious, and your so's attraction to ts may be the same. would you share him with a guy? would you support such feelings? i myself have not been with any guy yet, but have chatted and im getting more and more curios, but i also know that its going on 4 years since ive seen my ex, and if i knew then what i know now, im sure wed be together today. if you want to explore with him, tell him, maybe surprise him by dressing him when he doesnt expect it, but whatever you do, talk to him. good luck, i hope you two can resolve your feelings and live happily together forever!!

[Sugar]

I'd like to understand more of the scenario in regards to your "outing" her. You sound wonderful but, I'm very curious about the "outing" thing.

Sugar

[StefanieWA]

Hi Lynn, well your in you own little hell at the moment, I will let you into my world to show how things can go wrong, my wife started working away about 2 years ago, this is when I came out of the closet so as to speak, but because I did things opposite to the way that my wife wanted(I was being selfish) I told 2 GG of my situation (1 actually caught me out) this was a wedge between us and it got very nasty to the point that we were lookingat divorce mainly because she told her side of the family which was out of my control..it then forced me into telling members of my family and a few close friends why we were actually separating. After this was done it was amazing the effect it had on us both... I use to writ letters to her but they were mainly anger and frustration.... I have not written a letter in the last 12 months simply because we are talking.

I nearly lost the most important person in my life.

I would agree with those, that letters may work but then I think that maybe it wont, but which ever way you decide to go,you must look after you own well being, if you don't ,then how can you expect to look after some one elses wellbeing.

Good luck with the future

Bye the way have you ever heard of the term " Contact counselling" may work well in your situation, frying pans are not just for cooking.

Stefanie

[ania83cd]

As others have already said I think you are a really amazing person.
You have made an effort to understand your husband and you want to support him.
But we don't know what your husband thinks about his "urge" to crossdress.
He can hate himself for it because he thinks it's not normal or he might want to settle his
own feelings about this and while in the process he might not want anyone to know about him.
By confronting him and saying that you know about his secret you could have scared him away.
I'm not going to try giving you advices since I have no idea about relationships and my crossdressing
is one of those things that will always be in the way. But I think that only you and your husband can make this thing work.
I hope everything will work out eventually between you two,
Hugs Ania.

[lynn1969]

I'd like to understand more of the scenario in regards to your "outing" her. You sound wonderful but, I'm very curious about the "outing" thing.

Sugar

I think someone else asked about this.

Once I had realized that this was not a big deal to me, and after I had chatted w/ some CD'ers online to get their opinion, I decided just to let him know that I knew.

This was a while ago, but from what I remember, we had gone out to dinner, had a great time (and a couple glasses of wine), and were home sitting on the couch talking. I told him that I knew, and how I found out, and that I still loved him, it didn't change anything.

He basically shut down. He said it wasn't something he did all the time, just once in a while. (I think he downplayed it's importance to him). He said that he hadn't originally planned on sharing it w/ me. I remember feeling so confused because I thought he would be relieved.

I know now that it was a huge mistake, and should have let him come to me when he was ready.

I remember he was totally shocked, and the last thing he expected.

I still have major guilt about this.

If your SO has pushed you away it really makes me suspicious there may be other issues, sex-gender related or otherwise.

That's what I am ultimately afraid of. It makes things more complicated, doesn't it?

[DanaR]

I still have major guilt about this.

Please don't feel guilty, this is not your problem, it's his. Don't beat yourself up.

All that you can control/change is you, not someone else.

[jill s]

This maybe bad advice but you could buy a sexy outfit and tell him you want to see him in it. He might break down and get more open with you. Openness is hard for some of us who have hidden this part of us for a long time.

[Tammy298]

I'm probably off base with this, but could it just be a self confidence thing with him? I know from my own experiences and feelings from my previous marriage, that anything I wanted to do, if it didn't interest HER, wasn't going to happen. On the on the other hand, I bent over backwards to do virtually anyhing to please her. This wasn't limited to the bedroom where she was submisive, but our entire relationship. At times I felt angry and guilty, sometimes feeling used. At this time I was a closet CD,and any suggestion of wearing something of hers was strictly verboten!
That was then, but even now in a marriage with a very understanding and accepting woman I have doubts, missgivings and guilt that I'm sure came from my previous marriage. Having lived many years having things thrown up in my face, I often feel guilty about CDing even though she fully accepts, and often enjoys time we spend together when I'm dressed.
Personally, I often wish she would take a more active roll in my CDing, whether she would buy something for me to wear, or maybe lay out somethings I already have, or even come into the bedroom some evening, open my dresser drawer and say "could you wear this for me tonight?" I would feel much more assured that she's not just "putting up" with me.

[Dena]

Hi Lynn, what's done is done. You have nothing to feel guilty about!

It sounds to me like this is less likely to be about "what else he may be doing", than what his comfort level is with his dressing. I think the first thing to do is find out where he is with his dressing. Is he feeling denial, guilt, who knows what all. It doesn't sound like he accepts it as much as you do.

Best Wishes!

[Sugar]

Lynn,

I don't think you should be carrying any guilt. You were just being open and accepting. Their should be more like you out there as far as I'm concerned.

Your SO is the one who should be dealing with the issue's of his cd'ing. Seems to me she has enough guilt and shame to carry all of us into sheer misery. Figuratively speaking.

I do hope that the two of you can work through this difficult time in your lives.

Love,

Sugar

I think someone else asked about this.

Once I had realized that this was not a big deal to me, and after I had chatted w/ some CD'ers online to get their opinion, I decided just to let him know that I knew.

This was a while ago, but from what I remember, we had gone out to dinner, had a great time (and a couple glasses of wine), and were home sitting on the couch talking. I told him that I knew, and how I found out, and that I still loved him, it didn't change anything.

He basically shut down. He said it wasn't something he did all the time, just once in a while. (I think he downplayed it's importance to him). He said that he hadn't originally planned on sharing it w/ me. I remember feeling so confused because I thought he would be relieved.

I know now that it was a huge mistake, and should have let him come to me when he was ready.

I remember he was totally shocked, and the last thing he expected.

I still have major guilt about this.

[Amanduhrob]

Lynn, first I would like to say thank you for being so understanding, and open. Women like you, and the other GG's here are extremely rare, & he's very lucky to have you in his life.

Now on to the problem...

It sounds to me like he has a deep seated guilt about his cross dressing, and in his t-girl attraction, and until he comes to accept these feelings without guilt, all you can do is be supportive of him, and hope he can open up before you reach your breaking point.

I also suggest a therapist, only I feel it would be better if he found one for himself first, and then maybe a couple's councilor after he breaks out of his guilty cycle, if needed.

[TxKimberly]

To me there is something more important than the words in your letter - it's the very fact that you bothered to write it. The fact that you spent your time to write it just screams how much you care.
Hugs from Texas,
Kim

[mylilsecret8]

IMO, our sexual problems are intertwined w/ the whole CD thing in some way or another. I honestly think that there was an undeniable shift in our relationship from the moment I "outed" him.

Your letter is wonderful and I hope s/he can appreciate it and it helps to put things on the right track again for the two of you. If things are interwined with him being "outed" I'd suggest taking it slow and gradually letting him know that you are fine with crossdressing. For example, causally mention that you think its interesting or even sexy that a male can have a feminine side or how you can understand why a guy might want to spice things up every now and then and wear something other than typical guy things. If he gets nervous or upset, reassure him that your ok with it and want to share this with him. Just be careful not to bring out all the other issues all at once or his defenses will likely go up and he'll withdraw further.

Like many others have said, you are incredible for being so supportive. Most of us CDs can only dream of having such a supportive partner. I also wish to pass along the same recognition to all the wives and girlfriends out there who are supportive!!


Good luck!

[jennydl]

Hi Lynn,I have been thinking about how I would feel if I had been confronted/outed by my so.My first thoughts are of having my "control over my secret" stolen from me,feeling helpless and violated.I would also feel like my privacy was invaded by someone I trusted.I would also feel deep shame and embarassment as my cding has always been private and personal to myself.

Some people tend to pull away or shut down when confronted with an uncomfortable situation and pushing for comunication or forcing your needs on them will only drive them further away.Also giving them "space"will only let their feelings fester.

I don't know what your bf is feeling, or why he has shut down(only he knows)

My advice,treat your bf as a person first and a cd last.don't assume his behavior is caused by his cding.Try to rebuild your relationship with the "MAN" first.maybe an apology? Don't bring up the cding AT ALL.

If you can get back to where you were before you outed him and he hasn't opened up about his cding and it is important for you to know this side of him,try the soft approach.

for example;
ask him if he would like to share a bubble bath
ask him if he wouldn't mind paintng your toe nails.
ask him if he would do your finger nails(clear polish is a good choice for the first time)
buy some nail polish or lipstick,then say to him,look what I got today,you can try it if you like.
etc.etc.etc.
Take it slowly!

I hope this helps
Jenny

[gagirl1]

i have to say, what a letter! cd'ing is a tough thing to share with a SO. i am on the verge of doing so myself. i really do hope that the two of you can get over this barrier. the relationship will be always strengthened because of it. i glanced through the responses and got a general idea of what people think. maybe he wants to be more private about it. maybe he likes to have his own fantasies. just do not force the issue. from what it sounds like, although he dresses like a woman, he still has male pride issues. hell, who doesn't. think of it like a first date. you are trying to get to know the other person but do not want to cross any bounds. however, if you throw in that one perfect line or have that one great conversation, both parties know that things are going to turn out ok. in the past he has grown to be comfortable doing this in private. it's going to be harder for him to dress around you in the bedroom for whatever reason. i would try to define it here but honestly it's too complicated to put into a gross generalization. now, he and you must grow to be comfortable around eachother in a new way. it's nothing outrageous, just different. and just like being comfortable in front of someone else naked, he must come around to being comfortable with you, and himself/herself in this new persona. it sounds to me like you have become a little self conscious about yourself from the lack of a physical relationship. regain your womanhood! seduce him! make love to him! feel those shaved legs against yours. i truly hope everything turns out for the best. just keep telling yourself, "everything will be ok."

[robyn1114]

If I didn't know better I'd swear you're my wife

[KandisTX]

so, lynn1969 is there any update on this situation? I hope it was/is good news.

Kandis

[Holly]

...He basically shut down. He said it wasn't something he did all the time, just once in a while. (I think he downplayed it's importance to him). He said that he hadn't originally planned on sharing it w/ me. I remember feeling so confused because I thought he would be relieved...

Lynn, from what you said above, I see only two possible reasons for his response:

• He has yet to accept himself for who and what he is
• He is hiding something deeper than the CDing

Both of this have absolutely NOTHING to do with your feelings. Lynn, your b/f is a person who is not a peace with her/himself. That should not put any guilt on your plate whatsoever. The letter you have written is a great tool in that it has allowed you to organize and give "voice" to your own feelings. But now I would use it as a springboard to having a meaningful dialog with your b/f. Sit down together when you both have some undisturbed time to devote and talk. But more importantly, LISTEN (that goes for him as well!).

Lynn, the bottom line is that if your b/f is not willing to face her/himself, then your relationship is crippled. If s/he is hiding/lying about things to you then the relationship may be mortally wounded. I relationship built on mistrust, selfishness, and shame of self is on a shaky foundation at best. Please let us know how things go.